Why Get Off When You Can Stay On and Get High?
Everyday we wake up with renewed sexual energy, and we’re driven by the need to do something with it. What does it want to do? It wants to connect with other consenting age-appropriate human beings in as free, open, loving, and wild a way possible. It wants to get us high, heal our bodies, blast us into hyperspace, take us for a trip across the astral plane, keep us peaceful, careful, loving, and kind, bind couples and communities together, drive procreation, and more.
Unfortunately the dominant culture has denied this energy, dammed its flow, and damned its spirit to hell. Virtually everyone in our culture is sexually dysfunctional, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The resulting sickness manifests subtly and overtly in all domains. Much of what is toxic, unsustainable, and harmful in modern civilization can be thought of as the physical manifestation of misdirected sexual energy. When we train our minds and bodies to embrace and cultivate this energy we can build more ethical economic systems, more sustainable infrastructure, and have more compassionate public policy and diplomacy. Instead of trashing the finite planet to build empires of ego, we can build palaces of transcendent pleasure in infinite spiritual realms, right from the comfort of our own bedrooms. Frustrated, angry sublimation can be transmuted to blissful flowing superlimation.
Here are some practical steps for men:
Without self love, most people are love deficient, they have a hole that they’re trying to fill, rather than an overflowing abundance that they’re eager to share.
For most of my life I lived without self love. I didn’t think it could be cultivated from within, I thought I needed it to be imported from the outside. Through serious pain, heart-break, and study I learned how and why to self-love. From compliments to the mirror, to medibation (masturbation + meditation), to getting fit, to eating right, to educating myself, I learned to take an active interest in myself so that when I hear the song “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode, I sing “All I ever wanted, all I ever needed…” to myself, “here in my arms”…me! Without that glowing self love, where you stand tall, with good posture, happy for no reason, content, calm, peaceful, energetic, you can’t attract what you really want. Attraction is a factor of energy. You can be skinny and be unattractive if you’re spirit is faded and you don’t love yourself. Conversely, you can be large and be an electro-magnet because you love yourself and it excites and turns people on. It’s not a matter of how tight the skin is to the bones, it’s a matter of how tight the spirit is to the flesh. The spirit’s food is love, feed it everyday with a life-long romance with yourself, your body, your mind. Your spirit will stay with you and turn heads for you. Crouch like a pretzel in the corner, let your spirit fade, and dwell in the shadow of negative self talk, and self-conceived ugliness, and you will not attract anyone, or whoever you do attract will be of like-vibration, you’ll attract another pain-bodied self-hating energy vampire and you’ll perpetually make life hell for each other.
The simplest way I can put it is to use the cultural construct of the “dream man” or “dream woman”. At one point I said to myself, wait a minute, if I’m this toxic mess of deprivation and clingy, needy desire, and I want some angelic princess to come along and rescue me and make me happy, and be perfect, and never upset me, or change, well, only change to be exactly the way I want her of course…isn’t something missing from the picture? That’s an ugly picture, beauty and the beast! I realized that, the dream love I wanted was a two way street. I had to love myself just as much, I had to be my dream self, or at least know what that was and be working towards it. So I built the vision in my mind of my dream self, and without waiting for someone to rescue me, I went to work, broke out of my shell of self-pity and started to build the dream me. I’ll never be done, because as I grow I want to grow more, but as long as I’m growing, I’m not dying and the mirror gets more and more forgiving and loving. Not just because of physical work, but because of spiritual, intellectual, and emotional work.
In this heart-broken and self-esteem broken society, the mirror is your worst enemy but it can become your best friend no matter what anyone else says about your appearance. It can be a tool to develop a relationship with yourself, your first and only truly life-long relationship. You can go through a million partners, but you’ll always have to face yourself, sleep with yourself, argue with yourself, put up with yourself. The mirror can be a tool for building that abundance of love, from the inside out that you can share with the world.
