Tag Archives: sex positivity

Sex, Erotica, Fetish, and Disability with Leandra Vane TPP103


Leandra Vane PicIn this episode I am blessed to explore an array of topics that are often marginalized and poorly understood. Leandra talks about how her life as a disabled librarian in a sex negative local culture catalyzed her journey to become an influential erotica writer and blogger. We explore myths and misconceptions, sex positive activism,  the growth of independent and diverse voices within the sex positive movement, multi-media marketing strategies, indy fetish porn and much more. She also reads a bit of her writing which is an exquisite gift.

Please visit her blog at:

About Leandra:
Leandra Vane is a sexuality writer and speaker. She writes about sexuality and relationships from the perspective of a visibly disabled, polyamorous kinky woman. Her fiction has been published in numerous erotica anthologies and her sexuality memoir is entitled “Trophy Wife: Sexuality. Disability. Femininity.” She is currently working on a second sexuality memoir about her experience as a female fetishist. She is a Certified Public Librarian and holds a Bachelor’s degree in language arts with a psychology minor. She writes a sexuality book review blog entitled The Unlaced Librarian.

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Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin podcast episode number 103 I am talking with the unlaced librarian SX block and erotica writer who has the a Blog at the Unleashed librarian. Blogspot.com and I was just browsing the the block website lots of interesting to see an original topics and wanted to invite her to be on the touch of fun podcast to talk about that space that she’s writing in an in kind of help inform us more about the world of sex plugging in an erotica writing and more so with that would you please to introduce yourself and tell us a bit about how you arrived at this point in your life as a sex blogger Turn Me On yeah my name is Leandra vein and I’ve been writing my blog the unlace librarian since 2013 and the the sex blog and the blogging and the sex writing really was a complete turning point for myself in my sexuality in my life up until that point before I started writing my blog I was very interested in sexuality I was very interested in relationships but because of start of the environment that I lived in and the body that I lived in because I’m a physically disabled person I wasn’t really allowed to have an outlet for sexuality I kept a lot of that secret and so I followed text logs and secret I read lots of sex books and secret I read lots of erotica and secret but as far as my own writing and interacting with the people that I wanted to interact with and doing the things that I wanted to do I had really kept that Under Wraps I’d kept it away from a lot of people because I didn’t feel like they would approve of that and so when I started writing the blog it was basically a breaking point for me I was tentatively trying to put more embodiment and sexuality into my own writing and somebody that I knew found out about it and they were just irate and they told me that they’d lost a lot of respect for me they couldn’t believe I would write this stuff then so I was feeling very upset about that and I was outside on my patio and I just kind of left it this empty chair across the table and I saw all of the pieces of myself that I had put off that I had censored and sitting across from me was like a happy version of myself and I knew that I’d cut off so much of my own identity in my own expression trying to make other people happy that I couldn’t keep doing that and I wanted to be that person that I saw across the table so that afternoon is when I launched my blog because I’ve been thinking about it for a long time and when I started writing my first collection of erotica so I can actually say now thinking about this I think it’s the first time I’ve said this out loud but since that time in 2013 I can really say that I am that person now I’ve been able to connect with so many amazing people I’ve been able to untangle so many things about myself and connect with people and that I really am happy now and I can live a more authentic life that I can be real with the people that I care about that I love and that they aren’t just loving somebody that I’m pretending to be that they’re actually knowing the real me and I’m doing the work that I want to be doing so beautiful it is such a touching story of empowerment transformation through the power of the internet just find your tribe just by posting content and so how did the how does your mark at the block or how do people what was the sort of thumb processive of it growing and becoming I’m significant to other folks you know in secret so I really started doing book reviews because even though a lot of people maybe if you read a textbook you’re not necessarily going to review it or tell us people about it you’re kind of going to keep that secret so this was a really interesting platform for me to talk about sex without being too I guess in people’s faces it was just like here I’m doing this book and if you’re interested in this you should read it so that was a really interesting way to connect with people because I could recommend books and I could take the sex positivity into this sort of vanilla space which was like a library and talk about things like you know censorship and intellectual freedom and information access because a lot of people if they don’t have access to good sex education the library is going to be a place that we need to to put resources in and give people access to that so I kind of started by doing book reviews and doing talks at libraries and colleges and sort of worked my way up into then sharing my own story I talked about being a unisex instability cuz I’m a disabled person and also BDSM open relationship fetishes sexual fantasy so I really like that I kind of started that foundation with books and sharing books and giving people kind of that safe place in between the pages of a book to explore their own sexuality in a way that’s that’s kind of safe and maybe a little bit more quiet then maybe some other people to be comfortable with so that’s really kind of how I started connecting with other people and then writing my own books and letting people read them in a place where they’re comfortable wow that’s exactly it’s really interesting I’ve always felt that if you just had the right map at the library to where the sequence of books to find and put together you could really do the most subversive radical transformative work it’s it’s really all there it’s it’s almost like there’s no excuse to feel like we’re limited because you’re you’re a living example of what a little bit of Ingenuity and creativity can result in so that’s exciting and I applied that and I think I think a lot of people have some form of a library fetish as well so I’m just curious. Have you encountered that as a librarian other people’s librarian fetish what do interesting actually because there’s sort of the pop culture stereotype of the sexy librarian and haven’t worked at a library I can tell you I’ve had to kick people out because they were like making out or trying to have sex in the stacks I don’t know what it is about that energy and I guess the sapiosexuality like this I think there’s also something that’s very forbidden I mean I know everything from kids sneaking comic books behind their parents backs two people reading the the paper box with the bodice in a rivers in the the cleavage in the Fabio hair they feel it’s kind of like naughty or secretive I think there’s just this kind of deviance that comes with with reading what you want to read and there’s a danger in knowledge there’s sort of always been this policing of of knowledge and information and there we you know where we draw the line between what is useful information and what is just perverse or what is just insane when really it’s all philosophy and that’s why people are so scared of it sometime so yeah I think it’s just a great environment for people to push the limits of themselves and I think a lot of people find that really sexy yeah certainly a taboo to be wild and free and making a an erotic Rocket City Library so that reminds me that I don’t know exactly when it was but I think it was kind of a big viral social media event where I think she was a college student and she was a web she was doing webcamming and she I believe she did a webcam broadcast of probably masturbation or playing with a toy or something at I think it was her College library and it was captured on film or something so somehow it was leaked and then she got I think she got kicked out of school but it launched her porn career about that but I can tell you that if you are going to try to do something like that like that the library has security cameras but they do have blind spot so if you have an Insider I can tell you where those blind spots are that would probably find that information out endorsement of any illegal activity but certainly interesting case studies for sure do you want to talk about I’m very curious this will be the first time I’ve had the opportunity to explore sex and disability on the show and I feel like the the entry point that I have felt most I guess engaged with or her passion about is is the argument that there’s places in the world where it’s it’s difficult to criminalize sex work especially when the sex workers are providing services for disabled people who would otherwise have limited well because of cultural stigma and I’m sure all the things that you can Enlighten us much more about you know that I know very little about it’s just the people are marginalized and there’s yeah there’s a lot that so I don’t even know what the word is that you would use for so-called able Able Body people who just ignorant to an end and cognizant of this sector of sexuality so please I vow means whatever extent you’re comfortable sharing I’d love to know what what we can be doing to be allies in in all shapes and forms and abilities really really important to me and was really impactful to me because when I was growing up I could have came from the background of a lot of sex negativity so when I first went into college and I was sort of exploring sexuality and I heard about you know in different countries and end in America people with disabilities or disabled people wanting to hire sex worker I was really pissed off I was like I was saying it was like people were saying like you’re not good enough to have real sex and when I kind of monster untangle all that sex negativity I realize that while that is a really sex negative way to look at things and when I look at how we consume a lot of sexual media we kind of give a hierarchy to certain sexual Outlets so I suppose in theory the the most valuable quote-unquote valuable type of sex is a monogamous sexual relationship so you’re having sex with a lifetime partner but other types of sexuality if you have kinky sex if you have fetish sex if you have sex with multiple partners if you have solo sex if you consume pornography if you consume erotica it’s less than and I have noticed that certain people will be kind of segregated into categories like oh that guy can’t get a date so sure he can watch porn or that person is a fetishist so they don’t want real sex so they can watch porn or that person’s disabled nobody wants to have sex with them so they can watch porn but nobody else can watch for it support his bad so in my view we need to give respect and we need to give value to all sexual Outlets that we have that a lot of people will like stigmatized for example pornography and erotica fetish and also Lake in my open relationship polyamory and stuff like that people kind of say well you know you’re only settling to have an open relationship because you can’t have them and that’s not true at all my monogamous relationship grew into an open relationship so I think that you know we kind of talked about sex and disability I was kind of desegregated thing but if you look at sexuality overall we’re going to see these places where we stigmatized certain groups of people and we stigmatized certain sexual Outlets so if we can start putting value and respect on these different sexual Outlets