This video is a trailer for a real dakini healing session, full video coming soon!
In this episode I have the great honor and pleasure of exploring the diverse and complimentary paths of two gay tantrikas in Canada, and discussing many intersections spirituality and sexuality
I view life as a school for love.
My life intention is to live in the heart of union…in the eternal oneness of now.
For over 30 years I’ve been sharing with others the practices I find most helpful to get out of the overloaded, busy mind, and connect more with the heart, breath and body, where unity and love live. It’s all about High Level Wellness…in body, heart and soul.
I have a special passion for sharing with other men what I’ve been learning about the deeper dimensions of intimacy, including full-body sensual massage, many practices drawn from Yoga and Tantra, and more recently the profound “Into Me See” of eye-gazing meditation and “We Space.”
Ziji is a facilitator at Men In Touch, teaching men skills and practices to deepen intimacy and integrate spirituality and sexuality. In addition, he is a tantric bodyworker, yoga instructor (RYT), organizer of the Ignite Festival (ignite-fest.com), and amateur queer scholar. He makes a home in Coast Salish Territory, Vancouver, and spends as much time at the nude beach as possible! Find him at gaymassagevancouver.com
My Non Verbatim Show Notes:
TP: why not rainbow tantra
S: vietnam veteran, out of air force 1972, bee line to berkeley
very free very open
discovered, alternative spirituality, blossoming then TM, massage, holistic practices, hatha yoga, beginning to become known, fringey
explore sexuality, tantra, contradicted all the catholic upbringing I had
spirituality/sexuality same energy expressed in different ways
opposite of christian belief
body impediments to spirtuality
intrigued 80s, bay area, aids epidemic, helpful if gay brothers were aware of practices that didn’t involve penetration, fluid exchange, much more about subtle energy,
started workshops, 1987, 33 years
thrilling to watch men discover more layers of intimacy
Z: I’m much younger, about almost 4 decades, grew up in different context, calgary, alberta, suburban, typical suburban conservative culture
turned to spirituality, early 20s, tibetan buddhist
monastery 2 years, nova scotia
separate from sexual life
moved to vancouver, 8 years ago
exploring, alternative things
going to sequia’s workshop, men in touch workshop about massage
attended that workshop, transformative experience, all this stuff I had learned, practice, in that non sexual context of spirituality
unified it with whole other dimension of being, becoming more important to myself
starting to discover power of sexuality
met about 7 years ago, had profound connection
personal, year or so, invited to co-teach
co-facilitating, weekly classes in vancouver, retreats, rural areas, every year festival, last 3 years, annual festival ignite festival, a lot going on, a lot of fun
S: mostly what I came to experience, sexual explorations in bay area, men
level of intimacy felt shallow, getting hard, getting off, didn’t satisfy something in me, seemed like fast food
intuition, past lives, knowingness something more, keen to keep exploring tantra, one workshop, bay area 70s
berkeley guy about my age, joe kramer
same classes, m chia, multi orgasmic man
microcosmit orbit, fascinating, moving energy, both sexual and spiritual
joseph, convo, similar interests, created body electric school, life changing for many people, pioneering, presenting workshop around conscious sexuality
less sexual more meditative and sensual
met wonderful guy in sf, body work as I had been, different kinds of movement classes, yoga for gay men, dance like stuff
doug fraiser, conversation, decided to collaborate, events called light tough retreats for loving me, weekend retreats bay area, near seattle
full body sensual eroticism, more meditative than goal oriented
ziji, been collaborating, delighted where he’s been taking our work, I’m 75, ziji 34, radical direction, just dozen guys at a time, ziji, taking it virtual, planet wide
z: mostly been working with classes retreats, beautiful containers, men go deeply, came across other modality, other container, festival, different experience, more people, usually not one container, people are popping in and out of workshops, different experience, neither better than other
offering ignite festival, last 2 years, in person, vancouver, this year got cancelled, covid, decided to do it virtual
ignite festival, online, unexpectedly all over the world, joining festival,
people from every continent, really quite and amazing experience to have that
always been more local, regional, beautiful experience
inspiration came to us, do offer really truly global festival, partnered with man in berlin, singapore, each taking 1/3 of the world, 24 hour a day festival, people can join in
invite many teachers, plurality, organizing it
invite teachers from body electric, not necessarily around sacred sexuality,
emotional, embodiment practices, etc.
no plans to be doing this kind of thing, silver linings of covid epidemic, new models, new ways of connecting
S: I would say focus of everything we do is exploring for me, many levels of intimacy, men tendency go for groin, pleasure of that so obvious in male body
ziji and I both discovered, emotional communication, meditative presence, loving kindness meditation, self, partner, group setting, level of compassion into intimacy, whole realm rarely considered
realms of intimacy, exploring
TP: great to hear,
both of you familiar with gay tantra, william shindler, one of my favorites, recommend for any seeker of tantric path how well, beyond sexual components, spiritual development components, transliterated for people not versed in hinduism, sanskrit, or yoga
get a sense of what they would be signing themselves up for
interesting point made, astute sanskrit scholar, one of foremost folks to have facts straight, promoting idea, notion, false dichotomy
paraphrase, within divine marriage, channel divine masculine, divine feminine, whatever ratio, share with partner or group
no reason people of same sex can’t feel obliged to consider themselves the complete circuit
no mention of gay in the tantras
temples sculptures, you see female bisexuality in service to men
have you explored or found interesting artwork, statues, classical tantra, guidance for people of diverse sexualities to explore these archetypes, energies in same sex context
S: tantra, oral tradition, guru to disciple, sexual aspects, less overt, less widespread, left handed path, less widely known, haven’t come across much in ancient writings, not scholar
not much written reference, studied with rudy balantime, swami rama, india, background in tantras, rudy bisexual, late 70s, tantra tradition see shiva shakti as symbolic, not literal,
man and woman can embody, so can to men, two women, inner alchemy, not matter what our plumbing, embody, all aspects of gender, express in love making, no matter gender of partner
exercises, meditations, inner marriage, inner shiva/shakti
Z: agree with everything, different dimension, concept of queer erasure in history, so often queer love is seen as counter/dangerous to narrative of normal society, to different degrees in different cultures, my own personal historical knowledge, from western tradition, prechristian cultures, also a lot of cultural differences the way we talk about relationships, queer love relationship would perhaps be quite different
spoken about quite differently , modern readers, may see or understand what is being written,
the story of achelles, partner, long stories about these too, never referred to them as fact they had sex, lovers per se, so often express their love for one another, brotherly love, comrades in arms
kind of like, from a historical perspective, how do we read history, to what degree are we imposing on history
missing from what’s been written, complicated topic
experience of tantras, not much written down, aware at least in tibetan context, guru disciple relationship, incredibly intimate, seldom written down
tibetan contenxt, patriarchal, male teacher, male student, would not be surprised, if using sexual energy as one of transmissions of teaching
homosexuality in tibetan monasteries well documented, not in ancient times, last 100 years, more exposed to the world
definitely happening, question of how do it get spoken about
TP: thank you so much, so well said, maybe somebody has been studying, great project for anybody who’s got researchto
lesbian desire in ancient and modern india, high on my book list, hope that will shed some light on good stuff
it breaks my heart when I hear people say, I want to do tantra but it’s only for straight people
