The Secret Life of Sex Blogging with Ann St. Vincent TPP112


Ann St Vincent picIn this episode I am taken on an exclusive journey behind the posts of high-end sex blogger who has been living double lives as a powerful executive by day, and a sexual adventuress by night. She helps us understand the glories and difficulties of her path of uncompromising sexual exploration, empowerment and expression.

About Ann:

My name is Ann St. Vincent. I am an executive businesswoman in my early 40s.  I am a divorced woman and a Mom; my son Liam lives with me half the time.

This blog is my journal.

The last several years of turbulence in my life – involving a sexless-then-open marriage and taking advantage of it, divorce, sexual reawakening, online dating – all while navigating equal custody of my son and trying to maintain a good relationship with my ex – inspired me to get back to writing.

Unlike many divorced women, I am not bitter or angry at my ex for the breakdown of our marriage.  We both agreed we should go our separate ways.  I don’t regret my choices.  I’m pretty happy.  I’m not using a dating coach (yet).  I’m not looking to replace my husband and get re-married.  What I am, after a 15-year almost totally sexless relationship, is very keen on coming back to life, fulfilling every physical and emotional desire I have. At this point, I’d also like a boyfriend.

So far, so good. Life is fun and quite messy and I’m just figuring it out as I go along.

Everything here is true and my first hand, un-embellished experience, but the names of those I mention are disguised to protect the guilty. Enjoy.