I think that’s not just going to help disabled people but also lots of people in all walks of life in all spectrum of our sexualities have better relationships and have a more healthier outlook on their sexuality that’s going to help them make better decisions it’s going to help him treat their Partners better it’s going to help them understand their own emotions and their own motivations better and overall I think that’s a really good thing but no it’s all tied together and embodiment and what we think is is the right way to do things and once you start entangling that you realize you can really send those things and that we really have a lot more in common with a lot of people than what we think we do I suppose that’s the first time I’ve been given that sort of tool to look at how sex negativity really functions it is that hierarchy of self-righteous described in and yeah I really think it’s a disability to D6 negative yeah so do you want can you talk about your experiences they have you found other disabled folks that have gravitated towards you or your sort of making new blog posts in and just doing Outreach in that space yeah I think I had a target audience I was saying I’m going to write up a poster I’m going to say this or do that and I can kind of expect who’s going to consume it or who’s going to get back with me on it and nine times out of 10 now it’s the complete opposite person I’m finding that when I talk about one thing I talked about like fetish I’ll have somebody from a different group say I really relate to this so what I find most interesting is so I have made connections with with people with disabilities and things like that where we were late to to these particular thing I’ve also connected with people that are completely different from me for example I actually have lots of able-bodied men straight men and I’m a queer disabled female so it’s it’s interesting for me I guess what I’m finding is that I have no idea who I’m talking to most of the time but people are finding Connections in that and so I think that’s really cool and so do you order some of the other areas of focus that you have for your blog find recently. BDSM BDSM and fetish Expos go hand-in-hand quite a lot and there’s a lot of overlap in polyamory and be at them so they are their own separate things as well what have you learned in the processor how have you since you started out as you know your own sometimes I guess you can feel like a voice in the wilderness I don’t know if that’s how you felt exactly when you started but now how many egg is how many years have you been going in and what are some of the highlights of the things you feel like you’ve learned in the process I feel like I was in the wilderness I live in the midwest so finding Community was really difficult but the internet of course was a really big part in in helping to fill that but one of the things I think that’s most interesting is the impact that I’ve had locally with people that I actually know or who I have met or I have come in contact with I think that it’s great that I’ve connected with people all over the country and I think it’s it’s great I love going to conferences I love talking it at colleges and stuff like that and meeting people but it’s really interesting sue for me how my relationships with people that I’ve known for many years has changed because now they have permission to tell their secrets they have permission to let their guard down and let me see who they really are so a lot of the conversations that I’ve had about sex and embodiment with my own friends and family has just changed completely since I started doing this so for me that was a really big and interesting thing another thing was that you know I really just found out like how I’m not alone I used to think that like I have to be one of the only people that does this or feel this way and a finding that there’s lots of people that that do and I’m finding it a great community in the sex positive in the BDSM community so I’m really grateful for that because we all continue to learn from each other and I just feel like I continue to grow because I met these people so that’s really great cool and you were mentioning that you do erotica fiction and nonfiction writing is that right can you talk a bit about what you probably still far sexuality disability femininity and I’m working on a second edition of that because since I published it I’ve learned a lot of things and so I feel like I need to update it a little bit and I’m also working out the second sex no more specifically about my identity as a female fetishes so that’s been kind of tough because I feel by fetish identity is the one that I’ve come to sort of last I made peace with the fact that I’m in an open relationship but I’m in in the BDSM community and lots of other things but the fact that I have a fetish it was really difficult for me so I working on that fiction wise I’m really interested in writing multi-partner romances so most of my romance is have more than one partner and most of my romances teacher at least one if not more disabled characters so those are two things that are really important to me and that’s something that I want to bring forth in my fiction well that’s very exciting because I feel that there’s got to be more popular media eventually it’ll make its way into the mainstream but I feel like we’re the New Jersey desperate need for alternative relationships tiles to be more accessible for people to discover I would say earlier in life so that they don’t become molded into you know the nuclear family patriarchal Dino King of the house man of the house that that hold system that I don’t know if you know what your politics are exactly you know but I can kind of I’ll speak for myself you know saying that I’m really looking forward to seeing more I mean I guess I also would there were a lot of children’s books that came out to support same-sex parents same-sex adoption of foster parents or adoptive parents said that that was a whole sort of from educational propaganda campaign by the queer movement to make sure that there were resources that would normalize same-sex couple households with children in a raising children so I’m wondering do you have any sense of how if there are other writers who are obviously you know you’re right you know you’re not writing children’s books but just you know what whatever age appropriate content is is out there and wondering if you are aware of resources that will be good to sort of even if it’s a couple you know a married couple that have been together for years like hey here’s this novel I got you for Christmas for your birthday and when you’re going to read it and you’re going to maybe want to go to a swingers party or so sing and you know try something out if ya please educate and inform us if you can yeah well Def Market there’s lots of book being published considering same-sex parenting and same-sex parents and lots of inclusion as far as be gay when you’re young teenager and things like that the office of intellectual Freedom actually publishes list of books that are challenged and I think over half of them for this year have to do with some sort of lgbtq issue so I think that’s very telling but we’re we’re really fortunate here in any knighted states to have a strong Library a public library system and we have places like the office of intellectual Freedom that will help libraries when they come across these things like books being challenged and these kind of social issues so I would really encourage people to look up the office Freedom they have a Blog they published in Wauchula Freedom news so every week you can sign up for newsletter that we’ll talk about books that have been challenged or just different issues and internet access and a lot of that overlaps with with sexuality as far as novels and things that represent different diverse voices with a self-publishing market that’s happened and the independent presses that are popping up there is definitely a lot more inclusion of all sorts of different Dynamic all sorts of different sexualities and by identities the problem with it though is that it’s it’s hard to find author’s it’s really difficult to find each other we’re kind of in this this very I don’t want to stay over saturated but definitely it’s it’s hard to amplify voice is so if you find an artist or a writer that you really like please do everything you can to share them request copies of their books at your library review their books share their books on social media give copies of their books to people that you think will want to read them because that is is going to be so important for any self-published author and I would say that there are more people that are going to be riding this kind of stuff in the self-published OR independently published Market because mainstream market especially for adults aren’t there yet at all so the ways that we’re going to get these books into libraries and into the hands of people as we have to do it ourselves so right on ya you something just came to me as you’re saying that which is I don’t know what you know how this would work business-wise I’m sure it could be figured out but you know I’m actually working on I’ve got like four hundred pages of pretty raw material that I will eventually be putting into a book for him and I’m just looking at all the crowd source and self-publishing and crowdsourcing funding and even crowdsourcing editing and really kind of leveraging a fanbase to help get things pillow you no help to get everything publish music videos books everything like you know all creative content and I just had this Vision as you were talking about an author sort of incentivizing their true fans to become resellers to become affiliate Sivan of their of their book of both online if you don’t have a link where they get a kickback for mentioning it you know in an email blast or put a banner on their website but also just having a box of the books you like my book caretaker box I’ll give you a name for half price and you can keep you know half of the profits and just you know I think I’ve never thought of anyone actually doing that just taking a book that they absolutely love and having a box of them like him up so I’m I don’t know yet it’s just that just came up for me but yeah how do you do you want to talk about your strategy for publishing wait like I’m going to get an agent and I’m going to go to the traditional route and I will edit a piece to death as long as it gets published I don’t care like I had no Integrity about anyting but since I’ve kind of come down out of that ego trip and realized that basically the mainstream market is really not interested in anything I have to say and I’m not saying that as an insult because the story that I had to tell I mean if you put the things that I’m all about multi-partner disabled paranormal stuff that’s a Venn diagram that nobody wants to see the people that want to read what I have soup to write are small But Mighty and I would rather concentrate on meeting people face to face in real breathing time that we have a connection with rather than kind of light putting it out all on the internet and hashtagging everything to death even though I am on Twitter and I do hashtag my fair share of things but you know I have just really kind of developed a very simple strategy I write a book I edit it I take care of it as best as I can and I publish it myself I’m one person living in the midwest putting my stuff out there and I’ve been very fortunate in the few years that I’ve been doing this too and made so many wonderful connections to people that truly care about my work and that I truly care about their work so I’m just going to keep doing that it works for me for now and I’m more than happy with that and I’ve got I think the last time I counted I had 17 titles that I have outlined so I’ll be busy for a while writing and I’m good with that but I really I have no I have no big masterful grand plan I’m just I’m just writing and putting it out there so refreshing to hear actually I listen to the my music on CD Baby and they have a podcast for independent musicians and it’s all you know tactics and strategies and advice and on almost some some therapy for a struggling independent artist in the in one of their believe