In this episode I have the great honor and pleasure of being joined by Angel Miguel De Hoyos Kolek. He is one of the most highly accomplished answers to my prayers as an extensively trained sexual shaman who’s ready to bring the light into the shadows of the adult entertainment industry. It has been an often lonely and discouraging mission I have taken on personally, so to find allies in alignment on this journey feels like winning a spiritual lottery.
Angel’s personal story is extremely powerful and invigorating, his epic journey from trauma to personal healing to becoming a skilled practitioner and educator is impressive and inspiring. He’s also a sacred musician which adds a dimension of solidarity that means a lot to me.
We discuss the mainstream status quo state of affairs in the adult industry and begin to share ideas and formulate strategies to support each others’ individual and collaborative efforts to next-level the current porn paradigm.
Please visit his website at:
Oneness Blessing giver
Reiki Master Instructor
The Ascension Manual taught by my Teacher Donna Domatoe
Shamanic Body Worker received my Kahuna initiation in Kuai
Shamanic Cranial Sacral Therapy Practitioner under Don Masott
Vajrayana Tantra Master under my Teacher Aghori Baba Peter Aziz
I also just received my Aghori initiation under Baba Peter Aziz
I also have been working with the Kenneth Ray Stubbs to learn about Sexual Shamanic healing.
I am also a Bon Jhankri Phurba Practioner -Tibetan Tantric Shamanism
As I have continued to evolve the modality I have found myself able to heal other people by pretending to have sex with the higher self of whomever I have been working with. Sometimes they are not aware and sometimes they directly participate during the session. When beings started approaching me for sex I was very open and receptive but the problem was I was starting to learn that perhaps these where not good choices for me. Sometimes I suspected like they where impregnating me with beings. This really didn’t become an issue till during one of my healing session my mentor Dana pulled from my abdomen and energetic pregnancy. I allowed this because I assumed it was lower vibrational energy that needed to be removed. After this I started to realize that I needed to be more careful.
So then I decided to search out tantric teachers. The one site that got my attention was the Naked shaman. He is an avid promoter and proudly trains Tantric shamans or Sacred prostitutes. I delayed training with him because I wanted a different teacher and started to search around. Then one day after diving in I began practicing my Self honoring ritual I said a Mantra “Om Shakti Om “ and tryed to invoke the spirits to teach or initiate me. I had been reading about Mayan Tantra by Amara charles and Then this Blue woman came to my Bed. She had a lot of arms and looked really mean. But she was so captivating I literally froze and was afraid lying in my bed and not really sure what was going to happen to me I thought she was going to hurt me… As this Blue woman started to straddle me I became even more alarmed because she started to make love to me and made direct eye contact with me all during the time. I heard stories about how this is a no no and how she would suck people’s entrails out through her Yoni… but I could not move!
During our intense connection as I was moaning in ecstasy I realized and I kept thinking that she has her head on her… Not sure what this meant at the time… I kept sharing the story with people and they could not understand what this meant because they usually thought it was a bad thing and where quite puzzled or I got the feeling that it was weird. After Mahakali had her way with me she offered me a boon or I guess a wish. I told her that I wanted to learn sacred sexual healing and in way that would honor my vows to my wife. I wanted to learn how to do this for the highest good of myself and my wife…. later on my sexual powers where foreign and new to me and even created more questions for me…. I had a tendency to straddle pillows like a girl and go for a wild ride and all while pulling energies out with an energetic Yoni and releasing it through my mouth… It felt new and quite good. In a sense this is how I became a Sacred sexual Healer or sacred prostitute.
I am looking to make my introduction to the adult industry and offer my unique services . . I believe that the adult industry is indispensable asset to the community and offers a somewhat needed release for the community. However I feel that the industry has unrealized untapped potential and has venues that, have not been explored yet….
As a Tantric Shamanic and Sexual Shamanic Practioner I would like to share and offer my unique skills sets and Tantric coaching that will help diversify and heightens the positive impact that the adult industry has today. I am currently working on lesson plans so that other practioner’s can take advantage of these healing abilities…
My demonstrations and coaching are done via skype and zoom. So all of my work is done remotely….
In this episode I’m joined by the highly accomplished Jacqueline Hellyer for an introduction to her vast array of great works and offerings and a discussion about the ways we can and should modernize goddess archetypes. She helps us bring deep ancient wisdom to the present within an educational framework that appeals to the experiences and sensibilities of modern people.
I am a Sex Geek – completely and unabashedly fascinated by sex, love and intimacy in all its aspects from the biological to the psychological to the spiritual. As well as an enormous amount of formal study, I’ve done masses of personal research, and most importantly I’ve spent many thousands of hours talking with people about sex and relationships – my private clients, participants in my workshops and retreats, mingling with people after giving presentations and media appearances and in the wider world.
There aren’t too many people in the world with this level of insight into what’s going on in people’s minds and bedrooms… I know what really does work and what doesn’t.
We live in a society that’s pretty screwed up sexually, so many people are confused, misinformed and struggling with their sexuality. Which is such a shame because sex is a celebration of life and our sexual energy is our life energy. So I’m here to be a ‘light in the darkness’ to help guide people to fulfill their sexual potential and experience all the love, connection and freedom that comes with a whole, healthy sexuality.
Please visit her website:
In this episode I’m joined by one of my favorite authors, Charles Eisenstein. After studying his books The Ascent of Humanity and Sacred Economics I’ve been deeply moved by the level of insight and analysis he provides. As tantra works to re-weave sacred sexual-spiritual unity, Charles’ work has been re-weaving the material and sacred realms by deconstructing patriarchal stories of separation, and providing road maps for more holistic value exchange rooted in ancestral wisdom.
It was a pleasure to explore topics of sacred sexuality and sexual healing with him, as the “oldest profession on earth” has become one of the most exploitative and desacrilized.
He paints an empowering vision for a future of sacred sexual economics. I was imbued with a compelling sense of awe, feeling a new flow of energy and hope that a globally integrated culture may well evolve to a high level of maturity.