curious about, what is the tantra community scene, millieu like in canada, different laws around sex work, cannabis, maybe other entheogens, a bit of a report on if anything very interesting about cultural climate, setting your in, insight into that life style there
S: started life in us vietnam vet, fell in love with vancouver in late 80s, smitten by city
90, still in love with city as years ago
somewhat more permissive culture
cannabis, tacitly accepted,
laws about sexuality, less enforced
hasn’t been kind of religious fervor that often occurs in us around laws around sexual behavior
erotic massage, began in berekley, felt safe, here feel even safer
appreciate that aspect of our culture here
Z: I would say, also in terms of sex work laws in canada, we’re currently scandanavian model, not illegal to sell sex work, somewhat illegal to market, buy, anything beyond selling is considered illegal
vancouver pd, statements, don’t enforce bilays pertaining to sex work, definitely see it quite differently,
not an idea system, decriminalization, main ideal target, overall
generally find, I feel much more comfortable being here than in america
more pacific northwest, more people from seattle, portland from anywhere in eastern canada, even alberta
can’t speak for rest of canada, some folks doing gay tantra in toronto,
a little bit happening in montreal as well too, it’s happening, it feels like most of the gay tantra work is still happening in other parts of the world
men in touch, also on forefront, canada as whole, doesn’t yet feel like a bastian, so speak of gay tantra
S: moved up from california, quite a bit less advanced around alternate spirituality, new map, tantra, has really changed in last 10 years,
going through facebook, social media,
part of whole west coast culture
vancouver very much part of that
put down, all the fruits and nuts roll west,
west coast much more progressive, in canada as well as us
TP: good to know
people up there already make some use of that intel, hoping that canada will lead north america in full legalization of sex work, know of efforts to keep rocking that boat,
I was a little bit more excited than I should have been, fine print, not friendly to both sides of transaction, consumer buyer, sex buyer, consumer of erotic services
lobbying, grass roots stuff, ?
S: in general we have to really hand it to the women, women in sex work, activist, most vocal, done the most to even get us this far, continues, women are most severely impacted by sex work laws, urgent crisis and need, safety livelihoods
Z: pushback, people are pushing the govt
if it’s every gonna happen in canada, be with more progressive govt
sex work law is always kinda not most important, not on minds of middle class, most people, base of these parties, unfortunately gets shelved
S: people hassled by police, walking the streets, neighbors call
other than that, when sex work is not in peoples faces who don’t want to see it, police not being proactive to go out and enforce it, different from us, entrapment
TP: fosta/cesta, tantrikas doing body work, whole spectrum everybody posting ads, backpage, craigslist, shut down, witch hunt, the internet policing of marketing on line, light touch, don’t bother you, hang shingle on line, not creating public nuisance, out of side out of mind
Z: have my own website, private practice, gaymassagevancouver.com
pretty obvious what it is I’m offering, not that cloaked, don’t feel afraid about that, more the effect is in, there’s still stigma, in our society around it, for example, would not want my neighbors knowing about the work I do, not illegal, but people can still make life very difficult
tread carefully around, not being public nuisance, not legal perspective, neighbors, land lords, have a lot of power over me as a renter
how much canada can have an effect on us
previous prime minister
decriminalized homosexuality, 1969
test lab for us, more progressive policies, us politicians, hmm looks like it’s working, maybe we’ll try it down here
TP: thanks for sharing, chills, wow, what an epic and brave, want to book up on history of that moment, rare, goes back, that was the magical year, a lot of good stuff happened
curious to what extent, language, tool kit, together, separately, neo tantra, extrapolating from modern gurus lineages, dance with translating teachings to offerings in modern world
adapt, relanguage, gay tantric perspective, notion of helping facilitate kundalini activation, initiation, riding the snake, wild ride of energy
why and how it erupts, orthodoxy around straight, tantric practices, not short cut but juicier way than sitting with hands folded, by yourself
how would you approach it, romance with kundalini shakti vibe
S: close to my heart, introduced to kundalini, Baba Muktananda, guru traveled world several times 70s and 80s
activating people’s kundalini, directly through shaktipat
had taste in that experience about kundalini awakening,
own that this is very phallocentric, perspective, like to view, with other gay men, entire energy body as phallus, penis, let energy build up from pelvis to crown
ejaculation out the crown of the head, fountain flow, energy thighs, genitals, through chakras, caress energy, up the middle, up and out
partners, massage table use that format, take people into new consciousness, kundalini as useful metaphor probably is that be definitely energy does shift, working with that intention, instead of conventional ejaculation
TP: really healing and sweet, people feel like they’re not gonna be missing out, or left out or excluded
Z: my take on that is, just to kind of also balance that out, important to be having energetic experiences, also large portion of our work, different dimension, learning how to deepen intimacy, different quality, not usually as intensely sensory, energetic in that way, much more, other skills we’re trying to encourage, what does it mean to really be with somebody, be energetically kind of connected, recently last couple years, new concept of we space meditation, subtle states of shared consciousness, could include touch, not required
to me, my interest is more like, that feels to me like the real interesting part, one thing to have personal experience within own body, somebody’s massaging you, activating you, energetic release, beautiful experience, fruition of that, gone through kundalini awakening, has to have some sort of effect on us, when we moved the energy that way, can come into deeper states of clarity, stillness, presence,
fruition, communicates beyond just personal experience
TP: awesome, vagina monologues had pansexual tantra meed up in la, kundalini monologues, hopefully will take off some day, great time, different stories, so many, wow, lot of good stuff, definitely some horror stories too
Z: key, how do you create safe container for people to be experiencing these experiences, enough structure, to digest experience, otherwise, profoundly disorienting kind of experience
S: one of the tools learned early on in 70s, tantra workshop, same sex, all male tantra workshop, stan russell, tools used back then, eye contact, breathing together simple
80s, body electric, incorporate a bit of that, never as much as I wanted, eye gazing powerful practice in and of its self
we space meditation, promoting form of meditation
gazing into partners eyes, can be done on zoom
being with partner, holding eye contact, attempting to describe verbally, what’s going on
quite an altered state that that leads to, ziji and I teaching
roots in tantra tradition, nothing to do overtly
connect deeply with romantic partners, total strangers
TP: beautiful thing, ancient practices techniques, occultism, cult of personality
west wants to secularize, messier, problematic, end up with more generalized, less cultural bound experience
adapted things like orgasmic meditation, may have had tantric training, indian gurus, to make it compute average multicultural western mind, strip away mythical archetypes, hindu mythological structures
we’ve salvaged in the west, western neo tantra, kundalini tradition, yoga asanas, general teaching, rarely offered, some experience, always seeking more, mudras, yantras, mantras, fundamental profound primal role, vibrations, sound, bija mantras, activating chakras, so much of that stuff, sometimes is very bound with religious dogma, archetypes, can also be more energetic, an anatomical energetic way of teaching
integrate or have reference upon mantras, mudras, in your offerings
S: tm, mantra based, Baba Muktananda kundalini awakening, om namah shivaya, so hum,
powerful, chanting of them find very transformative,
a little reluctant, people in west, wary, religiousity, hesitant to bring in too much, turn people off, almost always do oming, mantra, om
