Tag Archives: open relationships

Divine Communication for Lovers TPP225

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In this episode I share the audio track from the Divine Communication for Lovers video program I released a couple of years ago. It’s a discourse on how to improve intimate communication habits where I share my experience and Herb Spiral Iris shares her insights alongside me.

 

Living the Dreams and Nightmares of Open Relationships with Mac Styles TPP206

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Mac Styles Pic

In this episode I’m joined by a new friend and fan of the podcast Mac Styles for an epic adventure into the deep mysteries of love, relationships, romance, jealousy, multiple partners, threesomes, marriage, family, and beyond. His book Sex, Chicken and CoCo Butter chronicles his journey of standing up to the limiting dominant sexy paradigm, and literally fighting for his life in the struggle to love and live freely.

We get a behind the scenes look at the mechanics of opening up a relationship and able able to learn from his hard lessons and apply his wisdom to our own experiments and explorations into more wild and free love styles.

I had a great time going along for the ride, his story contains all the makings of a great adult comedy movie, sit com, talk show, reality show, etc. I can’t wait to see the book grow in popularity and help countless people develop more holistic strategies to get their sexual, emotional, financial, and spiritual needs met.

About the book:

Sex, Chicken and CoCo Butter is a narrative taken from the pages of the author’s journals during the five years of learning about different sex lifestyles, including: BDSM, polyamorous, and swinging. Streaming from sex addiction he and his wife at the time, went through a lot of trials and tribulations creating events you couldn’t believe. The author generously opens up his life and relationships to showcase for readers the power relationships with people can have in their lives. The stories talk about people in different sexual lifestyles and life experiences to show a practice not so uncommon and with mistakes that shouldn’t be repeated. The author’s viewpoint will help readers look at their own lives and relationships who practice different sexual lifestyles. The book is definitely not all positive vibes, the author shares many parts of life that are downright hard, and will deepen the impact of a positive outlook on the reader’s relationships. First time author Mac Styles lived every moment on every page of this story and now leads a more relaxed life taking the lessons learned, studying more about these different sex styles, moving on with his life and practicing building healthier relationships.

Facebook page:  www.facebook.com/authormacstyles

You can buy on amazon here! https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Chicken-CoCo-Butter-Styles/dp/1097724883

About Mac:

Originally from Fresno California Mac grew up with a love for writing. Though a difficult childhood he experienced many difficult experiences, witnessing rapes, deaths, and drugs. Masters in Homeland Security, Bachelors in Organizational Management of Criminal Justice, and Certification in Human Resource he has made it far past he ever thought he would as a 10th grade drop out. His writings are taken from his personal life but surrounding his relationships and sexual frustrations, formed in a way to take you on a journey with him. Joining the military at the age of 19 travelled the world and experienced different cultures with a woman whom he also married at the age of 19.

Mac suffered in his relationships due to a sexual addiction that plagued his relationships because of a lack of understanding and experience. Though guidance and mediation being able to channel that energy and focus it in a positive manner has inspired his writings in hopes to have people understand relationships are stronger than you could believe if honesty and sincerity is the base.

Through the last 5 years Mac has practiced BDSM and polygamous relationships and recently over the last 2 years shown an interest in tantra and energy work. Being deployed overseas has been challenging but through different mentors in Europe and a strong passion for understanding he seeks to spread what he has learned to prevent the mistakes he’s done in the past.