Please connect with him at:
In this episode I’m joined by Destin Gerek for a discussion about the future of sacred masculinity and conscious erotic media. He shares an overview of his background and path to become a tantric sexual healer and erotic empowerment coach, then offers a beautiful and powerful intentional meditation. We end by opening an ongoing discussion about sexual health best practices and bringing tantric ethics and techniques to the adult entertainment industry.
Destin Gerek is a transformational empowerment coach who specializes in helping you awaken your sexual energy, while harnessing this newfound power to passionately manifest your biggest visions, and create the life of your dreams. A globally recognized thought leader in the realms of sexuality, consciousness, and personal transformation. Destin has been working in the field of human sexuality for over 17 years.
In 2004, Destin experienced a massive spiritual reawakening while hitchhiking through southern Mexico. Since that time, Destin has made it his life’s purpose to help catalyze an elevation in global sexual consciousness.
In this episode I interview Tracy Elise the founder of the Phoenix Goddess Temple. She is defending herself in a historic trial and facing multiple felony charges. She tells her story of providing non-profit sacred sexual healing services, offering spiritual initiation and training, and being persecuted for her religious beliefs and practices.
To help support her legal defense efforts please visit:
For a glimpse at the temple arts please watch and share this video:
In this episode I read an essay I originally wrote several years ago to document my study of Francesca Gentile’s Sex, Tantra, and Kama Sutra Podcast. After listening to every episode I felt compelled to summarize the highlights of what I learned and create a simple introductory practical guide to spiritually conscious sexual union. I recently revised it for publication at the Good Men Project, and I’ve recorded a spoken word version here.
Why Get Off When You Can Stay On and Get High?
Everyday we wake up with renewed sexual energy, and we’re driven by the need to do something with it. What does it want to do? It wants to connect with other consenting age-appropriate human beings in as free, open, loving, and wild a way possible. It wants to get us high, heal our bodies, blast us into hyperspace, take us for a trip across the astral plane, keep us peaceful, careful, loving, and kind, bind couples and communities together, drive procreation, and more.
Unfortunately the dominant culture has denied this energy, dammed its flow, and damned its spirit to hell. Virtually everyone in our culture is sexually dysfunctional, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The resulting sickness manifests subtly and overtly in all domains. Much of what is toxic, unsustainable, and harmful in modern civilization can be thought of as the physical manifestation of misdirected sexual energy. When we train our minds and bodies to embrace and cultivate this energy we can build more ethical economic systems, more sustainable infrastructure, and have more compassionate public policy and diplomacy. Instead of trashing the finite planet to build empires of ego, we can build palaces of transcendent pleasure in infinite spiritual realms, right from the comfort of our own bedrooms. Frustrated, angry sublimation can be transmuted to blissful flowing superlimation.
Here are some practical steps for men:
Without self love, most people are love deficient, they have a hole that they’re trying to fill, rather than an overflowing abundance that they’re eager to share.
For most of my life I lived without self love. I didn’t think it could be cultivated from within, I thought I needed it to be imported from the outside. Through serious pain, heart-break, and study I learned how and why to self-love. From compliments to the mirror, to medibation (masturbation + meditation), to getting fit, to eating right, to educating myself, I learned to take an active interest in myself so that when I hear the song “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode, I sing “All I ever wanted, all I ever needed…” to myself, “here in my arms”…me! Without that glowing self love, where you stand tall, with good posture, happy for no reason, content, calm, peaceful, energetic, you can’t attract what you really want. Attraction is a factor of energy. You can be skinny and be unattractive if you’re spirit is faded and you don’t love yourself. Conversely, you can be large and be an electro-magnet because you love yourself and it excites and turns people on. It’s not a matter of how tight the skin is to the bones, it’s a matter of how tight the spirit is to the flesh. The spirit’s food is love, feed it everyday with a life-long romance with yourself, your body, your mind. Your spirit will stay with you and turn heads for you. Crouch like a pretzel in the corner, let your spirit fade, and dwell in the shadow of negative self talk, and self-conceived ugliness, and you will not attract anyone, or whoever you do attract will be of like-vibration, you’ll attract another pain-bodied self-hating energy vampire and you’ll perpetually make life hell for each other.
The simplest way I can put it is to use the cultural construct of the “dream man” or “dream woman”. At one point I said to myself, wait a minute, if I’m this toxic mess of deprivation and clingy, needy desire, and I want some angelic princess to come along and rescue me and make me happy, and be perfect, and never upset me, or change, well, only change to be exactly the way I want her of course…isn’t something missing from the picture? That’s an ugly picture, beauty and the beast! I realized that, the dream love I wanted was a two way street. I had to love myself just as much, I had to be my dream self, or at least know what that was and be working towards it. So I built the vision in my mind of my dream self, and without waiting for someone to rescue me, I went to work, broke out of my shell of self-pity and started to build the dream me. I’ll never be done, because as I grow I want to grow more, but as long as I’m growing, I’m not dying and the mirror gets more and more forgiving and loving. Not just because of physical work, but because of spiritual, intellectual, and emotional work.
In this heart-broken and self-esteem broken society, the mirror is your worst enemy but it can become your best friend no matter what anyone else says about your appearance. It can be a tool to develop a relationship with yourself, your first and only truly life-long relationship. You can go through a million partners, but you’ll always have to face yourself, sleep with yourself, argue with yourself, put up with yourself. The mirror can be a tool for building that abundance of love, from the inside out that you can share with the world.
By training I mostly mean masturbation, or preferably medibation (masturbation + meditation). For men, if you’re not “getting laid” you better be staying in shape by masturbating not just to get off and get on with life, but rather to make love to yourself with similar time, focus, and attention, as you’d give to the act of love with a partner. Not only is it necessary to maintain “stamina” by mastering the art of riding the edge of climax and drawing the energy through the body with breath and self massage, but it’s necessary to keep your body lit up with erotic energy.
If you’re not in a partnership where sex is shared regularly, maintaining a healthy regular loving relationship with yourself keeps your wiring and gears from rusting and locking up.
Also the power to do sex magic is as potent (though perhaps not as powerful) alone as with a partner. Think about it, when stimulating yourself you’re raising all of this energy into and through your system, whatever thoughts/visions/ideas/desires are in your mind can and should be energized as well. Whether you need to psyche yourself out to remember the study questions for the mid-term, of you’re trying to manifest a new job, or a new lover, why waste the energy by just consuming porn or fantasizing about some cover-girl?