By training I mostly mean masturbation, or preferably medibation (masturbation + meditation). For men, if you’re not “getting laid” you better be staying in shape by masturbating not just to get off and get on with life, but rather to make love to yourself with similar time, focus, and attention, as you’d give to the act of love with a partner. Not only is it necessary to maintain “stamina” by mastering the art of riding the edge of climax and drawing the energy through the body with breath and self massage, but it’s necessary to keep your body lit up with erotic energy.
If you’re not in a partnership where sex is shared regularly, maintaining a healthy regular loving relationship with yourself keeps your wiring and gears from rusting and locking up.
Also the power to do sex magic is as potent (though perhaps not as powerful) alone as with a partner. Think about it, when stimulating yourself you’re raising all of this energy into and through your system, whatever thoughts/visions/ideas/desires are in your mind can and should be energized as well. Whether you need to psyche yourself out to remember the study questions for the mid-term, of you’re trying to manifest a new job, or a new lover, why waste the energy by just consuming porn or fantasizing about some cover-girl?
The Love of a Lover
I think you can have great sex with strangers, it’s not very safe, fulfilling, or sustainable, and it can’t get you as high as with a true lover. Developing love first is always a better way to go in my opinion because there can be trust, comfort, relaxation, safety and other ingredients listed below.
So here are few notes on the love of a lover. It’s actually easier to love oneself it seems because you’re in total control of your decisions (unless you’re dominated by addictive behavior, then you’re basically in a toxic relationship with yourself). In relationships, a tension builds over time around all the resentment over little things, the disagreements, power struggles, compromises, annoyances, etc. If that energy isn’t carefully managed and flushed properly, it can back up into the bedroom and toxify the sexual environment. Even worse, sex can be manipulated as a weapon to seek justice or revenge for problems in other domains of the relationship. It can be withheld, or faked, or just done without passion or spirit and be lame. Either partner can find ways to poison the sacred union both intentionally and unintentionally.
In my experience and study, there are a few key patterns in relationships that have to be carefully guarded against. And there are a few practices that have to be religiously maintained in order for healthy, ecstatic sex to be shared.
First I want to describe the typical love curve. For most couples, high states of ecstasy are easily achieved early on because the love is fresh, exciting, and new. There is heightened curiosity, passion, romance, and both partners are on their best behavior, they haven’t yet fought, their lives aren’t yet entangled, they haven’t had to work through issues or compromise on much. This “Cloud 9” high, is great, but it doesn’t last. It’s a true neuro-chemical drug-induced state that sooner or later you “come down” from and reality comes crashing back in. True mastery of love would be to know how to re-access these chemical states and actually enhance them over time as the relationship grows. The difference after the initial free high wares off, is that you have to give more energy and attention to sustain it, and consistently purify the relationship with fun, adventure, novelty, creativity, and most importantly, open hearted communication.
In our culture of instant gratification, cheap thrills, and no work ethic, most people stay perpetually stuck in the “thrill of the chase” stage where you play “the game” of building up a flirtatious and seductive fling. You’re getting high on the excitement of pursuit, there’s uncertainty and the possibility for failure which keeps you on your toes. You play the game and once you win, that is, once you actually hook up, have sex, and start hanging out, the excitement disappears. It becomes easy, mundane, expected, the chase is over, the thrill is gone. So what do you do, you trail off in communications, you stop being responsive, you fade away and begin again with another prey. Men and women do this all the time, usually leaving a broken-hearted victim.
It makes sense in a way because once that 2 week to 2 month easy high wears off, building a lasting love requires disciplined effort, and all of the ugliness of each person starts to creep out. It makes perfect sense, but it also keeps people in perpetual immaturity. Why do people get stuck in the addictive “chase” cycle, because they lack the patience and discipline to really apply themselves to build real love. The lack of true love, and shallowness of constant flings means ultimate lack of fulfillment and unhappiness, and often the inability to experience the highest states of ecstasy.