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Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin hello their beloveds welcome to Township on podcast episode number 206 that being joined by a Mack Stiles and he has been a fan of the podcast and we’ve he said some some kind words and reached out and I’m always interested in having folks who honor me with their kind of tension to share feel like they have a form to share the projects are working on until I get some feedback and hopefully some some attention from the audience and so with that said Mac thank you for joining me excited to hear about what you’re working on and and your backstory Beth amazing Gaston I’ve learned so much from you and I appreciate the offer on your podcast I wrote a book about my introduction into the lifestyle and it was really it expanded into so many different directions I started out as you would say walking around in the dark so to speak on not knowing which way to go as a young adolescent I got married at really young age are married at 18 because of the military so I had to bring my girlfriend with me so we moved into went to high school and went to Spain travel the world saw things but I just wasn’t wasn’t happy sexually if there was no communication between me and my wife and I just kind of logged all that as as we’ve been through and it turned into be pretty good look I’m getting good feedback and I’m returning to be a Lessons Learned book on what not to do and its raw form I was in writing the book you know I I was going to have somebody to chop it up a lot and edit it and everything but I kept in their claws for I’m just checking to see what you get out of the book is really from a Tuesday on an introduction into Queen Polly Polly life and BDSM that sounds great so yeah you know it’s good to hear that there’s people out there who actually showing some of the Shadow men certainly the struggles to get to that point so do you want to tell us kind of give us an overview of the contents of the book and some zoom into some of the highlights from the the journey to opening up and I’m and how are you all reconciled or didn’t reconcile the lifestyle change I’m so the the journey really really really begins when I meet when we go when I travel back to the FaceTime you another woman my wife at the time we had everything like we had the money we have the car as we had an amazing house six-bedroom house do you know that you had kids and all aspects of the world we were living the American dream but I we weren’t communicating with us every time we would get something in return to a fight and you see that in the book so really as soon as I found someone that was open and gave me the power to do what I wanted that it was like a magnet and all she needed to say was I think you need to tie me up and I was on it and you know Google is amazing if you know that look for but if you don’t know what to do and your girlfriend tells you say I think is it time yet the first thing normal people do regular people do would be go to Pornhub or spec site and and try to study what they were doing so there’s there was no real education for me in this realm I was just kind of going off of it and you’ll see later in the book that I found a mentor and then I have the Battle of fighting my ego and listening to everyone in their twenties and early thirties think they know it all so to speak so I’m I go through a process of learning and eventually now I’m a lot calmer cuz of Tantra meditation and and listen to the other plate other podcast study more about what I was doing wrong on the reconciliation I eventually for the divorce mostly because of the separation or I have been done been deployed now for four years and was just wasn’t getting any better so I still love her I love her to death. I have nothing but good things for I want the best for my my beautiful girls at two beautiful girls so I wish nothing but I love her to death but it’s just not a marriage situation that I’m looking for Taurus zodiac few things to catch up on their it sounds very interesting and very evolved that can just tell in your voice that you’ve put a lot of effort into this and it sounds like you know I’ve said for a while that’s if only we put as much emphasis on training and coaching for the sexuality Arts as we do for sports and violence than we would have really balanced cultures and really satisfied people in in and maybe some relationships would be will be healthier so going back to what you were saying what you were doing wrong all along what I’m curious what what do you want now looking back do you feel like we’re some of your the mistakes that you made and your journey so folks who are also starting off can learn from your wisdom and save them spare themselves are learning things the hard way so to speak that I was trying to protect my wife by lying to her like that I need it I knew that if I talk to a fight but when she found out alive we were fighting anyways so from me it was trying to protect the woman that I love and that I want to be with but I just wasn’t happy sexually so trying to communicate better and pushing that it seem like no matter what I did I wasn’t going to happen so but it’s not going to happen either way if you don’t communicate it then it’s not going to happen if you do it behind our backs and it’s the trail and it’s even worse though in through the rest of that run women are so strong and can put up with a live there in love with that person communication and studying and not being ashamed to get a mint or somebody who’s done it before I could have avoided a lot of misery if I would have listened to my mentor and been a lot more honest with the things that I was doing you’ll see in the book are there was there was some times that I love my girlfriend way more than I should have loved my way more than I love my wife at the time cuz I was I was just happy that power of that feeling of happiness that overcomes you is very powerful and learning how to balance that with with a family and a wife and trying to be trying to have things if you want it was very difficult we were we were a poly couple for probably about 8 months to a year and it worked out really well but at the end I was I was lied to the wrong situation and it ended up being exasper so you’re saying that you were that you had basically what people would consider an affair right he had an affair with somebody who who was on a more open path and you’re starting to experience kind of an out-of-the-box thinking sexually and have some of your frustrated desires be fulfilled and that was that was happy but then that you’re saying that that relationship that probably Affair relationship ended badly that there was something at the failed error. Right time of year that was the what’s the difference is where I would probably still be with the girlfriend if I if I wasn’t so far away but yeah we were after after I have the affair then I have the great idea of bringing the girlfriend to the wife and that one over horribly at first