Tag Archives: sex blogging

Overcoming Shame and Opening Up with Sex Blogger Zoe K TPP162

Play

Zoe K Pic

In this episode I’m joined by an deeply intriguing and empowering sex blogger Zoe K. She provides a very insightful glimpse into the lifestyle of an open relating, shame-free sex positive web-enabled literary voice of liberation.

Please visit her blog at:
https://sexismynewhobby.wordpress.com/about/

About Zoe:
By day, I’m a professional with an office-type job and academic leanings. Outside office hours, I’m a belly dance instructor, a sex/relationship blogger, and occasional creative. I’m also happily married.

I had a number of challenges that came to a crisis point in early 2014 and spurred an intense period of personal growth. It was during this time that I serendipitously had an epiphany that then largely freed me from the sexual shame that I’d always struggled with. It was out of the recognition that my sex life was at a crossroads that my blog was born and I began what I believe to be the first authentic exploration of my sexual and sensual self.

At first, I expected that I’d simply write about my new adventures, which I’d conceived of (as it turns out) in fairly narrow terms. My topics have since expanded to include things that I might have been able to predict (e.g. BDSM), those that I hadn’t thought to write about (feminism, mental health, fiction, reviews), and those I didn’t even know about (ethical non-monogamy).

Inspired by another blogger, I also started my nude self-portrait project when I started blogging. I couldn’t have articulated my reasons for this project at the outset, and then I was pleased to discover after the fact that it had had a positive effect on my body image.

AI Generated Transcription:
(Want to help with corrections? Please contact me to learn about rewards for your efforts!)

Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin podcast episode number 162 I am being joined by Zooey K who is a prominent and celebrated sex blogger and about a year or so ago now I had I was doing a campaign to really reach out and Branch out beyond the world of Tantra and get more into the world of sex Educators and sex bloggers in all different varieties of people kind of pushing the edges of expression and sexual Liberation healing and what not and PK was at one of the people who did respond to me however we had kind of a I guess you can call it an email tag over a game of email tech for a while and it’s just better late than never were finally catching up and coming full circle to this interview so thank you so E4 for hanging in there and being persistent and I’m glad we got to get this arranged and I’m excited to learn about what you do as a sex blogger and I just actually was catching up a bit and I definitely want to applaud you for your stating that you would prefer to review products that have a sustainable and recyclable to call you to them so I’m very interested in your ecological ethics and maybe we can get into that later but just start off with do you want to talk about please how are you kind of evolved is it a sexual literary being sure will. Thanks for inviting me first of all yeah so I’ve been blogging now for a few years I started around Christmas time 2014 and I had come to that weight because I reached a point where I felt like my life is about to change or is in the middle of a change that’s going on in terms of my sexuality and sexual expression and not much had happened in the lead up to that point I felt like I was really at the beginning of something the reason why I had that feeling was because I had to experience what I referred to as my Epiphany and I have realized that a lot of the difficulty that I had had to throw my life up until that point in terms of sexuality was in relation to sexual shame beyond that the sexual shame that I was experiencing was not actually something that serve came out of my own life it wasn’t my own experience this was something that I had inherited I think primarily from my mother and her experiences with she had never spoken about and yet or attitudes toward sexuality and especially you know what that means being a woman and being sexual or not I can still pick that up without that ever being sort of explicitly stated so so yeah I was in a difficult situation in terms of where I was at just start if I guess in life generally I looking back I was probably depressed at that time and that had to do with a lot of difficulties relating to conflict that was both work and family related because I was working with family members and so there was sort of No Escape from that and and also you know where I might ordinarily safe to go for support or the difficulties that I was having like I didn’t have those those supports and so so that had spurred some serious introspection like even more than I usually do which is a considerable considerable amount and yeah a lot of personal gross and I was just sort of consuming everything I could to learn more about myself to learn more about the situation that I was in with that conflict on one hand and on the other hand with that depression that I I believe I was going through I had lost interest in a lot of things and I knew I I remember it having been interested in things but I couldn’t really remember what they were or or the things that I remember being interested in just didn’t grab my interest anymore and so I was sort of looking around for first things to have some sort of two to rekindle some interest or find something just to get to give it a sense of I don’t know interest in life I guess and and what caught my eye was I guess it was sex in a nutshell I don’t remember specifically what book it was it may have been Nancy Friday’s booked my secret garden about women’s fantasies and it was a bit of a Lifeline like okay this is something I’m interested in it’s the only thing that I seem to be interested in right now I need to explore that because I need to have some sort of Interest other than just getting through the day and end. So that sort of led to me educating myself some more and job and with the personal girls and the sexual gross that I was doing at the time just came came around to this sort of serendipitous discovery about that sexual shame that I’ve mentioned before and so yeah I had this discovery about myself and and I was right that you know everything sort of changed after that that’s that’s that’s basically my my backstory cool well that’s something I think a lot of people from the last several will ever until probably this last maybe one or two generations but maybe this the most recent generation seems to be the most gender non-binary gender fluid poly and I’ve never seen so much liberated Sexual Energy to do that just kind of Epsom and flows according to its own vicissitudes if its own nature and its really heartwarming to see that and I know it took the the sufferings of people like you and myself and many others to have to create a contact is more open and accepting so I feel like we’re sort of the if we survive or not Martyrs I guess but we’re definitely we need to have some statues made for the end of the people who have been the sexual Liberation Warriors in and what not so if you could so thank you for being a part of that data processing do you want to talk a little bit more about just some of the sort of mental architecture of shame that could be very personal or could just be Broad and in general but I think it’s it’s sometimes it feels like it’s it’s so obvious now you just point to certain religious Tendencies and what not but I feel like it’s good to to Really identify and if you get if you’d like to talk more about what that shame is felt like I had felt like and what what kind of thought patterns and Lube send reactions were you kind of stuck in because of it you mentioned about you know this generation and and the changes that we’re you know what’s happening at Leading Edge that Frontline and I have a feeling like I’m not just feeling my own issues I have to do sort of you know exploration into my own personal history and you know where do I come from how was I brought up what were my parents like when I was young and you know he’s attitude performing in the first place and so as I get curious about about myself and my roots you know. That takes me back to the Next Generation and I’m looking at okay well what happened in my parents lives that that created those issues for them and you know because your parents can only give you the gifts that they have themselves than you know it said it’s a challenge and and so I know that there are difficulties came from so then I’m looking for the what was it like for my grandparents how did these these problems start out and get passed down to me and so you know yeah in in healing myself I’m I’m I’m healing my own, as well as this trauma that I’ve that I’ve inherited for me personally I was raised atheist so I don’t have any specific you know religious issues aren’t you no issues coming out of religious teachings or anything but that said I mean I certainly grew up and and in this culture which is very Christian Protestant and so has come through you know in society without necessarily being taught by your parents so you know I didn’t I didn’t have that particular set of issues to deal with so you know perhaps my my journey is a little bit more idiosyncratic in that way I know that that you know my mom had experienced some abuse when she was a child and I really don’t know any more than that but there’s there’s some sort of TVs diode in terms of what what my experience is and what it looks like and what it feels like and and where those problems might have come from assertive you know made some educated guesses along with you know some of the reading that I’ve done on on various topics so it’s it’s all very much a work-in-progress and you know in terms of in terms of the shame of what I had believed up until that point up until the Epiphany was just you know you’re generally that sex was bad somehow it was difficult to you know much more of a label on it but now I did find myself sort of leaning on Christian definitions of you know sin and virtue because that seemed to be relevant somehow although I couldn’t really connect it directly to my own life but you know that this basic premise that sex is I think I think a lot of Christian doctrine teaches that sex is inherently sinful unless you’re married and and Mary just said the only way out to make it less bad you know some groups are are more sex-positive than that but I think you know that’s some as a non-Christian speaking about about Christianity that’s my impression of it and so you know here I am in a long-term relationship and I’m married and that didn’t magically make anything better so obviously the the roots of that if she went went deeper than just those sort of definitions I just seen the I have I did I was not raised in a strict religious environment myself either but I definitely picked up the memes they sort of spread whether or not you were going to church or not the kind of you know it spread everywhere and it’s interesting I’m really curious how you have explored or interacted with just the yeah the notion that to keep people especially women sexuality very limited and very finite kind of some people say put in a box it just sort of its sit facilitates and Industrial Paradigm of a world where were if we were to be freely exploring our pleasure and freely relating with others then we probably wouldn’t feel as compelled to go punch a clock and sit in a cubicle and work in a factory assembly line and that’s it that’s it there seems to be a very even they call it the Protestant work ethic and in these things were there sits where I’m at with all this stuff is it it’s it’s the moralistic sin kind of that whole Boogeyman story or that whole sort of wizard behind the man behind the curtain Wizard of Oz story it really is kind of the fronts for a more Insidious I don’t want to call it conspiracy theory but it seems like historical fact if you lose if you just look at how sexuality has been has been limited it seems to be kind of in lockstep with industrial so-called progress I’m just curious if that’s any thoughts of you explore your blogger that you know sporting in communication or just what you might your what will be a working theory on your part of why that shame really has been so institutionalized across atheist den and religious sectors of society as I mentioned earlier and that’s as you mentioned as well that you just because you’re raised in a particular way in your family of origin doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t get ideas creeping in from the larger culture and I definitely see that a lot I don’t see that that particular phenomenon as being necessarily the major except the issues that I’ve dealt with personally but that said I mean I do you know why I read about this stuff and I I think about it and I like to know where things come from and that’s part of the reason why I’m so interested in my personal history I I like to know okay why is why is this thing the way it is and there’s definitely controlling sexuality is really powerful it’s you know it’s it just it effects how how people behave and how they think and there’s this self-monitoring that happens to self-policing there’s policing by others in the group and and you see that with women in this culture in particular that women sexuality is governed much more strictly than men sexuality is women also policing at so you know such a many things like that where you know there’s you know whether that’s a massage me is the best term for that and and I I see a connection with with agriculture I guess I’m looking maybe a little bit earlier in history that you know you get Agriculture and you get land ownership you have ownership of of abandoned objects it’s you know I wasn’t really so important when you’ve got people in a forging lifestyle so then when you have when you’ve got property you’ve got concerns about inheritance and descent and if you thought the property that is vested in men rather than women then you’ve got this issue of well okay so whose kid is who’s going to get the stuff you know she’s got a lineal culture you always know who the mother is so you don’t have those same issues arising about his property to send so so that’s that’s a connection that I see yes thank you so much for bringing that up that’s that’s so important to deconstruct these things in and really I’ve been I was an anarcho primitivism even back in my college days and was really just looking at all forms of Oppression coming from the so-called Neolithic Revolution and just well if in from Eco feminist perspective the thesis is basically women animals and nature has been oppressed for five to ten thousand years as city states and empires have grown to control more more resources and build military is in that hole that anthropologically it’s very it’s kind of like a textbook 101 the first paragraph We Know It says things like agriculture there was an essay like to go to the worst mistake Humanity ever made like I can’t remember who and Marvin Harrison Jarrett at one of the one of the Anthropologist it was looking at this stuff over the last few decades and so that you had that connecting that fuses with where all the sexual shame and and sort of sexual marriage the the origins of that more limited forms of that yes this is very very interesting conversation that I’m I’m excited to have and I feel like it needs to be explored much more often so have you done that unitive awareness that you just expressed how did you come to discover that did you hit the anthropology books or did you read maybe 6 at Don or have you just through conversation how did you arrive at that that groundbreaking thesis that Don that I got that from and that was something that just made a lot of sense to me it’s something that I would like to learn more about because I know you know one book is not the be-all-and-end-all list of research so I got seems like a really interesting entry point to it but you know and that was sounds like you’ve read that book and if any of the listeners are familiar with it that that it’s there’s quite a lot of assertive prologue setting the scene and in that book where they talking about you know what it was what it was like and serve earlier human history in order to find out what is normal or what is natural and and so it was I found that very interesting and quite persuasive and and the and also interesting to see if you know where they went Ian. In terms of okay so if if sex isn’t it’s not from the things that we usually say that it’s for you know that it’s not strictly for procreation then what is it for and and what are we doing and how do we know that we’re at we’re doing things in the way that is most positive and beneficial right now how would you say you then your experience of state-sponsored or state-sanctioned sexuality education what was your experience of that like cuz I think a lot of those types that will also take Justin with when people become sexually desirous then you’re pretty much capped and frustrated through all of your teams and then you’re only really loud like you said to be to have less sinful sex under the within within marriage and stuff so yeah what was your experience besides what came of the shame come in your family what is you feel like in the the government regulated sort of sexuality education experience well it certainly didn’t help anything you know my my sex education experience was not awful I don’t think that I was told anything that was outright lies or his you know incorrect but it was very much a focus on you know pregnancy and how to avoid getting pregnant how to avoid getting STIs and you know very much the how do I get an AIDs that was a big scare and and so it didn’t it didn’t do me any good in terms of you learning anything positive or you know getting any kind of inputs that that was any different from what I had already shot so you know you’re talkin about truth is feeling repression you know from from outside and yet I most of my refresh and I think was internal because I had absorbed it so young and so I was I would sell for pressing you very early on and and so I don’t think that the you-know-who public sex education units made things any worse in that respect because the damage was already done earlier than well okay so then you won’t talk about how as you kind of came out of your shell and had these epiphanies and were able to are discover your own your own source of sexual freedom and power that you yeah what’s it been like what what do you what will people be finding on your blog and what have you been kind of gravitating towards as far as the content that you should write about in the personal narratives and what not to eat here well I guess probably the single biggest project on the blog is the nude self-portraits that I’ve been doing and that’s that’s only a project in retrospect that was something that I served I started into I was inspired by another blogger and I didn’t