I’ve basically tried to establish this phenomenon of the love curve. We’re all some where along it. The goal I think should be to understand it, and find ways to healthily work through it so that it’s more evenly spaced. For example, in a long term relationship, when the initial spike drops, expect it, be aware of it, and don’t think that the love is dead, just know that like a garden, it will die if not properly maintained with TLC. So many couples are sexless for decades, then shell out thousands of dollars to therapists just so they can re-ignite that initial romantic passion. The next time you fall in love, keep a dairy together and take good notes on what felt the best so you’ll have a bread crumb trail to follow when times get tough.
Every person has certain stimuli that make them feel loved the most. It could be a word, a voice tonality, a touch, a place to visit, whatever it may be, the point is we need to know things like this about ourselves and our lovers, and we need to upkeep the practice of making one another feel loved. And we need to learn how to clear emotional space so that passion can be kept alive.
Again, like a garden, if you don’t properly bury the weeds and their seeds in sheet mulch, all the nutrients will be robbed and your crops will be grown over and buried alive. It’s easy to get lazy and let the weeds grow in relationships, so that you can’t even see what you originally planted. If you’re lucky it’s still there, but it’s going to be a hard job to clear it up and bring it into full production if you’ve let it go for a while. That’s why simple, steady, low-level maintenance is so important in love. Going back to the self love component, the more inner prep work you’ve done while alone, the less weeds will sprout in the garden of your love with a partner. With the right amount of preparation and maintenance you’ll be spending more time smelling each others flowers and tasting each others fruits than pulling each others weeds.
Just try to set the intention with yourself and your lover to keep a burning desire for each other alive, and make sure to have combustible chemistry always. It’s not easy, don’t blame yourself or your partner if it fades. The dropping off of the curve is natural, accept it and put effort into pushing it up to ever-higher levels! I great formula for sustaining healthy long-term relationships that I’ve learned and practiced is: daily affection, weekly date-nights, and monthly romantic adventures. I’ve added a couple bonuses: on demand 5-10 minute cuddle breaks and on demand spontaneous dance breaks.
Your sex partner should be someone with whom you share similar life goals. The more aligned your ambitions are the more stable and fruitful the relationship will be. Falling in lust and building a relationship without a foundation of purpose can often be a recipe for disaster. Co-creative synergy should be as important in selecting a mate as sexual chemistry and physical attractiveness.
Prayer and Intent
Before love making verbalize a shared intention, it could be to honor each other as divine beings, to deepen the love, or to achieve a specific outcome such as manifesting a promotion at work. Sacred sexuality involves sexualizing prayer and overcoming religious shame of carnal pleasure. Whatever names you use to call upon your God(s)/Goddess(es) of choice, addressing them in your love making ritual is essential. Many people exclaim “Oh My God” unconsciously throughout the act. In my experience, sexual energy is an amplifier of your prayers. If you want your prayers to make it to the top of the stack, state them clearly and believe fully that whatever request you make will be best received when packaged in a container of pure loving grace.
This is very subjective and variable. But to be safe, my experience and study tells me that for intercourse itself, 30 minutes or more is the optimal range for the magic to really happen. There are so many energetic and chemical currents, some raging, some very subtle, but they’re all epic in their development. The more time they have to flow, the more merging of consciousness can occur so that you become one unified vessel of blissful consciousness able to soar through higher dimensions.
Sacred Set and Setting
Creating a magical altar, lighting candles, burning incense, playing music, wearing sensual clothing, etc. can anchor a sacred mindset and on a metaphysical level, serve to disinfect the environment. Ritualizing the build up to union creates an atmosphere where consciousness is focused, attention is undivided, and the body has the cues it needs for juices to flow and for arousal to occur gradually from a deeper level of being. You may choose to burn sage and call in by name whatever spiritual allies you are close to and command that all things that don’t serve the highest good be banished, be they negative emotions, energies, or entities. If this sounds too occult or hippie-ish, it’s easy enough to simply verbalize that you intend to create a field of pure love where nothing but the truth of bliss is welcome.