they have like an annual annual conference Gathering and I think it was one of their workshops or keynote speeches were where one of the guys said you know you need to get over something like you need to get over social media shame that there’s this burden when you see other people rise to the the cream Rises and the few nights like this never-ending to me it’s a nightmare just witnessing this type of verity contest and the the things people have to do to keep up with the Joneses on social media and it can be just a real psychological disorder so to be able to be content and focus more on developing a local real face-to-face audience I mean open mics and come to mind and yeah I’m really really glad to hear that there’s sick it seems like it’s a it’s like homesteading for artists going back to the land was going back to the the open mic and and being content with face-to-face real human relationships that’s I’m not there yet I’m still addicted to the 5th the game I’m not going to say that I’m completely out of the game if I if I were I just be in my basement not telling anybody about it but I tell people about it but yeah it’s a good balance yeah I’m sure we’ll find that balance but I am glad you kind of mentioned that don’t forget about getting out there and actually meeting people and you know being present yeah impacting people so that’s That’s so exciting a trophy wife like I said I’m working on getting a second edition out hopefully this summer sorry I’m looking for everybody take bus some deep breaths and get one hand free make it concise but it might be a couple minutes so please take your time we got plenty of time what do you think about when you think of 1920s America Fox trotting and alcohol roadsters and Beads gangsters and free-spirited Flappers am I construction of American History this is the picture I had painted in my head to reference the Jazz Age social upheaval and mass consumerism new technologies and new ways to do our bodies and our mine a nonstop party roared across tarnation from 1920 through 1929 or so I imagined when I was working as a library clerk one of my task was to answer genealogy request that have been sent to the library binding obituaries and marriage or birth announcements from as early as 1867 and as late as yesterday we’re particularly sticky research project at the library I needed to read through three months of my hometown newspaper from the year 1924 the picture these papers painted of the 1920s was entirely different from the one in my head rather than an eccentric celebration of change and a Zeal for social reform the articles read more like War journalism the Enemy being short haired women at Lazy layabout men at the movies more so than any era I’ve perused the opinions and the Articles were mostly focused on battling social trends one city official decry the state of women being ruined by independent Fox trotting and frivolous dress while young men were ignorant and superficial he complained that upper education universities and colleges we’re not producing great minds but creating a culture of the shallow know-it-all he was not prepared for any real work or trade young women were Thoughtless and unfit to be wives but the young men were not looking to marry good women he ended with a morning of morality and feared the world would never see a day of wholesome living like the way when he was raised it seems my vision of the nation as a laid-back knowledgeable Beacon of light had found a dark spot my hometown nearly 100 years later in 2015 a woman from a small town in Nebraska announced she was doing every homosexual in the world her motive for legal action was to take her case before a judge to have homosexuality is legally defined as a sin the case was dismissed but not before the story made national headlines the story was shared by many on my sex positive social network this incident happened to be right about the month and a half after the religious freedom restoration Act was signed into law in Indiana at the time media and social networks around the country spewed hate and disgust or the entire State fuck Indiana was the primary sentiment as far as I could tell and take Nebraska with you was the theme in the weeks following the story of that crazy bigoted woman from Nebraska now as a neat as easy as it might be on the census to assume that everyone in the 1920s was a flapper and everyone in Nebraska is trying to sue all homosexuals this simply is not true between the radicals and the traditionalist are everyone else and Nebraska is no different I am one of almost two million people who called Nebraska home last time I checked those who consider themselves religious forces those who don’t in my state is split 50-50 yes certain viewpoints are dominant foot the pervasive and unhealthy views of sex and relationships are not limited to religion nor to Nebraska just ask Ashley Madison I am a Nebraskan the Prairie the Midwest the Heartland is my home home is funnel cakes and the county fair home is where the Deep Purple and fuschia Sunset hold you like a song home is where the fireflies flicker on a backdrop of green grass in summer heat home is where you Traverse old overgrown Trails snag with forgotten barbed wire and metals just to find the perfect clearing to watch fireworks in the human July 9th home is where you take my fingers into the sun warmed by the soil of my garden home is where I go to keep clubs and respects books on Sunday home is where I sit with my friends at cafes and we laugh and we cry home is where I learned to speak with my hands and discovered what it felt like to be lied to home has heartbreak and lust lost and frustration home is library cards and raking leaves and summertime cookouts home is a small town with brick streets and wooden bridges home is all the picnic table sidewalks and see windows and bodies that gained our touch it’s surprising how long are fingertips Linger on silverware gasoline pumps High School bleachers park benches passed jobs old habits for State garage basement back seats in back bedroom voting by slipping inside among with cigarette smoke Fresh Life blooms on the topsoil of a former life that people forgot or forgave the Pioneers broke this wild land with the sweat and blood and we’ll of their bodies I wonder when the generations that followed lost touch no not everyone was a flapper in 1924 but there are still some of us in Nebraska if you care to believe it to these I raise my glass here’s the next 100 years well I want to clap but it would probably pick the audio so I’m going to just give you an Eric Clapton wow it’s been a long time since I’ve given literature my undivided attention when I read my stuff so I’m like shaking oh no it’s wonderful yeah thank you so much as beautiful I just wish I could press pause on everything so that I could enjoy books the way I used to it’s so much multitasking and I called hyper testing really so many tabs up and apps running and you know I just I hope I can pretty much only consume text to podcasts and sometimes you know PDFs but yeah praying that I will get it to go on vacation and catch up on all of this while so do you you must have really been I mean you can have you always been like a burp a bookworm as it’s as they say or have you ever been on this craft bite by reading a lot I would assume or oh yeah yeah ever since I was really really small I’ve always loved books but I I really kind of actually tie that directly to my experience with my disability because I spent a lot of my time when I was a very young child and it cast so like I had body cast that I cast them both my legs so I learned to read because of the things people wrote on my cast and so when I was a kid you know I had surgeries and I couldn’t go play outside with the other kids and so I would stay inside and read and that was really how I basically experience allowed to go live life out of the playground so I live the life of these characters and things like that so for a long time I actually related more to people in books and stories than I did to real people but I’m coming out slowly again thank you so much and I feel like maybe another topic we can explore bits we have some more time as you were concerns feelings thoughts opinions that critiques of porn and whatever comes up for you around that term it’s it’s become a deep study of mine and I’m always curious what what people are getting into on that subject oh yeah porn is I I like talking about for a lot too because it was such a big deal for myself once again coming from that background I just Associated photography with a lot of really horrible things and in the end it’s because it showcases a lot of our insecurities it blurs the lines of monogamy it shows us things that were we’re scared about when it comes to expressing or sexual expressing our fantasies in the way it’s kind of like the golden key doors Ikea somebody knows what turns you on that’s a lot of control and so there’s a lot of fear and paranoia and anger and hatred around it and I totally understand that but at the same time it’s everywhere I mean I hand over heart no absolutely no one who is not at one time or another had a conflict but I also think that we have all the technology we have all of this ability to connect to each other and talk about philosophy and talk about things like you know consent and that we we need to have an open dialogue about sexuality and pornography has to be a part of that and I think that there are things that we can do to make ethical foreign there are things that we can do to basically take the the fears and anxieties and the actual problems that people do have with corn and fix them just banding it just telling people did not watch it isn’t going to work so I do like to talk with people about pornography and sexual fantasy overall I feel that prography kind of has the the Cornerstone on the sexual fantasy Market when you say sexual fantasy most people automatically assume pornography so I would like people to be more in touch with their sexual fantasies and be able to sort of be more comfortable with them and I think intern we’re going to be seeing a lot more diverse horn horn that maybe you know showcases things that have not been showcased before and but if I did all needs we all need that we need to start talking about it I mean it needs to be in sex education you know as a fetishist myself it was so weird to not only not be able to have a conversation about pornography but then I’m watching this really weird porn so I feel even worse about that but I mean it it starts it starts really young we see all the sexual images and stuff like that like we it’s going to get into your head and if you don’t allow it to have a healthy Outlet it’s going to start you know turning into something that the dark secret and when something gets put underground that’s when that’s really bad things happened so don’t know if I’m making any sense but yeah this is this is you know the most the nearest and dearest thing to my heart because you know I’ve said this before in the past and not to to be the turd in the Punchbowl but I was used in child pronography and now I’m making conscious feminist porn to show people how to be you know practice sacred sexuality the way that I’ve been trained to Tantra and it’s been my my Saving Grace you know to come full circle into I actually want to go back to the people who abused me if I can find it any of them and actually Enlighten them sexually with what I have discovered through my path of personal sexual spiritual healing and development and now I feel like the the irony or the Paradox is that the the most treacherous slippery slope of pouring and its potential to be this very exploited to very negative actually win I don’t want to say done right or properly because then they can get more realistic but you know there’s a potential for it to just destroy sexual repression I mean the the church is having a really hard time and everything is coming back to bite them in the ass so yeah it makes a lot of sense that we’re we’re now the Genie’s out of the bottle you know so me this is the hardest issue or a conundrum for now it’s the entire Globe the entire Internet connected Globe has got to decide if porn is going to be accessible in whatever format it’s it’s being produced and then they’re