but then threw time he has a marriage counseling and and after she almost tried to kill me a few times she pulled a gun on me she tried to stab me and it just got really that really dramatic there for a little while and I was your wife is a Griffin girlfriend in love with out for about a year and we are all together having fun and I had a blast Republic happiest I’ve ever been enough when I kind of decided that was I wanted that lifestyle poly rope that poly lifestyle and and now I’m able to do that I’m able to I’m able to balance that and and have no type of relationship lessons learned of being open and honest and expressing what I want what I need wow that that is amazing that should be a sitcom that should be I mean really you that’s the American dream having your cake and eating it too and and and actually do it like you should you didn’t she didn’t kill you you cheated run away you didn’t run away you didn’t you didn’t leave your kids you know you didn’t you actually stayed and manned up and held your post down and ran your business of being a family man and and you sustained her wave of rage and then now I’m super interested in how you were able to master that transition of integration and transmuting her that Rage of hers into acceptance like that is what we all I thought I would say all straight or straightish men or whatever you know if wish that they could have your cake and eat it too and have what in the poly Community they call in re new relationship energy and think that’s a nice way of I mean the there’s there’s lots of I think really proactive and emotionally intelligent new terms that are coming out from the Poliwhirl like compersion about you know the opposite of jealousy actually enjoying seeing pleasure happened with someone who love that it’s in your in your just avoid her or you just know about it and feeling good about a resin bad and this other notion of new relationship energy the old Paradigm would be from a negative Place saying oh you you hate me you sick of me you don’t want me you want some BLS I’m shit so I’m going to be suicidal and homicidal now as opposed to being like Oh new relationship energy I get it I seek that too I feel like seduced in excited by that every time I walk out the front door and actually went to go and favor and then had tacos and margaritas after it was as if it was a very Twisted web and I look forward to turn into some type of thick, movie or something cuz it was it’s a really good read I’ve got nothing but good reviews I’m not the greatest the book isn’t the greatest as far as the sexy and then there’s the second in there but it’s it’s in there for a reason when when we connected like there’s a scene where me and my wife and my girlfriend I’ll get a room at a hotel and we’re having a good time together and my wife is in her face and I’m and I’m you know having sex with my girlfriend and we all connect and it’s perfect like that feel like I was on top of the world and then my wife went to the bathroom and then me and my girlfriend who really like really getting it in life turn around the corner and saw that I was enjoying myself basically without her and she flipped the script she ran to the car so let me in a hotel you know 3/4 miles away from the 3-4 hours away from the house and it was just a complete disaster so we went through all of that so endure that and put up with a lot of those things as isn’t far-fetched that’s that was the old way this is even more if it’s even more exciting cuz I think this is like it’s so I feel like figuring out how to get to Mars on figuring out how to have cold fusion even World Peace it’s like making I think we’ll get this feels like it’ll be sooner and you would appreciate this from you know you’re at your career is it like it’s like it’s more likely almost I think that that we will all come together and meltdown all of the national borders sing Kumbaya and forget all of the religious conflicts before women in these situations and men but people in these situations will actually not be psychotic around sharing each other’s body with other people like and it seems like if we saw that if we can figure out how to solve that then these other bigger issues of world peace and and green technology and you know economics like I think they’re all going to flower and Blossom from these bedroom issues so if you could I would love to to zoom into that because you know iPhone I’ve been dancing on those eggshells you know and and really studying these interpersonal Dynamics and I’m trying to figure out how to find those harmonious interactions among the women wear the obsessiveness over who gets the man and who gets the majority of the man’s wealth which is what is the bigger subconscious thing to me especially if you have the kids I mean it’s an economic bargain you know on your it’s it’s there’s so much going on there about who is going to take the Lion’s Share literally the Lion’s Share of like what efforts were talking about a more Primal State it’s like the economics of your the stud and you come back with a kill and of course you’re going to share with everybody but there’s going to be a sort of hierarchy of who you share it with which members of the clan or the tribe of the band in the psych those sexual politics around around resource-sharing they get they can get very tricky but there is a sweet spot and I think we used to know how to be very women to you know they could bargain with their with their sexuality and men with bargain with their sexuality and we’re just going to such a high-stakes game now where if you did if you did fall in love with someone else I would say that I would imagine the logic of your wife is that I’m going to be homeless at the soup kitchen line with my kids being taken away by the state if this guy if this guy has more pleasure with someone else I am at risk of losing my you know my Empire or you know the queendom of the kingdom of whatever so could you talk about your just get really deep into the as much as you can you know you care to share that isn’t too you know confidential or whatever route what you were learning from the conscious and subconscious conflicts between the women over you and your resources and your cock and your love in your heart I would say that you’re right on about the Primal Instinct there because she didn’t give up even give up a lot of jealous thing did a lot of you would say things were okay but then we came to do them we would fight for it almost did not let things things sexually between us started getting better because of the competition we were having sex almost every day I I was and no secret Manor will I ever go to sleep tight back and there was no conversation on anything outside of that so once I got the girlfriend things became very very interesting she started finding the swingers party she started trying to compete and make you happy so I would that would agree with you in the fact that I started to pick up after that getting down deeper I think both of them really love me and help me