Bathing is one of the most sensual activities you can share together. It’s always recommended from a sexual health and hygiene perspective, beyond that it effectively sets up the “take turns” approach to giving and receiving pleasure.
Energy comes from proper eating habits, hydration, regular exercise, rest and the right attitude. Poor diet, dehydration, lack of movement, sleep deprivation and a negative attitude will rob you of energy. Huge meals before love making can obviously sap energy. Light meals at least a couple of our before love making is recommended and trays of fresh fruit, berries, nuts, chocolate, and other healthy sensual foods to snack on throughout a love making session are quite nice and help sustain energy levels.
Dancing is the art of making love before or without having sex. If you haven’t danced with someone, how can you trust them with your heart and your sexual health? Dancing is an essential part of maximizing the potential of foreplay. It’s what starts all of the engines in the charka system. It gets the blood flowing, detoxifies the lymph system, and gets you energetically prepared for long lasting, full bodied, transcendent orgasms. It also creates a field within which only blissful emotion can survive, it makes the past dissolve, and allows smiles to bubble to the surface uncontrollably.
You can roll on top of each other at midnight after you click off the TV, knowing you have to get up at 6:00am, and the love making will most likely leave much to be desired. A better approach would be to shut off the TV a couple hours earlier and pretend you and your lover are the TV stars, act out and role play your own script, be your own entertainment, and make it a dancing musical while you’re at it!
Relaxation with Massage
When people rush to sex, they’re not taking the time to shed the energetic tension of the day. Massage is an exquisite means to bring the body to a state of complete and total relaxation. If lovers gave each other even a five minute coconut oil massage before intercourse, they’d experience exponentially more pleasure and satisfaction.
Full Attention and Presence with Meditation
Meditation is the key to focusing your full attention and into the body and the present moment. It can be as simple as closing your eyes and focusing your attention on deep breaths. There are infinite ancient and modern techniques from all over the world. It’s best to try a variety and decide what works best for you and your partner. Whether you’re sitting still, stretching, or dancing, the goal should be to quiet the mind.
Breathing, and Conscious Energy Circulation
Breathing techniques are extremely important. There are all kinds that should be studied and experimented with. According to Tantric and Taoist traditions, the breath can be the most powerful tool to circulate energy. It’s critical that the men master breathing techniques so that the high voltage sexual energy can be drawn up from genitals and circulate internally throughout the body, and externally when with a partner. There are many detailed diagrams of energy flow within an individual’s sexual energetic circuitry and the same for couples. I won’t describe these in detail here, but it’s enough to know that when shared sexual energy is built in a couple, it has to go somewhere. For many men who don’t consciously circulate their sexual energy with breathing, meditation, and visualization techniques, premature ejaculation is a lifelong curse.
If the energy is not consciously cycled within the individual or couple, it will get jammed in the genital area and eventually explode in the form of a fleeting orgasm. But when circulated, it can result in waves of multiple orgasm for both the female and the male, and thus push the couples unified consciousness into ever higher and deeper altered states of ecstasy.
Warning: breath and energy circulation techniques should be practiced only with the guidance master. Extremely powerful waves of energy can be released that require advanced methods of preparation to be able to safely endure.
Eye gazing, or sustained eye contact is one of the most intense forms of intimacy. It comes easily in the early stages of love and when practiced regularly during sex can play an important role in sustaining true love. Having sex in the dark or with eyes closed, or astray, allows the mind to wander. Consciousness can leave the moment, whether it’s to fantasize about someone else, or go over the shopping list, without eye contact, there’s no guarantee that quality attention is shared. It doesn’t have to be constant, but it should be regular, and it should be what starts the sexual session.
It’s not desirable to be fettered with all kinds of formal procedures, or to keep count of this or that, the point is to train in these things so that they become effortless and automatic. It’s just like martial arts, you train to learn the skill and eventually like magic the skill performs for you without arduous effort. Your consciousness is free to just be fully present in the experience as your body dances with the energy using the tools and techniques you taught it.