going to have to make porn for their parishes if they want to compete with the influence of it they can’t just be in denial about it just like they can’t be in denial about sex and masturbation and everything else so that’s the that the final frontier is when they actually I mean they’ve done everything else they’ve had Christian death metal bands they’ve had Christian skateparks you know they know people who are deeply involved in undercover Christian I’m going to go into the satanic cult and convert them from within okay well it’s going to pour in and show people how Christ how would Jesus do it you know tell us should I get some of that actually exist but positivity you don’t have a you either have to yeah you got to take a side I guess you but you can’t be neutral because you can’t be in denial so what you said with your story you know cuz you know there’s there’s disability fetish it’s out there and support of coming to terms with my own with my own fetish was was accepting that their disability fetishists in the thing is is that you know that often the disability fetish it sort of painted as automatically being the the perpetrators and people disabilities are automatically but if you if you kind of take a step back and say okay like this is the way that it hurts people but we can do it in a way that there aren’t any victims on either side like this is the direction that we need to move it and that’s very difficult it’s tied to our bodies and it’s tied to two things like actual you know victimhood and actual people hurting each other but instead of using that as a sound bite as exploiting people who have been abused just to get your way and Bandit me to actually listen to these people and say okay you know how can we do this in a way that is understanding and consent-based and basically remove shame for a lot more people so that the abuse doesn’t continue to happen well yeah I was saying you know what I’d like to to hear you talk more about what you considered to be a healthy and obviously we’re not trying to be dictators into set one way for everybody on anything but I definitely feel that yeah you would be a good person to talk about have you is is there sort of ethical disability fetish porn is there you know his that something that needs to be developed as an as it needs you know or does it is there a market for it is our a pronoun or porn Studios serving that market or feminist porn people stepping up in that way what would you say what’s the call to action if people are out there and they want to support you through you know whatever means a few different levels to this on one level in the Kink Community you have people who are disabled for example I am disabled and I have no problem playing with my disability as an element in a scene if it’s negotiated and if you know as much as the other person and I think in in the Kink Community when you’re doing that one-on-one and people are kind of producing their own images and their own videos but they’re not getting paid for them they’re just kind of like doing it I see that happening quite a lot as far as like things that people can buy I know there are disabled performers that put light clips for sale or have websites and things like that that cater to it but I also know that there are disabled performers who would prefer not to perform for disability fetish just for say they want to be a poor performer they want to perform erotic Lee but their target market is definitely not a disability fetishes and unfortunately I think there’s not enough performers or companies serving this Market because people still do still pictures of people that have no idea that their pictures are being taken or recording them walking or using a wheelchair when they don’t know about it and some of that could be because they don’t want to watch porn clip they want the thrill of it being the real real experienced a real person so there’s like a lot of psychology in it as well but I also think that automatically shaming people for having a disability fetish only adds fuel to that fire because if they’re like okay if I try to get the poor and ethically or if I try to negotiate a scene with somebody but they’re going to hate me just as much as if I still pictures I might as well just still pictures and it’s not something that I’ve gotten into extensively I know that there are people that probably know more about it than I do but it is something that I’m interested in seeing as I went from being so completely against using my disability in any sort of sexual way to you now being very comfortable with it to the point that I do play with it and kink but I definitely think that but yeah it is a very it’s a very emotional and a very psychological sort of thing we got going on with that because you’re going to have people saying like oh it’s it’s it’s a mental illness to be attracted to somebody with the disability but why is that a mental illness is people with disabilities are people and these are our bodies and we are sexual so yeah it’s it’s a it’s a can of worms but I think that we can make us a GoPro and I think it’s just going to be though taking away a lot of that shame around the disabled body and around fetishes and general please forgive me if I don’t use the you know the the most evolved terminology or I don’t have the right you know I like it it’s there are whether it’s diet or political politics or there’s there’s people out there who will Who will beat you over the head with their protest sign and I will just stay for from the beginning that I consider myself pretty ignorant at this is not this is not an issue that has been close enough to home for me to have to be really educated in and lighting around however so I guess I’m not asking for a hall pass on you know you can you can hit me over the head with this protest sign if if if I need it but yeah with that prophesy I feel like there is a there is a let’s maybe call it a an archetypal Mythos around the the person would say the blind or deaf person or the physically disabled person in a wheelchair and and the ability to pay for the so I guess I’m just speaking archetypally in this news of Mystique around how I’ve observed in popular culture let’s say in whatever storytelling that I have consumed in my life that there is a Mystique around how a person who is the underdog who isn’t probably going to win the beauty contest or the you know be the prom king or queen or whatever it is the person who doesn’t develop a or doesn’t develop this this hunger to play the game of egotistical narcissistic you know being the the Rockstar whatever and that they actually develop character and skills in our more Soulful and more compassionate and that the virtuous person who can feel that love has a context to compare that level of authentic love to those shallow fake people who are out there trying to achieve shallow ends and to be respected and honored and put on a pedestal for the wrong reasons. Is that a myth that should be busted or how do you feel about that and has an erotic writer is that where did where would you take that that sort of what you call it that Motif because it’s definitely out there you know there’s a fine line with any sort of with any sort of when you’re ready and disabled character because yeah I like it if you’re just doing it to feel good like oh it’s like the oh who is Charles Dickens character Little Tim or Tiny Toon you’re he’s like the second coming of Christ because he has a limp you know and I think that’s very self-serving toward a sort of the I guess ignorant standpoint on disability but I’m not going to say that when I write disabled characters even when I look you know upon my own life if I got everything that I wanted I wouldn’t be here I would still be trying to keep everything hidden I’d still be trying to keep up my massage one of the reasons that I am a sex blogger at the sex writer and I can’t do all this shit that I want to and I’m happy is because Society won’t let me when let me pretend to be an able-bodied person every time I was like no I’m an able-bodied person on a sexual being and I find them to like you’re so disabled and you don’t fit in go away so fine I was like fuck it all like I’ll just hang out over here and you know you do cultivate inside empathy and you do learn from that but at the same time there’s plenty of people and I’m sure you know you probably know somebody might not be disability but they go through hell and back and they don’t learn anything there still striving toward that egotistical thing or they’re still just like trying to stuff themselves up with with fake things and their experience in life is is kind of wasted and it’s the same with this disability so I think when when you’re writing any character you know it if it’s not a fully-realized character at the crap character with her disabled or not so if this if the person disability is the reason that they’re their culture dating this inside and empathy in this sort of unwavering will do to get things done and things like that you better have a damn good reason that they’re doing that that’s not just a disability I mean it’s who they are as a person and all of the other things that has built up in their life that are impacting the way that they do things because people reacting so many different ways I know people who are very bitter and angry and pissed off and not in a way that’s that’s that’s against healthy cuz I think that being bitter and pissed off and angry can be healthy in certain ways if it’s getting you to do something if it’s if it’s lighting your fire is it you know motivating you but if it’s just turning into something that’s wicked something that’s cruel something that’s that’s low and just a black hole of nothing then that’s not good either so yeah it’s a fine line but you know disabled people their experiences are any different from anybody else in their experiences when when it comes to these things none of us are normal we all have things that were super embarrassed about we all have things that we would rather not bring out to the light and it really comes down to who you are and a lot of different factors to whether you’re going to stand up to that or not beautiful yeah that help thank you for helping him get the dress stereotypes and bring more just Consciousness and awareness and I’m scared of cereal that we’ve got to have this conversation and we’re about to at the hour or so I’m wondering if you have if you want to plug your website again and if you have any closing words you want to share and just that what what what would you like people to to do to connect with you until 2 to follow up in and stay in touch I sure you can check out my blog the unlaced librarian. Blogspot.com I do have a YouTube channel I tweet at Landry underscore vein I’m on Instagram and Lace Librarians that’s all that fun stuff I’m really excited I have several titles I’m hoping to release this year so please stay tuned I’m writing disabled characters and polyamorous pairings as well as my non-fiction with my fetish stuff that I like to talk about so much and yeah if if you let you know I’m I’m out here in the middle of nowhere so please just say hi on social media or leave a comment I would love to hear from you awesome alright well thank you so much it really was a pleasure and I will definitely be in touch all right take care of a good night to go to www.crunch.com can cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition to sustaining and improving the podcast your donations will help establish permaculture goddess temples every bite ecological employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email event at Archer Punk. Com Thomas Day

Solving Slutty Girl Problems with Lorrae Bradbury TPP102


Lorrae Bradbury PicIn this episode I’m joined by the illustrious sex blogger Lorrae Bradbury of Slutty Girl Problems. She shares her story of finding empowerment and support for her lifestyle of sexploration using social media platforms, a strategy that eventually led to her building successful sex blogging enterprise. We discuss many dimensions of cultural evolution around sexuality, love and relationships. She offers a vast array of practical tools and life hacks that help sexually adventurous folks break free from shame, ignorance, jealousy, boredom, and more.