men in cirlce hug, ah sound, o, m, carry on for a while, quite wonderful, blend them, hear them unify over time
Z: personal background with tantra, not in hindu, tibetan buddhist, a lot of esoteric tantric teachings within
takes quite a bit of, understanding, background structure, communicate, what this tradition is trying to say, very personally rewarding, feels like a lot of pitfalls, possible misunderstandings that can take place, generally speaking I find, my work I really informed by that, not explicitly referring specific deities, mantras, esoteric sadhanas, or whatever
S: creating sacred space, one of ingredients we invite men to join us in, letting go of ordinary chit chat, most contant non verbal, set out of busy urban life for whole weekend, movement touch, conscious breathing, nonordinary state of consciousness, I hope informs the rest of their lives, states of consciousness are available,
TP: definitely so many different schools all over the east, probably all agree on, path of integrating pleasure for spiritual development, does the work of a 1000 mantras, touch, centeredness in moment, sensate focus,
advanced yogis, alluded, quality of attention and focus is what you’re going for, the actual prescribed numbers of repetitions, grading on the curve, lowest common denominators, to make sure they get in the fold
Z: one of last few tibetan teachers, trained in pre chinese, tibet, very revered, visiting monastery, giving teachings, one nugget
two paths to liberation the path of pain and the path of pleasure, most people take the path of pain, just laughed,
we are all about exploring the path of pleasure
TP: that says it all, love that so much
so great so fun to have round table on this, invite you back anytime, more deeply, promote, things available, to broader community world wide through internet, good to promote that stuff, shout out, for website
Z: main website, menintouch.org, ignite festival, ignite-fest.com, each have own private practice, gaymassagevancouver.com, sequia, growthinghealthier.com
In this episode I’m joined by Lucia Gabriela for a deep exploration of her personal tantric transformation and healing by walking a path of fire
Lucia Gabriela helps individuals and couples to master their life, relationships and intimacy with themselves and others.
Her passion is to create a safe and sacred space for women and men to deeply explore many aspects of themselves, purge emotional and/or sexual traumas that are holding them back from manifesting what they desire, heal their inner child, embrace their shadows, connect with their higher self, reconnect with their own body’s wisdom, align with their true essence, live their higher potential, and master their sexual life in all realms. They can then create their life with awareness, maturity, self responsibility, radical self-love, and full commitment to explore their sexual and spiritual evolution.
Lucia Gabriela specializes and works with individuals whose journey is to free themselves from emotional and sexual traumas, and helps them to reclaim their creative power, body, voice, sensuality and sexuality plus to welcome pleasure into their lives, creations and relationships.
My Non Verbatim Show Notes:
relationship and intimacy coach
help individuals struggling in relationship
go through different toxic relationships, marry multiple times, don’t know why they keep attracting same toxicity in life, help to break free from toxic patterns, behaviors, mindsets, energies
create relationship truly desire
deep level of intimacy, not carrying baggage in relationship
explore energy, consciousness, awareness, true self, deeper level
destroying what’s not serving us
path of fire, journey of fire
tantric principles, beautiful journey
reclaim power, voice, who they are here right now,
embrace, learn to love self at deeper level
work I do, I will say really excited, integrative somatic therapist
working with the mind, mindset, body, emotions, energy heart soul
multi dimensional part of self
release traumas, stories that are stuck in our body
blocking our energies
creative self, kundalini system, sometimes block root chakra, sacral, naval, power is,
power also in heart, power to be in body of humanity, grounded rooted, moving forward, safe secure, so many blockages we have in those areas
somatic work, releasing energy blocking you
releasing emotions blocking you
so passionate about work I do, why I help individuals and couples
younger age myself, able to explore different realms of shamanism, energy, grew up in ecuador, home country
exposed to different aspects of life, of healing
same time, integrative holistic homeopathic home, that was my medicine, doctors holistic
fascinating, developed cancer at age of 15, family in shock, how did this happen
I knew reason, as a child, age of 5, didn’t fit in on this planet, called myself alien, not from this planet, couldn’t understand why people were so violent, abuse
family was holistic, spiritual, catholic, good food, natural food,
aspect of irony, very emotionally abusive environment
everything looking good, even sexuality, very open, about sexuality, nudity, about men walking naked in house
very interesting, great elements placed in my life, emotional part, missing out
became suicidal for 10 years, used to pray for the bad for me, pray for I don’t want to live, I want god to take me away
look at stars, when are you guys coming to pick me up, I can’t be on this planet any longer, in this body
feeling pain and suffering from other people
cancer, knew it was because I was asking that for myself
when it happened, discovered through appendix, pain in appendix in middle of night
heard voice, you asked to die, this is a taste of it, in shock
I asked this my whole life, now facing death, unknown pain, healthy girl, sports, competitive sports, eating healthy, doctor says I’m good
so good, camo emotional pain
this cannot be, I have my mom, my sister to take care of, at that age, I became the protector of my mom and sister from dad abuse
tough girl, stand up to dad, put him in place
shocking to be like, what’s gonna happen to my family if I leave this planet
wake up call, where is this going
I have to live, I have a purpose to live now
through that journey, went into deeper levels of spiritualism
candles, energy, homeopathic, still wasn’t integrated, still wasn’t there for me at my core
journey for 2 years, exploring and learning gnosis
science of knowledge, through journey, explore tantra, kama sutra, buddhism, hinduism, languages, golden languages, meditation, breath work, kundalini
beautiful healing process
didn’t go through kemo, radiation, any protocols, blessed at age of 15, recommended surgery, wanted to remove organs, live rest of life with feeding tube, probably wouldn’t be a live,
no I’m not doing that
path of holistic medicine
gonna heal it
I know why I did it, I know what’s going on, I’m gonna heal it
doctor looked at me like somebody possessed me
knew at that moment, my emotions that need to change, change perspective of life
must come to agreement with my body, be in harmony with myself
live in integrity with feeling
be able to be myself and love myself
love why I’m here
have a purpose in life
purpose to be on this planet
not waiting for alien friend to come pick me up
I’m hear on earth for a purpose, here to create something amazing, I’m gonna get there
that was the first awakening, catalyst during my life
we can study everything
all these books, watch all these videos, all these podcasts, and everything, information is great, but is not all of it
always excited to share with people, its important for us to take what we’re learning
look for message
integrate in life
takes time for us to really truly integrate what we have learned, experienced, discovered about ourselves
owners of our life
own knowledge we’ve been exposed to
what happened is that I moved to the us
knowledge of relationships
another wake up call
discovered self to go into insecure self, being loved
wanted to be chose, seen, got infatuated
seeing this person as my prince on white horse, rescue me of something
new in country didn’t speak english that well, husband was prince
used my own knowledge about energy
magic rituals, law of attraction, candles, crystals, influence energy, do moon rituals to make this person want me and chose me and love me, send gifts, messages
ended up with this person, had child, being married
7 years together, one of most toxic relationships of my life,
younger said I would never marry someone like my father
learning about boundaries, awareness, psyche, attracted so one who was very nice on the surface, deeper level anger issues, shadows
we all have shadows