out in the situation cuz I didn’t have a father either I was there when I didn’t have a family member to turn to if they hate my life who was amazing but it only get you so far until you run out of this is Uncharted Territory for me and I don’t know what to do wow this is even this is just continuing the flow and get more amazing your Vista Camanche is because I mean I have I’ve sacrificed a lot to avoid a lot of you situations and but you had The Bravery to go through it and live it and and you know I’ve been I’ve been a fugitive on the run from some of the most excited women who have just made me very I would say hesitant to to get into those deeply embedded financial and and and familial relationship relationship dynamics that make it like so explosive and destructive when things go go wrong you know so I have like the time has been good for me because it does give you that sort of permission and exaltation to not be a householder and do your spiritual path and devote up to vote one lifetime or you know however many you want but it’s like you want to walk away from the village and go be a freaky you know you know Shaman Mystic out in the mountains or whatever like that’s cool you know and then you might have some insights that can trickle back down and and serve people who are living that really routinized family life and so you kind of you give them both so that makes you a hero and contract terms a Time trick hero for doing the spiritual work and the family work and in an opening up so I applaud you for that for sure and I want to ask you also know about so this is very very interesting when you what you just and this would definitely be like an important part of a film script r or a playwright you know where you’re you’re really exposing something that we all know about which is you know you could call him any different things but for lazy sex or just going through the motion sex or even what one of my partner said when I was becoming, not so much a Lazy Lover but it wasn’t like you said we weren’t talking it wasn’t knew it was like the same as just became the same fucking thing and it was like in in the the pockets of time in between work and commuting and chores and whatever and it just was not sacred it wasn’t scheduled it wasn’t really high energy and it was done when we were exhausted and all we could do is just lay there on her fucking sides at a point so yeah I could you can talk more about that because I think we all get in that trap and if that’s what kills everything you know cuz afterwards she enjoyed it she enjoyed doing the party enjoyed playing with other girls and experiencing that but it took it took a lot to me to find another girlfriend that was do it openly and that it would be okay for us to get to that point and it should have never experienced those things together instead of the why am I not enough why can’t you just be satisfied with me constant discussion that was whatever to always go back to 2 the wheel of boredom in inconstant didn’t answer that routine was a war I have everything I had the family the kids cars that I were in that aspect of life I would have been content but I just the routine was killing me something to break me out of that routine I went for it I was happy in that power that work happy is very very powerful you want to stay somewhere. The woman that I was with the girlfriend didn’t have all those things you were the borderline alcoholic and I couldn’t talk to you if you were my friend and turn made her want to do more and the Twisted the story towards the end is she made me get rid of the girlfriend found a new girlfriend and I was supposed to be for both the bus with him leaving me tell me if you want to divorce you didn’t have time later but ended up having another girlfriend and not include me in it not coming home you know how I dealt with that in the book was probably not the right answer either cuz I wouldn’t say I was jealous but when your wife doesn’t come home and she’s off with the girlfriend everyday and I got a taste of my own medicine I ended up going back with the girlfriend and then we started to start living her life with her girlfriend I was with my life with my girlfriend and family Dave do both kind of sit in the house and plan on each other and in that aspect I think that was stuck with the most was with my kids with my grandma with their grandma or my family by my wife not coming home yeah man this is this is so interesting honestly feel like this is what if America hadn’t been so grotesquely addicted to the toxic drama and that was being screwed by Jerry Springer imagine if Jerry Springer was actually a ton trick Master healer BDSM coach all those things and he would actually facilitate group orgies on stage and it would just you know it would go x-rated after a certain point you know it could be a he’s actually stirring up an and reinforcing all of the negative sex sex negative homophobic like like those I just think about every Jerry Springer episode if I could have been there to counterbalance what with a paradigm that was being maintained by Jerry Bengston we will be talking we will be all having these Oprah like crying her eyes out give me a box of tissues moments of like people actually realizing hey it’s okay to like see another man naked fucking her wife if it’s okay to you no have a girlfriend cuz your boy because your husband has a girlfriend and you want to have your own thing like and just actually thinking these things out well maybe that was great for grandma because she wanted to hang out with the kids for well well this is not mean seriously this is needs to be the night the new enlightened thing because people can learn a lot from this and I’m really fascinated by the like I feel like if there’s if there’s anything on my run has a lot about now it’s about it’s about like showing initiate women into the mystery of not necessary lesbianism but at least bisexuality so that they see what they’ve been missing out on and it sounds like you were so successful that almost backfired on you but I feel like I want to say that’s a good problem to have because you know what I think is so beautiful about bisexuality is that is that it short-circuits that I have to be everything to you script because if you know somebody’s but like if I know a woman’s bike actual I will know that I can never ever be more than 50% of meeting her needs and so I can be content with that and I don’t have to consume all of her and control her and find her I can be like yeah I know I’m only going to be like half the battle of you know when it comes to your your your love and sex life so I’m cool with that and going to win on these things yet go out for now go up on what just the the process of the other process of what I guess what it was like for you to facilitate the initiation of a woman into like had she ever been with women before was a totally new to her when she totally freaked out by it and then she warmed up or I had expressed a little what I wanted and she said that she was curious