Please check out her website at:

About Lorrae:

Lorrae Bradbury is the founder of Slutty Girl Problems, a website and brand empowering women to embrace their sexuality, without shame. She’s a also a writer, pug-cuddler, wanderlust-er, and festival hopper. Follow her adventures on Twitter and Instagram: @Lorraejo.

AI Generated Transcription:
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Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin hello Darrell Evans welcome to Tantra Punk podcast episode number 102 I’m here on Skype with Laura Bradbury the founder of sluttygirlproblems, which is an amazing sex blog and then I got to say I thought I knew a lot about sex and sexuality and all those the interplay in the modern world and I looked at her website and I seriously feel like I’ve been living under a rock so check it out and see what you’re missing and I hope we’re going to get a lot of new insight and fresh perspectives all from Luray now if you want to tell us about your background and how you became a sexuality thought leader after having me and I’ve always had an interest in sexuality as growing up I’ve always been curious about it and both professionally and personally wanted to learn how people thought about sexuality and thought I was in college I studied psychology and women’s studies and really wanted to focus on how young women are socialized to think about our sexuality we’re bombarded with so many different messages on about sexuality being shameful but it’s something we shouldn’t be talking about that we have to hide that we can’t tell our partner as what we desire and that if we are having sex I am working to be shamed and called a slut and judged for it so kind of growing up with all these messages about sexuality and having this steep interest to explore my own sexuality was really a conflicting for me because you want to be a good girl and you want to you know I’ll follow the rules but you have this yearning an urge to do something that’s so what are off the beaten path and Against the Grain and I started to come to this realization that it shouldn’t be it shouldn’t be against the grain it is really going with the grain because it’s our natural urge hits you know how everybody is want to connect with other people and it’s a big piece of emotional fulfillment whether it’s inside a relationship outside of a relationship I just be able to express that part of yourself so I started my website as initially a Twitter account when I was in college and I was just kind of anonymously talking about all the funny weird facts the awkward things that happen when you’re having sex when you’re having sex with strangers and commenting specifically shameful messages and trying to kind of eliminate them and tell women like it’s okay to be having these experiences I’m having them my friends are having them and hear the place where we can all talk about it and not feel so alone I’m starting to slowly chip away at that flexion and culture and connect with women all over the world who wanted to explore their sexuality to and we’re feeling like maybe they didn’t have an outlet to talk about it so when that started to grow I felt like I was just on to something and that women really do need a space to connect and learn more and feel empowered and their sexuality so I turned the Twitter account into my current website and started to create content that you’re able to really dive more into sexuality more than you can in the hundred forty characters that Twitter gives you that and it’s really a testament to how in this information age with all this technology anyone really with the passion can step up and become a thought leader and certainly you were addressing the most near and dear issue to most people’s hearts that there’s been such Silence about so again thank you so much for stepping up in that way and do you want to talk kind of give us the car audio tour if you will have your website and what people can be discovering there we really tried to cover the vast array of different sexualities so we have Sunny call and we have really end up guys and sex texts and we have pieces that are more political talking about women’s issues in women’s right but we try to cover everything from you know Kingston said tell you just how to do you know kind of basic sex techniques and sex position and then we even do like movie commentary pop culture commentary and we have until like different products and that might help to enhance your sex life and we even have like Community forum for people can ask her own questions and get and reader responses so if you need advice you can play right into our advice column or you can just ask Bella members on-site what they would do in your situation and so we really transgo uncover everything that young man and a young man come to our site to it’s not an old The Old Man and old woman come to our state to so it’s it’s not necessarily gender or age difference to buy anyone can come and learn more about sexuality and kind of diamonds anything but they want to explore awesome you act like I said I am I feel like dizzy from looking at it and there’s so much you’re so many resources there it’s I think one of the richest website experiences I’ve had in a long time and it’s well-designed so it’s really want your titles that goes wow these are these are the the sexploits of the usually hear men bragging about but from a proud and empowered female perspective it’s really exciting because yeah most people I guess they’re still trapped in shame or just fantasy really so to see this stuff all come to life in a place where it’s very well nested together there’s a lot of clickbait that’s really yeah healthy and and Valley will actually am one of my favorite projects that I’ve worked on was for another magazine and I interviewed women about their back sexual stories and Abby’s one-on-one interviews and women sharing kind of these intimate moments where some of them are like funny or a little risque like having sex in the back of a car or I’m having sex in the baseball Dugout or you know having sex with their professor and it was really cool to have women coming forward with these really exciting fun stories that show that it doesn’t have to be dressed in a relationship with your monogamous partner that it can be you know in the dungeon of a sex club and all of it is fine and all of it is great and all that is solid and and that is definitely what we aim to show so glad that is coming across to evolved Consciousness in a similar way as to what you’re doing I like to use the analogy that we have a you know a dietary appetite that’s pretty you know it’s pretty fast and we don’t want to eat the same we wouldn’t want to eat the same thing for every meal we wouldn’t want to eat at the same restaurant every time we eat out and we wouldn’t want to starve ourselves either so this honoring of the lower half of our bodies as needing nourishment that’s very spontaneous diverse Adventures fulfilling and healthy that this is really important so you really giving some avenues for people to explore do you want to talk more about some of your favorite content there you’re some some highlights in addition to what you just provided Som one of the things that were really focusing on moving forward and tet 2017 is talking about a lot of Rights issues that kind of relate around sexuality it’s not just women bright spot and things like birth control and equal pay but I’m talking about LGBT rights rights of sex workers and people in the media rights for people to be able to access like a portion and contraception and positive education so I’m we definitely been really concerned with some of the changes that are happening in policy and want to keep getting a retard not only information about that but Avenues where they can get involved and where they can sell to make a change and right there as senators and work on a state level to access the rights that they are entitled to a lot of that work which I am really excited about in the upcoming year as a way for us to get more involved in our communities and aside from that really just relates to our mission of wanting to provide information and get women and then the help and resources that they need to have healthy sex lives and if our own country and our own government isn’t able to provide that kind of sex education you know we’re not getting a grade sex education from our schools and we’re not getting it from porn so there needs to be somewhere in between can learn about it and realize that it’s not what’s in the movies and it’s not you know just hidden under sheets in the dark and light on that as well awesome I totally agree with you and all of those things and it seems like would you would you describe yourself as how would you describe your personal sexuality if you had to choose you know any of the words that are out there non-monogamous or open or are or single or whatever it might be I’m just curious cameras relationship monogamy has never really felt like quite the right fit for me and polyamory and exploring that has definitely felt like the the better fish so I’m really excited to you at explorer that now who knows if it’ll be a good fit in 5 or 10 years but try not to think that far ahead and I’ve always been very interested in exploring different Dynamics and you know power exchanges and a different Kinks and you know always been really open to try what I’m interested in or what my partner’s interested in and sometimes I end up not liking any of it and like all right I tried it once and I don’t want to but I think that’s a really exciting piece of your sexuality is that you can try it or not try it and learn some more about what turns you on what turns you off and then incorporate that into your relationship I think we’re really kind of scared sometimes to go outside the box and try something new whether it’s a new toy or like the more I think even people are concerned kind of dive into tantric sex for fear of being maybe two connected to their bodies or their partners and it’s so exciting it’s like our body is this playground that we have the keys to and we got to do whatever we want with it and give everything to try and I feel like why it why not why not oh and if I don’t like that ride I don’t have to ride it again awesome yeah that is very refreshing perspective and it’s it’s a I feel like I’ve been studying this new shift in generations and I feel like the gender binaries are dissolving and the relationship and classical marriage constraints or are just dissolving almost organically without a big fight like it didn’t take having to go to a bloody civil war with the Bible Belt states to get people in the urban cone still have rights although a lot of people have fought and died and been incarcerated and then shamed and lost their jobs and had their