integrate shadows to be able to heal
very toxic abusive relationship, after separation, process of divorce, domestic violence, custody
I was so infatuated, own power of influence, rituals, white magic, bring somebody in my life, happened to be I was actually doing dark magic against myself
karma got back to me really bad
not just toxicity we create being our selves, toxicity we allow other people to vomit on us when they have own issues own struggles
been working past 35 years of my life, turn 40 this year, awareness of emotions energy,
how we relating, what we’re creating, taking full responsibility for everything
get out of victimhood, step into empowered self
to be integrity, responsible, accountable
now in beautiful relationship, partnership
very blessed to have partner that is aware and conscious
past 5 years, explore things about myself, shadows, holding space
a person who has learned with me, together, hold space for our struggles
our shadows, darkness, weakness, strength
be there for each other, hold each other accountable, if we fuck it up
coming from place of love, seeing other person as amazing incredible being that they are
everything I create is based on what I have gone through in my own life
do share and teach and coach from what I have learned in my own life, 90% of my work, the remain from amazing mentors in my life
that’s my story
I am in this beautiful space, even though covid-19, beautiful space, grateful I have the tools to hold space for my emotions and feelings and allow myself to get upset, frustrated, tools for going from one energetic field to the next one, not suppress anything in my body
one of biggest issues, society, suppress everything, numb ourselves, alcohol, drugs
may not be prepared to face what must be faced
that is who I am,
here to answer any questions that you may have, conversation can be juicy
TP: archetypal, what humanity’s been going through
where do you feel the word patriarchy, critique of toxic masculine, be interested to hear about,
sophisticated analysis of the paradox of all these blessings, cursings, slight imbalance can take hold, skew path
antedote is in poison, wounded healer, personal insight, move people with your story, help them move beyond
meta narrative, story of how this world became as toxic as it is, environment, businesses, government, businesses collude, macro force, part of your story?
Tantric story of goddess, shiva shakti, demons in tantra, goddesses have to fight them with their powers, very symbolic of this imbalance of those energies
thoughts, how did we get here to this point of hell on earth
LG: I would say, we are actually living, hell is the most amazing place to purge what is not actually us, hell as the place where we can really learn so much about our self, blessing in there, really learn to know, what are we really made of, what are not made of
when it comes to working with masculine, feminine, patriarchy, matriarchy,
earth level, aspect of separation and division, polarized so many things, separation, division, see somebody that does not look like us, a lot of conditioning, programming happening, masculine, feminine, woman man, patriarchy, matriarchy, put ourselves in boxes, can’t really see the greater picture
I address aspect, not much of masculine feminine, see it from a more cosmic universal perspective, permission to feel energy, feel space, feels and vibration as they are without giving them any definition, naming, title
I have run close to 300 live events, at the beginning of running tantric events, working with masculine/feminine, many books, backgrounds tell us masculine is this way, feminine is this way
females crazy, chaotic, masculine more grounded
when we go from that perspective, we’re really conditioning everyone to act in a certain way, put people in boxes, even spirit in box, spirit can not be contained in a box
experiment, guide amazing people at events, festival, clearing statements, destroying all beliefs, everything we have learned, read, knowledge about masculine feminine, female male,
clear the energetic field in our space, to feel without description
very fascinating, okay invite you tap into your masculine, switch to feminine
honoring both aspects of self
feedback from people
when they got into the essence of space of just feeling the energy of masculine, totally opposite of what the book said, had this energy, that would be recognized as feminine, many times concept of feminine, feeling this energy supposed to be energies of masculine
the more we did this, did with myself, feeling in own body, recognizing masculine/feminine within myself
energies would flow, same and equal
on thing I got one of my meditation practices, degree of difference, related to the mind,
mind was the one that created the degree of difference, put in boxes
fascinating to explore that for years
honor concept of masculine and feminine, great beginning to start, but it’s not all this, so much more than that
invite individuals to come to source
come out of that separation of divinity as god/goddess, come higher than that
helping individuals to start recognizing energies
one of greatest things I experienced in life
less judgement, less tension, less disagreement, more acceptance, more compassion
talking about energy
not saying you’re the man, you’re supposed to this, do that
because I’m not seeing my partner of a title, box, see my partner as a free being
master of his energetic field
partner be able to hold space, container, instead of saying be more of man, more of masculine, I would say I need support, hold a container
I hold huge containers, working with trauma, must hold strong container
talk about aspect of energy, alignment with energies vs. what they’re supposed to do because of title
broader way of relating to somebody, do still address the aspect of conditioning about man and woman
thousands of years, patriarchy
we see dynamic, pretty much all about conflict of power,
programmed for thousands of years
getting out of programming
difference in gender, controlled in specific way, coming to this era of recognizing who we are more as a being, than gender
cosmic universal energies
no gender feelings. No polarization
energetic realms, really important for us to understand, yes we run into all these energies, universal energies, up to us which muscle we build
understand the psychological consequences of programming, who’s in power, who’s in control, who’s gonna dominate what
I would say more domineering, times
who feels that is lacking power, decides to control a population of society, vs their own struggles
I’m struggling and I don’t know my own power, I’m gonna be so domineering and toxic, control the one that’s weaker
the one that are strong I’m gonna make them weaker
fulfill own need of feeling important, significant, because I’m so disconnected from myself
what we’re seeing in society, a blessing in disguise
opportunity to see how much are we really disconnected from ourselves
TP: transcend gender binary, makes people defensive, partnership societies, now dominator societies, thousands of years, before there was more of a balance
first peoples, paleolithic peoples, hunter gatherers, different ways to look out how societies have evolved
when I discovered tantra, it worked for me compared to spiritual paths about austerity
tantra about passion, pleasure, full body experience
anthropology, return to balance of power
notion, idea that the simplist way I could explain tantra, dualistic dancing energies, can also be warring energies, within ourselves, inner marriage, inner alchemy, shiva, shakti, practice of tantra, kundalini rising, create triangle
two poles, meet at the apex of top of center of triangle, transcending the gender binary, merging into oneness with the god head/goddess
diagonal path, meet in the middle, be united, empowering narrative for transcending gender binaries, and so called war of the sexes
love that you’ve said the path of fire, first time of heard, beautiful way to do that inner work
do that shadow work
from your perspective what kind of paths of tantra have you explored, do you feel the promise is we can transcend duality
LG: fire is one of my favorite elements, my partner sometimes argue with me, really want to , there’s other path for alchemy
tantra, alchemical path, radical transformation of individual self, explore amazing awakening of sensuality, sexuality, pleasure, comes because we have to earn it, aspect of alchemy, we must earn it, element of fire
when you can look at the elements, water, destroy, wind destroy, hurricane, tornado, leave debris, chaos behind, earthquake using earth, leave chaos behind, fire, ashes left behind,
if you decide to destroy something that is not serving, the fire will destroy it