The Love of a Lover
I think you can have great sex with strangers, it’s not very safe, fulfilling, or sustainable, and it can’t get you as high as with a true lover. Developing love first is always a better way to go in my opinion because there can be trust, comfort, relaxation, safety and other ingredients listed below.
So here are few notes on the love of a lover. It’s actually easier to love oneself it seems because you’re in total control of your decisions (unless you’re dominated by addictive behavior, then you’re basically in a toxic relationship with yourself). In relationships, a tension builds over time around all the resentment over little things, the disagreements, power struggles, compromises, annoyances, etc. If that energy isn’t carefully managed and flushed properly, it can back up into the bedroom and toxify the sexual environment. Even worse, sex can be manipulated as a weapon to seek justice or revenge for problems in other domains of the relationship. It can be withheld, or faked, or just done without passion or spirit and be lame. Either partner can find ways to poison the sacred union both intentionally and unintentionally.
In my experience and study, there are a few key patterns in relationships that have to be carefully guarded against. And there are a few practices that have to be religiously maintained in order for healthy, ecstatic sex to be shared.
First I want to describe the typical love curve. For most couples, high states of ecstasy are easily achieved early on because the love is fresh, exciting, and new. There is heightened curiosity, passion, romance, and both partners are on their best behavior, they haven’t yet fought, their lives aren’t yet entangled, they haven’t had to work through issues or compromise on much. This “Cloud 9” high, is great, but it doesn’t last. It’s a true neuro-chemical drug-induced state that sooner or later you “come down” from and reality comes crashing back in. True mastery of love would be to know how to re-access these chemical states and actually enhance them over time as the relationship grows. The difference after the initial free high wares off, is that you have to give more energy and attention to sustain it, and consistently purify the relationship with fun, adventure, novelty, creativity, and most importantly, open hearted communication.
In our culture of instant gratification, cheap thrills, and no work ethic, most people stay perpetually stuck in the “thrill of the chase” stage where you play “the game” of building up a flirtatious and seductive fling. You’re getting high on the excitement of pursuit, there’s uncertainty and the possibility for failure which keeps you on your toes. You play the game and once you win, that is, once you actually hook up, have sex, and start hanging out, the excitement disappears. It becomes easy, mundane, expected, the chase is over, the thrill is gone. So what do you do, you trail off in communications, you stop being responsive, you fade away and begin again with another prey. Men and women do this all the time, usually leaving a broken-hearted victim.
It makes sense in a way because once that 2 week to 2 month easy high wears off, building a lasting love requires disciplined effort, and all of the ugliness of each person starts to creep out. It makes perfect sense, but it also keeps people in perpetual immaturity. Why do people get stuck in the addictive “chase” cycle, because they lack the patience and discipline to really apply themselves to build real love. The lack of true love, and shallowness of constant flings means ultimate lack of fulfillment and unhappiness, and often the inability to experience the highest states of ecstasy.
I’ve basically tried to establish this phenomenon of the love curve. We’re all some where along it. The goal I think should be to understand it, and find ways to healthily work through it so that it’s more evenly spaced. For example, in a long term relationship, when the initial spike drops, expect it, be aware of it, and don’t think that the love is dead, just know that like a garden, it will die if not properly maintained with TLC. So many couples are sexless for decades, then shell out thousands of dollars to therapists just so they can re-ignite that initial romantic passion. The next time you fall in love, keep a dairy together and take good notes on what felt the best so you’ll have a bread crumb trail to follow when times get tough.
Every person has certain stimuli that make them feel loved the most. It could be a word, a voice tonality, a touch, a place to visit, whatever it may be, the point is we need to know things like this about ourselves and our lovers, and we need to upkeep the practice of making one another feel loved. And we need to learn how to clear emotional space so that passion can be kept alive.
Again, like a garden, if you don’t properly bury the weeds and their seeds in sheet mulch, all the nutrients will be robbed and your crops will be grown over and buried alive. It’s easy to get lazy and let the weeds grow in relationships, so that you can’t even see what you originally planted. If you’re lucky it’s still there, but it’s going to be a hard job to clear it up and bring it into full production if you’ve let it go for a while. That’s why simple, steady, low-level maintenance is so important in love. Going back to the self love component, the more inner prep work you’ve done while alone, the less weeds will sprout in the garden of your love with a partner. With the right amount of preparation and maintenance you’ll be spending more time smelling each others flowers and tasting each others fruits than pulling each others weeds.
Just try to set the intention with yourself and your lover to keep a burning desire for each other alive, and make sure to have combustible chemistry always. It’s not easy, don’t blame yourself or your partner if it fades. The dropping off of the curve is natural, accept it and put effort into pushing it up to ever-higher levels! I great formula for sustaining healthy long-term relationships that I’ve learned and practiced is: daily affection, weekly date-nights, and monthly romantic adventures. I’ve added a couple bonuses: on demand 5-10 minute cuddle breaks and on demand spontaneous dance breaks.
Your sex partner should be someone with whom you share similar life goals. The more aligned your ambitions are the more stable and fruitful the relationship will be. Falling in lust and building a relationship without a foundation of purpose can often be a recipe for disaster. Co-creative synergy should be as important in selecting a mate as sexual chemistry and physical attractiveness.
Prayer and Intent
Before love making verbalize a shared intention, it could be to honor each other as divine beings, to deepen the love, or to achieve a specific outcome such as manifesting a promotion at work. Sacred sexuality involves sexualizing prayer and overcoming religious shame of carnal pleasure. Whatever names you use to call upon your God(s)/Goddess(es) of choice, addressing them in your love making ritual is essential. Many people exclaim “Oh My God” unconsciously throughout the act. In my experience, sexual energy is an amplifier of your prayers. If you want your prayers to make it to the top of the stack, state them clearly and believe fully that whatever request you make will be best received when packaged in a container of pure loving grace.
This is very subjective and variable. But to be safe, my experience and study tells me that for intercourse itself, 30 minutes or more is the optimal range for the magic to really happen. There are so many energetic and chemical currents, some raging, some very subtle, but they’re all epic in their development. The more time they have to flow, the more merging of consciousness can occur so that you become one unified vessel of blissful consciousness able to soar through higher dimensions.