children taken away and all kinds of battles have been fought for sexual freedom and rights across the spectrum of you know queer queerness and all them all women’s rights for it to their bodies and so we’re sort of standing on the backs of giants you know we we look at like our parents generations and see so many unhappy marriages and someone else’s relationship and we don’t want that for ourselves so and it’s great to be able to create your own structure and hopefully that the world will kind of start to evolve as well and Port all different types of configurations for a little more so you’re you’re living the dream life a lot of people there are projecting themselves out of their primary partnership relationship to have fantasies that maybe we’ll never be for sale because their religion says it can’t be or their family on one or both sides has that it would be so shameful and so devastating and and it’s it’s really this bubble of fear around losing your property or giving up having some something be threatened and there’s just this whole fear of jealousy and the fear of the collapse of family structure because of Scandal but can you talk about how people are are designing their own paradigms and living in their own playground and figuring out how do you know make finances and family and in the domestic sphere actually function with with more diverse sexual relationships happening is that you know a family I don’t have a house and berries location independent so I’m I’m really at you know I work for myself though I’m very privileged in that way and don’t have to think about you know if I work for a conservative company and you know it had children that could you know cause like problems in a divorce what would it mean to come out as poly or bisexual and I think that those are all incredibly valid fears and concerns I especially like professionally if it’s going to impact your career I don’t think it should be that way I don’t think it should be an impact in your career at all but unfortunately right now so that would be going through that would be to come out where you can and come out where it’s safe to come out and find your community like within your larger Community there’s always resources online where you can find like meetup.com most major cities have a polyamory Meetup Group reaching the other people like you and it doesn’t have to be like in your workspace or in your immediate family are with your immediate friends if you’re concerned with destroy a relationship you can kind of explore that in the safety of these communities people that are already interested and are going to be that kind of safe haven for you so I think it’s a wonderful life especially if you’re not sure if this is something for you to meet other people learn about their experiences and get that one-on-one advice without having to make an announcement in your personal life before you really decided if that’s what you want that is great advice you will be cool to see people I mean sometimes that your people joke about okay maybe we can have a threesome honey on your birthday you know and then it’s like okay that’s that’s that’s reasonable to think of the box I know there’s also this Festival I believe it’s in Southern India where it’s kind of like a weekend of anything goes among his consenting adults sexuality and and you just see people go there like it says this this is beautiful and then people and families go to support their family members getting their freak on upside down and backwards however they want for that time and then it sort of I don’t want to say get it out of their system but it allows for that expression to be contained and held by the culture in a non-destructive and you know it’s not in the shadow it’s it’s celebrated but people also have to go back to their mundane reality for the most part 4 like that all the time even though I love having multiple partners that explore my sexuality I still have to work like everybody else so yeah and I think that that is really an incredible text Florida and somebody has an inkling or a desire to express that it’s definitely worth exploring and not you know we’re pressing because I feel like that’s something that kind of hurt you over time like maybe for a little bit you can you know keep going and not think about it but kind of knobs that your minds like I wish I had tried that I’m starting to be able to you know try all these things if you are in a monogamous commitment the further and further you get into a monogamous. I think it’s worth exploring it as soon as you have a desire to redo a little research find out how you can dive in and take those baby stop towards getting it realized awesome so you studied you did women study so I’m hearing in sensing that you have a strong feminist foundation and I’m curious if you could talk about how that that training informed your work and sexuality and what to what are maybe some of the The Cutting Edge philosophies and critiques that are coming out of the women’s movement so yeah I’m in ISM has always been a big part of my life since I discovered that I was 7 is before I knew what I was telling us was studying it academically and professionally at was a big help to my own journey of just understanding why women are in the space that they are and why men are in the space that they are and how it’s affecting all of us so negatively men as well and that those some tools that we can use to make up make that better I think one of the biggest pool that we have is just our voices which is been a big part of flooding problems for me is using that voice to get a sex-positive feminist a message out there so it really does influence my work in every way and wanting to help women and specifically wanting to help him in avoid the shame and stigma that I have felt around exploring my sexuality and and to come to a more enlightened understanding place about it and I just sent a huge huge part of my journey and my medicine and my personal passion so you know despite what men’s rights blogs and conservative media want you to believe feminism is having a huge movement right now it is a huge 3rd and young women are joining a fight that’s been going on for so long and I think transforming it to be more inclusive with intersectional feminism for so long women’s issues have kind of focused on you know upper middle-class white women and their issues you know for instance when there was a big push for women to be able to work underprivileged women have had to work the whole time that the fight wasn’t about that it was about privilege women and I think we’re starting to look more at an intersectional feminism and how feminism can help everyone not just the elite and getting more perspectives into their taking marginalized voices and focusing the conversation around them in their struggle and finding solutions that work for everyone not just a few I think that’s the new frontier of feminism right on yes something that I feel is a new dimension as people become more accepting of sluttygirlproblems or they figure out I had to transcend them and overcome them it really comes back to classical feminist concept of Sisterhood being powerful and in really actually creating the Sacred Space in the safe space for the what the witches were burned for was having knowledge and power and wisdom and spiritual power autonomy and they were able to throughout many cultures not just be oh you’re not you know you’re here you’re a widow or your husband beat you so much that you ran away and then you’re forced into total degradation and total other ization within the culture and Annette would tend to be the place where actual reweaving of women’s empowerment would would happen because in the absence of that oppression and tyranny of the Patriarchs they would actually we know figure out how to to work together to carve out a survival and and actually thrive in I’m wondering if you’re seeing more of a potential for women who are kind of dropping out or or or running away or Breaking Free from patriarchal marriage systems and you know patriarchal Dynamics with the boss with their bosses you don’t actually finding that with more permission to have more diverse sexual experiences in gratification is basically the potential for women to United have solidarity and to please each other sexually so there’s less seduction into you know being in service to men who were abusing them does that answer without being a technology that we have now and all the resources available at our disposal has given us so much more knowledge than we once did I mean before all you had to go by was your family and your friends and your partner and now if you’re going through a bad situation or just have a desire that you want to explore you can identify it you can go online and you can come find a community of other people so friends and people that were like gay or bisexual and might not even know that other people feel this way and I just want to there’s something wrong with that now have the internet and communities where they can go and find so many other people and obviously now we know that so many people have all different sexualities and I think it gives us a great way to connect an explorer that and definitely and the feminist movement I think there’s a patriarchal culture tried to create competition among women rather than a community of women and feminism is making big strides to be more inclusive and eliminate competition and Foster you know where all voices are heard and all perspectives are valid and more space for discussion and understanding that’s awesome you I could do you want to talk about maybe some examples of some positive case studies or just observations of how women are starting to transcend that that competitive mindset as I know it’s really so it can be so toxic and damaging and can be even more Insidious in certain ways than just telling me that the men are pretty easy to just get them to to kind of be setting to satisfy them they’ll pass out the leave you alone but if if women are fighting with each other it can be a real nightmare you know it when when women are using their powerful wits to cut each other down and to attack each other so yeah I need hopeful inspiring Transcendence stuff around that would be great to hear were socialized to slap shame other women even when were women ourselves and I think it’s something that you know our writers talk about that and you know we baby walking on the street and see a woman who is expressing herself through her dress and her actions and you have this little piece in the back of your mind that’s like what a slut and you shouldn’t be thinking that but like you have to kind of be aware and catch yourself and you know I’m guilty of it as well on Sand Evolution process for me personally to be mindful of my own thoughts and be