Basic Anatomy and Stimulation
Developing an understanding of female anatomy is so important. The dominant culture has trained men to believe that 100% of a woman’s pleasure is a direct result of his size when in fact the majority of erogenous tissue is in and around the clitoris. And only certain positions actually allow the penis to reach the G-Spot.
Sadly, porn cinematography favors the visually dramatic deep thrusting pattern which is typically the least pleasurable for the woman, and the most overstimulating for the man. The key is to balance the stimulation, so excitement builds steadily for both partners. Keep the thrusting pattern at a ratio that favors shallow over deep. This will protect you from overstimulation and keep her in a positive feedback loop of building anticipation and reward.
Another vital strategy to prevent premature ejaculation is to do what boxers do when they get exhausted. You know how they burrrow themselves into each other as though to hide from their opponents punches by limiting their range and velocity? Well you can achieve the same effect by thrusting all the way in and holding on tight with a bear hug so that the range of thrusting motion is limited and your stimulation is decreased. You’ll discover that being in deep for longer periods of time actually benefits your partner because she’ll be happy to grind on your public bone while you whimper and pant while regaining your strength for continued thrusting action.
Direct manual clitoral stimulation should not be done immediately, rather, slow caressing of the pelvic area should be gradually built up. Packed in the clitoris are as many nerves as the entire penis, and there’s a “circuit overload” phenomenon that can be quite uncomfortable and inhibit arousal.Direct manual clitoral stimulation should not be done immediately, rather, slow caressing of the pelvic area should be gradually built up. Packed in the clitoris are as many nerves as the entire penis, and there’s a “circuit overload” phenomenon that can be quite uncomfortable and inhibit arousal.
There is also the G-Spot, which is just behind the pubic bone in the inner vaginal wall. Insert one or two fingers and do the “come hither” motion to put pressure on the dense sponge-like tissue. Once you and your partner have located it with fingers and she can identify the sensation, experiment with various positions of intercourse and become more conscious of how to stimulate it with the penis.
The male anatomy is pretty self-explanatory, however most straight folk are unaware of the male G-Spot, which is the prostate. It’s about the size of a dried apricot and it can be stimulated from the outside by applying pressure between the testicles and the anus, or for the slightly more adventurous, from within via insertion of body parts/objects of your choice into the anus.
Everyone is different, everyone’s wiring is different; that is what’s fun about getting to know someone sexually. For someone to share with you what makes them unique and for them to train you to play them like a musical instrument can be a true joy.
I won’t go into detail about positions, oral techniques, thrusting patterns, etc. here, just study, experiment and keep in mind the principles of spontaneity and diversity.
Consider how when you put your clothes on, your body registers the sensation, but once it’s registered, it doesn’t keep sending you the same signals. There’s a trailing off of sensation once your body gets used to something so the changing of position, rate, depth, patterns, etc. often keeps the body guessing and the signals are more intense.
So how does the average American male understand his sexual energy and its application with a sex partner? Generally, like most things in patriarchal culture, it’s understood within a construct of goal oriented sports. Hence the metaphors, “Did you score?, “No, I only got to third base,”… Guys are culturally taught that the objective is to score, first by getting a woman in bed, second by performing athletically so that she reaches climax during or before his climax. No surprise that the locker-room wisdom for guys to keep from ejaculating prematurely is to “think of a sport where you haven’t shot the ball yet…”
The primary goal of simply having sex is far more rewarded and tallied in the locker room than the secondary goal which is to perform in a way the satisfies one’s partner. So although all men know they’re supposed to be able to “go all night long” most don’t bother to learn how. The average American married couple’s sex lasts for 3-5 minutes.
This tragedy is one of the main reasons why countless American women have never had an orgasm during intercourse, and if shamed away from masturbation, have never had an orgasm at all.