even biblical times, bible, the humans ourselves, created from ashes, go back to ashes, created from the dust, go back to dust, created from powder, go back to it
beautiful cycle, transform, must destroy, purity fire can offer to us
path of tantra, path of fire and alchemy and transformation, evolution, what we must destroy is everything we know, think we are, everything we are
allow ourselves to be reborn, into another aspect of ourself
TP: so honest, a lot of people in new age, want to sell some path, its usually they’re not forth right about the challenge of it, conflict, struggle, unpleasantness,
with tantra I appreciate the authenticity of it
marketing for people to want to clean up what they’ve been shoving under carpet to have incentive
combust toxic material, have greater love, warmth, the idea of composting, from gardening, turning your mind weeds into fertile soil for what you want to have their
emotions, thought forms
people running each other ragged in toxic relationships, that’s a lot of energy, could be used for magic, creativity, design, optimizing that
not all bliss bunnies
my friend said it best once, yeah people just want the “yums”
you won’t appreciate them unless you have the yucks too
LG: invite people to recognize, path of tantra, path of destruction, must embrace a destroyer, kali, a destroyer, for us to be able to plant a seed we must nurture the soil, but we have to destroy what was behind that, if you have weed on that soil, other things that doesn’t work, rock, you have to prepare it, that’s called destruction, destroy what was there to be able to prepare for what is coming,
we have to embrace the dark part of ourselves as destroyers, the shadow part of ourselves, really come to aspect of integration, tantra, shiva shakti, aspect of fusion, coming to oneness, cosmic universal unity that is so authentic, so connected with everything
beyond the matrix, beyond the cosmic, feel the heart beat of another planet, of orion, of another cosmos
connected to that realm, integration, fusion
same aspect must happen with dark and light
learning to love ourselves and our darkness, our shadow, learning to appreciate power of shadow, power of light
not about being a pleasure seeker, tantra about being an alchemical seeker
being of integrative evolution
not just about g-spot, orgasm, teach sex magic, yeah we can do that
but I have an awareness, I can teach you have to have great sex, kama sutra, how to touch the body, how to, techniques
TP: great introduction, riveted, a lot more to explore in future episodes,anything you want to share,
LG: luciagabriela.com, webinars, love after toxic relationship, online classes around how to create boundaries, manage and go from triggered to bliss, how to go from that experience to feeling more blissful, creating sensual alchemist training program
learning to embody sensuality, different aspect of archetype, also with shadows, powerful deep journey, decide to go deeper, go to core of what holding you back, stopping you from being who you are, intake form fill out, discovery call, complementary, see how I can help you, invitation is there
TP: blessed way to start my day, glad we’ve been about to connect, moving forward through time of crisis, take this time to start to do that work, reach out to folks doing this great work
This video depicts a tantric breast massage in a salt water bath featuring Maya Rati and the track Om Namah Shivaya, lyrics are below:
From my Shiva
To your Shakti
I will support you
When you need me
From my Shiva
To your Shakti
I take your pain away
With divine healing
Om Namah Shivaya
Om Namah Shivaya
Om Namah Shivaya
Om Namah Shivaya
Close your eyes
Where ever you are
Take a deep breath,
Feel my hands on your heart
I hold you close
Warmth from my breath
Sends shivers down your spine
I turn you around
Look into your eyes
Your smile grows wide
In the moments
When you feel alone
Remember our dance
Is your eternal home
In this episode I share an erotic hypnosis program created by Ravyn Ryder for men to develop tantric sexual mastery
Please visit her website:
Ravyn Ryder is an Erotic Artist, Writer, and Sensual Educator. She has worked in the past professionally with men, women and couples as a Sensual Bodyworker, Dakini, Dominatrix, Courtesan and Long-Term Companion.
She is the creatrix of Body Ryding®, a sensual massage training sequence used to empower women by teaching erotic body slides, full body massage and the art of seduction.
She is a trained Tantric Educator and is a certified Practitioner and Trainer in the Art of Bondassage®. She has studied Swedish, Thai, Lomi Lomi, and Tantric massage with amazing healers all over the world.
She has worked with Shaman’s in Central and South America doing entheogenic medicine work in constant pursuit of personal growth and eager humbleness to learn more about the divine inner and outer universe. She has just recently returned from a 4 month stint in Central America and with a desire to shed light on both the beautiful and ugly complexities of healing with plant medicines, she is working on her first novel—an intimate memoir of her recent experience.
She has a degree in Behavioral Science with a minor in Marketing. She is a certified Life Coach, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Practitioner and is trained in Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Along with bodywork and training, she offers personal coaching to men, women and couples desiring to cultivate more pleasure in their lives.
Why Get Off When You Can Stay On and Get High?
Everyday we wake up with renewed sexual energy, and we’re driven by the need to do something with it. What does it want to do? It wants to connect with other consenting age-appropriate human beings in as free, open, loving, and wild a way possible. It wants to get us high, heal our bodies, blast us into hyperspace, take us for a trip across the astral plane, keep us peaceful, careful, loving, and kind, bind couples and communities together, drive procreation, and more.
Unfortunately the dominant culture has denied this energy, dammed its flow, and damned its spirit to hell. Virtually everyone in our culture is sexually dysfunctional, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The resulting sickness manifests subtly and overtly in all domains. Much of what is toxic, unsustainable, and harmful in modern civilization can be thought of as the physical manifestation of misdirected sexual energy. When we train our minds and bodies to embrace and cultivate this energy we can build more ethical economic systems, more sustainable infrastructure, and have more compassionate public policy and diplomacy. Instead of trashing the finite planet to build empires of ego, we can build palaces of transcendent pleasure in infinite spiritual realms, right from the comfort of our own bedrooms. Frustrated, angry sublimation can be transmuted to blissful flowing superlimation.
Here are some practical steps for men:
Without self love, most people are love deficient, they have a hole that they’re trying to fill, rather than an overflowing abundance that they’re eager to share.
For most of my life I lived without self love. I didn’t think it could be cultivated from within, I thought I needed it to be imported from the outside. Through serious pain, heart-break, and study I learned how and why to self-love. From compliments to the mirror, to medibation (masturbation + meditation), to getting fit, to eating right, to educating myself, I learned to take an active interest in myself so that when I hear the song “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode, I sing “All I ever wanted, all I ever needed…” to myself, “here in my arms”…me! Without that glowing self love, where you stand tall, with good posture, happy for no reason, content, calm, peaceful, energetic, you can’t attract what you really want. Attraction is a factor of energy. You can be skinny and be unattractive if you’re spirit is faded and you don’t love yourself. Conversely, you can be large and be an electro-magnet because you love yourself and it excites and turns people on. It’s not a matter of how tight the skin is to the bones, it’s a matter of how tight the spirit is to the flesh. The spirit’s food is love, feed it everyday with a life-long romance with yourself, your body, your mind. Your spirit will stay with you and turn heads for you. Crouch like a pretzel in the corner, let your spirit fade, and dwell in the shadow of negative self talk, and self-conceived ugliness, and you will not attract anyone, or whoever you do attract will be of like-vibration, you’ll attract another pain-bodied self-hating energy vampire and you’ll perpetually make life hell for each other.