but and you wanted to do the thing every time the situation came up it was always the first the very first woman that we were able to have a girl on her phone and talked and acted as my wife basically saying hey come help me with this dick and I swear to God it wasn’t it wasn’t five minutes because she was knocking on the door blanket and pillow ready to have some drinks and get it in but my wife and then and then but then my wife was like no I have to make sure my mom has all all the tax information if you need to find excuse for everything what I wanted and he’s going to do it for me so she took a deep breath is a story of the spot for a couple weeks and then we did it again and then there was some funny story that you start this the woman is going to have rules of what you want what what makes me the wife what makes me more special than her why or whatever so her rule was I couldn’t I couldn’t eat out another girl we went out to a is going into the book too but we went out to the club and we all had a good time I wasn’t drinking cuz I was with you. But once we got to see if I binge drank and base with this plan blacked out and she I don’t remember much of anything so I don’t drink much anymore like to do it myself but he was so mad cuz I guess I hadn’t the girl out and she was so mad you left outside and she thought she locked herself outside in time we were on the beach and in the naked woke up naked outside and I ended up waking up and she wasn’t there and hand that turned into this situation was a lot harder otherwise this was a lot easier this process is a lot harder Because You Loved Me a lot of jealousy involved but I think that if I would have been a lot more able to communicate what I wanted and make sure that she felt more special and I gave her something where I pay more attention to her than it would have been in love with love and respect those things that I wanted would have been I don’t think that I was doing that as a husband I was cuz I was bored I was upset I was mad at the fact that every time you try to do something so I wasn’t getting money for filled and I definitely wasn’t feeling her and there was the conflict of you want to do this for me but afterward they haven’t benefit out of it now I’m right now I’m I’m able to realize by the person needs attention in this matter if holidays and and then I need to pay more happy to give you those things yeah that says a lot right there because you know I think that’s the that’s the secret and that’s The Sweet Spot and it’s really a paradox because a lot of times it’s like people don’t seek that new relationship energy until the nest is is fouled and and it’s like in a perfect world it would be a preventive it’s like one ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure you know so stay hey we know we’re going to get bored with each other the the honeymoon phase is going to wear off we’re going to really start like looking over each others shoulders you know as we kiss and because we know that’s inevitable let’s actually set up those parameters now and figure out what we got to do to have the most solid and secure primary family Corps Duty responsibility relationship happening and that way it’s always adding a bonus and it’s not feeling like it’s it’s exploiting a weakness to to to have the new relationship energy in it and you know a perfect world we would all be doing that but it’s almost like in the shin hurts like people have this aversion to two contracts you know how they say like by like the saying contracts are going to save more friendships and they’re going to destroy even if it’s things like borrowing a few bucks you know what I mean like people think are no contracts that’s for strangers and people who don’t trust each other know it’s for fucking everybody and every one of your other podcast you were talking about remember that remember that new love feeling look what you did to make that person feel special or the things that made each other happy because like you said that like the other podcast back towards the end of the you know when the love is gone and the feeling is gone and they don’t remember how to make that person to do that way again and that is a lot of the writing that I’m doing now to the things that are working is what been taught me today to put in number two in and how I developed them came from the wandering in the dark to the light sand and opening my third eye so to speak in the realm of well I will again I’m really touched knowing that I’m having this affect tinnitus that you know this is really the I feel like so much of the work that I do is like really sci-fi and it’s kind of like something that should be quarantined into a very no Dark Sector of research on human sexuality but really the fruits the fruits of that composting that the sewage of the human no experience should be that we have way more happy and healthy standards for getting our needs Madden for avoiding the really toxic and negative things that that turn into different forms of abuse so you know what to hear you talk about it really been able to apply some of the the more sunny day bright shiny happy stuff that I can talk about it’s really it’s really nursing for me to hear that cuz that’s just yeah man we should we should not be we should not be feeling like Humanity was born yesterday with all the stuff you know like every generation should be building on more wisdom and so thank you for doing this this great work it’s so brave of you to have explored this and now I’m really excited about the book I hope you have a great voice to would you consider doing an audiobook version for those of us who are so so multitasking and Hyper testing that we can’t barely slowed down at my editing skills are probably not up to par really should be so yes I am but I’m definitely going to and I want to write the script I really went through so much I don’t think there’s ever going to be a movie out there at the live the life that I live the during actually wrote this years ago and in the process of everything but I was too nervous and do the same dance to at all these emotions surrounding that that it was impossible to publish but I feel like I’ve grown into another person so to speak that I am not that person anymore and I can learn to that other people shouldn’t have to go through for sure man so also yeah happy to go for another few minutes and and get into the other sort of this the subplot or if this was a movie you know you would get the scenes of you and your personal Agony and your personal process and then the the scenes of the two women that you’ve introduced in the storyline and their private worlds and their ways of dealing with things and then all the just the snapchats that you would get from the different triangle Dynamics but there is like a another character which is kind of the Medicare actor and that is the mentor you speak of so could you tell us about how that relationship development evolved and then how that started to inform you and certainly I think most importantly