mindful of how I’m treating other women and thinking about other women and I think personally I’ve come a long way and once you start being mindful of your own thought you can work to address them but if you don’t even know that you’re thinking that are you think that your thoughts are valid and you have nowhere to start so I think it’s an individual Journey for each person and that the more knowledge and awareness you have around that and the more you can work to address that so now you know when I see a woman expressing her sexuality if I have a friend that’s like she’s such a slow whatever girl she is so empowered she is enjoying herself she is having the night of her life she can remember this night forever like she’s having a blast like we do not need to touch her at all like she could have just went through a breakup she could have never had a relationship in her life and just wants to live it up when it is not our place to judge or I make a comment on that so I think if you are the kind of person that goes through being a little silently judgemental be aware of that and wonder why why do I have these thoughts are they productive is it coming from a place of insecurity is it coming from a place of fear or not understanding and it’s hard work to do on yourself but I’ve work to do it on myself and retrain those negative messages and it just helps me look at the world in a better way where I can support other women and their choices and not feel like I have to cut them down to make myself feel like I’m you know somehow Superior so I don’t know if that’s like a pig case study but I think everybody individually is kind of their own their own case study of introspection and trying to change their own you know perspective and value system and how they interact with the world beautiful yeah absolutely and that’s where quintessential spiritual practice self-knowledge and hacking your own will hacking the thought stream that is really not made up of your essence in a lot of cases it’s really programs that have been placed there by the dominant cultures Machinery in on that note that it’s it it’s a daily battle because as you’re fully aware he can be two steps forward and five steps back because you look at a billboard that makes you you no question your skin are your body or whatever it’s just an ongoing daily battle really so I noticed that you were pretty deep into studying the just pop culture from celebrities to start analyzing music and movies so do you want to talk about are there any what should we be hopeful for what should we be worried about in in the pop mainstream kind of culture in trying for so long there’s a lot of independent documentaries that are getting more attention on Netflix and Mike on TV and on the internet at there’s just a lot more. Getting out there about adult work adult workers rights and that industry which is really exciting on because obviously likes a lot of sex work is still illegal and you know the majority of it if not illegal is highly frowned upon when I think sex work is you know something that you know if I’m going to be critical. We have to examine it but certainly not just wash it all as bad so I think that polyamory sex work are kind of starting to come into the spotlight a little bit more and got more media attention more thoughtful documentaries and really excited to see that moving forward and change and kind of public perspective of alternative sexualities and I think especially with the younger generation helping them understand different configuration more so I definitely think the media is moving away from more traditional representations and becoming more diverse in the type of content that we consume that’s good to hear cuz I’ve been like I said I feel like I’m living under a rock and part of it is that I’ve been I’ve been I’ve been in Retreat mode from the mainstream pop culture it really feels like it’s you know that from violence and videogames to just the derogatory use of women and in a lot of the the more mainstream pouring and all that it’s it’s a celebrity kind of never-ending pageantry and popularity contest of just more shallow and less spiritual Pursuits it’s it’s been a big turn-off for me but that but I I I have seen also this positive trade in the morning dependent me the other cure saying it’s it’s feeding back into the the mainstream and they’re going to see the if sex cells then why not expand our concept of what it is because it’s so much more of a bigger Marketplace when you serve the underserved Market places within sexuality so I’m curious if you have you this is I think this will be the the most Paradigm shattering phenomenon if there were more pop music Divas who are writing about writing songs about the lifestyles that you’re describing have you have you discovered anything like that that I should be aware of it we should know about does a fairly have though I think we do have some great model already like Beyonce Rihanna I think are incredible models of kind of empowered sexuality and music I hopefully will see a lot more of it definitely I think the music industry it’s a lot harder to be an independent voice than this is I like wheat we have outlets for you know like journalism and for documentaries that are independent to kind of get out there but you know it’s a long way to go I think before it’s and mainstream movies and entertainment but to be honest I’m a bit and Retreat to from it I really turn into very mainstream I try to keep my media consumption two more empowering sources and interesting that you mentioned mainstream foreign as well because there’s a big movement now towards feminist porn and it’s not necessarily what it sounds like I think a lot of people when they hear feminist Forum think that it’s going to be like a romance novel but and I’m that the mission of feminist Warren is to have a show like active consent in the moment so a lot of hornets they just kind of like get to it and nobody talks about it and everything is on the table and it sets up the false expectation that when you have sex it’s like anything goes just do whatever and everything is going to be pleasurable in the woman is going to love it and you don’t even have to ask but I’m coming this morning showing like hey does it feel good like can I keep going like can I put it in your application of lube or like somebody being like that doesn’t feel quite right let’s change positions and I mean it doesn’t it’s not that I’m sexy and I’m still into like the normal sexuality like it’s still hot and when we do it in our own lives it’s still hot and in fact talking about it and what’s not makes it even better and those on this point it’s kind of restructuring that. Framework of how we view sex to make it a little bit more realistic and have a more realistic expectation of what to expect in socks without losing that hot sexy I can get a thing that so many people love about traditional mainstream porn estate in sentiment I’m in the world of transforming that Paradigm and came up for me which is a kind of classic feminist term about entitlement and it’s it’s a what porn is take porn is like entitlement on steroids if you think about what a man is trained to believe about that that narrative that that that unspoken Narrative of the mainstream porn kind of experience which is that a woman is just thrilled to be to be splayed out and to be used as like a rag doll for the Mills pleasure and just the idea of having that much attention from a dude is enough for her to just shut up and take it and that’s the thrill and that’s the right but really the reality is nobody even if you want to be humiliated they’re still negotiation and has to happen for that to be safe so earlier conversation and it’s no fun if a conversation is one-sided I guess you have this is this some kind of feel like this is a shopping spree or something I’m there so much background in so I guess something that that’s coming up that feels like it would be useful to two addresses just the inner dialogue around when you are in moments of intimacy with more than one person and you have there’s different Dynamics within that do you have some tips and strategies for helping both internally helping or figuring out how to kind of navigate in and not silence the voices of of jealousy or insecurity but actually you know massage them dance with them let them be Express somehow you know and and also to to Foster those skill sets in other people who are just beginning to integrate into that because that’s really another Frontiers how to get I think most people do fantasize about some form of group sex but the barrier to entry is their own what’s going on internally so wondering if you have good advice for all that are like for their birthday I actually a while I love the idea and spirit actually thinking practice and it doesn’t always work because you need to really talk about what you want out of it and what you don’t want out of it while you’re come you’re not and setting those boundaries of all of the partners in advance to make sure that it’s a happy experience for for everyone so for instance and like let’s say you had a male female female threesome I think that a lot of people try to you might want it to be all about the guy and just both girls kind of worshipping the guy or maybe it’s more about the two girls connecting with each other and I’m having exploring. Connection while the guy is kind of just more of an additional partner that’s there to support the setting up what you want that Dynamic to look like in advance and also let’s say you have a monogamous male female couple that wants to have a threesome with another female determine what do you feel comfortable with both Partners doing I think a lot of people think if you’re jumping into a group sex or three sons a couple swapping that everything just have to be on the table and end it doesn’t you can say you know that this is our first threesome and I’m okay with you no touching and making out and fingering and eating our hands a pleasure each other but you know let’s save penetration an oral sex until later when we’re more comfortable and just kind of have this amazing experience where you’re just rolling around with another person exploring your bodies and touching and enjoying each other and other ways and move up to those steps that feel a little bit more jealousy and juicing and a little bit more difficult because it is definitely hard to see your partner have sex with somebody else at first but it’s not something that you just want to dive into without talking about it and and I think it’s great to take those baby stats and especially when it comes to gel communication is just so important and reminding yourself and your partner how important you are to each other and that exploring somebody new doesn’t mean that there was something missing