Sacred Set and Setting
Creating a magical altar, lighting candles, burning incense, playing music, wearing sensual clothing, etc. can anchor a sacred mindset and on a metaphysical level, serve to disinfect the environment. Ritualizing the build up to union creates an atmosphere where consciousness is focused, attention is undivided, and the body has the cues it needs for juices to flow and for arousal to occur gradually from a deeper level of being. You may choose to burn sage and call in by name whatever spiritual allies you are close to and command that all things that don’t serve the highest good be banished, be they negative emotions, energies, or entities. If this sounds too occult or hippie-ish, it’s easy enough to simply verbalize that you intend to create a field of pure love where nothing but the truth of bliss is welcome.
Bathing is one of the most sensual activities you can share together. It’s always recommended from a sexual health and hygiene perspective, beyond that it effectively sets up the “take turns” approach to giving and receiving pleasure.
Energy comes from proper eating habits, hydration, regular exercise, rest and the right attitude. Poor diet, dehydration, lack of movement, sleep deprivation and a negative attitude will rob you of energy. Huge meals before love making can obviously sap energy. Light meals at least a couple of our before love making is recommended and trays of fresh fruit, berries, nuts, chocolate, and other healthy sensual foods to snack on throughout a love making session are quite nice and help sustain energy levels.
Dancing is the art of making love before or without having sex. If you haven’t danced with someone, how can you trust them with your heart and your sexual health? Dancing is an essential part of maximizing the potential of foreplay. It’s what starts all of the engines in the charka system. It gets the blood flowing, detoxifies the lymph system, and gets you energetically prepared for long lasting, full bodied, transcendent orgasms. It also creates a field within which only blissful emotion can survive, it makes the past dissolve, and allows smiles to bubble to the surface uncontrollably.
You can roll on top of each other at midnight after you click off the TV, knowing you have to get up at 6:00am, and the love making will most likely leave much to be desired. A better approach would be to shut off the TV a couple hours earlier and pretend you and your lover are the TV stars, act out and role play your own script, be your own entertainment, and make it a dancing musical while you’re at it!
Relaxation with Massage
When people rush to sex, they’re not taking the time to shed the energetic tension of the day. Massage is an exquisite means to bring the body to a state of complete and total relaxation. If lovers gave each other even a five minute coconut oil massage before intercourse, they’d experience exponentially more pleasure and satisfaction.
Full Attention and Presence with Meditation
Meditation is the key to focusing your full attention and into the body and the present moment. It can be as simple as closing your eyes and focusing your attention on deep breaths. There are infinite ancient and modern techniques from all over the world. It’s best to try a variety and decide what works best for you and your partner. Whether you’re sitting still, stretching, or dancing, the goal should be to quiet the mind.
Breathing, and Conscious Energy Circulation
Breathing techniques are extremely important. There are all kinds that should be studied and experimented with. According to Tantric and Taoist traditions, the breath can be the most powerful tool to circulate energy. It’s critical that the men master breathing techniques so that the high voltage sexual energy can be drawn up from genitals and circulate internally throughout the body, and externally when with a partner. There are many detailed diagrams of energy flow within an individual’s sexual energetic circuitry and the same for couples. I won’t describe these in detail here, but it’s enough to know that when shared sexual energy is built in a couple, it has to go somewhere. For many men who don’t consciously circulate their sexual energy with breathing, meditation, and visualization techniques, premature ejaculation is a lifelong curse.
If the energy is not consciously cycled within the individual or couple, it will get jammed in the genital area and eventually explode in the form of a fleeting orgasm. But when circulated, it can result in waves of multiple orgasm for both the female and the male, and thus push the couples unified consciousness into ever higher and deeper altered states of ecstasy.
Warning: breath and energy circulation techniques should be practiced only with the guidance master. Extremely powerful waves of energy can be released that require advanced methods of preparation to be able to safely endure.
Eye gazing, or sustained eye contact is one of the most intense forms of intimacy. It comes easily in the early stages of love and when practiced regularly during sex can play an important role in sustaining true love. Having sex in the dark or with eyes closed, or astray, allows the mind to wander. Consciousness can leave the moment, whether it’s to fantasize about someone else, or go over the shopping list, without eye contact, there’s no guarantee that quality attention is shared. It doesn’t have to be constant, but it should be regular, and it should be what starts the sexual session.
It’s not desirable to be fettered with all kinds of formal procedures, or to keep count of this or that, the point is to train in these things so that they become effortless and automatic. It’s just like martial arts, you train to learn the skill and eventually like magic the skill performs for you without arduous effort. Your consciousness is free to just be fully present in the experience as your body dances with the energy using the tools and techniques you taught it.
Basic Anatomy and Stimulation
Developing an understanding of female anatomy is so important. The dominant culture has trained men to believe that 100% of a woman’s pleasure is a direct result of his size when in fact the majority of erogenous tissue is in and around the clitoris. And only certain positions actually allow the penis to reach the G-Spot.
Sadly, porn cinematography favors the visually dramatic deep thrusting pattern which is typically the least pleasurable for the woman, and the most overstimulating for the man. The key is to balance the stimulation, so excitement builds steadily for both partners. Keep the thrusting pattern at a ratio that favors shallow over deep. This will protect you from overstimulation and keep her in a positive feedback loop of building anticipation and reward.
Another vital strategy to prevent premature ejaculation is to do what boxers do when they get exhausted. You know how they burrrow themselves into each other as though to hide from their opponents punches by limiting their range and velocity? Well you can achieve the same effect by thrusting all the way in and holding on tight with a bear hug so that the range of thrusting motion is limited and your stimulation is decreased. You’ll discover that being in deep for longer periods of time actually benefits your partner because she’ll be happy to grind on your public bone while you whimper and pant while regaining your strength for continued thrusting action.
Direct manual clitoral stimulation should not be done immediately, rather, slow caressing of the pelvic area should be gradually built up. Packed in the clitoris are as many nerves as the entire penis, and there’s a “circuit overload” phenomenon that can be quite uncomfortable and inhibit arousal.Direct manual clitoral stimulation should not be done immediately, rather, slow caressing of the pelvic area should be gradually built up. Packed in the clitoris are as many nerves as the entire penis, and there’s a “circuit overload” phenomenon that can be quite uncomfortable and inhibit arousal.