when you say that if you would only had that meant to her earlier on you would have made these mistakes I’m super curious what that meant to or told you later that you would have applied that would have made these things work better in addition to what you said about how you just you know you could have kept it clean her house as far as the beekeeping the relationship more secure but yeah whatever you got from that let’s hear that and there was two speeches is being kind of Taboo in the area so I opened a swinging Groupon on social media and if we rushed it was doing amazing I was having parties before it was everything that I wanted but I want entertainment at my party so I started searching out for performed or something along those lines and I met up with a guy who was offering that service and he turned out to be a great friend of time and he started telling me about his role as a Dom and just started like Steve college and I was like I had no idea that was just deep and then I started diving into more of the DSM stuff because my girlfriend wanted it I really didn’t know what I was doing last night so he would he would teach me really the mental game of things that I stood 50 doing as far as paying attention or even different techniques with DSM how to flush don’t know how hot I mean it can be taught to do it correctly or where is the Rope play is I’m still learning that I’m I’m going to a lesson on Thursday so I mean there’s so much to learn in this realm how to be better and what to do better there’s always something new to learn from I mean if you go to summon to you I guess DSM Fire play and all that kind of you have to be able to look for a little boy got me to the point where I was able to pinpoint different person sign in to make sure that she came quickly or I could pressure point then he was very educational land and taught me a lot of very humbled to he was a good Mentor at the time that’s cool I’m glad to hear that and I think that should go that should serve as a public service announcement that end in the sometimes underground sometimes more above ground but but certainly in the adult communities there is a lot of mentorship available and a lot of camaraderie and solidarity and people are very open and very excited to share and to greet new people in the yeah I think as men it’s must much less that is as in with all sectors I think it’s much less predatory and you would have you would have less of a of a chance of having a bad experience you know just showing up to a play party or a dungeon or whatever so I would say if any if it if to the young women who are listening to this you know use the buddy system because not not everybody out there and in these Realms has your best interest at heart and maybe you want to go for that hike if it’s your thing to be you know put into into risky situations then I’m not going to you no say there’s anything wrong with you but I would say that there is there’s a lot more good than bad I think that if the case could be made that it’s the it’s the the vanilla Society where the Shady stuff happens because there are no rules no is no discussion and Consciousness so it’s probably probably safer in a dungeon then on the street or at a club member always welcome and always willing to teach and I’m sure what they got what they want to do and I’m watching normally at those type of education welcome to learn from each other so and I definitely don’t put yourself into a situation where there is locked door is too and I’ve been doing this now for seven or eight years and I rarely have been experiencing some bad experiences in my book because there’s there’s a couple where drugs does the party than I thought things were going to get out of control but I was able to calm him down and then the situation is still out there but more often than not wanting to pass their knowledge so definitely keep out the mentorship and and if you have any questions yeah I find somebody that I found them by the accident but knowing that you can go to those those website and type in words you can find pray I’ll survive well this is really been a treasure and unfortunately the audio quality has been phasing in and out which I think we should talk again sometime and and if I go up and see if we can get a better audio call you but I will do my best to get this to to sound as good as I can but I think that overall the the vibe is set and I feel like it’s a it’s even more of a teaser that it’s like oh my God I just want to I want it I want to hear this whole story I told you this totally and that is a good spin on some trouble that I got myself into but section and you can find it on the page author next by Kool and I will do you want to give so that was good enough for just for people to find it do you have an exact homepage website or just Google search Amazon right now but there’s no other book that I can find that sex chicken and cocoa butter cocoa butter yes that is it sounds like a fun evening yeah can’t wait to know what that with that actually is is talking about so I do want to say and respect life has been nothing but supportive and because we put I put a lot of the you know the secret lives on on post are on on blast and then so she’s been very supportive and loving and I think she’s growing as a person to so I want to commit to her in the mail my ex girlfriend because they’ve both been so amazing so in support of something that was a secret world 2 at one time yeah thank you for saying that I actually have a book that is in editing with the publisher right now and I can say the same thing like I just want to thank everybody who I gave a fictitious name to but basically totally exposed in and put a spotlight on you know hopefully was all for all of our growth and evolution and and for sure man I’m glad that that’s working out for you and who knows maybe she’ll hit me up and be like hey I wrote a book to Bam here’s the other kids riding her but everything okay you come come with your book and then you fucking like man this is so constructed like thank you for being constructed with this this usually goes in such terrible horrific and then the children are always the ones who are victimized the worst when when adults don’t have their their bedroom game figured out right so you know so right on that will I wish you the best and yet hope you feel all so you know that you’re you’re fighting the good fight out there in the world and I wish you the best in that department and she have any other words you want to share the clothes that’s great but I think you did a great a great job and thanks for for sharing everything is really a blast thank you was an honor you for listening to the touch of Time Podcast please go to www.crunch.com and click on the Donate button to help support the shop in addition to sustaining and improving the podcast your donations will help establish permaculture goddess Temple after bite ecological employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email been at Country Park. Com Thomas gay