know why I was doing it it didn’t make a lot of sense to put new photos of myself on the internet I had had specific advice from my family not to do that which was really odd it was in a really strange contacts but so so it wasn’t you know I thought about it as much as I could and in rational terms and I couldn’t figure out what it was that I know why I felt driven to do that but I knew that I did feel a Colt to do that and so I just I went ahead and did it after doing sir to my due diligence to make sure that I wasn’t going to I wasn’t you know opening myself up to you know an unreasonable amount of risk and and then you know so I went went through that and on the other side I feel like I got connected with a couple of body positive memes and not that I think was a really huge part of it that Not only was I taking these photos and learning to see myself in a kind way that also that if I ever had feedback from from any readers of the blog it was pretty much uniformly positive feedback and so I I got you no different perspective on on my body and my appearance that was enough being positive was not something that I was ever used to having had before and and so yeah so it ended up turning into this body positivity in a positive body image project that I hadn’t intended I had no idea but that’s what that’s what it turned out to be so that was that’s that’s a major element of the blog aside from that it’s more yesterday was just exploring that the things that that seem to catch my attention one thing that I do find is that you know my desired tends to remain fairly low and I think I have a significant amount of that has to do with depression and and the antidepressant said I’ve been on fortunately no longer depressed and no longer on my medication for that but that’s still having an effect and and so I’m exploring and and looking for signs of interests one of the things that I have often thought about is asking myself the question what do I like and what do I want to seem like very basic questions and they are but it’s those are questions that I have always struggled to answer and and someone doing better at that now you know I keep asking myself the questions I keep you know trying to experience things and say okay well you know do I enjoy this does this touch my attention having tried it do I still like it do I want more of that do I want Les do I want something else to be different do I want something that’s related to that and so it’s some it’s this project of exploration and also I guess another thing that that you’ll find a bit on the blog is some discussion about ethical non-monogamy and specifically polyamory through the block I ended up meeting somebody who has since become my partner in addition to my husband so I can whisper for many many years and so so that relationship is long distance like very very long distance where about I think that’s the traveling time is something like 24 hours from from door to door so we don’t get to see each other very often but you know how do we negotiate an emotional relationship how do we negotiate a physical relationship and antiserum integrating that into my life because I really do not have a template for for that sort of relationship okay well so well thank you for sharing all that so do you are you functionally polyamorous now that you’re married or do you how do you count how have you all if you care to share just I’m sure you said it’s on your blog as well but what year what you were sort of fan inside sorry about reconciling and reconfiguring if if your if your kind of trying to go that route or place that path if you will right well I did something that you’re not supposed to do with polyamory which is you know how have the beginnings of a relationship and and then I asked my my husband and you know about the possibility of opening up I know that the way you’re supposed to do it is to have discussion before there’s you know anyone waiting in the wings so you can have rational discussions as much as it’s possible to get to be rational about something that can be so emotional but I don’t know that I would have done it any other way even even knowing that that is sort of Hino best practice because my husband is very very introverted he’s you know I’m I’m his only major relationship things ever had in his life we’ve been together for half of our Lives you know so this is a very well-established very long-term relationship he he would not be looking for anybody else and I didn’t expect to be an actually didn’t even start out that way for me what happened was I had discovered this person who’s also a blogger as it happened and and I started reading his blog and it caught my attention and it wasn’t so much the things that he was writing about you know the details that he was writing about it although it was more the the reading between the lines about his politics and you know I’ll call him a feminist I don’t know if he would claim the term 7 is because he’s you know he’s he knows enough about that sit to not go away cleaning the term for himself too readily so you know we share a lot of DeSoto a lot of interest a lot of attitudes you know the sorts of things that are important to me and so what happened was I read his blog from start to finish and at that point it was I think it was three years worth of almost Daily Post so there was a lot of material but yeah if you want to get yeah yeah yeah and it was because I didn’t know it was what it was going to look like but I I knew that I wanted to know him as a person and and I you know if you would ask me at the time I would have said you know I have no idea you know my mind certainly no definitely went in certain directions of x given another the nature of of his blog and that he was writing it sex is well so I can’t say that that thought didn’t cross my mind but it was more that I was I identify this person as sort of my people and I knew that I wanted to have some kind of a connection and I didn’t know what it was going to look like but I was open to just seeing what happened you know like the worst that could happen is I could say you know hey I read your blog I enjoy that and you know I’d like to get to know you better and you know he would say not interested or not even respond so you know they’re there wasn’t much investment I would have been disappointed but you know would have been a big deal and I so I couldn’t have predicted at that time you know when things are starting out what direction this is going to go buy it I I always try to let it just be what it was going to be and and so that it was it was a discovery for me to just find out you know what that relationship is going to look like my student so you now they these two fellows are aware of each other and they you coordinate the sort of dynamics of balancing the tension in the energy flows and all that stuff is at am I understanding correctly or something but they have met in person and and yeah they’re both very aware of each other so you know in my sort of everyday routine I’ve got looks like a phone appointment at we talk on FaceTime dots that happens twice a week and we’ve been doing that now for 00 couple of years anyway I guess it’s getting almost two to three years since we last it’s been over three years since we first spoke and it’s it’s almost three years that we got into that routine of talking you know on a regular you know like weekly or semi-weekly basis of the day-to-day routine and I’m in touch with him often throughout the day by text although there’s there’s quite a time difference so we have to Wrangle with the unit being in different time zones as well and then occasionally you know when I’m able to I I travel to visit him and you know my husband is at home minding the fort and and I have you had a couple of vacations with with my partner and and so that’s that’s how it looks for us well it’s cool so did this is your living the dream with the flow and and you know this is really moving towards what I feel this the did the most stem well I guess it the next level you have getting Beyond once you’re less shameful about sex in general then part of coming out of the closet as somebody who has desire you know I think most of us most of us are still in the closet about having desires that don’t match the the framework that were eliminated by and so the people who there’s huge risks and consequences specially for families and you know you can have your kids taken away if people feel like you’re in some sort of unconventional Arrangement and whatnot so yeah I’ve heard so I guess I’m just any anytime I I hear of a harmonious kind of stable ongoing success story that that’s always music to my ears and I’m always curious just some of the things are working to that so it is one of the things that I’ll mention about that is that my my husband and I have such a good relationship like it’s it’s always been good and you know from the beginning and I know you hear like relationships take work and and that sort of thing and it it never felt like work for us like we do know is that was I think that was good luck on our parts that that we’re such a good match you know around that time you know things when I had met you know the person who became my partner there was also other stuff going on my husband was living overseas working on a eye doctor at the time so you know we were apart and I was very difficult for both of us she also was having some health difficulties at the time so it ended up being a very very stressful. And and that was when the work came in and and you know did take work on the relationship but you know we’re just we’ve always been on each other’s team and you know knowing that that was as reliable as anything can be in life you know made made the rest of it possible I wouldn’t have tried it if you know if we were on Shaky Ground that would not have worked to introduce another person into the equation you know so a lot of it goes to the strength of that relationship with my husband and it’s interesting because you know I’m sort of how we’ve negotiated what’s okay and what isn’t over those few years has changed a little bit but assertive you know the sky didn’t fall and everything is fine and you know this other relationship and I have is is good for me I got a lot of emotional support from from my partner my other partner as well and Jab so it’s just you know it’s easier to build on the success and and I think that my relationship with my husband is now stronger than it ever has been before because we’ve also had you know some challenges and you know that we tested the relationship in a in a very sturdy safe and cautious way for us and and just came out stronger after all of that read between the lines here and there’s a lot of I’m picking up on a lot of really I really positive and healthy and constructive language and things that I just want to turn into a little bit and yeah yeah I’m just I’m just thrilled to hear about this stuff is really except it’s always so exciting to get to get behind-the-scenes if this different working so we know when you said use the word equation and I I think about I kind of got it a giggle out of that because I feel so much of this he know that it is much as we feel like an emotional left brain kind of even childish Tendencies can’t really be rationally computador really can’t be like you can’t you can’t really apply mathematical theories counting metrics to these sorts of supposed to be immeasurable things but I feel like we need it went when I look at it this kind of stuff mathematically it really comes down to how do you how do you distribute the the another kind of logical framework is that I’ve heard it said by wise folks so I look up to in the same similar conversation is like your love is infinite and people who are more naive and their goals and aspirations with polyamory or open relating another kind of naively just sort of prance around feeling that love is infinite so anything goes and we should just be free and do all this but then what isn’t infinite as of yet his is time so you have to be have discretion you have to be able to to really be a good Steward of your time and energy to share with other people and to kind of negotiate the distribution of that infinite love but then how it’s limited by time and space so you have to because it is an equation it is and so to get that to get it to function properly wear two different people have different needs at different times and so it just sit it requires more time it really requires a lot of fun Eng sort of sortino’s things out you can’t even just kind of winging it are you can even speak in just kind of broad terms but have you have you been able to sort of have those conversations in and get to mutual agreements where you’re having the kind of cycles of regular maintenance of certain agreements happening so that everybody feels included and I’m bored and you know all that good stuff just sort of a handbook you know you had a design it a handbook for operating manual for the three of you and you know it analytical person and you know I mean I tend to intellectualize things and that’s that’s my usual approach you know these days I’m I’m working more from my garden and tuning into my gut because that’s something that I realized that I hadn’t been taught and so I was needing to to teach myself how to do that but no I don’t I don’t have a handbook or anything in terms of I guess the bottom line with with these relationships is that you know I’m here in my husband is here and my partner is there and it has always been like that there’s always been that you know almost insurmountable distance and so about is you know while that’s really not fun that’s it’s normal for us and you know you serve work around as you can it takes time and and you know because we’re so far apart it takes money which is not necessarily a concern in the same way as if you were in the same city with all of your partners so you know it’s like there’s practical considerations and you know I have to figure out okay well you know when am I busy with work such that I wouldn’t be able to you know take off on a on a vacation for a few weeks and is so you know that should be kind of frustrating I visited my partner we went on a trip to Europe together and that was in March and April of this year we were traveling together for about three weeks and at this point it’s looking like we’re not going to see each other again until maybe February of next year so you know that’s that’s really less-than-ideal but you know we still have our our regular calls twice a week you know you talking about energy and time not being infinite and you know that’s that’s definitely a factor that I can see up play with myself and my husband my husband doesn’t have the mental energy for anybody else in his life and I’m sorry integral to his life is so there’s there’s only so long I I can be away before it starts to cause my husband problems and for me you know I I guess I’ve got room for for one more because you know like one plus one has where I’m at right now I’m not looking for anybody else because you know this is a lot of emotional investment and and energy and I I tend to go deep rather than broad so I have a few friends rather than a bunch of acquaintances and not to say that it would be impossible but I I struggle to see how how that you know how I could add anybody else into my life in that way and so I’m not looking but sad but I want to have more people in my life that are just you know my people I have the feeling that you know I have always felt like an outsider and I have never had many close friends at any given time and so now I’m sort of looking for that. Reaction you know that I really connect with this person and so I’m you know when I identified that I’m going to work to have that person in my life but you know maybe as a close friend or something I’m not necessarily in inside of a romantic or sexual way this is great stuff too because another another man just kind of seeing a future where where this lifestyle is it’s not even considered an alternative is not considered French it’s just that if if we feel like we’re at a time now where we still is as if it was just barely the beginning of a civil rights movement and people were pretty much comfortable in the status quo of the the Dominator culture with the United States segregation and all of everything that was taken for granted that that’s kind of how I feel where we’re at now of of the resistance to monogamy and the resistance to even just whether it’s gay marriage or or multiple lover marriage or custom contracts for liability responsibility for child care and all these things all of the very limited or these limited Frameworks that we’re stuck in their sent to me I see the similar to The Limited Frameworks of segregation in Liberty Frameworks of all of the backward policies stemming from slavery now that’s what I’m seeing when you’re talking now about how your band Venus and you’re sort of thresholds and and limits and I’m honestly thinking seeing that what what this is evolving tours in a more liberated sense and you can share your thoughts on this as well is is that if you were to be ultimately the CEO of your own sexual intimate emotional Enterprise