There is also the G-Spot, which is just behind the pubic bone in the inner vaginal wall. Insert one or two fingers and do the “come hither” motion to put pressure on the dense sponge-like tissue. Once you and your partner have located it with fingers and she can identify the sensation, experiment with various positions of intercourse and become more conscious of how to stimulate it with the penis.
The male anatomy is pretty self-explanatory, however most straight folk are unaware of the male G-Spot, which is the prostate. It’s about the size of a dried apricot and it can be stimulated from the outside by applying pressure between the testicles and the anus, or for the slightly more adventurous, from within via insertion of body parts/objects of your choice into the anus.
Everyone is different, everyone’s wiring is different; that is what’s fun about getting to know someone sexually. For someone to share with you what makes them unique and for them to train you to play them like a musical instrument can be a true joy.
I won’t go into detail about positions, oral techniques, thrusting patterns, etc. here, just study, experiment and keep in mind the principles of spontaneity and diversity.
Consider how when you put your clothes on, your body registers the sensation, but once it’s registered, it doesn’t keep sending you the same signals. There’s a trailing off of sensation once your body gets used to something so the changing of position, rate, depth, patterns, etc. often keeps the body guessing and the signals are more intense.
So how does the average American male understand his sexual energy and its application with a sex partner? Generally, like most things in patriarchal culture, it’s understood within a construct of goal oriented sports. Hence the metaphors, “Did you score?, “No, I only got to third base,”… Guys are culturally taught that the objective is to score, first by getting a woman in bed, second by performing athletically so that she reaches climax during or before his climax. No surprise that the locker-room wisdom for guys to keep from ejaculating prematurely is to “think of a sport where you haven’t shot the ball yet…”
The primary goal of simply having sex is far more rewarded and tallied in the locker room than the secondary goal which is to perform in a way the satisfies one’s partner. So although all men know they’re supposed to be able to “go all night long” most don’t bother to learn how. The average American married couple’s sex lasts for 3-5 minutes.
This tragedy is one of the main reasons why countless American women have never had an orgasm during intercourse, and if shamed away from masturbation, have never had an orgasm at all.
So what’s really going on here? There’s an orgasmic economy that’s very unequal. The untrained man is quickly overwhelmed by stimulation while his female partner is consistently underwhelmed. The man gets off and passes out leaving the woman teased and dissatisfied. This cycle repeats again and again until they cheat, divorce, or die.
Balancing sexual energy requires increasing duration and can be achieved with a variety of trained/practiced techniques and fundamental understandings.
For sexual union to bring both male and female partners into altered states of ecstasy, this balance has to be achieved.
Because of the physiological differences between women and men, it’s easy for a man to simply get aroused physically whereas a woman’s arousal originates from a deeper place physically and spiritually. It’s like building a camp fire, it has to be done according to certain principles. If you light a match and drop a log on it, it won’t burn, you have to take the time to make the perfect little nest of tinder, build a perfect cone of kindling, and in stages build up to a roaring fire.
The problem with most men is that we’re not aware of this because, it’s not required for us to climax. A minimum 30 minutes of intercourse is a lot to ask as many men can’t survive the intensity of stimulation more than a few minutes. Or if they can last for 30 minutes or longer, if their heart isn’t present, they’re not going to bring their partner to climax, hence the faked female orgasm.
Without becoming distracted or anxious by having a goal to perform perfectly, couples can work over time towards the ability to increase duration and heartful presence.
The real goal should be to focus full attention on your partner and the pleasure itself, it’s only with this full presence that the doors to higher dimensions open. However many men regularly project their attention elsewhere and thus never let their full energy, spirit, and consciousness fill up in the moment. That’s truly what builds female arousal, the physical aspect is secondary to this primary need.
With the understanding that in order to “satisfy” a woman, a man must last longer, what can he do? One way to visualize male physiology is to imagine a circuit breaker. When the circuit is overloaded it breaks and the lights go out. Ever plug in too many appliances at once, and everything shuts off and you’re standing there like a fool in the dark? Welcome to the bedrooms of millions of couples across America.
A man has to learn to distribute the high-voltage current throughout his whole body, this is the only way he can survive the intensity. First he must know that it’s possible to withhold ejaculation yet have multiple and continuous full body orgasms. Many men haven’t ever been introduced to this idea. In many cases, masturbation in adolescence was done quickly, secretly, and in a state of shallow rapid breathing under the stress and fear of being caught. That doesn’t set up a good neuro-physiological template for long, relaxed, sacred love making later in life.
Once the idea is learned, the art and science has to be studied, practiced, and mastered. There are many books, websites, videos, classes, etc. on ejaculation control, or as some people like to say ejaculation “choice”. Just Google multiple male orgasms, Taoist Sexual Kung Fu, and Tantric Cobra breath.
Another training technique that both men and women should do on a regular basis is kegel exercises where you repeatedly contract the “PC” (pubococcygeus) muscles on the pelvic floor in various intervals. They’re the same muscles used to stop the flow of urination. If you haven’t identified them, next time you urinate, do what you normally would to stop the flow and you’ve found them. When men regularly contract these muscles, they condition the ability to withhold ejaculation by contracting them as the urge to ejaculate arises. For women, the main application of conditioned PC muscles is to create more tightness and muscle control during intercourse.
Going back to the sports analogy, if the man is distracted and caught up just trying to make the woman climax, he’s not fully present, not fully being in the experience. If a woman is feeling anxiety because she wants to force herself to climax so she can make the man feel like he’s not a failure, and protect his fragile ego, she’s not fully present and enjoying the experience. Yes the climax of both partners is desirable, but as long as there’s mutual effort put in by both parties to develop the skills to have a general equality of climax over time, it won’t be the end of the world if the male either loses an erection, or prematurely ejaculates during one session. So the goal should be to not have a goal and to just feel as freely as possible, but to have done the homework to make disappointment the exception not the rule.