 

Holistic Sexual Health with Alexandria Baker TPP185

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Tantra Punk and Alexandria Foxxcroft Pic

Happy Valentines Day!

This episode is the audio track from the Holistic Sexual Health instructional video featuring Alexandria Baker. We geek out on best practices for sexual health from a holistic perspective. We address the fundamentals of protecting your body temple from sexually transmitted infections, ethical disclosure and management of persistent infections, safer alternative approaches to “hooking up”, and much more!

Here is an info graphic that helps illustrate my approach to love and relationships:

Spiral of Intimacy graphic

About Alexandria:
She’s a southern California sex educator, Hatha yoga instructor, ethical luxurious natural beauty and skin care entrepreneur, model, and performance artist.

Please visit Alexandria’s website and Youtube channel at:

https://www.fromalexandria.com/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcTemJEFn3GVpGuCbJnu6Yg

AI Generated Transcription:
(Want to help with corrections? Please contact me to learn about rewards for your efforts!)

Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin hello dear beloved Smoke on the township on podcast episode number 185 I’m doing an episode to commemorate Valentine’s Day I have a the audio track from a video that I did with alexandrea Foxcroft and it is to sex Geeks talking about how to have holistic Sexual Health considering many factors of what’s going on on the surface of the virology of sexually transmitted infections and also the psychology of relationships and the building of intimacy and various stages that can help help to prevent disease and unwanted attachments and really it’s it’s based off of something that I’ve called the spiral of intimacy in the past and I will include the graphic in the the episode pages is a graphic that I like to use to give people more opportunity to think out of the think out of the box when it comes to do the bedroom in really how to protect your body Temple how to be smart and safe and have a safe and sane Valentine’s Day so hope you enjoy it on this day do you want to talk about what now what are some of the standard kind of approaches to teaching safer sex practices it’s been in my life evolved since the real big HIV early days and you know now we have these superbugs that are you know antibiotic-resistant and so there’s a whole new threat landscape that I need to be educated about so yeah wait what are you what are some some basics from the field so I grew up in a private school and semi-synthetic sex education was very minimal it was taught in a class called marriage and family and it was pretty much one day of if you have unprotected sex you are exposing yourself to the risk of Gonorrhea chlamydia herpes HIV and the emotional distress that will come from knowing that you had sex outside of the Sacred vows of marriage and we didn’t get that education on what to do to prevent STDs or STIs and fortunately in public school systems many across the country they do give an overview of okay if you you if you were going to choose to have sex here is hot what you can do to stay safe this is a condom this is how you put it on using some sort of genital proxy like I like a banana or maybe eat something that’s in another thing that’s in the shape of a penis so that you can see how you unroll it and put it on and I didn’t have that education myself this is just from talking to friends and talk and text for its how this is what what these classes are like but we still don’t discuss what pleasure is and how to have an experience that is beneficial and positive for all parties involved and so that’s where I would like to see our next step of sex education come in and very infrequently do we talked about oral barriers which are just as important as using condoms for men and condoms for vaginas and these are important components to bring into the sexual conversation so that we can stay safe and stay healthy even have pleasure while doing it and yeah we love that so that’s that’s really important and I would love to shift the conversation from when you get an STD this is bad you did something that’s wrong too things happen I get colds I’m sure you’ve had the flu before it’s an illness and with a lot of these STDs and STIs you can take an antibiotic get a shot we had medication that allows you to live a life that’s fairly normal or very close to normal if not just as normal as before you were diagnosed with this STD or STI and so it’s not this horrible life ending thing and to pull back on that shame in that stigma will be fantastic and that also comes from being more comfortable with talking about it and be more comfortable talking about it with friends or with Partners or people that you’re thinking of having sex with just to normalize that dialogue more and start talking about condoms and start talking about the different kinds of protection that you’ll use and it can even be discussed in a sexy way like I’ve certainly had a bit of metal for play with talking about okay play well all by my favorite kinds of condom and you buy your favorite kind of condom and we’ll see what feels better and we’ll see what we like that’s like that it can be a little PC thing definitely definitely won’t I feel like this is the the kind of attitude approach this really a valley re-evaluating and really honoring the gift that condoms are you know in