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Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin I love your beloved’s welcome to Township Park podcast episode number 112 I am doing a call with N St Vincent a prominent sex blogger and it’s become a sort of a series now I’ve reached out to the number of sex bloggers to expand their Horizons of the type of guests on the show and I’ve been learning a lot and there’s so much diversity and so much just candid life stories especially from the more traditional blogs where people are sharing life journaling basically journaling life events and being vulnerable and opening up so it’s a real gift to be able to speak to a a blogger of that nature so and would you please definitely tell us about your background and what led you to become the prominent sex bloggers that you are well I didn’t have a lot of experience with bugs at all when I started writing of the few years ago now when I was getting right after separating from my now ex-husband and girlfriend of mine after hearing stories had asked whether I had written it down and suggested I should and she’s the one that recommended that I write writing to me at least journaling is something that I have always done I stopped doing it actually after a long time ago with my ex-husband and so it’s actually quite natural for me to write I think of what I do is my journal except I share it with a lot of strangers that’s how I started running right on so what are you have a beautiful layout of your website it’s it’s what over 800 post now it sounds like you’re down by category so do you want to kind of give us a preview of some of the themes of the categories combination of two things I was writing the dating stories or the the Misadventures I was having or Adventure there was having after becoming single I was in a marriage or relationship for 15 years and I was also trying to start to process what happened in that relationship and cuz I just started to think about her what would be the categories really is as I’m thinking about my my life and so some of it has to do with my marriage although more and more or less and less about that as it progresses in time and I know that some people are interested really and just reading about the sex stuff so I try to make that easy for them if they want to just get to I think what I call I think I have a section called quick and dirty and then more about relationship because it really is a Blog about really is all the things that have been happening to me for my relationship perspective and a sex perspective since becoming single a few years ago and so do I have to I have had some relationships but good and bad and then I have had a lot of sexual adventures and so that’s really how I think about it and then sometimes I write about family or friends but usually that is more rare or being a mom that’s not the predominant stuff but it is you know it’s all parts of me so you can find that kind of stuff as well so it’s kind of like it was coming to me and say a reality Blog the way we think of reality TV where you get these candid insights into all these Dimensions if of life and get the kind of learning grow along with somebody is a kind of like that yeah I think so it really is my turtle and I like I said I started writing to process it never occurred to me that anyone would want to read really what I was writing I mean I know that sex is titillating but I was writing about some of the injury and in a marriage and my marriage ended up being sexless and and it was open for a while and then I kind of got into online dating and I was insane and just really I didn’t think there was anything particularly compelling other than the fact that girlfriend seemed like my stories we were stories are good for over drinks and I write the only way I know how it is if I’m actually sitting and telling you a story and so it is it is really like that it is my journey it is my inner thoughts and of course that’s a bold overtime in that I am now aware that I have an audience I have people that will call me out on my crap if but it is it hasn’t really changed fundamentally what the purposes of the blog which is to help me sort through the things that I’m doing and thinking about him seeing and experiencing so the transition that you’ve made is it’s it’s very well it’s just it’s refreshing and in beautiful empowering to know that more women are stepping up into Independence and opening up and you talk about that some of the glory and the challenges with with that process going to specifically of transcending in Elk Grove and the container of what were told is the only way to love and relating to child-raising call Vesta why was I was fairly I’m told him not to use the term promiscuous because that’s a judgment statement so positive whatever we want to use but I like sex alot before I met my now ex-husband and had a lot of sex and started yelling and I’m sure there are lots of reasons for that that we can get into there was a lot of judgment around that know when your 20 and choosing to have casual sex or multiple several partners and being a pretty free about it at least at the time now in my early forties scene in the same way that it is when you come out of the marriage and you’re 40 and I’m free to do what you want and I had some experiences near the Tail part of my marriage once it was open that helped me realize that I really did miss that that aspect of my marriage and it was something that it wasn’t the only reason that our marriage ended in fact it was by the least reason that our marriage ended but ultimately I knew that I needed to I guess find that part of me again it was something that was completely turned off for very long. Of time is Italy I mean and I knew that I just wanted to find it I wanted to find my sexual self and that was a very deliberate thing that I set out to do as soon as I became single and it’s something I’m still doing although it’s maybe with the frenetic Pace now but I’ve also realized over time that it is is it is sometimes difficult to bring your whole self to bear in situations and so I remember going from one day I think I was at a sex club in the afternoon with someone and then of course when to pick up my son and had this moment of how weird that felt being being a mom I mean I’m a corporate executive you know I wear a suit most days I’m a mom to a young child and but yet I sometimes go and do things that are definitely on the fringes actually and that’s all me all the same package but yet starting to embrace that a little bit more and being more open about pieces of that certainly with friends is pretty liberating feels great just find that and to not really have to answer to anybody in the same way any part of that is just because as you get older you have a little bit of soda if I may can I swear you know I also have to recognize that it’s not exactly something I bring to the Forefront all the time because again is just one component of who I am it’s not the most important one and it’s are some people a bit off-putting cuz they don’t expect it but it’s really great to have that option yeah I can pick and choose and I’m certainly pretty open with most of my girlfriend’s as an example many of them know that I write and read the blog stories it actually becomes a short form cuz they’ll have read a post and then I don’t have to explain in text all the stuff that’s happened to the good stuff awesome Clark Kent Superman kind of soup there been times where I’m in the