you know in the end of the mission statement or the sort of prime directive of your of you as an entity is to maximize your sexual potential and have as much diversity and in pleasure and even paying any chance that should be enough but to have that sovereignty as the CEO of this Enterprise wear and you could also have as as that kind of prize have a board of directors who kind of help steer you and you have questions so it’s not like you’re just completely without guidance or completely without any sort of Elders to provide wisdom but in that scenario then you would have a list of openings and in in in in roles did for people to play and some of them will be at the highest ranks and get the most reward from that level the deepest intimacy and some of them will be just people who come by and massage your feet once a week but if you had it if it wasn’t just this binary thing if I go if you’re if you’re the man in my life you have to pretty much measure up to all of these different skills and it’s like if you corporate office environment you’re going to have people with different gifts and talents and training and the person who is very unskilled or or skilled in an area that’s kind of general and doesn’t require you know I’m saying like you so you have the freedom if you had the freedom to to literally and I’m going to do this with clients from now on is just like okay pretend that none of the ad paradigms that you’ve come to know exist and imagine what a sexual lifestyle for you how many people would it take to satisfy your every desire and if you had the you know the ability to to just put that offer out there and have people show up and what they get paid in is the Divine nectar that you need your love is the currency that they get paid any you know that they want they want to have your attention your love and your affection and some people will show up and all they want from to tell they want from you is to give you a foot massage you know some of them they would want to have they want to be the father of your child but when men can get along and accept it stay play different roles in a whole bunch of different other woman’s lies then everybody can kind of get sorted and you can have multiple overlapping Moonlighting gigs you know the system so of lovers so insecure in in their position and they’re not worried that you know somebody else is going to knock them out as you know there’s only one spot and then it’s this attitude of I think a lot comes to in a binary thinking and hierarchy that it’s just it’s a very limited way of of thinking you know you limit your choices and in the possibilities right from the outset just by the framework that you’re using so you know I mean my my parents were married a divorced and they’re now host remarried but you know like very ordinary familiar nuclear family nothing especially unusual there except for a I will note that my parents didn’t fit into standard like traditional gender roles so you know I’ve got different ideas and expectations about you know what what women do and and what you know what is what women’s roles can be and what men do and what men’s rules can be like basically I don’t jobs. You know that old handbook that says well men do this when you do that and that’s the way it is going to be more flexibility in negotiating like well you know these are the things that I like to do I mean I’m going to do the laundry you do the cooking and we’ll work it out you know however it is and you know I think I don’t know maybe that’s that’s part of where my flexibility and thinking comes from but yeah I mean it’s been just me and my husband for a long time and yeah there you know there are things that you know I don’t satisfy but for him or the he doesn’t satisfy for me you know although I’m an introvert I’m still more social than he is and so if I’m relying on him for all of my social activities I’m going to be disappointed so you know just for a really simple example if I want to go out to see a band or or something I’ll go on my own because that’s that’s not a thing that he especially enjoys doing he will do it he won’t like it but he does his best to support me and everything that I do and then vice versa but but yeah like not everybody can can meet every need. But there is an I don’t know that I really look at it from the perspective of okay here are the needs and and I’m going to go out and you know interview to fill this position and probably a little bit more like okay you’re somebody that I want on my team what can I get them to do and you know so I’m just sort of found that I waited a couple of other platonic relationships in the last couple of years since I start of you know become a little bit more open-minded and in my thinking about relationships and and so you know I was pleasantly surprised to discover there was a little bit more there than you know standard laconic relationship but the relationship so I’m thinking of her are both with men who I’ve known for a long time one of them I had dated in high school and and the other one I’ve known almost as long as that and you know so there’s different different possibilities even with people who are already on the team I guess you could say I like the language you’re using in this approach and yes or no he said it will be it will be you have to be more and more delicate recruit Angus recruitment so if we could be free to recruit as needed and to just be free and open to allow that I feel like this is all all moving in in a great Direction so on your blog do you get your you cataloging these the sort of them relations as they come up I’m how much how much detail do you typically share just on your blog I guess I use the blog will start it out more as a kind of therapy I suppose I heard is analogy after I’d already been doing this for quite a while that you know you put the ideas out there and it’s a little bit like group therapy that you’re getting feedback from other people and probably people who have some kind of affinity for what you’re going through and so what I like to do you know when I figure something out that’s when I’ll write about it or you know as I’m I’m exploring a particular issue that’s that’s got my attention and I don’t know that I have those catalogued in any particular way it’s it’s more destructive as I go you know this is what’s in my head today so so you get what you get on any given day so what would you say that’s like if you win these relations or decisions they come up there there’s a sort of thumb Peppard in the your life history that you share a gas if it’s kind of a yeah just ongoing kind of Journal journaling ISM of everything was a project where I had Revisited all of my previous relationships this is you know like when I was a teenager in dating looking back from where I am right now I am surprised at how young I was at the time by the time I ended up with my husband I know I felt so worldly and wise and the end I wasn’t I was still I was just you know pretty much coming out of adolescence really noticed that I had the way I saw it about to all of those previous relationships was mostly not not not in very positive terms and so I just went back with my you know my newer insights and Revisited all of those relationships and like okay so you know what happened here and did I learn anything then can I learn anything now from these things and that series of post was called the Dark Ages because it really felt like that you know that that you know those were the Dark Ages and then I had a Renaissance and and different stuff happening in different ways of thinking about it that’s a beautiful art yeah I think a lot of people can relate to that I certainly can you know it’s it’s more peppered through I think the Epiphany is really where the Blog start since and so you know I’m not sure if I have it tagged if you if you search on my site for Epiphany you will definitely find it it’s it’s one of the very first post when I talk about you know my relationships I will. I’ll tag those according to you know who the relationship was with is with so you know I got pseudonyms for for all of my ex-boyfriend’s this is going back a long time so I don’t think that anybody would necessarily recognize themselves hold onto the block but medium you know the post that deal with my husband will be tagged with with his pseudonym and and likewise with my partner there was a little bit more I think there’s more stuff talking about my partner because that was a new relationship and my relationship with my husband was established and and very comfortable and very you know satisfying for a long time and into this new relationship was actually the first time I felt like I was entering a romantic relationship as an adult like sort of knowing who I was and having a clue of you know what’s actually important to me Beyond well the guys interested in me so I guess that’s a good thing so they don’t suppose sir are all tagged with his pseudonym as well also well then I think there’s plenty of yet we’ve recovered a lot of it in those listening please do go and check out the blog and because something that will save me some what you’re saying now is it it’s it takes a brave partner lover husband to to be associated with if it’s expired or even by sudha Minnesota just makes me miss AC think I actually it’s a good idea to be a sex blogger if if you are if everyone had a sex Blog then there will be so much less of you sand and miss you send drama and Madness in the world because everybody would know that they were going to be you know Sunday news Morning News Drive Time news on the Block if they step out of line they’re going to be you’re going to be publicly shamed it even even buy a pseudonym and or celebrated really in Maytag made a positive example of you know that’s the reason to step up to the other side of that is it if you were to be associated with someone who’s who’s even anonymously but still out there out in that way you would want to do right and and be on your best behavior and it’s it’s it’s not impossible you know if you have a habit of being on your best behavior it’s it could become the rule and not the exception to be to be doing right so I can say that you know I’m not but that’s building out of our relationship which is already strong and and and he has seen a complete confidence in me and he knows that nobody knows who he is and so you know that’s not a big deal but I might my personal code of ethics I guess is that I don’t want either my husband or my new partner to be finding out anything you know anything that I have a problem with for the first time in text on my blog because that just seems rude to me if I’ve got a problem you know and it’s it’s not all perfect if there’s something that’s going wrong that I have an issue with I am going to talk to you to them about it first before I’m writing about it and and also that goes to how I like to write which is I want to I generally want to write things when I figured them out because that’s something that’s interesting to use is to say okay with this is confusing before and now I figured this out and and this is what was going on so if I’m in the middle of of being you know sad about something I probably not gotten to the end of that. Processive of figuring out what’s going on it’s you know that should have been natural resolution to it that when things are are resolved and and passed out but that’s the point when I would want to write about it anyway so it’s it’s no hardship but yeah I well that’s really cool yeah that’s that’s really cool to I appreciate you put that out there and that’s another dimension of just seeing the internet be either 4 hours for helping people mature and grow in their communication skills or having a b a place that holds people back and I really I really kind of juvenile the shadow of being a juvenile State of Consciousness so that’s really that’s really awesome so cuz I think a lot of people who they use the internet and the platform and getting feedback and getting likes and getting commiseration and all that and it can be very shadowy the way it just kind of instantly gratifies that need to have Vengeance against someone who you love or you know when you have a falling out for you have whatever you’re fighting or you’re breaking up or whatever and then all this all these gory details are disclosed to try to him went to try to win over some position against them and what not Inn what that meant a joke that everybody would you end up right back with that when you’re trying to figure out your ex and you trying to do and it’s like now and you know you so doing I appreciate that you have that that diligence that are processed a where you’re going to not use it to just sort of augment and amplify black magic against your own partner you know if you are actually solving issues and Reporting it back in and that’s some and yet it seems like there will be a place for a healthy kind of here’s the situation what do you think before I take action or something you could get advice but but not try to throw people under the bus so I’m not sure I know that’s just my style I feel really uncomfortable with that I guess I guess that’s the empathy I can’t turn it off and and that’s fine by me that you know I like what I want somebody to do that no and it’s you know I’m I’m putting stuff out as I feel comfortable with it if you know so when it goes on the internet I know that that’s it it’s out there and you know you never going to get that back into the Genie’s bottle kind of thing but it’s just yeah I think empathy is the biggest key there that I treating my people the way I you know I would want to be treated you know you mentioned with communication and it’s such such an important saying one of the things that I did want to mention it when I was growing up I did not learn communication I didn’t say I was never encouraged him to really talk about things or express myself and and so that that’s basically sort of an underlying theme of this blog is no actually expressing myself is good and valuable and and it’s a skill that I’ve learned you know I’m self-taught in this and the analogy that I use is that that scene early on in The Matrix where Neo has been arrested by agent Smith and he says you know he’s not going to put up with this. Oh crap I want my phone call and and the responses you know what good is a phone call that you can’t speak and it starts to melt close and that’s how I felt like I had that feeling like there was one of my boyfriend’s I don’t even remember what the issue was that was a problem in the relationship and it was so hard to just get the words out it felt almost impossible and then later on with my husband I had experience you know difficult emotional things and I’m happy to report that that gets better with practice so I definitely encourage that you know if it’s if it’s true it’s true and it’s kind and it’s necessary as they say in a spit it out I totally agree with this is been just it a gift to having your time and having you share this it’s it’s so much more lovely beautiful and revelatory gems are yielded lots of gold came from this conversation I’m just thrilled that we we got to explore these things and I feel like yeah this is Stephanie I don’t know yet I don’t know I hope that you that you write books and will you get you that mention that actually is coming full circle do you want to talk about just where people can find your website and I didn’t know you said that earlier that you do have some some books coming out is that right wordpress.com I’ve got a couple of short pieces published in the erotic on Anthology so erotic on is an annual convention for think they say like 4 for a sexual and erotic created so it’s primarily writing but also photography it’s I think it’s usually in March and this is in London and they’ve done an anthology for the past two years which happens to be the years that I’ve attended so that this the first one is called identity and erotic on Anthology and the other one is called Truth and erotic on Anthology and those are both available on Amazon and you can find I got a piece in both of those and there’s lots of other bloggers who have have pieces in there you can also find some some other great writers through those through those books awesome those sound like all great resources definitely hope folks check it out and ya feel free anytime if you feel compelled you’re welcome to share any thoughts of Revelations or new chapters are in the show I’m I’m always interested in keeping up with people who are who are on The Cutting Edge of all this is good stuff so if you have any final words to close with all means them and I’ll just say again thank you so much and it was great speaking with you tonight not a lot of people that I’m out to in the real world so it’s nice to have a chat with somebody about this stuff or I will always here for you and will definitely be in touch in the future sounds good thanks so much. Calm and cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition is sustaining and improving the podcast for donations will help establish permaculture goddess Temple every bite ecological employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email said at the park. Com Thomas Day