The simplest way I can put it is to use the cultural construct of the “dream man” or “dream woman”. At one point I said to myself, wait a minute, if I’m this toxic mess of deprivation and clingy, needy desire, and I want some angelic princess to come along and rescue me and make me happy, and be perfect, and never upset me, or change, well, only change to be exactly the way I want her of course…isn’t something missing from the picture? That’s an ugly picture, beauty and the beast! I realized that, the dream love I wanted was a two way street. I had to love myself just as much, I had to be my dream self, or at least know what that was and be working towards it. So I built the vision in my mind of my dream self, and without waiting for someone to rescue me, I went to work, broke out of my shell of self-pity and started to build the dream me. I’ll never be done, because as I grow I want to grow more, but as long as I’m growing, I’m not dying and the mirror gets more and more forgiving and loving. Not just because of physical work, but because of spiritual, intellectual, and emotional work.
In this heart-broken and self-esteem broken society, the mirror is your worst enemy but it can become your best friend no matter what anyone else says about your appearance. It can be a tool to develop a relationship with yourself, your first and only truly life-long relationship. You can go through a million partners, but you’ll always have to face yourself, sleep with yourself, argue with yourself, put up with yourself. The mirror can be a tool for building that abundance of love, from the inside out that you can share with the world.
By training I mostly mean masturbation, or preferably medibation (masturbation + meditation). For men, if you’re not “getting laid” you better be staying in shape by masturbating not just to get off and get on with life, but rather to make love to yourself with similar time, focus, and attention, as you’d give to the act of love with a partner. Not only is it necessary to maintain “stamina” by mastering the art of riding the edge of climax and drawing the energy through the body with breath and self massage, but it’s necessary to keep your body lit up with erotic energy.
If you’re not in a partnership where sex is shared regularly, maintaining a healthy regular loving relationship with yourself keeps your wiring and gears from rusting and locking up.
Also the power to do sex magic is as potent (though perhaps not as powerful) alone as with a partner. Think about it, when stimulating yourself you’re raising all of this energy into and through your system, whatever thoughts/visions/ideas/desires are in your mind can and should be energized as well. Whether you need to psyche yourself out to remember the study questions for the mid-term, of you’re trying to manifest a new job, or a new lover, why waste the energy by just consuming porn or fantasizing about some cover-girl?
The Love of a Lover
I think you can have great sex with strangers, it’s not very safe, fulfilling, or sustainable, and it can’t get you as high as with a true lover. Developing love first is always a better way to go in my opinion because there can be trust, comfort, relaxation, safety and other ingredients listed below.
So here are few notes on the love of a lover. It’s actually easier to love oneself it seems because you’re in total control of your decisions (unless you’re dominated by addictive behavior, then you’re basically in a toxic relationship with yourself). In relationships, a tension builds over time around all the resentment over little things, the disagreements, power struggles, compromises, annoyances, etc. If that energy isn’t carefully managed and flushed properly, it can back up into the bedroom and toxify the sexual environment. Even worse, sex can be manipulated as a weapon to seek justice or revenge for problems in other domains of the relationship. It can be withheld, or faked, or just done without passion or spirit and be lame. Either partner can find ways to poison the sacred union both intentionally and unintentionally.
In my experience and study, there are a few key patterns in relationships that have to be carefully guarded against. And there are a few practices that have to be religiously maintained in order for healthy, ecstatic sex to be shared.
First I want to describe the typical love curve. For most couples, high states of ecstasy are easily achieved early on because the love is fresh, exciting, and new. There is heightened curiosity, passion, romance, and both partners are on their best behavior, they haven’t yet fought, their lives aren’t yet entangled, they haven’t had to work through issues or compromise on much. This “Cloud 9” high, is great, but it doesn’t last. It’s a true neuro-chemical drug-induced state that sooner or later you “come down” from and reality comes crashing back in. True mastery of love would be to know how to re-access these chemical states and actually enhance them over time as the relationship grows. The difference after the initial free high wares off, is that you have to give more energy and attention to sustain it, and consistently purify the relationship with fun, adventure, novelty, creativity, and most importantly, open hearted communication.
In our culture of instant gratification, cheap thrills, and no work ethic, most people stay perpetually stuck in the “thrill of the chase” stage where you play “the game” of building up a flirtatious and seductive fling. You’re getting high on the excitement of pursuit, there’s uncertainty and the possibility for failure which keeps you on your toes. You play the game and once you win, that is, once you actually hook up, have sex, and start hanging out, the excitement disappears. It becomes easy, mundane, expected, the chase is over, the thrill is gone. So what do you do, you trail off in communications, you stop being responsive, you fade away and begin again with another prey. Men and women do this all the time, usually leaving a broken-hearted victim.
It makes sense in a way because once that 2 week to 2 month easy high wears off, building a lasting love requires disciplined effort, and all of the ugliness of each person starts to creep out. It makes perfect sense, but it also keeps people in perpetual immaturity. Why do people get stuck in the addictive “chase” cycle, because they lack the patience and discipline to really apply themselves to build real love. The lack of true love, and shallowness of constant flings means ultimate lack of fulfillment and unhappiness, and often the inability to experience the highest states of ecstasy.
I’ve basically tried to establish this phenomenon of the love curve. We’re all some where along it. The goal I think should be to understand it, and find ways to healthily work through it so that it’s more evenly spaced. For example, in a long term relationship, when the initial spike drops, expect it, be aware of it, and don’t think that the love is dead, just know that like a garden, it will die if not properly maintained with TLC. So many couples are sexless for decades, then shell out thousands of dollars to therapists just so they can re-ignite that initial romantic passion. The next time you fall in love, keep a dairy together and take good notes on what felt the best so you’ll have a bread crumb trail to follow when times get tough.
Every person has certain stimuli that make them feel loved the most. It could be a word, a voice tonality, a touch, a place to visit, whatever it may be, the point is we need to know things like this about ourselves and our lovers, and we need to upkeep the practice of making one another feel loved. And we need to learn how to clear emotional space so that passion can be kept alive.
Again, like a garden, if you don’t properly bury the weeds and their seeds in sheet mulch, all the nutrients will be robbed and your crops will be grown over and buried alive. It’s easy to get lazy and let the weeds grow in relationships, so that you can’t even see what you originally planted. If you’re lucky it’s still there, but it’s going to be a hard job to clear it up and bring it into full production if you’ve let it go for a while. That’s why simple, steady, low-level maintenance is so important in love. Going back to the self love component, the more inner prep work you’ve done while alone, the less weeds will sprout in the garden of your love with a partner. With the right amount of preparation and maintenance you’ll be spending more time smelling each others flowers and tasting each others fruits than pulling each others weeds.