Have fun, be safe, be sacred. You are already a God, you just need to train and condition your sexual Godhood so that you can rise to the built in potential of your Goddess.
Tantra as Punk
The universe itself was danced into existence. According to tantric cosmogony, Shiva (masculine energy) and Shakti (feminine energy) combined to create a balance of matter and spirit. We’re the living manifestation of that balance, though in this profaned world age know as the Kali Yuga, the balance has been lost and social and ecological crisis are the result of a rampant dispirited materialism. Tantra, the mother of all Yogas, was developed in ancient India as a revolutionary praxis to restore harmony. It was originally taught by women and was made available as a public resource that transected the caste system.
When I discovered the radical nature of tantric tradition, it resonated with my punk spirit and ethics and made be look at the alchemical caldron of the mosh-pit in a whole new way. Perhaps, punks were unknowingly and without guidance tapping into a deeper pathway to ecstasy, empowerment, and bliss.
In early 2009 I attended my first tantra class. The teacher had the group of about 40 strangers (half women, half men) stand up and do some yogic body movements to get their energy flowing. Then she gave a presentation on the history, origins, concepts, and applications of an array of spiritual tools to reach higher consciousness through self-love and relationships.
She stated that her background was in eco-activism and community organizing. I was stoked because she approached this spiritual work as a warrior goddess and hoped to empower the group to liberate themselves from and resist the negativity and programming of the industrial system. Further, she emphasized the need to clean our bodies and energy fields and to elevate our consciousness.
She then organized us into a dance where all of the women created an outer circle and all of the men created an inner circle facing the women. She instructed the women to evoke their erotic goddess power to love, heal, nurture, seduce, and be wild and primal. The women were to build this energy through their dance and give full presence and attention to the man they were facing. The men were instructed to not engage our genital sexual energy, but rather to take the building heat and energy produced through the transfer of feminine energy, draw it up through our chakra systems, and apply it to visualizations of our highest self-transcending purposes. The exercise was intended to give women a safe space to really cultivate their sensual/sexual energies and apply these energies to heal and empower the men. This helped the men get beyond our base sexual desire and selfish egos and apply divine energy towards positive trans-personal transformation.
At first there was a lot of awkwardness and tension, but the teacher did an amazing job to help people understand this was not about coupling, or even being turned on. The level of presence and energy profoundly moved the men. They all seemed to be entranced and enchanted, not with the individual they were dancing with, but by the channeling of pure inter-dimensional energy by the whole group.
There was no touching, just dancing, deep breathing and eye contact. The key for this to work so well was that every minute or so the teacher clapped loud enough to be heard over the music, and the women rotated to the next man.
There were people of all walks of life and levels of experience with this kind of stuff. At first there was unease but the collectivity of love, trust, and abandonment of ego and self-hood led to a melting away of fear. Eventually we achieved the dissolution of our social masks that we normally hide behind and trap our essence in. A deep sense of unity was established and the level of healing that started to occur brought me to tears. This may sound like just a bunch of hippies dancing at a drum circle, but having experienced both, I can tell you that this was radically advanced.
I was making a sacred connection with each woman. They all opened their hearts and gave of themselves and the universe with such authenticity and purity it felt like making love to the cosmos, experiencing the goddess and being a god. Not just symbolically but experientially. It was a real felt experience: the presence of surging, flowing, electrifying, energy filling my body and giving me a tangible sense of spirit. I was able to work with it and direct it through my body, through my mind, my visions, and my intentions. Everyone was in tune, doing the same thing to create a sacred vortex of divine energy. If you don’t like the word “spirit”, simply “energy” will suffice. What we were being guided to create was a field of energy that was generated and charged by dance and connected with and channeled through the conduits of eye contact and breath.
It was so awesome to see the depth and richness grow and to see the men and women slowly let go of their shyness. It was a multilayer journey that started with a building up of fiery animalistic seductive energy, then moved towards a totally healing nurturing compassionate gentle maternal energy. The teacher kept people engaged, focused, and directed in their dancing and intention. By just saying a word, she was able to change the character of the entire room’s energy; you could almost see the colors change in the auric fields.
At the heights of the dance, each breath I took in, as my eyes were locked with a dancing woman, was like taking a hit of some kind of potent third-eye dilating drug that sent energetic shock waves through my entire being. As I danced, I felt what one woman described as the “sculpting of auras”. She said at first she was just dancing, in her self, dancing with movements she self-consciously created but as the dance evolved, she began to move in currents and patterns that were totally beyond her conscious control. She began to sculpt the male aura in a loving and healing way.
After the female to male exercise, the roles were reversed and the males were put in the outer circle and instructed to attempt to impress the females. This was really comical and challenging for many of us. The dominant culture teaches men that to impress a woman, one must offer a display of alpha male machismo, financial wealth, and/or social status. Without being able to pull up in a fancy car, act tough and intimidating, or appear to be of high rank, for the first time a lot of the guys were left with only their ability to speak through their eyes and dance movements.
We looked like a bunch of fools, but in time, energy from beyond our conscious minds began to animate us into sacred geometric patterns of motion that ended up becoming very much like what the females had been doing. We felt as though we were massaging and sculpting the auras of the females though with a more masculine type of energy. It was an exercise to bring forth the positive, constructive, creative masculine traits and create space to cultivate male strength and power in a nurturing and giving manner, not in the so often culturally conditioned hostile taking manner.
After the dances, the group did a series of chakra clearing exercises based on ancient Egyptian martial arts. It was basically a series of striking movements combined with breath and visualization whereby each strike is designed to break through and throw out blockages in our energy systems. It felt like a sort of DIY self-exorcism.
We closed the evening with a discussion of how we felt, and what we had experienced. After we all expressed how profound and life-changing the dancing was, the conversation moved in the direction of confronting patriarchy by using sacred traditional ways to restore balance. It was clear to all of us that the sacred feminine (which had been honored in prehistory but violently and systematically suppressed world-wide over the last 5,000 years) is never more than a few breaths away from all of us. As an energy it flows through all of us whether male, female, queer, straight, or any combination thereof.
You don’t have to read a book and believe what prophets, saints, priests, and gods tell you to believe and have faith in. You don’t have to imagine divine energy, you see it and feel it under the proper direction. Ancient tantric culture developed the means to actively engage real power and energy that we now suppress and deny.