The Secret Life of Sex Blogging with Ann St. Vincent TPP112

Play

Ann St Vincent picIn this episode I am taken on an exclusive journey behind the posts of high-end sex blogger who has been living double lives as a powerful executive by day, and a sexual adventuress by night. She helps us understand the glories and difficulties of her path of uncompromising sexual exploration, empowerment and expression.

About Ann:

My name is Ann St. Vincent. I am an executive businesswoman in my early 40s.  I am a divorced woman and a Mom; my son Liam lives with me half the time.

This blog is my journal.

The last several years of turbulence in my life – involving a sexless-then-open marriage and taking advantage of it, divorce, sexual reawakening, online dating – all while navigating equal custody of my son and trying to maintain a good relationship with my ex – inspired me to get back to writing.

Unlike many divorced women, I am not bitter or angry at my ex for the breakdown of our marriage.  We both agreed we should go our separate ways.  I don’t regret my choices.  I’m pretty happy.  I’m not using a dating coach (yet).  I’m not looking to replace my husband and get re-married.  What I am, after a 15-year almost totally sexless relationship, is very keen on coming back to life, fulfilling every physical and emotional desire I have. At this point, I’d also like a boyfriend.

So far, so good. Life is fun and quite messy and I’m just figuring it out as I go along.

Everything here is true and my first hand, un-embellished experience, but the names of those I mention are disguised to protect the guilty. Enjoy.

http://annstvincent.com

AI Generated Transcription:
(Want to help with corrections? Please contact me to learn about rewards for your efforts!)

Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin I love your beloved’s welcome to Township Park podcast episode number 112 I am doing a call with N St Vincent a prominent sex blogger and it’s become a sort of a series now I’ve reached out to the number of sex bloggers to expand their Horizons of the type of guests on the show and I’ve been learning a lot and there’s so much diversity and so much just candid life stories especially from the more traditional blogs where people are sharing life journaling basically journaling life events and being vulnerable and opening up so it’s a real gift to be able to speak to a a blogger of that nature so and would you please definitely tell us about your background and what led you to become the prominent sex bloggers that you are well I didn’t have a lot of experience with bugs at all when I started writing of the few years ago now when I was getting right after separating from my now ex-husband and girlfriend of mine after hearing stories had asked whether I had written it down and suggested I should and she’s the one that recommended that I write writing to me at least journaling is something that I have always done I stopped doing it actually after a long time ago with my ex-husband and so it’s actually quite natural for me to write I think of what I do is my journal except I share it with a lot of strangers that’s how I started running right on so what are you have a beautiful layout of your website it’s it’s what over 800 post now it sounds like you’re down by category so do you want to kind of give us a preview of some of the themes of the categories combination of two things I was writing the dating stories or the the Misadventures I was having or Adventure there was having after becoming single I was in a marriage or relationship for 15 years and I was also trying to start to process what happened in that relationship and cuz I just started to think about her what would be the categories really is as I’m thinking about my my life and so some of it has to do with my marriage although more and more or less and less about that as it progresses in time and I know that some people are interested really and just reading about the sex stuff so I try to make that easy for them if they want to just get to I think what I call I think I have a section called quick and dirty and then more about relationship because it really is a Blog about really is all the things that have been happening to me for my relationship perspective and a sex perspective since becoming single a few years ago and so do I have to I have had some relationships but good and bad and then I have had a lot of sexual adventures and so that’s really how I think about it and then sometimes I write about family or friends but usually that is more rare or being a mom that’s not the predominant stuff but it is you know it’s all parts of me so you can find that kind of stuff as well so it’s kind of like it was coming to me and say a reality Blog the way we think of reality TV where you get these candid insights into all these Dimensions if of life and get the kind of learning grow along with somebody is a kind of like that yeah I think so it really is my turtle and I like I said I started writing to process it never occurred to me that anyone would want to read really what I was writing I mean I know that sex is titillating but I was writing about some of the injury and in a marriage and my marriage ended up being sexless and and it was open for a while and then I kind of got into online dating and I was insane and just really I didn’t think there was anything particularly compelling other than the fact that girlfriend seemed like my stories we were stories are good for over drinks and I write the only way I know how it is if I’m actually sitting and telling you a story and so it is it is really like that it is my journey it is my inner thoughts and of course that’s a bold overtime in that I am now aware that I have an audience I have people that will call me out on my crap if but it is it hasn’t really changed fundamentally what the purposes of the blog which is to help me sort through the things that I’m doing and thinking about him seeing and experiencing so the transition that you’ve made is it’s it’s very well it’s just it’s refreshing and in beautiful empowering to know that more women are stepping up into Independence and opening up and you talk about that some of the glory and the challenges with with that process going to specifically of transcending in Elk Grove and the container of what were told is the only way to love and relating to child-raising call Vesta why was I was fairly I’m told him not to use the term promiscuous because that’s a judgment statement so positive whatever we want to use but I like sex alot before I met my now ex-husband and had a lot of sex and started yelling and I’m sure there are lots of reasons for that that we can get into there was a lot of judgment around that know when your 20 and choosing to have casual sex or multiple several partners and being a pretty free about it at least at the time now in my early forties scene in the same way that it is when you come out of the marriage and you’re 40 and I’m free to do what you want and I had some experiences near the Tail part of my marriage once it was open that helped me realize that I really did miss that that aspect of my marriage and it was something that it wasn’t the only reason that our marriage ended in fact it was by the least reason that our marriage ended but ultimately I knew that I needed to I guess find that part of me again it was something that was completely turned off for very long. Of time is Italy I mean and I knew that I just wanted to find it I wanted to find my sexual self and that was a very deliberate thing that I set out to do as soon as I became single and it’s something I’m still doing although it’s maybe with the frenetic Pace now but I’ve also realized over time that it is is it is sometimes difficult to bring your whole self to bear in situations and so I remember going from one day I think I was at a sex club in the afternoon with someone and then of course when to pick up my son and had this moment of how weird that felt being being a mom I mean I’m a corporate executive you know I wear a suit most days I’m a mom to a young child and but yet I sometimes go and do things that are definitely on the fringes actually and that’s all me all the same package but yet starting to embrace that a little bit more and being more open about pieces of that certainly with friends is pretty liberating feels great just find that and to not really have to answer to anybody in the same way any part of that is just because as you get older you have a little bit of soda if I may can I swear you know I also have to recognize that it’s not exactly something I bring to the Forefront all the time because again is just one component of who I am it’s not the most important one and it’s are some people a bit off-putting cuz they don’t expect it but it’s really great to have that option yeah I can pick and choose and I’m certainly pretty open with most of my girlfriend’s as an example many of them know that I write and read the blog stories it actually becomes a short form cuz they’ll have read a post and then I don’t have to explain in text all the stuff that’s happened to the good stuff awesome Clark Kent Superman kind of soup there been times where I’m in the office and working and I need large team and Senior executive and look around but it’s still I don’t think it’s Unique to women like quite frankly I don’t really want to know about my colleagues sexual Adventures necessarily either like I wouldn’t find that distracting at the office I was surprised I’ll say you know coming back into the dating world after 15 years I was pretty if you’d asked me before I would have said that I expected the judgment to have changed and there to have been less of a double standard between women and men in if men do one thing and women do the same thing you know that it would be judged more similarly and I I was actually rather horrified to learn that that’s not true at all that the same behavior for a woman and a man is still and fortunately does quite there for me well you know like it’s funny that as you were as you’re speaking about this work the work-life play sort of balance and the finalization everything and then I felt like we’ve come a long way since as what in western civilization at least when I say we from the Roman bath houses where they wouldn’t be sexual harassment claims cuz everybody after work would go and have sex together in the bathhouses to talk about work at the network that was networking Meetup to go see that you know sometimes people just call you need to have a really good orgasm with a relaxed a little bit but yes that has changed I think one of the most powerful things and for me has been finding the occasional person our man in my life has it been who knows all of the factors and still is okay with all those facets and that’s something that I know from a couple of a very close friend who also blogger and she and I are challenge with that same thing which is there are men who are certainly coming out of these kinds of communities and you know if you meet them out of your blog Persona and they’re okay with the rest of you like that becomes very powerful but it’s very difficult to meet somebody in a more alcohol save vanilla wedding and then how do you explain to them what how do I say oh by the way I’ve actually been exploring my sexuality in a in a significant way and I’ve done these in some cases kind of wild things and I still want you to see me exactly the way you did before when you just kind of assumed that was maybe not like that and that doesn’t happen very often unfortunately in it if it’s you all to have to make a call and went to even share any of that even sharing a Blog is fraught with challenges it’s not ended well for me yet but anytime I’ve done it close calls are times you tried to backpedal there I’m just curious if if this is to be it’s yeah it’s just interesting maybe do you have tips or from from hard lessons hard to learn what is because I talked about my the break out of my marriage and what happened when it was open but it was open in a don’t ask don’t tell kind of way which I’m sure some will table that’s not open but you know there was an awareness that things could happen outside the marriage I wrote a lot about that and let’s just say my ex-husband would not at all be pleased for to the gross understatement to discover that I am not only doing the kinds of things that I’m doing but I’m writing about them including the breakdown of our marriage and he would be and so I’ve had to I Really at first didn’t tell anyone about the writing except this one girlfriend who had a grudge me to write in the first place but then no overtime I’ve become especially as time has gone away like I don’t write so much for my marriage anymore time is progressing to become more comfortable with my whole self I have started to tell more people but I’m still quite cautious right of not telling people that would be in a circle that make sure that with him but then when it comes to dating it it is something that it is a very tricky thing you’ll find people and some bloggers who say it’s absolutely not okay to write anyone about anyone if they don’t know that you’re writing about them I think that’s quite frankly easier said than done but I’m not sure that I am very careful about not disclosing anything that would indicate anybody’s identities but then two then you have to make a call I got at some point if you do want to let someone in on on that knowledge of how you do that again It’s Tricky and I was dating someone so his name on my blog is fox and he was mature guy seems like he’d be pretty chill about it a bit kinky, knew about some of the stuff that I got enough to and was fine and I decided that because we seem to be on pretty good relationship trajectory I said okay to myself like I’m going to tell because I didn’t I don’t want to have this as a secret from some of the time in a serious relationship with his fine he said he was cool I didn’t tell him the Blog name I just told him that I log out there and he was fine with it until he wasn’t thought it out a couple of the stories that I use those stories I’m pretty hi Google something to do with gangbangs other things blog and so hard for him to find it and then he started reading and as I would be the same for sure he I was writing openly about the relationship I’m kind of lost his mind at that point we understand I would never want to know if the tables were turned far into a relationship with someone I would never want to know I will write when I have doubts and I will write when I’ve had Scrappy sacks you know what I don’t get it from that perspective would be difficult for me to give anyone any advice other than be really careful but it all the advice and I’ve written about this on my blog actually and I can find the link for you if you want which was I was dating somebody after that and month later and Eli after I ate the first experience I’m never going to tell anyone really really serious and down the road and there’s nothing bad decided to look kind of obsessively to all of my like my real life I know I’m logged life social media account and I had one connection between my real life Instagram account on my blog Instagram account and he found it he found that link and having to be good friends blog and I’m on her blog roll and there was not to get into it but there was a reference that she had made on her Instagram account that he knew that it was me and then found me through that my blog through that and that relationship ended very very badly blog but the lesson I learned from that was around you know that you start writing and I think most people especially in the Hexbug and community community so you tend to make friends through the blog you connect with people that are like-minded and it becomes tempting as it was for me at some point to say oh well there now like I can connect with them through my personal like my real account and you have to be very very rigorous and not do that not so much because that somehow wrong that you want to connect with people but it does leave you vulnerable am I issue for me was that I made my friend vulnerable to because he knew that her real life identity because she’s one of my closest friends and I have been talking about her and he was able to make that connection so I put her at risk as well and that’s the kind of stuff that you think about when you’re just excited cuz you’ve met these people who you think are wonderful and you want to reach out then maybe you don’t have a Blog Twitter account to use your real Twitter to you know you don’t think about it you don’t think about it and you just do it and it feels great cuz your meeting with wonderful supportive Community but you know most people in the world I think are trustworthy but occasionally if something happens and you’ve got these connections it actually kept me very bad things like I sent my ex-husband email using my email address private and I cannot complete freak out that I was referring to you about even things like making sure you have never email if you are the kind of bloggers that I am in and you’re you need to be careful like some people are out fully in the open but the kind of job I have the fact that I’m am all the fact that I have an ex-husband like all these things are make it really important for me to to be careful and so yeah there’s there’s things like even emails email accounts and not using certain accounts that are very very good at consolidating your information like a Google email is logged into my blog and I sent a YouTube link to somebody again using I didn’t even know ya the Google Plus thing you have no idea if you I believe all these things so I’m having flashbacks yeah I actually I had a Google Plus account and I I I I deleted it because it was just far too hard to control that integration and Integrations great something it’s not the great when you’re writing a sex blog you don’t want people to know that wow very enlightening I can not think I ever thought of it before either so that’s why I also wrote a couple posts about it for my readers because I wanted people to be aware of these things just you know just keep him in mind and pay peoples make her own decisions but just the vulnerabilities that are there at that while you’re there and I didn’t want anyone else or bad and I figured I could do but least I could do nothing but what I wanted to do for people with and hopefully not have them look at each other the same mistakes I made so thank you for sharing that with tell him yeah it’s in the comment on this obviously but it’s interesting that there is this the sort of a parallel opening up of dialogue and kind of a a Renaissance around psychedelic research and Shamanism and plant medicines a different kinds and ceremonies and it’s it’s been it’s been a struggle for mothers to talk about their experiences in the in the world is using entheogens for healing and for Transcendence you know and because there’s a threat that well at anything as a parent can be used against you in the family court of law basically you know so do you have any tips or experience with that hopefully you know you haven’t seen the worst of kind of dynamic but I know it’s something that a lot of women don’t speak out and don’t don’t build community using the internet because of these types of you know you’re just building a case against yourself in certain instances and if you don’t if I don’t know if there’s a right way or how you would just offer you know to tips for support but calculated risks I guess it time so yeah I think that’s what it is I have a fairly amicable relationship I would say if we didn’t if there was any kind of custody argument or fight or those kinds of things I would probably not shake the rest I do think a lot of people moving a lot I started logging not because I had an end in mind in terms of a book or a movie deal of those kinds of things I know a lot of money or they want to turn it into something a writers and so this is a another vehicle to get that kind of famous but that’s ultimately they want to make money off a Blog and I actually live in fear a little bit of of that because then suddenly becomes more likely that someone who’s heard my stories in real life is going to make a connection right so I think I think I definitely would not be so open about it if I was in a different situation with my ex I think people are not always so not as cautious as they should be frankly in or around writing some of these things in terms of Facebook group come out of group for divorced people I read some of the people right you don’t know who the other four thousand people be careful. I think at the end of the day like it for me it’s it is really about expressing what I’m going through and processing what I’m going through and I’m willing to take the rest I did my due diligence and thinking through from a professional perspective what the impact would be if it was found out if my professional life and my blog life but connected and I decided that if that were to happen Okay number one executive has a lot of facts is not exactly going to be some hell but I did I did decide that in the very unlikely scenario but that was to happen and that’s something negative was to happen to me as a result to my employer finding out that I would be the first one to show it from the rooftops that there’s no justification for that you know if that was the case I would absolutely fight for the fact that what I choose to do between consenting adults none of its illegal to have any bearing on my ability to do my job call me. I need that calculator husband now I can shut the block down pretty quickly I’m really careful about who knows I just hope he’s too busy and disinterested ever even think that it would be out there all right well it’s a reminds me I was at the adult industry door entertainment industry panel discussion about how this Administration is going to affect prosecution’s around insanity and you know with pouring and all that and what it was the lawyers from the panel or saying you know just make stuff that you’re proud of and it you’re willing to fight for and if it’s you know something that the community is people within the industry feel is worthy and recency amongst extreme pornographers believe it or not you know what you’re doing you’re not harming children or animals you’re having a great time living it up as a human being being creative and playful with your adult toys to do you know it’s only people who are jealous that would you don’t get too upset and want to shame anyone for that so I would agree and that I am willing to take the rest gate it it has become the blog and yeah you mentioned that I was writing every single day thousand words a day and it was super important to me and just being able to actually think it helps me think through things and help me make decisions the feedback also became important to me that the comments and I’m always saying to people don’t sugarcoat it I don’t want to just have a course of people that they owe you go girl and it’s nice to hear but that’s not actually really but the end of the day if I’m struggling with something I want to hear people’s perspectives even if I don’t like that I think about it as having a whole bunch of additional therapist are people who you’re could share their opinion on what I’m doing and and I don’t want to give that up and that’s important to me and so I’m willing to take the risk for that it’s it’s less it’s become at least more recently important but I’ve had I settled ever-so-slightly more Partners than people do in a lifetime one night yeah I think I went to a sex club one night and I had probably think five or six man and then I have this moment I think I’ll make a note of that for someone in their entire life and sexual partners I’m getting a little bit too yeah I wanted to know so there is this Mystique around corporate execs and the obviously the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon and I’m kind of getting a little bit of what’s the word curious I suppose about that the inter workings of the power dynamics if that say you heard if your if you have power a lot of people say that kind of stereotype around what what the male CEO executive is doing at a femdom dungeon temple temple of sorts is to release and surrender and let go of all that power and authority that’s being wielded with so much stress and responsibility during the corporate office workday or work weekend and I’m curious to have some of your cycle analysis of what’s going on in your what you found to be the what do you cook the your your release from the tension of the work place and into the realm of sexuality and how that is expressed for you I guess I could read all your blog posts or some of them and get a sense but it for this moment I’m just curious if you have a and you’re right it is so I had a his name is Andrew on the blog and he was the first person to talk to me about submission in a you know I have big shots of it but actively thing to me he said am I think you should go read go join at life website and look into Alpha subs and and he said I think you might be able to get into Subspace right which is a submissive can get into as a result of the pain or the body creates endorphins shut off that goes into this play he had suggested that and I kind of got down the rabbit hole at life of learning about submission and talking to some Dom and leading a lot about that and then decided I’d experiment a little bit with that and I’m not I am absolutely the leader at work a leader at work and have power I would say your and it’s interesting to me that it is not something that I particularly want to have quite happy to submit and I prefer it and it was only when I started reading about all of this that I liked you say you look correlation between professional strong women and a man in submission I don’t I don’t want to comment because I don’t know that true but maybe if you took 10 senior professional women would more be submissive and dominant yeah I guess that’s what I’m saying that’s from what I’ve done and yeah I don’t know if it’s so much for me to release stress I love what I do and it is a stressful job but I actually derive pleasure from from what I do I love my job other people is not stressful in the same way for me but I guess I enjoy not making decisions it’s nice to have that it’s certainly nice the kind of man that I find ultimately you’re going to think about the best partners for me would certainly be mad men who have the right balance of aggression and respect and for that is true in the bedroom I am not the kind of person and I met someone who is actually kind of funny Siri is he just called the dog trainer cuz that’s what he did he what he fancied himself a dog but he was really bossy and he tried to boss me around outside the bed early show up and say go do that dive your submissive and Michael number one I’m not I wouldn’t call myself a job and you have to earn it number to order something entirely different between in a physical act and taking charge and he wanting somebody to take charge and yes at time getting into a farmer submit some kind of exploring that’s different than someone just saying go get me a drink it’s a story about please say please and I think it is I don’t know all the reasons but that turns me on but I do know that sometimes I just I like to not have to make a decision like Joy having a male partner who’s going to be taking charge that way cool bro that’s a good could you see and say and guys who have it figured out at least four women like me it’s fantastic but more often than not I find men who are just not that you don’t quite have that balance they either think everything is directive or they asked permission to everything that some kind of my car please stop after which maybe go against those attempts to walk on eggshells and then that leaves the woman saying where’s the beef you know and I’ve been in the opposite situations where you it’s just always think the solution for it I heard someone say recently that the I guess the take home from what was being said it wasn’t the exact point don’t want to take it out of context but basically was the reason one of the key reasons for there to be for sex to be a social activity is it it helps keep people in check in how to keep you safe boundary and container and check if other people are kind of refereeing what’s going on because there’s a tendency and private if you just want you to one person might be bending their boundaries without even knowing it and regretting it later another person is in the moment could be bending their own agreement it’s just the the tendency to get into the trouble on either side of a a dyad is upset when you have more people around who are going to say Hey you know I don’t know what’s going to happen but if I make this one facial expression that I don’t even know I’m making that’s probably time to tap the guy out you know I’ve never heard that before but I love it there’s so much to learn once we start actually being open and talking about stuff Wilkes we’ve covered a lot of material and I’m so I guess they are so grateful to have received this Insight from vinevale and has been this it is kind of a alluring this double life and the challenges that we have in the modern social media era to deal with the stuff and so I’m sending my best prayers and wishes that that you’re continually safe and protected and and honor and cherish and respected in people’s you know see what you’re doing when they have a they see that you’re I did it’s a good ending in well-intentioned and purposeful mission that you have and and have no interest in outing you or any other if you know that I’m just not too sure if they understand the value that you’re bringing to other people who may be could be in the middle of nowhere and have no access to the culture that you have access to and this could be what gives them permission to even start to masturbate or something you know me that’s a big deal so yeah yeah it’s name is Leo on the Block I do have tags you know for all the names well so far what I would write would help anybody because it really is no my own Journey but it has been probably probably but it is been a real amazing side benefit and completely unexpected honor that people reach out and read and some in some cases say that yes I have open their eyes to things or has really helped them or the aspire to the same amount of a kind of Freedom that I have or write about Ben incredible if you’d asked me three and a half years ago I started writing in a whether I thought that would ever happen I would have last course not like nobody do you have any do you want to promote anything coming up on the website or just give the URL and direct people there in any closing words you might have a new maybe he’s going to end up just being one time lover will see and feathers for 800 Coast but hopefully decently easy for people to navigate to they know the sections are the stories might be of interest I know a lot of people just start at the beginning and just read so that’s always an option to although I can’t imagine doing that but I’m always up to something every day and then that time if there’s something going on I post everyday for two days and I know okay thanks again so much and you have a great evening thank you it was so delightful to meet you I love you. Tantra Park. Com can cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition to sustaining and improving the podcast your donations will help establish permaculture goddess Aphrodite ecological employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email been at Tasha Punk. Com Thomas gay