Just try to set the intention with yourself and your lover to keep a burning desire for each other alive, and make sure to have combustible chemistry always. It’s not easy, don’t blame yourself or your partner if it fades. The dropping off of the curve is natural, accept it and put effort into pushing it up to ever-higher levels! I great formula for sustaining healthy long-term relationships that I’ve learned and practiced is: daily affection, weekly date-nights, and monthly romantic adventures. I’ve added a couple bonuses: on demand 5-10 minute cuddle breaks and on demand spontaneous dance breaks.
Your sex partner should be someone with whom you share similar life goals. The more aligned your ambitions are the more stable and fruitful the relationship will be. Falling in lust and building a relationship without a foundation of purpose can often be a recipe for disaster. Co-creative synergy should be as important in selecting a mate as sexual chemistry and physical attractiveness.
Prayer and Intent
Before love making verbalize a shared intention, it could be to honor each other as divine beings, to deepen the love, or to achieve a specific outcome such as manifesting a promotion at work. Sacred sexuality involves sexualizing prayer and overcoming religious shame of carnal pleasure. Whatever names you use to call upon your God(s)/Goddess(es) of choice, addressing them in your love making ritual is essential. Many people exclaim “Oh My God” unconsciously throughout the act. In my experience, sexual energy is an amplifier of your prayers. If you want your prayers to make it to the top of the stack, state them clearly and believe fully that whatever request you make will be best received when packaged in a container of pure loving grace.
This is very subjective and variable. But to be safe, my experience and study tells me that for intercourse itself, 30 minutes or more is the optimal range for the magic to really happen. There are so many energetic and chemical currents, some raging, some very subtle, but they’re all epic in their development. The more time they have to flow, the more merging of consciousness can occur so that you become one unified vessel of blissful consciousness able to soar through higher dimensions.
Sacred Set and Setting
Creating a magical altar, lighting candles, burning incense, playing music, wearing sensual clothing, etc. can anchor a sacred mindset and on a metaphysical level, serve to disinfect the environment. Ritualizing the build up to union creates an atmosphere where consciousness is focused, attention is undivided, and the body has the cues it needs for juices to flow and for arousal to occur gradually from a deeper level of being. You may choose to burn sage and call in by name whatever spiritual allies you are close to and command that all things that don’t serve the highest good be banished, be they negative emotions, energies, or entities. If this sounds too occult or hippie-ish, it’s easy enough to simply verbalize that you intend to create a field of pure love where nothing but the truth of bliss is welcome.
Bathing is one of the most sensual activities you can share together. It’s always recommended from a sexual health and hygiene perspective, beyond that it effectively sets up the “take turns” approach to giving and receiving pleasure.
Energy comes from proper eating habits, hydration, regular exercise, rest and the right attitude. Poor diet, dehydration, lack of movement, sleep deprivation and a negative attitude will rob you of energy. Huge meals before love making can obviously sap energy. Light meals at least a couple of our before love making is recommended and trays of fresh fruit, berries, nuts, chocolate, and other healthy sensual foods to snack on throughout a love making session are quite nice and help sustain energy levels.
Dancing is the art of making love before or without having sex. If you haven’t danced with someone, how can you trust them with your heart and your sexual health? Dancing is an essential part of maximizing the potential of foreplay. It’s what starts all of the engines in the charka system. It gets the blood flowing, detoxifies the lymph system, and gets you energetically prepared for long lasting, full bodied, transcendent orgasms. It also creates a field within which only blissful emotion can survive, it makes the past dissolve, and allows smiles to bubble to the surface uncontrollably.
You can roll on top of each other at midnight after you click off the TV, knowing you have to get up at 6:00am, and the love making will most likely leave much to be desired. A better approach would be to shut off the TV a couple hours earlier and pretend you and your lover are the TV stars, act out and role play your own script, be your own entertainment, and make it a dancing musical while you’re at it!
Relaxation with Massage
When people rush to sex, they’re not taking the time to shed the energetic tension of the day. Massage is an exquisite means to bring the body to a state of complete and total relaxation. If lovers gave each other even a five minute coconut oil massage before intercourse, they’d experience exponentially more pleasure and satisfaction.
Full Attention and Presence with Meditation
Meditation is the key to focusing your full attention and into the body and the present moment. It can be as simple as closing your eyes and focusing your attention on deep breaths. There are infinite ancient and modern techniques from all over the world. It’s best to try a variety and decide what works best for you and your partner. Whether you’re sitting still, stretching, or dancing, the goal should be to quiet the mind.
Breathing, and Conscious Energy Circulation
Breathing techniques are extremely important. There are all kinds that should be studied and experimented with. According to Tantric and Taoist traditions, the breath can be the most powerful tool to circulate energy. It’s critical that the men master breathing techniques so that the high voltage sexual energy can be drawn up from genitals and circulate internally throughout the body, and externally when with a partner. There are many detailed diagrams of energy flow within an individual’s sexual energetic circuitry and the same for couples. I won’t describe these in detail here, but it’s enough to know that when shared sexual energy is built in a couple, it has to go somewhere. For many men who don’t consciously circulate their sexual energy with breathing, meditation, and visualization techniques, premature ejaculation is a lifelong curse.
If the energy is not consciously cycled within the individual or couple, it will get jammed in the genital area and eventually explode in the form of a fleeting orgasm. But when circulated, it can result in waves of multiple orgasm for both the female and the male, and thus push the couples unified consciousness into ever higher and deeper altered states of ecstasy.
Warning: breath and energy circulation techniques should be practiced only with the guidance master. Extremely powerful waves of energy can be released that require advanced methods of preparation to be able to safely endure.
Eye gazing, or sustained eye contact is one of the most intense forms of intimacy. It comes easily in the early stages of love and when practiced regularly during sex can play an important role in sustaining true love. Having sex in the dark or with eyes closed, or astray, allows the mind to wander. Consciousness can leave the moment, whether it’s to fantasize about someone else, or go over the shopping list, without eye contact, there’s no guarantee that quality attention is shared. It doesn’t have to be constant, but it should be regular, and it should be what starts the sexual session.
It’s not desirable to be fettered with all kinds of formal procedures, or to keep count of this or that, the point is to train in these things so that they become effortless and automatic. It’s just like martial arts, you train to learn the skill and eventually like magic the skill performs for you without arduous effort. Your consciousness is free to just be fully present in the experience as your body dances with the energy using the tools and techniques you taught it.
Basic Anatomy and Stimulation
Developing an understanding of female anatomy is so important. The dominant culture has trained men to believe that 100% of a woman’s pleasure is a direct result of his size when in fact the majority of erogenous tissue is in and around the clitoris. And only certain positions actually allow the penis to reach the G-Spot.
Sadly, porn cinematography favors the visually dramatic deep thrusting pattern which is typically the least pleasurable for the woman, and the most overstimulating for the man. The key is to balance the stimulation, so excitement builds steadily for both partners. Keep the thrusting pattern at a ratio that favors shallow over deep. This will protect you from overstimulation and keep her in a positive feedback loop of building anticipation and reward.