or wrong with you and that’s a big part of polyamory for me is I know who I am as a person my personality is actually and I’m very bold and open and express myself and my partners are never going to have someone with me that’s kind of like shy and passive and you know a little bit more demure and that kind of koi sexy I’m like your face kind of sexy tell myself like you know I want them to have that experience I want them to enjoy other other people other connections other types of interactions that I know that I can’t provide and it doesn’t mean that what I provided is invalid or wrong or not enough it’s I can’t be everything at once and in a way having that polyamorous connection is kind of a relief because I don’t have to worry about are they unhappy with me and my personality because they can’t get everything because they think they can go out and get everything with multiple people and it kind of takes the pressure off for you to be at your partner’s everything thank you so much for saying that yeah the the rewards outweigh the risks when done right for sure and it’s yeah it’s such a beautiful time to be exploring all this cuz like you said there’s three welders sluttygirlproblems. Com where you can get some Advanced Training and let you know something that came up while you’re speaking is just the idea that if you wanted to be doing Advanced martial arts techniques you would need to go through a system where you’re going to be initiated into higher levels and you can an easy example is karate going from a white belt to a black belt and what you’re talking about these you know getting to that point where there is more intense exit penetration in in in sharing it a more intimate and deeper level it would make sense to burn your way up to those Advanced stages by having gone through some pretty metered out process and something else that comes up is it to ask you about do you see that people are building the skill sets that they’re less dependent on getting shit-faced drunk to have liquid courage and beer goggles to have any fun and definitely I mean alcohol is a biggest way to kind of let go of inhibitions and quiet that voice that’s telling us that what we’re doing isn’t okay and you know it really tells us you know everything’s okay do whatever you want to rely on alcohol and definitely sucks is a lot more enjoyable when you can remember it after 2 support developing good boundaries not dissolving them with alcohol and then that’s another important Point why would you spend why would you go on vacation if you weren’t going to have any souvenirs if remembering it at all so it’s just wonderful so you know I’m deep in the the Tantra world where sometimes it goes to the extreme and people are I guess you could say well there’s a form of spiritual slut-shaming on in the world warriors were people are supposed to be exploring and opening up and incorporating the sexual energy into your spiritual practices there can be at another form of another layer of shaming people around being too sexy or to Abundant or whatever and end that’s a whole nother conversation book but 2 to bring it into a question for you I’m just curious what you were observing as far as peoples spiritual practice around sexuality with or without any words or Traditions attached to it but just for example I would say that whatever tradition you come from spiritually or whether you’re in a religious practice or and you have your own speaker practice that the common denominator that works well from my perspective and I’m curious to see if you would agree is that if you have a let’s say a relationship loving relationship with nature or the true gardening or hiking or meditating out and in nature and you have some connection to what you feel is the Divine loving energy of the cosmos however you name it then you were less dependent and needy and you’re less of a vampire to get the energy from one relationship partner who you think owes you the world and you’ll kill yourself if they betray You by having fun with anybody else like that’s kind of the curse that were in and so I’m wondering if you were yeah what are you what are you seeing is positive spiritual you know so I think that’s really important and that’s so interesting that you feel like an energy vampire because I feel like a lot of people do treat their partners that way that we expect our partners to be everything and everyone and you know there are Confidant there the person we hang out with their the person we go to on your side and it’s great to have all those things but it’s also really important to maintain your interest your hobbies your friendships your connections with other practices that you have whether it’s Hobbies Are Spiritual practices or simply connecting with yourself and I definitely feel like you not that were we aren’t all like whole all the time with ourselves like not happy with myself and you know it looking for that extra support but in general I think we need to be aware of it and ourselves for getting our needs Matt not expecting everybody else to get the mess for us which I think is also a big part of you know Polly for me is expressing myself and not expecting people to read my mind for what I want because it’s just not possible when you have multiple partners to expect him to read your mind giving with one partner that’s such an unrealistic expectation I think spiritually to if you’re in a spiritual practice I believe that you know your sexuality is just as much a part of you and ingrained in you as your personality and your spirituality so it’s definitely all connected and I’m bringing that Dynamic and being able to match them and is so powerful it’s not something I’m very good at all I want to learn more about and experience because I think it’s incredibly enlightening piece of sexuality for so many people to be able to channel and something greater than ourselves and that moment so let’s books more fucking yeah I let the let the new scriptures be written from the peaks of ecstasy in the bedroom what is God look like while you’re having an orgasm I feel like I know what that looks like but I want to hear what other people feel like I said I’ll have you know you say oh God oh God when you’re coming and all that but there’s a lot of brain research that says that you’re the same spiritual molecules are being released during Peak spiritual experiences by train meditators in caves who are celibate Masters in Same Love Making chemical so do a do you have what it what are some of your most ecstatic experiences if you care to share so actually I think I’ve only started to explore that very recently I think I previously in a big part of bloody girl problems for me was kind of this like anonymous Saks like one night stand hookup culture like drunken college thing and you know I’m moving past that in my life now and exploring new Dynamic so having this kind of connected experience of socks where it’s like it’s mind-body relationship connection is very very new for me and honestly has been and I’m a little bit scary to dive into because you’re so used to having this like purely physical experience and then you start to match that with like you’re at your loving tender emotions and it’s going to be more present in the moment and try to use the focus so much on just the physical sensation of sex which I think is definitely important but reminding myself like oh there’s a partner that is like doing this with me right now and like looking at them and reminding myself that like all I really like this person and like they like they’re having pleasure too and I’m trying to kind of get that connection more out of it so I think I think I have a lot of learning to do from from you and your podcast and I Tantra teachers to connect with that more it’s still a part of myself that needs a lot of work but I will add there’s plenty of there’s plenty of time for guy problems on my podcast so she could and it’s a lot of the same stuff just helping helping people and be present and be conscious and NB open to expanded Consciousness and really to bring your bring the issues in your personal life and relationships into the lovemaking ritual to literally incinerate them and sort of pressure cook them so that you can experience just pure Divine Bliss and once you start to attain that nectar of sexual spiritual enlightenment and you just want to go and write you start to think in love poetry in the people that you were criticizing you know in the end in the line at the the coffee shop becomes instead of criticizing people for what they’re wearing you you actually want to compliment them about it because you’re so full with joy that you can’t hold it in and I think that just you know whether or not you have a a guru who teaches you to repeat mantras thousands of times or you just sort of reverse engineer your own Bliss a lot of people are are are finding this it’s not necessary to to have really strict and rigorous expensive training but actually to Jimmy it is kind of what what do you have to get trained to do and most time trick Traditions is is actually shed the baggage of the culture which is like piling on all of these distractions and all of this sort of plaque in your mind that blocks out your the connection to Bliss that you had intrinsically before it was sort of beating out of you by the culture so you know ya all roads lead to the Ecstasy when you let him so cool will thank you again so much for your time I feel really just engorged with hope and in my heart is is just yeah it’s expanding to get to know that you’re really providing these great resources for people and then do you want to say some final words and closing and and also again plug the website and also your social media if you know all that good stuff and I’m so inspired to learn more about Tantra and you know it develop my journey I think we’re all on a journey so the more resources out there the better I so interested people are interested in checking out the resources on my site and he can find us at sluttygirlproblems. Com we’re also all over social media are Twitter and Instagram is bloody GRL Probz schroth on Tumblr and and within 2017 possibly launching a podcast or YouTube channel we’re still kind of working on that exploring how to do that so we can keep up-to-date on our website and I sign up for email list to get our weekly update and we share all of our best posts there so that we would love to have you I said all right well thank you so much have a wonderful day and we’ll be in touch take care. Country Park. Com can cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition to see me and improving the podcast your donations will help establish permaculture goddess time for supper by Tycho logical employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email band at Tantra Punk. Com Thomas Day