So what’s really going on here? There’s an orgasmic economy that’s very unequal. The untrained man is quickly overwhelmed by stimulation while his female partner is consistently underwhelmed. The man gets off and passes out leaving the woman teased and dissatisfied. This cycle repeats again and again until they cheat, divorce, or die.
Balancing sexual energy requires increasing duration and can be achieved with a variety of trained/practiced techniques and fundamental understandings.
For sexual union to bring both male and female partners into altered states of ecstasy, this balance has to be achieved.
Because of the physiological differences between women and men, it’s easy for a man to simply get aroused physically whereas a woman’s arousal originates from a deeper place physically and spiritually. It’s like building a camp fire, it has to be done according to certain principles. If you light a match and drop a log on it, it won’t burn, you have to take the time to make the perfect little nest of tinder, build a perfect cone of kindling, and in stages build up to a roaring fire.
The problem with most men is that we’re not aware of this because, it’s not required for us to climax. A minimum 30 minutes of intercourse is a lot to ask as many men can’t survive the intensity of stimulation more than a few minutes. Or if they can last for 30 minutes or longer, if their heart isn’t present, they’re not going to bring their partner to climax, hence the faked female orgasm.
Without becoming distracted or anxious by having a goal to perform perfectly, couples can work over time towards the ability to increase duration and heartful presence.
The real goal should be to focus full attention on your partner and the pleasure itself, it’s only with this full presence that the doors to higher dimensions open. However many men regularly project their attention elsewhere and thus never let their full energy, spirit, and consciousness fill up in the moment. That’s truly what builds female arousal, the physical aspect is secondary to this primary need.
With the understanding that in order to “satisfy” a woman, a man must last longer, what can he do? One way to visualize male physiology is to imagine a circuit breaker. When the circuit is overloaded it breaks and the lights go out. Ever plug in too many appliances at once, and everything shuts off and you’re standing there like a fool in the dark? Welcome to the bedrooms of millions of couples across America.
A man has to learn to distribute the high-voltage current throughout his whole body, this is the only way he can survive the intensity. First he must know that it’s possible to withhold ejaculation yet have multiple and continuous full body orgasms. Many men haven’t ever been introduced to this idea. In many cases, masturbation in adolescence was done quickly, secretly, and in a state of shallow rapid breathing under the stress and fear of being caught. That doesn’t set up a good neuro-physiological template for long, relaxed, sacred love making later in life.
Once the idea is learned, the art and science has to be studied, practiced, and mastered. There are many books, websites, videos, classes, etc. on ejaculation control, or as some people like to say ejaculation “choice”. Just Google multiple male orgasms, Taoist Sexual Kung Fu, and Tantric Cobra breath.
Another training technique that both men and women should do on a regular basis is kegel exercises where you repeatedly contract the “PC” (pubococcygeus) muscles on the pelvic floor in various intervals. They’re the same muscles used to stop the flow of urination. If you haven’t identified them, next time you urinate, do what you normally would to stop the flow and you’ve found them. When men regularly contract these muscles, they condition the ability to withhold ejaculation by contracting them as the urge to ejaculate arises. For women, the main application of conditioned PC muscles is to create more tightness and muscle control during intercourse.
Going back to the sports analogy, if the man is distracted and caught up just trying to make the woman climax, he’s not fully present, not fully being in the experience. If a woman is feeling anxiety because she wants to force herself to climax so she can make the man feel like he’s not a failure, and protect his fragile ego, she’s not fully present and enjoying the experience. Yes the climax of both partners is desirable, but as long as there’s mutual effort put in by both parties to develop the skills to have a general equality of climax over time, it won’t be the end of the world if the male either loses an erection, or prematurely ejaculates during one session. So the goal should be to not have a goal and to just feel as freely as possible, but to have done the homework to make disappointment the exception not the rule.
Have fun, be safe, be sacred. You are already a God, you just need to train and condition your sexual Godhood so that you can rise to the built in potential of your Goddess.