Exploring the Art of Erotic Literature with Malin James TPP110

Play

Malin James picIn this episode I have the exquisite pleasure of exploring the art of erotic literature writing with Malin James. She offers a wide range of insights into the inner workings of erotic writing and we agree that it’s vital to sustain and evolve this ancient craft into the digital age.

About Malin:
Malin James is an essayist, blogger, and short story writer. Her work has appeared in Electric Literature, Bust Magazine, MUTHA, Queen Mob’s Tea House and Medium, as well as in anthologies for Cleis, Sweetmeats Press and others. Her short story collection, Roadhouse Blues will be available this summer from Go Deeper Press. Learn more at http://www.malinjames.com

AI Generated Transcription:
(Want to help with corrections? Please contact me to learn about rewards for your efforts!)

Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin podcast episode number 110 I’m here with Mom and James a writer blogger and essayist of all things sexuality and Beyond and another blessed adventure to just discover more folks out of the box of Tantra who were in the sex blogging in writing fields and she was kind enough to accept my invite to the show and so it’s going to be a a process of exploration and learning about what all you offer your path to becoming an influencer in the sexuality writing field so yeah please share this a bit about your path leading up to the wonderful person you become thank you so much for having me on its really really cool I’ve been listening to some of the episodes and I really think of the work you’re doing is fantastic so it’s a complete honor to be here I think that I think that I’ve always been sort of Q2 sexuality in one way or another and I’ve been writing for a very very long time almost 20 years but it was until about five years ago that I really started focusing on sex is a subject and I started writing erotica and Dean sex blogging writing that sexuality and as I did that more and more I realized that sex is really an amazing lens to sort of look at our Humanity through our spirituality through understand ourselves each other that is really it is all encompassing and, things are tough connective facet of humanity and Joe the start of the more of my perspective Broad and on that the more I found it right about the more I reached out to people and people reached out to me and I just became a very nourishing very creative exciting space to be an end here I come from a background that is on the more traditional side and I have a history with sexual trauma and healing from all of that and so what kind of a winding road but through all of that has always been this sense of sexuality as being something that connects all of us and is very connected to my think that’s that’s it in a nutshell and I am grateful for it well well thank you for sharing and do you want to talk about some of your projects what what you’re focused on in your Expressions over this. So I think I took out at about last year I was primarily writing just very short pieces very short erotic fiction getting them published anthologies and doing all of that and it was good it was it was fun and then I didn’t wear more that I started blogging about my personal experiences just in relationships I’m in an open marriage and polyamorous most of my adult life so I started writing about that and my experiences with that just as as things opened up for me sort of healing from trauma I wrote about that some more and and things just started getting very I found myself very much sort of in the center of of the the non-fiction I was writing and so are most of my my non-fiction is very sordid personal experience reflective sort of stuff and I had always shied away from that because you know I made in the end you know who wants to be navel-gazing and instruct you know but you find a balance stop and get some perspective and the really cool thing is it that you know no one ever experiences you know when we all resonate with each other and you resonate in a can be very surprising can be really wonderful eye-opening so my non-fiction is definitely edges over towards the personal experience in the personal essay then as far as as far as fixing goes I’m working on a collection of erotic short stories right now that’s coming out with go deeper press this summer cold Roadhouse Blues and basically what I’m really looking at what I’m really interested in is it’s a bunch of connected short stories that also focus on this sort of one town in the middle of nowhere in the United States and the lives of people people have and how they don’t maybe look like what we think of as you know I haven’t particularly Rich sexual lives but they really do and they don’t matter stereotypes and they don’t maybe look the way we think they should look or you know whatever they want to just break down break down the idea of you know a sexual person looking a certain way or being a certain way or traditional relationships vs untraditional relationships insert break all that down to where it’s like now we’re just people in these people have relationships and this sometimes relationships look like one way and sometimes they look another way and so that’s really been my passion project for the past year now finishing it up now and really looking forward to getting that out in the world what sounds fun are you are you going out and sort of doing the what are they call it like what a method actor would do to get immersed in the environment so you can have a prospective for details of things are actually that’s a really awesome question I was an actor I trained as an actor and I worked as an actor in New York and San Francisco for about 10-15 years earlier in my life so a lot of my writing I use the same muscles in my writing as I do and when I was acting and what it is is it not so much method acting as like intense empathy I really really empathize with my character’s a bite if I can’t empathize and come to a character with compassionate then I shouldn’t be writing them even if they’re absolute jerk even if they’re you know an awful human being for me to write from a place that is both productive and I don’t know what the word is I don’t to say lightning because that’s that’s a bit that’s that’s a tall order but if I’m going to write from an honest place a place that isn’t may be rooted in judgment I need to have that empathy so I filled up a lot of those muscles when I was being an actor and doing acting training and I use that same sort of seat of empathy and compassion when I when I write my writing is super character-driven so you know whether it’s a guy who’s cheating on his boyfriend or you know woman who just desperately wants to have a baby and so she kind of does anything to get there just whatever the situation is even if I’ve never lived that live that experience try to come at it from a pretty like a pretty understanding emotional place and then if I don’t understand certain to take it looks like I’m never going to know what it is to be a gay man and so if I need to get a good perspective an honest perspective on something then you know I’ll talk to a friend or I’ll talk to to someone who has direct experience in an area to make sure I’m doing it right I mean the last thing you want to do is just perpetuate stereotypes without knowing it that sucks so you know I do want to be carefully do a lot of research but but yeah in the end it really comes down to like no matter who we fall in love with no matter who we have sex with no matter who we want or need or what we do we’re all people and we all hurt and we all love joy and we all experience pain and that sort of like the first step for me in getting into into a character’s head and then after that kind of just see where they take it sounds a little bit like we will and everything but it’s a very organic sort of intuitive process for me you know scanning my subconscious of four any references to something that like what you’re talking about and actually what came to mind was that movie Thelma and Louise did you receive that I really takes you on an anthropological journey into the Bible Belt and masculinity and the recently and it’s been years since I really I really loved it as a child that I think that was probably an important seed of Consciousness it was planted then and and watching it now recently after almost thirty years of being a free reasonably well trained feminist at least by my partners who wouldn’t give me the option if it’s amazing when you think about the character development in understanding and emphasizing and seeing the wounding of patriarchy that’s a on both on all ends of the gender Spectrum really in you just see the how tragic it is to be so so anybody really that the way that they that they covered the truck there is a truck driver he was a perv there was the husband who is the certified abusive or neglectful Tyrant and then there was the cereal kind of date rapist creepy guy and then there was the the good cop bad cop thing going on the empathetic cop with versus and so it’s like a sacred masculine was really held by of all people Harvey Keitel and he was the only one and then there was even the boyfriend who was tearing up the hotel room you know so she couldn’t even deal with him but he would least was wounded and he was a little bit vulnerable yeah it was a circus of patriarchal archetypes and archetypes that have been perpetuated for so long and end and have you know tab damaged women but also damaged men I really feel like you know all of it boxes just end up end up doing more damage then then good at this point you know with men feeling like they have to be a certain way to be strong or to be to be mad and identify you know as a particular gender and and women you know what’s been you know what’s been done to women by the patriarchy over so many so many centuries are you still you’re still working on the book now or you’re working on I’m doing all that the edits at this point so I’m I still got my hands pretty pretty deep in there so I can I think it would be probably a good move to go ahead and have a watch and just sort of compare you know what’s going on on the screen with some of the things that I’m working on to I think that’s awesome all right around ya good for divine timing and then it also makes me feel the other than this is like the pendulum swing of empowerment is that film based on if I can remember her name it’s probably going to escape me right now but at the only female serial killer wilmslow niak something like that I just heard a reference recently but I hadn’t had you seen that film really really powerful movie and Powerful Super 8 yeah it’s just that those that those are good things are going to my so what if you’re in less it’s a secret in your keeping it I mean I guess you could give us the back cover version to know if you have it to understand what it was some of the angles are coming at 2 with this project then I’m definitely curious truckstop town in the middle of nowhere and I really wanted to leave it very general because there places like this all over the country and very particular sort of localized stuff but but I wanted I wanted this town called sticks to sort of sit in sit in that space that General survival belts Enid rural Highway Town kind of feel and so what it is I’m kind of span of a bunch of decades like I’ve got a story set in the 40s and I’ve got a story a story set in the fifties and sixties and I’ve got stories that now and what if what I’m looking at is stuff like like there are there are some stories about women who work in a strip club but it’s not about them as strippers it’s about them as as women I’m in the top and see what they do and you know one of them is about a woman who is convinced her husband is cheating she she knows he’s cheating and the question is if he actually is cheetah or if this is just a lot of her own you know her own filters sort of boxing him into a role that he’s not actually playing or a woman who had a very close relationship to her father and he died and should have working through that with a man she needs no guy who who owns the local Diner and he’s gay but he’s completely in the closet because you know growing up in the 80s and you know it should taking Bible about town you you just don’t talk to being gay so you know so he’s performing this idea of what it is to be a straight man when you know there’s this other self that he doesn’t get to my cakes for Access with you know or a woman who escaped a really abusive relationship and how that haunts now and how that experience literally changed who she was least through all of that are sexual encounters sexual experiences sexual relationships in the thing with erotic of the tricky thing is is like an erotic I basically as a genre it needs to have sex and that’s that’s for the genre but what I wanted to do was you know make the sex really really like at just an inherent necessary part of the story and make the sexiest characters have and that I depict in the stories make it means something make it meaningful you know what start them in one place and have them end up in another place through a sexual encounter through the expression of their sexuality so all of these characters are very full people outside of the sex they have but for whatever reason in the stories they are in some way transformed or transported by a sexual experience and so that you know that’s like it needs a moment and are the pivotal Moment In the book where things change and I guess the best way I could put it is that in these stories for these people the pivotal moment is sexual you know the woman who just had a kid who feels completely out of touch with her body but she manages to get herself off and feel desire again for herself you know and and how that can change her and just a husband and wife who lost touch and I will find each other again but only after the wife has an affair and just that that kind of thing to sex is there like that by opening experience I think is really my hope for it that’s beautiful yeah I was at that makes me think you know when you’re sexually deprived or I guess Starving in a way in and it really distorts your character to the point where when you are able to then eventually have relatively fulfilling and desirable sex then it just kind of melts away all of that paint instantaneously then we built up over that time of deprivation and say yeah I said I don’t care how no matter how long it takes for my dream list of dream loving experience has to happen I know that in the moment it does happen I’ll know it was worth it to have to have to wait that long that one experience smacks you right upside the head and Andy know you it’s something shifts and it’s you know it’s stuff like that that’s just an instant beautiful fakeness that’s like as a profound it’s a profound Lee amazing yet mundane thing in like in mainstream media I think n insertive especially women’s bag of beans like Cosmo and and stuff you know performing sex you know how to how to be sexy how to how to be a sexy person how to have no mind blowing pornographics acts like you’re camping up the pressure on something that you know it doesn’t it doesn’t need to be that it can be any wholesome that can be filthy it can be wholesome and filthy at the same time you know Steve whatever we be whatever you need it to be in that moment with your partner with yourself and I just I just want to put put a little bit of that out there you know everyday people having really profound everyday experiences yeah that’s beautiful man in the in the world world of Tantra it’s kind of in a different way can become guilty of that have just hyping up this ever-elusive experience of transcendence that’s so so easily easy to access but then sometimes you’re fixated on trying to achieve something greater than what’s in the moment and some of the most required no technique and no mantras and know you know spiritual latticework to climb and it was just the person was so into it and so present that they just they didn’t need any of that it’s at to get there and it made in it and I could just melt into it so but it is important for a man I say two to be able to fully relax into sex you have to you have to train to be able to relax and there’s a lot of people whether it’s sexologist sexual therapist that you’re doing helping men overcome both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation and if you can figure out how to sustain yourself in that sweet spot then so nourishing to bathe in those chemicals that the neurochemistry of how do you describe these good feelings in words in the paper the medium of words how do you express these if these feelings last me as I was working on this like how do you how do you make how do you make sex like more than just sort of like the bear biological unit description in like 10 and all that because in the end you know like we all know how sex works you know what you mean we basically you no no what you do when you have sex you know regardless what kind of sex you’re having and we know it like the mechanics are so you don’t have to to Really describe it like and super detail as opposed to like getting into that sort of that biology of it is there that I think about it I talk more about how things feel you know so it’s not just like they kissed it’s what’s going through her head when he kisses her what’s what he feeling when he kisses her like you know where they smelling what is it remind them of you know where did it take them and their minds are you know where they completely taken out of their heads and just living in the moment and experiencing the sensation Moment by moment and Eileen a lot more on that sort of that since a moment by moment physical experience as opposed to like a description for for writing a story and I also find that very naturally when I when I start writing from that sort of place of how something feels as opposed to what’s happening to them it naturally takes me right into the characters experience and and tops that empathy really just organically you know so I mentioned the story about the the woman who to have the baby and you know she just lost touch with her body she’s lost her ownership everybody in our entire sense of herself and so you know she ends up masturbating and it is a pretty straightforward story but like the whole build-up is how disconnected she feels to her body and how much it hurts and how much she just she just feels out of place in her skin and so the more she touches herself in a loving way the more she just seemed like your neck a little bit and let that tension app no justice he’s very unsexual actions that she’s taking gently unpen the tension and the the the start of the self-torture she’s putting herself through emotionally you know to unlock unlock that little portion of yourself that’s that’s really blocked off so you know going into her her head and like what did it feel like you know what does she remember sex feeling what she remembered her body feeling like how is it different now oh maybe it’s not so maybe it’s not so scary that it’s a little bit different maybe it’s okay that it’s changed a little bit maybe it’s still beautiful maybe her skin still feels good on your fingertips that kind of thing and let her sort of explore explore her physical self from that a very sordid a moment a very moment to moment almost like I had to take this a Buddhist but it is in a way it’s a very moment to moment present in reality right now experience in and let her be physically with herself and follow that experiences she has she has it and end with a story like that basically it was almost like it was getting married at Uni and I just like I just wrote it down so it says it’s super sensory and and way more like emotionally driven you know you want to make it sexy cuz you know still ride again people you don’t want to feel good you know when they when they read it but definitely looking for that deeper kind of that deeper feeling good but deeper feeling of a sexual experience I love it just came to mind that everyone should know how to fuck their own brains out that what you know what is it that gets you what gets what gets you under your own skin and then you know run with that cuz that’s you know that’s brilliant that’s that’s that’s a fantastic gift you can give yourself right on would you be at would would you feel put on the spot if I asked you to read any sampling of any of your Works whether it’s from your what you’re currently working on or anyting for the past and just you know feel free if you don’t if you don’t feel shy I can pull something at let me see let me pull up this isn’t from The Collection this is this is a piece that I wrote last year and it’s basically about a woman who is recovering from a pretty