office and working and I need large team and Senior executive and look around but it’s still I don’t think it’s Unique to women like quite frankly I don’t really want to know about my colleagues sexual Adventures necessarily either like I wouldn’t find that distracting at the office I was surprised I’ll say you know coming back into the dating world after 15 years I was pretty if you’d asked me before I would have said that I expected the judgment to have changed and there to have been less of a double standard between women and men in if men do one thing and women do the same thing you know that it would be judged more similarly and I I was actually rather horrified to learn that that’s not true at all that the same behavior for a woman and a man is still and fortunately does quite there for me well you know like it’s funny that as you were as you’re speaking about this work the work-life play sort of balance and the finalization everything and then I felt like we’ve come a long way since as what in western civilization at least when I say we from the Roman bath houses where they wouldn’t be sexual harassment claims cuz everybody after work would go and have sex together in the bathhouses to talk about work at the network that was networking Meetup to go see that you know sometimes people just call you need to have a really good orgasm with a relaxed a little bit but yes that has changed I think one of the most powerful things and for me has been finding the occasional person our man in my life has it been who knows all of the factors and still is okay with all those facets and that’s something that I know from a couple of a very close friend who also blogger and she and I are challenge with that same thing which is there are men who are certainly coming out of these kinds of communities and you know if you meet them out of your blog Persona and they’re okay with the rest of you like that becomes very powerful but it’s very difficult to meet somebody in a more alcohol save vanilla wedding and then how do you explain to them what how do I say oh by the way I’ve actually been exploring my sexuality in a in a significant way and I’ve done these in some cases kind of wild things and I still want you to see me exactly the way you did before when you just kind of assumed that was maybe not like that and that doesn’t happen very often unfortunately in it if it’s you all to have to make a call and went to even share any of that even sharing a Blog is fraught with challenges it’s not ended well for me yet but anytime I’ve done it close calls are times you tried to backpedal there I’m just curious if if this is to be it’s yeah it’s just interesting maybe do you have tips or from from hard lessons hard to learn what is because I talked about my the break out of my marriage and what happened when it was open but it was open in a don’t ask don’t tell kind of way which I’m sure some will table that’s not open but you know there was an awareness that things could happen outside the marriage I wrote a lot about that and let’s just say my ex-husband would not at all be pleased for to the gross understatement to discover that I am not only doing the kinds of things that I’m doing but I’m writing about them including the breakdown of our marriage and he would be and so I’ve had to I Really at first didn’t tell anyone about the writing except this one girlfriend who had a grudge me to write in the first place but then no overtime I’ve become especially as time has gone away like I don’t write so much for my marriage anymore time is progressing to become more comfortable with my whole self I have started to tell more people but I’m still quite cautious right of not telling people that would be in a circle that make sure that with him but then when it comes to dating it it is something that it is a very tricky thing you’ll find people and some bloggers who say it’s absolutely not okay to write anyone about anyone if they don’t know that you’re writing about them I think that’s quite frankly easier said than done but I’m not sure that I am very careful about not disclosing anything that would indicate anybody’s identities but then two then you have to make a call I got at some point if you do want to let someone in on on that knowledge of how you do that again It’s Tricky and I was dating someone so his name on my blog is fox and he was mature guy seems like he’d be pretty chill about it a bit kinky, knew about some of the stuff that I got enough to and was fine and I decided that because we seem to be on pretty good relationship trajectory I said okay to myself like I’m going to tell because I didn’t I don’t want to have this as a secret from some of the time in a serious relationship with his fine he said he was cool I didn’t tell him the Blog name I just told him that I log out there and he was fine with it until he wasn’t thought it out a couple of the stories that I use those stories I’m pretty hi Google something to do with gangbangs other things blog and so hard for him to find it and then he started reading and as I would be the same for sure he I was writing openly about the relationship I’m kind of lost his mind at that point we understand I would never want to know if the tables were turned far into a relationship with someone I would never want to know I will write when I have doubts and I will write when I’ve had Scrappy sacks you know what I don’t get it from that perspective would be difficult for me to give anyone any advice other than be really careful but it all the advice and I’ve written about this on my blog actually and I can find the link for you if you want which was I was dating somebody after that and month later and Eli after I ate the first experience I’m never going to tell anyone really really serious and down the road and there’s nothing bad decided to look kind of obsessively to all of my like my real life I know I’m logged life social media account and I had one connection between my real life Instagram account on my blog Instagram account and he found it he found that link and having to be good friends blog and I’m on her blog roll and there was not to get into it but there was a reference that she had made on her Instagram account that he knew that it was me and then found me through that my blog through that and that relationship ended very very badly blog but the lesson I learned from that was around you know that you start writing and I think most people especially in the Hexbug and community community so you tend to make friends through the blog you connect with people that are like-minded and it becomes tempting as it was for me at some point to say oh well there now like I can connect with them through my personal like my real account and you have to be very very rigorous and not do that not so much because that somehow wrong that you want to connect with people but it does leave you vulnerable am I issue for me was that I made my friend vulnerable to because he knew that her real life identity because she’s one of my closest friends and I have been talking about her and he was able to make that connection so I put her at risk as well and that’s the kind of stuff that you think about when you’re just excited cuz you’ve met these people who you think are wonderful and you want to reach out then maybe you don’t have a Blog Twitter account to use your real Twitter to you know you don’t think about it you don’t think about it and you just do it and it feels great cuz your meeting with wonderful supportive