I think the gateway concept to get people to understand the potential of this kind of healing/therapeutic/empowering energetic work is to ask if they’ve ever felt energetic sensations in their heart area. Everyone has had crushes, and many of us have been heart broken. During those times it’s impossible to deny that there are energy fields and circuits that exist beyond our normal perception of the physical world, and are beyond the current scope of scientific instruments of measurement.
You don’t have to follow a religious doctrine to discover and work with your own energy fields. There are many pathways to direct your attention towards them and to develop and cultivate them as you would your intellect or your muscles. Sacred sexuality, martial arts, singing/chanting, dancing, meditation, and many other means are available. Less ascetic cultures valued and held sacred the ability to transcend the normal waking state and access higher states of mind and body through ritual practice.
You don’t have be a freaky hippie on a commune, a Buddhist monk, or move to India to start to reclaim these skills. You can do it yourself, and it can enhance any lifestyle and social identity you have. Yoga is a ritualized practice that has transcended almost every sector of society. I am now thoroughly convinced that Yoga’s highest potential is realized by its maturation into Red Tantra (sexual yoga). Imagine a sexual health and wellness studio at every strip mall between the karate dojo and the yoga studio.
Blazing a Trail
In my early punk years I had fully rejected all religion and without knowing it, all spirituality. Within the last few years I’ve been able to reclaim experiences of the sacred, without limiting myself to belief in religion. Our profane existence can become sacred on our own terms. I used to chant “No Gods, No Masters” but now I feel more like we are all goddesses and gods, and if we choose a path of self-mastery, we can truly be our own masters. It’s my hope that we’ll evolve new ways to access very old sacred experiences that will help us return to sensually embodied, primal, animistic polytheism.
As I’ve pushed myself to go beyond the mosh pit and learned to dance in other circles, I’ve found that there are many allies for social justice that I once dismissed as hedonistic ineffectual hippies. Now I feel much more whole and balanced and can experience the best of both worlds. Punks can benefit from being more spiritual, and spiritualists can benefit from being more punk.
The new age movement is often blinded by its obsession with the light, and overlooks the pain and power to be transmuted from the shadow. As much as I love the hearts, flowers, rainbows, and unicorns of the more hippie scene, I’ll never be able to forget the powerful rage that comes from confronting the dark imagery of the profane reality that we inhabit.
Conversely, the punk movement is often blinded by its obsession with the shadow. Punks often won’t wear clothes with any color other than black, won’t transcend the lower emotional vibrations and transmute the rage into love. Worst of all, punks are in their own words “born to die in the gutter”; disillusionment leads to disempowerment, nihilism, and self-destruction, alcoholism doesn’t help. I’ve lost two band mates to overdose, and many friends to suicide. If only they’d tasted the elixir of tantric bliss, they’d still be here, healing more than hurting.
Eventually we’ll be able to synthesize the two visionary movements. The artwork of Jeremy Clark does this for me. It depicts both the dark and bright aspects of the post-industrial future. I’ve dedicated myself to building a bridge by creating sacred dance music with punk song structures, lyrics, and intensity.
Another punk aspect of tantra is its inherent radical feminist attitude towards the sexual ethics of consent. Tantra is a powerful tool to empower the masses to end rape and sexual abuse. Tantra demands absolute full presence and consciousness for consent, for how can you worship the divinity in the person you desire to touch if you’re blacked out drunk and/or forcing yourself upon them? What does every male rapist and sexual abuser have in common? The lack of a system of ethics that prevents them from disgracing themselves and others through misuse of their most holy object, their Lingam (Wand of Light). I’ve launched the Tantra Task Force to bring the practical application of Tantra into abuse prevention and sexuality education.
My Initiation as a Healer
Over the last several years I’ve been blessed to study under and train with an array of modern tantra masters. In the process I’ve discovered healing gifts I didn’t know I had and many who I’ve worked with encourage me to become a Daka (sexual shamanic healer). Like most ancient arts be they martial, sexual, medical, etc. modern western commercial society has reduced the richness and complexity of the tantric life path into sessions and weekend retreats. Though well worth the price, my punk ethics drive me to liberate this powerful healing modality and make it more affordably accessible to the low income masses. I feel strongly that I must serve in the spirit of Tantra’s traditional roots and make it a public resource to be experienced at legally sanctioned Goddess Temples. My poem Permaculture Goddess Temples lays out a vision for an edenic neo-tantric future.
Close your Eyes, Breath Deeply and Visualize this:
In a deep meditation the voice of the Goddess whispered to me: “Ben, what’s the fastest way to reforest the planet?” I didn’t know. She gave me this vision: train the rock and movie stars to be tantric sexual healers then put them through a permaculture design course. They’ll get off the hamster wheel of divorce and drug addiction and naturally choose to use their sexual capital to heal the planet. Imagine the tabloid headline: Sexiest Celebrities in the World offer Free Lingam and Yoni Massages for Anyone Who Plants a Fruit Tree.
For hundreds of thousands of years, sacred practices were developed by traditional cultures to connect people to each other, the earth, the sky, the spirit world, etc. in a way that gave them a sense of place in the cosmos.
If something is deemed sacred it’s treated with respect, it’s engaged in ritualistically, and it’s done with full presence and undivided attention.
How many things can you think of that are treated this way in daily life?
Our synthetic reality is fast, disposable, cheap, easy, careless, thoughtless, shallow, sterile, life-less, devoid of spirit. Statistically for the average American, sexuality is the same. The average married American couple has sex for 3-5 minutes once or twice a month, and for the individual, masturbation is a sinful, guilty, embarrassing, and mechanical shallow pleasure. The dominant culture has desacrilized and commercialized sexuality. It’s consumed though magazines, tv, movies, and pornography. It’s sexist, male dominant, and exploitative.
We lack the sacred traditions to teach us about and train us in practices and methodologies to use it as a pathway to discover and apply divine energies in our lives.
So-called Western society has been at war with sacred sexuality for millennia. It’s committed global genocide and ethnocide not only conquer land and pillage resources, but to destroy any living reminder of what it was like to be free; to love the earth, to honor the feminine, to have reverence for animals, to connect to the divine through the body itself, through direct experience, through altered states of ecstasy.