horrible breakup pretty horrible just a relationship in general me see if I can find the file here where are you all right there with me sorry about that nothing all right let me go up to my website I think I’ve got it on it see I’ll read it a snippet of it it’s called the second letter and I wrote it right at the start of my own sort of healing process from some relation to cut by a pretty bad relationship and I and then you don’t and coverings and some stuff in my own past my own my own experiences. Especially you know when I was very very on that were just super painful and I buried and said this was the first story that I wrote that really I feel like I started tapping into something much more real instead of that sort of but I think I was like that like stop corn and there’s nothing wrong with it but she would like that. Erotica important that she is super like hey look how many positions we can get in and out of time and it’s in a it’s fun it’s latest it’s Enos groovy it’s just you know it’s very it should have more about what they’re doing instead of what they’re experiencing and records of exactly exactly this is the first time it’s pretty special place in my heart so read I read a little bit you can fit in the phone booth dude get 10 people in a phone booth love it I believe it just makes me sit back Bow Wow that’s that’s infusing like if that was reality that would be pretty incredible you know it’s either really wow I can’t bear was supposed to be a space born on Dixie they had to design a sex harness so that we would be able to populate the species after that we leave if we leave the Earth if we leave the Earth is smoldering Cinder and we have to repopulate Mars and we have to have a harness to strap in otherwise we would just be sending each other across the spaceship every thrust you know so okay if we had to go earlier than we have to go live in space how do we do that you know how do we do all these things how do we have sex I love that alright so let me see okay so here’s the here’s here’s a snippet from the second letter I have sent you the letter that I want you to see it’s practical and why’s full of smooth measured lines and things are best for both I’m not writing the letter that I wanted to write it is not smooth is not measured I’m writing on my skin than the length of my leg and up again higher and higher to my warm wet comes in the hollow places that you can I will start my hip and scroll to my love on that curved hardbone I will write up the silence my tongue couldn’t feel of the ugliness and envy I swallow just keep your taste in my mouth I understand your responsibilities your conditions your life I embraced my confinement in a small mushroom I was your Escape you said if you kiss my thought it was cream and white when you did not smeared with ink but clean and sweet atacolypse band improbable trust your words poured into my skin and diffused feeling my cells with your precise exact same love Alchemy magic I became an extension of you you cast a spell with every they can bite every time your fingers drifted between my thighs in bars and restaurants and cafes in streets every time you found me wet every time you suck my breast am I thin cotton blouse I lost an inch of myself more ink on my skin you love me love me your word Steve denslow in profound until I live to your teeth in the rest of your cock the human arching back a curving neck neck a greedy gaping cunt I was a response to your words the words that you scroll down my skin with your Rich invisible ink a room at Haven the bottle in the gym a pretty little box wow yeah I Rosie thank you thank you very much I appreciate that a great deal where do you get a lot of your guests if inspiration do you have places you go to disconnect and or does it just come at random times and you take notes I’m just curious the creative workflow you know what people want to get into this what what are some best practices in tips and tricks of the trade don’t don’t wait to be inspired because the way the way I feel like creativity Works its it always there you just don’t know when it’s going to pounce on you so in order to kind of keep yourself open keep your brain open keep your spirit open in a right right a little everyday even if it’s like 5 minutes in a notebook you know if you can you can eat out more time that’s awesome if you can work out a page that’s great but like 5 minutes a day sit down quietly with yourself just jot down whatever comes to mind like no pressure no expectation just something from a dream something I thought you had the sound of a person’s voice like what it feels like you know when you get that shiver of recognition and it feels like you got memories opening up your spine just all those little like those little experiences that pop into your brain just at random shot the shot that down you give yourself 5 10 minutes to just indulge in that that creative space and sometimes like stubble slow at you and you can keep it down fast enough and sometimes it’s going to be pretty quiet and we started like meditating and you’re staring at the wall in your life what’s going on and you don’t just stay with it as best you can and just not even if you’re just writing oh my God this is awful I can’t wait at that I had no thoughts so that’s the first thing is just like opening up that Matt muscle that awareness of story of yourself of experience and then the more you do that the more the more things should have started to spark and you know sit down we know what an idea like I seen a visual a visual like an image that you can’t get out of your head you know maybe write a little a little story for that like why are those two people doing that thing in that picture you know ask a lot of like a lot of why questions you know why did I dream turn you on why did that dreams scare the hell out of you you know why did that thought surprise you I find that you know opening yourself up like a little bit every day and then always questioning yourself coming on it from a place of curiosity asking why why why and writing the answers you’re going to end up with piles of material or piles of stories that never would have occurred to you if you sat down and we’re trying to bang them out in a conscious way and so that’s I think that’s that’s what I’d say for anyway that’s still how I work that I’ve been working for 20 years and it helps keep the pressure off and it keeps that that writer’s block at Bay because okay so I have a crap day and I’m I write absolute shiter apps I write absolutely nothing that’s okay I’ll have tomorrow so you know those steaks and a and I think once you you free yourself of that pressure you can go to take yourself to places that are going to surprise you and those surprises you know saying saying yes to like the things that surprise you and maybe catch you off-guard a little bit that’s where the really great stories are can you count demystify what writer’s block is as feel that the yeah me neither I probably haven’t been I mean I’ve I’ve written for magazines I’ve written columns for newspapers and I’m going back to college and I’ve been lyrics and poetry I said I consider myself a skilled and talented May probably more talented than skill that should be a writer but I haven’t made it my profession so I haven’t been dependent on it for my livelihood in a way that if I got stuck that it would matter so I probably never felt that anxiety around it so I’m curious what is that what is that is a phenomenon and if people have encountered it what are some of the tips that you’d have fur breaking through I’ve got to admit something right here I I have made it so that I don’t like that the stories of fiction I write in the essay is that really matter I don’t make my living off those I write copy I you know I freelance really boring stuff I do other things I teach sometimes I do other things so that I don’t have to make a living off of my fiction and I think like you were saying I think that pulling that that that performance pressure that that sort of financial imperative off of my fiction actually makes me much more productive than I would be otherwise and helps me avoid the writer’s block that might come when that pressure hits but you know back is different I feel like it’s different for a different different authors and different writers and it it manifests in different ways basically I I think that the most General it just like the most General way I tend to think about it as a sort of like a paralysis like you’re sitting at your computer your desk your notebook or whatever it is and you cannot you cannot put pen-to-paper you cannot make a words show up on the screen you’re just you’re paralyzed and it can happen because your blank and for some reason ideas and Rose are coming it can happen because there’s so much going on in your head and you have so many ideas that you get overwhelmed it can happen because you’re exhausted or depressed or anxious or worried or distracted basically what it comes down to is that you are like standing in the middle of the road and you cannot put one foot in front of the other and so the best thing you can do for yourself is to say it’s just Cop 2 that’s where you are you like okay I am in a really tough place I cannot put one foot in front of the other and be okay with that and switch gears so if you’re writing a fiction piece and it’s just not working you cannot work on it switch gears write an email and write write write an observation write an essay write write a you know what’s in thoughts on a book you read rights and thoughts on a movie you read right you know right it right to a friend right some tweets write a Facebook post just switch gears to something that is absolutely not the thing that you are stuck and and let that go let that roll and sort of let your mind just sit quietly on its own with whatever is blocking you with whatever’s got you paralyzed and then at some point gently bring yourself back and say okay you know what let’s try to put one foot in front of the other but keep the pressure low figure I’m going to come in and write a sentence and that’s great if you write this is awesome and if you can’t it’s okay you know that you tried your best gym I set it aside and come back to it tomorrow just you know when the last thing you should do like if a person is stuck and they’re terrified and they’re paralyzed in the middle of the road the last thing you want to do is flex shot at them and buried them and beat them you wouldn’t do that to another person so don’t don’t do that to you and just try to be try to be gentle take the pressure off and then you know eventually just keep keep on going don’t give up but but do it in a compassionate way I love you you know what what did it came up earlier when when you were reading was did you ever see that movie Pump Up the Volume. Yeah absolutely not so subtle influence I don’t think I’m actually thought of it I suspect if there’s an ambulance there it’s pretty subconscious but hey you know that sometimes you’re the best influences are like it’s so dorky but I really feel like like sexually formed me a great deal was a member of Bram Stoker’s Dracula back in the early 90s with my friends and it blew my head off just so many difference depictions of sexuality in and female sexuality particularly in that won between Mena and and Lucy in that the brides and stuff and I just remember like actively consciously identifying with each one of them in very different ways and it was the first time I had archetypes to apply to myself and so that’s that’s always been like if I were if I were to say that one spell more sort of 1 narrative performance really ended up I die really really like imprinted hard on that movie as flawed as it is and it’s you know it’s not but man that really did that not one nailed me hard and then and then different definitely Pump Up the Volume was in there and like Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman and just yeah definitely very very end times you doing that one was so creepy you know going back and watching that you know her performances as a Selina Kyle and Callum is just heartbreaking you know that the degree to which she you know she was divided you know and how she couldn’t she couldn’t have it both felt equally at the same time and then she’s got this creepy little dude Raggedy Ann it’s really as it’s fascinating it’s it’s it’s fun going back and watching these movies like I’m going to go back and watch some of the movies now that you mention it cuz that one is to totally yeah she’s real glimpse into that where you located at approximately it’s a culture shock to drive across the country for sure I had before then I live just in the Bay Area and New York and La just cuz that’s where I went to school and where I ended up working and stuff and little live live in Texas for 9 months is completely outside of my experience that it was one of the most like I think I was one of the most profound growth experiences of my life was just realizing that my little bubble was very much a bubble and that’s no beyond that were people that had completely different sets of values religious beliefs spiritual beliefs sexual beliefs and ways of living and that you know there was a vast vast difference between us ideologically speaking and yet there was a shared Humanity there and that was like some serious I’m serious at I opening that I’d I really need it at that point of my life wow this is making me want to go and do some deep cover tantric makeovers on small towns without even using the word yeah I feel like very capable of being a social chameleon and building rapport I’ve been touring the country and bands for years so you know you have to get an answer is in punk rock band you show up at the diner at the gas stations in but they’re used to it because there’s so many bands touring and you know I said but it’s it’s always a Charming endearing and sometimes facially deformed you know I mean seriously to the inbreeding get it it’s hard to hide in some of those places in a it’s pretty shocking but but yeah the struggles of women and you know the all of the expressions of even square dancing and things like that I feel like there’s they’re accessing Shakti and goddess worshiping expressing sexuality in ways that it it’ll it’ll find a way to be expressed even if it’s actively repressed through the church or whatever. Just curious now to take take that lends outlet for it and what outlet for that Sexual Energy or a sexual self-awareness is shut off by buying institution and it doesn’t make it go away it’s you know so where did where did it go what happens to as a manifest and other places Gina does it get does it find healthy expression somewhere else like you know in in church choirs are in orange square dancing or in you don’t really great cooking or does it get twisted and assertive harmful and perverted you know by being suppressed you known and how does that what happens to it because it’s it’s not like it’s just going to disappear it still has got to be a gay country music band out there somewhere it’s it’s cliche to like every form of Music except country but I actually I had I know nothing about the artist that don’t listen to it on the radio but I every time I hear it I do feel like well that’s the voice of the Goddess speaking through men being vulnerable in the only way that they can be and get away with it for sneaking it out through there through the yeah it’s it’s it’s a feminine Arts a very hurtful way of expression that they couldn’t get away with in any other sector like flat-out like open the expressed pain in so many country songs you know floss and pain and disappointment in and you don’t like in an Unapologetic it’s not cynical it’s it’s just you know it’s just they’re putting it out there cuz it’s you know the reality and you don’t get that and a lot of in a lot of areas I think of that sort of that that’s license that’s like the culture that sort of maybe more religiously influenced culture you don’t get it as much but that’s super true should we got a few minutes last time and I just enjoy this very eyeshadow get to relax and be is is I feel like we just drink tea or at a beer or something it was was not like my typical extreme activism turn the whole world upside down analyze everything with a sense of urgency is definitely usually like when I do interviews it’s not as it’s just not as like Melo I know what do you want to get to do whatever you like to shout out and hype and promote your website and best ways for people to to connect and then if you have any any words you want to share things people should look out for it and it’s all you can find me on social media and I’m so you can get me there at ball and MJ names and on my website you can certify me find all the other places where I am so my website the Great One Stop Shop there and that’s www.njnews.com m a l i n j a m e s. Com and the collection Roadhouse Blues is going to be coming out this summer with go deeper press and they’re awesome I just want to throw that out there by the way they are super amazingly sex-positive amazing activism just there an amazing publisher so I would definitely definitely say even if I wasn’t I didn’t have a book for coming with him I’d say check them out to their boss in there it goes deeper press.com and Zoe at the collection is Roadhouse Blues it’ll be coming out I’ll be on a book and paperback and probably available on Amazon and all those normal places and you have basically I guess I guess but the last thing I would say is just the world right now is is rough people are really struggling in the world is always rough but it feels like in the past few months things have gotten so that it’s gotten heightened up so you know just anything anything you can do to sort of find out find a place of empathy with other people’s experiences try to even if you don’t agree to try to understand where they’re coming from and and communicate Your Truth as as effectively and compassionately as possible I feel like that’s super important right now is there more people understand each other at the less I was going to get demonized and we could do with a lot less demonizing each other so thank you for the words and I guess there’s one thing I’d like to to ask for you to share about what you’ll be you know for the people who are just be more line on digital forms of texting all of that you know I if you could give it a sort of a Aroma to romanticize print media and book reading a little bit if you have any like a public you know a public service announcement around that and also I just the last thing I want to say is it a you have a great voice for spoken word I hope that you do read some audio books of your material if you haven’t already so that they can be used more easily to digestible for people who don’t have two hands to hold a book anymore cuz they’re on the computer all the time I was never thank you so much that’s really awesome compliment I’m hoping to do an audio book and read it myself because it’s it’s it’s fun I love it and I love audiobooks I love honestly I love books in pretty much every form you can get your hands on books like audio paper hardcover ebook whatever it is whatever your whatever your groove is you know go for it and enjoy enjoy the written word you know they’re amazing amazing stories just to be to be found on websites on podcast podcast I really enjoyed your pot has it been in but enjoying it so much I am a podcast just jumped and electronic media is a great place to do that so find you know figure out what you’re into and fell down the rabbit hole whichever rabbit hole that happens to be yeah dilate your attention span for an experience that isn’t just the Sound by sounds like so that’s cool I’m glad you’re saying that because then it’s not like because because Book Sales are going down in book stores are closing than writers are going extinct know they’re adapting and you’re adapting so thank you thank you for keeping the long version thank you I feel like hanging in there with the long version that’s it that’s a different kind of reward you know they did the sound bytes are good but if you can he can hang out there a little bit longer with whatever it is you’re reading then they’re worse than that to awesome alright then melon will thank you again for your time and we will definitely be in touch and I look forward to your work coming out like you for listening to the touch upon podcast please go to www.crunch.com and cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition to sustaining and improving the podcast your donations will help establish permaculture goddess temples every bite ecological employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episode if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email event at Tantra Punk. Com