Community but you know most people in the world I think are trustworthy but occasionally if something happens and you’ve got these connections it actually kept me very bad things like I sent my ex-husband email using my email address private and I cannot complete freak out that I was referring to you about even things like making sure you have never email if you are the kind of bloggers that I am in and you’re you need to be careful like some people are out fully in the open but the kind of job I have the fact that I’m am all the fact that I have an ex-husband like all these things are make it really important for me to to be careful and so yeah there’s there’s things like even emails email accounts and not using certain accounts that are very very good at consolidating your information like a Google email is logged into my blog and I sent a YouTube link to somebody again using I didn’t even know ya the Google Plus thing you have no idea if you I believe all these things so I’m having flashbacks yeah I actually I had a Google Plus account and I I I I deleted it because it was just far too hard to control that integration and Integrations great something it’s not the great when you’re writing a sex blog you don’t want people to know that wow very enlightening I can not think I ever thought of it before either so that’s why I also wrote a couple posts about it for my readers because I wanted people to be aware of these things just you know just keep him in mind and pay peoples make her own decisions but just the vulnerabilities that are there at that while you’re there and I didn’t want anyone else or bad and I figured I could do but least I could do nothing but what I wanted to do for people with and hopefully not have them look at each other the same mistakes I made so thank you for sharing that with tell him yeah it’s in the comment on this obviously but it’s interesting that there is this the sort of a parallel opening up of dialogue and kind of a a Renaissance around psychedelic research and Shamanism and plant medicines a different kinds and ceremonies and it’s it’s been it’s been a struggle for mothers to talk about their experiences in the in the world is using entheogens for healing and for Transcendence you know and because there’s a threat that well at anything as a parent can be used against you in the family court of law basically you know so do you have any tips or experience with that hopefully you know you haven’t seen the worst of kind of dynamic but I know it’s something that a lot of women don’t speak out and don’t don’t build community using the internet because of these types of you know you’re just building a case against yourself in certain instances and if you don’t if I don’t know if there’s a right way or how you would just offer you know to tips for support but calculated risks I guess it time so yeah I think that’s what it is I have a fairly amicable relationship I would say if we didn’t if there was any kind of custody argument or fight or those kinds of things I would probably not shake the rest I do think a lot of people moving a lot I started logging not because I had an end in mind in terms of a book or a movie deal of those kinds of things I know a lot of money or they want to turn it into something a writers and so this is a another vehicle to get that kind of famous but that’s ultimately they want to make money off a Blog and I actually live in fear a little bit of of that because then suddenly becomes more likely that someone who’s heard my stories in real life is going to make a connection right so I think I think I definitely would not be so open about it if I was in a different situation with my ex I think people are not always so not as cautious as they should be frankly in or around writing some of these things in terms of Facebook group come out of group for divorced people I read some of the people right you don’t know who the other four thousand people be careful. I think at the end of the day like it for me it’s it is really about expressing what I’m going through and processing what I’m going through and I’m willing to take the rest I did my due diligence and thinking through from a professional perspective what the impact would be if it was found out if my professional life and my blog life but connected and I decided that if that were to happen Okay number one executive has a lot of facts is not exactly going to be some hell but I did I did decide that in the very unlikely scenario but that was to happen and that’s something negative was to happen to me as a result to my employer finding out that I would be the first one to show it from the rooftops that there’s no justification for that you know if that was the case I would absolutely fight for the fact that what I choose to do between consenting adults none of its illegal to have any bearing on my ability to do my job call me. I need that calculator husband now I can shut the block down pretty quickly I’m really careful about who knows I just hope he’s too busy and disinterested ever even think that it would be out there all right well it’s a reminds me I was at the adult industry door entertainment industry panel discussion about how this Administration is going to affect prosecution’s around insanity and you know with pouring and all that and what it was the lawyers from the panel or saying you know just make stuff that you’re proud of and it you’re willing to fight for and if it’s you know something that the community is people within the industry feel is worthy and recency amongst extreme pornographers believe it or not you know what you’re doing you’re not harming children or animals you’re having a great time living it up as a human being being creative and playful with your adult toys to do you know it’s only people who are jealous that would you don’t get too upset and want to shame anyone for that so I would agree and that I am willing to take the rest gate it it has become the blog and yeah you mentioned that I was writing every single day thousand words a day and it was super important to me and just being able to actually think it helps me think through things and help me make decisions the feedback also became important to me that the comments and I’m always saying to people don’t sugarcoat it I don’t want to just have a course of people that they owe you go girl and it’s nice to hear but that’s not actually really but the end of the day if I’m struggling with something I want to hear people’s perspectives even if I don’t like that I think about it as having a whole bunch of additional therapist are people who you’re could share their opinion on what I’m doing and and I don’t want to give that up and that’s important to me and so I’m willing to take the risk for that it’s it’s less it’s become at least more recently important but I’ve had I settled ever-so-slightly more Partners than people do in a lifetime one night yeah I think I went to a sex club one night and I had probably think five or six man and then I have this moment I think I’ll make a note of that for someone in their entire life and sexual partners I’m getting a little bit too yeah I wanted to know so there is this Mystique around corporate execs and the obviously the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon and I’m kind of getting a little bit of what’s the word curious I suppose about that the inter workings of the power dynamics if that say you heard if your if you have power a lot of people say that kind of stereotype