Another vital strategy to prevent premature ejaculation is to do what boxers do when they get exhausted. You know how they burrrow themselves into each other as though to hide from their opponents punches by limiting their range and velocity? Well you can achieve the same effect by thrusting all the way in and holding on tight with a bear hug so that the range of thrusting motion is limited and your stimulation is decreased. You’ll discover that being in deep for longer periods of time actually benefits your partner because she’ll be happy to grind on your public bone while you whimper and pant while regaining your strength for continued thrusting action.
Direct manual clitoral stimulation should not be done immediately, rather, slow caressing of the pelvic area should be gradually built up. Packed in the clitoris are as many nerves as the entire penis, and there’s a “circuit overload” phenomenon that can be quite uncomfortable and inhibit arousal.Direct manual clitoral stimulation should not be done immediately, rather, slow caressing of the pelvic area should be gradually built up. Packed in the clitoris are as many nerves as the entire penis, and there’s a “circuit overload” phenomenon that can be quite uncomfortable and inhibit arousal.
There is also the G-Spot, which is just behind the pubic bone in the inner vaginal wall. Insert one or two fingers and do the “come hither” motion to put pressure on the dense sponge-like tissue. Once you and your partner have located it with fingers and she can identify the sensation, experiment with various positions of intercourse and become more conscious of how to stimulate it with the penis.
The male anatomy is pretty self-explanatory, however most straight folk are unaware of the male G-Spot, which is the prostate. It’s about the size of a dried apricot and it can be stimulated from the outside by applying pressure between the testicles and the anus, or for the slightly more adventurous, from within via insertion of body parts/objects of your choice into the anus.
Everyone is different, everyone’s wiring is different; that is what’s fun about getting to know someone sexually. For someone to share with you what makes them unique and for them to train you to play them like a musical instrument can be a true joy.
I won’t go into detail about positions, oral techniques, thrusting patterns, etc. here, just study, experiment and keep in mind the principles of spontaneity and diversity.
Consider how when you put your clothes on, your body registers the sensation, but once it’s registered, it doesn’t keep sending you the same signals. There’s a trailing off of sensation once your body gets used to something so the changing of position, rate, depth, patterns, etc. often keeps the body guessing and the signals are more intense.
So how does the average American male understand his sexual energy and its application with a sex partner? Generally, like most things in patriarchal culture, it’s understood within a construct of goal oriented sports. Hence the metaphors, “Did you score?, “No, I only got to third base,”… Guys are culturally taught that the objective is to score, first by getting a woman in bed, second by performing athletically so that she reaches climax during or before his climax. No surprise that the locker-room wisdom for guys to keep from ejaculating prematurely is to “think of a sport where you haven’t shot the ball yet…”
The primary goal of simply having sex is far more rewarded and tallied in the locker room than the secondary goal which is to perform in a way the satisfies one’s partner. So although all men know they’re supposed to be able to “go all night long” most don’t bother to learn how. The average American married couple’s sex lasts for 3-5 minutes.
This tragedy is one of the main reasons why countless American women have never had an orgasm during intercourse, and if shamed away from masturbation, have never had an orgasm at all.
So what’s really going on here? There’s an orgasmic economy that’s very unequal. The untrained man is quickly overwhelmed by stimulation while his female partner is consistently underwhelmed. The man gets off and passes out leaving the woman teased and dissatisfied. This cycle repeats again and again until they cheat, divorce, or die.
Balancing sexual energy requires increasing duration and can be achieved with a variety of trained/practiced techniques and fundamental understandings.
For sexual union to bring both male and female partners into altered states of ecstasy, this balance has to be achieved.
Because of the physiological differences between women and men, it’s easy for a man to simply get aroused physically whereas a woman’s arousal originates from a deeper place physically and spiritually. It’s like building a camp fire, it has to be done according to certain principles. If you light a match and drop a log on it, it won’t burn, you have to take the time to make the perfect little nest of tinder, build a perfect cone of kindling, and in stages build up to a roaring fire.
The problem with most men is that we’re not aware of this because, it’s not required for us to climax. A minimum 30 minutes of intercourse is a lot to ask as many men can’t survive the intensity of stimulation more than a few minutes. Or if they can last for 30 minutes or longer, if their heart isn’t present, they’re not going to bring their partner to climax, hence the faked female orgasm.
Without becoming distracted or anxious by having a goal to perform perfectly, couples can work over time towards the ability to increase duration and heartful presence.
The real goal should be to focus full attention on your partner and the pleasure itself, it’s only with this full presence that the doors to higher dimensions open. However many men regularly project their attention elsewhere and thus never let their full energy, spirit, and consciousness fill up in the moment. That’s truly what builds female arousal, the physical aspect is secondary to this primary need.
With the understanding that in order to “satisfy” a woman, a man must last longer, what can he do? One way to visualize male physiology is to imagine a circuit breaker. When the circuit is overloaded it breaks and the lights go out. Ever plug in too many appliances at once, and everything shuts off and you’re standing there like a fool in the dark? Welcome to the bedrooms of millions of couples across America.
A man has to learn to distribute the high-voltage current throughout his whole body, this is the only way he can survive the intensity. First he must know that it’s possible to withhold ejaculation yet have multiple and continuous full body orgasms. Many men haven’t ever been introduced to this idea. In many cases, masturbation in adolescence was done quickly, secretly, and in a state of shallow rapid breathing under the stress and fear of being caught. That doesn’t set up a good neuro-physiological template for long, relaxed, sacred love making later in life.
Once the idea is learned, the art and science has to be studied, practiced, and mastered. There are many books, websites, videos, classes, etc. on ejaculation control, or as some people like to say ejaculation “choice”. Just Google multiple male orgasms, Taoist Sexual Kung Fu, and Tantric Cobra breath.
Another training technique that both men and women should do on a regular basis is kegel exercises where you repeatedly contract the “PC” (pubococcygeus) muscles on the pelvic floor in various intervals. They’re the same muscles used to stop the flow of urination. If you haven’t identified them, next time you urinate, do what you normally would to stop the flow and you’ve found them. When men regularly contract these muscles, they condition the ability to withhold ejaculation by contracting them as the urge to ejaculate arises. For women, the main application of conditioned PC muscles is to create more tightness and muscle control during intercourse.
Going back to the sports analogy, if the man is distracted and caught up just trying to make the woman climax, he’s not fully present, not fully being in the experience. If a woman is feeling anxiety because she wants to force herself to climax so she can make the man feel like he’s not a failure, and protect his fragile ego, she’s not fully present and enjoying the experience. Yes the climax of both partners is desirable, but as long as there’s mutual effort put in by both parties to develop the skills to have a general equality of climax over time, it won’t be the end of the world if the male either loses an erection, or prematurely ejaculates during one session. So the goal should be to not have a goal and to just feel as freely as possible, but to have done the homework to make disappointment the exception not the rule.
Have fun, be safe, be sacred. You are already a God, you just need to train and condition your sexual Godhood so that you can rise to the built in potential of your Goddess.