Many of us have been traumatized by religions that have systematically eradicated the ancient universal spirituality known as animism where everything was alive and contained a spirit. Religions designed by murderous rulers of civilizations took the sacredness that lived in all things and all beings, corrupted it, masculinized it and shoved it into a few buildings, objects, and books.
When those who’ve liberated themselves from the torturous prison of patriarchal religion hear words like “sacred” and “spiritual” it often makes them ill. It triggers flashbacks of extreme guilt and shame, horrific visions of hell and damnation, of the absolute betrayal of love and trust by the family, community, and institutions that imposed the system of domination on their body, mind, and spirit.
Why would we want mix these toxic feelings with something wild and fun like sex? Is sacred sexuality about more rules, more silence, more standing still and being made to feel bad about everything that seems natural to a human animal, being made to cover our bodies?
No, it’s about reclaiming the sacred and the spiritual and making temples out of our own bodies to worship with and to be worshipped, as we are the human manifestations of divine energy.
Sacred sexuality is not religious self-denial and abstinent devotion to “god”. It’s not hoping to catch a glimpse of the divine by reading books in dungeons cloaked in robes that cover the whole body.
It’s about embracing the self and learning how to make oneself a conduit of divine energy. It’s not about the belief in the divine, it’s about the experience of it, an experience that’s not controlled by a ruler, a saint, or a preacher; one that’s not denied or persecuted by a clergy; one that’s not considered schizophrenic by the mental health establishment.
What is “the divine”, is it god, is it gods, is it a man, is it a woman, is it a man and a woman, is it an animal or animals, is it aliens? I think it’s all of the above and more…
My working definition for the divine is that which is beyond our untrained senses, is intelligent, and is more powerful, aware, and wise than we are.
By entering altered states of consciousness, human beings can transcend the limits of normal waking conscious and gain access to realms beyond consensus reality.
To me, it’s not one entity that I can name and worship, it’s an ecology of inter-dimensional beings, energy, and information that exist in hyperspace, beyond space and time.
Normally, our senses block out 99% percent of what surrounds us. Imagine that in the one percent of perception that we call consensus reality (the reality most of us agree is real because we can all see, feel, taste, smell, and hear it), we’re just one little tide pool, unaware that we’re actually just a tiny micro-ecosystem within the greater ecosystem of the ocean.
If you asked starfish in a tide pool what lies beyond it, one might say, “well, there’s nothing beyond it,” another might say, “what lies beyond it is all one giant singular being that looks like me,” another might say, “I don’t know,” and another might say “maybe it’s a just a greater array of diversity similar to this tide pool.”
Whichever one of those starfish you are, or your parents are, or your nation’s dominant religion is, one thing is universal: every culture that’s ever existed is absolutely obsessed with what lies beyond our senses and will do anything to try to explain it.
The difference between force-fed religious dogma and traditional spirituality is that one is a based on “precepts” and the other on “percepts”. In other words, divinity is described by elite religious leaders and the followers must believe in the precept as it’s preached about or depicted in words or art. Traditional spirituality is perceived directly through one’s own experience of ecstatic altered states.
In shamanic cultures, tools and techniques are cultivated over generations and students are trained to preserve and carrying on the traditions. Shamans help guide the members of society into and back from the spirit world but the point is for people to have the right to chose to access it and learn from it whatever they want, to go in as deep or shallow as they choose.
In the shamanic framework, the earth and the universe are alive and filled with beings that have dimensionality beyond our normal perception. The infinite cosmic drama is ever unfolding, it’s not codified in one set of rigid mystical stories. Of course there are origin stories, and other constructs that hold a peoples’ identity together. But the mythology is alive, it’s open to new experiences, new insights, new revelations. The truth can’t be crystallized, and it doesn’t need to be. Only cultures based on fear need the security of a dead world and universe governed by a patriarchal ruler.
Most of the shamanic tools and techniques that open up our access to the divine have been banned and outlawed if not destroyed and erased.
But all the doorways inside of us are still there. The now dominant culture just locked the doors and threw away the keys so we’d stay imprisoned in its dead reality. But they can never destroy the doors, never take them away.
How can we reopen these doors? There are many sacred plants and sacred practices that act as magic keys.
In the 1960s an explosion in consciousness expansion occurred, the introduction of Eastern philosophy, transcendental meditation, psychedelics, new forms of music and more all broke the American psyche out of its stiff, straight, coma and things were groovy for a while. But it didn’t last because people lacked the life-long discipline of real shaman. Experiencing the great beyond was recreational, inspirational, “trippy” and “far out”, some people became modern shaman to the best of their ability and with their own devices, but most people were just tourists without a map. They’d either get lucky and fall down the rabbit hole into Disney Land, or end up spending a “Night on Bald Mountain”. But the power to gain access to healing energies, deeper insights, develop rapport with other sentient beings, the ability to see the future, communicate with the dead, and so on, has not been reclaimed.
Sadly it seems that it would take many generations the after the collapse of modern civilization for any of its former inhabitants to truly regain these skills. Luckily there are many intact shamanic cultures to learn from today and many of them invite outsiders to partake in their ceremonies.
Our individual access to the other side is highly restricted, and the opportunity to explore it with the guidance of real shaman is remote but we still have a few powerful keys we can develop. One of the most powerful, effective, free, legal, non-drug induced means to access the divine is the cultivation and application of sexual energy.
Whether alone, with a partner, or in a group, ritualized, sacred sexual practices heighten human consciousness into some of the most ecstatic altered states. With the mixture of eye contact, breathing, energy circulation, relaxation, duration, build up, words, intentions, presence, focus, consciousness, etc. the doors will open to the divine.
Sexual energy is the most powerful energy we generate, when cultivated and directed consciously it can be a magical tool to supercharge the manifestation of our visions for the future, it can be directed towards healing diseases, it can be used to transmute negative emotions and trauma into positive energy and empowerment, it can clean the spirit and enlighten the mind.
Great sex is usually just thought of as a wild ride, like an amusement park without purpose beyond satisfaction, but why waste the power that’s generated when it can be used to reclaim lost magical powers?