around what what the male CEO executive is doing at a femdom dungeon temple temple of sorts is to release and surrender and let go of all that power and authority that’s being wielded with so much stress and responsibility during the corporate office workday or work weekend and I’m curious to have some of your cycle analysis of what’s going on in your what you found to be the what do you cook the your your release from the tension of the work place and into the realm of sexuality and how that is expressed for you I guess I could read all your blog posts or some of them and get a sense but it for this moment I’m just curious if you have a and you’re right it is so I had a his name is Andrew on the blog and he was the first person to talk to me about submission in a you know I have big shots of it but actively thing to me he said am I think you should go read go join at life website and look into Alpha subs and and he said I think you might be able to get into Subspace right which is a submissive can get into as a result of the pain or the body creates endorphins shut off that goes into this play he had suggested that and I kind of got down the rabbit hole at life of learning about submission and talking to some Dom and leading a lot about that and then decided I’d experiment a little bit with that and I’m not I am absolutely the leader at work a leader at work and have power I would say your and it’s interesting to me that it is not something that I particularly want to have quite happy to submit and I prefer it and it was only when I started reading about all of this that I liked you say you look correlation between professional strong women and a man in submission I don’t I don’t want to comment because I don’t know that true but maybe if you took 10 senior professional women would more be submissive and dominant yeah I guess that’s what I’m saying that’s from what I’ve done and yeah I don’t know if it’s so much for me to release stress I love what I do and it is a stressful job but I actually derive pleasure from from what I do I love my job other people is not stressful in the same way for me but I guess I enjoy not making decisions it’s nice to have that it’s certainly nice the kind of man that I find ultimately you’re going to think about the best partners for me would certainly be mad men who have the right balance of aggression and respect and for that is true in the bedroom I am not the kind of person and I met someone who is actually kind of funny Siri is he just called the dog trainer cuz that’s what he did he what he fancied himself a dog but he was really bossy and he tried to boss me around outside the bed early show up and say go do that dive your submissive and Michael number one I’m not I wouldn’t call myself a job and you have to earn it number to order something entirely different between in a physical act and taking charge and he wanting somebody to take charge and yes at time getting into a farmer submit some kind of exploring that’s different than someone just saying go get me a drink it’s a story about please say please and I think it is I don’t know all the reasons but that turns me on but I do know that sometimes I just I like to not have to make a decision like Joy having a male partner who’s going to be taking charge that way cool bro that’s a good could you see and say and guys who have it figured out at least four women like me it’s fantastic but more often than not I find men who are just not that you don’t quite have that balance they either think everything is directive or they asked permission to everything that some kind of my car please stop after which maybe go against those attempts to walk on eggshells and then that leaves the woman saying where’s the beef you know and I’ve been in the opposite situations where you it’s just always think the solution for it I heard someone say recently that the I guess the take home from what was being said it wasn’t the exact point don’t want to take it out of context but basically was the reason one of the key reasons for there to be for sex to be a social activity is it it helps keep people in check in how to keep you safe boundary and container and check if other people are kind of refereeing what’s going on because there’s a tendency and private if you just want you to one person might be bending their boundaries without even knowing it and regretting it later another person is in the moment could be bending their own agreement it’s just the the tendency to get into the trouble on either side of a a dyad is upset when you have more people around who are going to say Hey you know I don’t know what’s going to happen but if I make this one facial expression that I don’t even know I’m making that’s probably time to tap the guy out you know I’ve never heard that before but I love it there’s so much to learn once we start actually being open and talking about stuff Wilkes we’ve covered a lot of material and I’m so I guess they are so grateful to have received this Insight from vinevale and has been this it is kind of a alluring this double life and the challenges that we have in the modern social media era to deal with the stuff and so I’m sending my best prayers and wishes that that you’re continually safe and protected and and honor and cherish and respected in people’s you know see what you’re doing when they have a they see that you’re I did it’s a good ending in well-intentioned and purposeful mission that you have and and have no interest in outing you or any other if you know that I’m just not too sure if they understand the value that you’re bringing to other people who may be could be in the middle of nowhere and have no access to the culture that you have access to and this could be what gives them permission to even start to masturbate or something you know me that’s a big deal so yeah yeah it’s name is Leo on the Block I do have tags you know for all the names well so far what I would write would help anybody because it really is no my own Journey but it has been probably probably but it is been a real amazing side benefit and completely unexpected honor that people reach out and read and some in some cases say that yes I have open their eyes to things or has really helped them or the aspire to the same amount of a kind of Freedom that I have or write about Ben incredible if you’d asked me three and a half years ago I started writing in a whether I thought that would ever happen I would have last course not like nobody do you have any do you want to promote anything coming up on the website or just give the URL and direct people there in any closing words you might have a new maybe he’s going to end up just being one time lover will see and feathers for 800 Coast but hopefully decently easy for people to navigate to they know the sections are the stories might be of interest I know a lot of people just start at the beginning and just read so that’s always an option to although I can’t imagine doing that but I’m always up to something every day and then that time if there’s something going on I post everyday for two days and I know okay thanks again so much and you have a great evening thank you it was so delightful to meet you I love you. Tantra Park. Com can cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition to sustaining and improving the podcast your donations will help establish permaculture goddess Aphrodite ecological employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email been at Tasha Punk. Com Thomas gay