history of the world I can commiserate with the masculine perspective that it can sometimes make it can sometimes interrupt cycles of arousal and make make arousal difficult to achieve or to sustain that usually affecting people as they get a little bit older and it’s not so much of a big deal younger but then you know there’s a million excuses for why people want to be inconsistent in their their practices which is where you get in trouble you know is is to make poor decisions and so there’s that there’s that potential issue is also just the idea some people say wearing a condom is like wearing a ring gear in the shower you know that me and this bring out some of the heating stuff at Big O’s on and there’s excuse excuses and this is what I want to say and talk to you about a little bit so I see fluid bonded partnership which is the I think the a sweet and sexy but also clinically kind of accurate way to see if you’re not using a barrier than your fluids are coming into contact him and you’re being bonded it at a deep level there and so it also lends that concept of like well you should be very spiritually bonded and very ethically bonded with whoever you were fluid bonded with because there’s a high level of trust and responsibility that goes with that so this is kind of something to a line of thinking like that you know what process with you yeah which is that a lot of people don’t really preserve they don’t hold their sexual health is very precious and obviously if you get drunk and you’re blocked out then even if you did hold a precious Steven capacity to having a sloppy sex with people while you blacked out so what I would love to see people have is this a deal that being fluid bonding with with one or more persons is a very sacred very precious very requires a lot of trust and a lot of Integrity to hold to hold that title because if you have that title with someone and they expect a high level of discipline and integrity going both ways you know you can’t if you were to share that food botanist with too many people at once that don’t have integrity then you end up reaching the purpose of having that bond in the first place you know what you say and you may have you met both have the same status of the same can you may both have HIV and they both have different forms of you know HPV or HSV and you can look up the alphabet soup if you don’t know it later but being fluid bonded doesn’t just mean that you’re afraid of everyone else and you’re never going to have sex with you when I was cuz I cure the you managed to avoid all temptation and now you have the Slate clean you know slate to work with that’s one reason to have that I do want to hold on to it or it could be the you that you both know that you are carrying something and you would feel better about not exposing other people to it and feel better about just having that openness with each other and that was another another aspect of it but to a question for you from this line of thinking it would be how how would you possibly help people get to a point where they say themselves I’m going to be hyper-vigilant about barrier protection with strangers and people who I don’t know and trust and I’m going to sample and experiment and explore the world and and have fun out there at parties and you know wherever out in the wild you know get the freak on and have your fun while doing it every pleasure while doing it but having that consistent barrier practice them and knowing you put gloves on at the cellar bar and I think at home you take the clothes I do get what you’re saying and if I’m hearing you correctly from your point of view it’s like if you want to go out and be freaky and have fun like that at sex exploration do it be safe without it be smart use protection and in that relationship where you are more committed and you know each other sexual histories and you’ve had that discussion so that you are aware of the risks involved you can remove this barrier so that you can reap the rewards of having sex without needing to use a condom and I am very much of the camp that when you have sex with someone especially when you are fluid bonding having sex without barriers you are establishing a spiritual connection you are allowing yourself to enter their energetic fields and exchange that energy and receive their energy and give your energy and to do that I like to have a sense of who that person is and what they bringing with him and giving to me so that I can share with them something that’s really important and sacred to me which is my my Sexual Energy I find that exchanged very sacred and very important and with the reward of having really good fulfilling sex with someone that I trust and I have that intimacy with also comes the risk of potential pregnancy with certain people or potentially getting a venereal disease and that’s why it’s really important when you decide to remove the barriers to already have that trust and that knowledge established like getting STD tests had that conversation allow that to be part of your practice with your partner so that you know what you’re getting into and you know it you’re potentially exposing yourself to and if you have the same as to DS I said is that something that you to decide consciously together and if you wish to go out into the greater world you have that at the Clone Wars fonts ability to keep your fellow man safe fellow men women however you identify safe because we’re all in this together and we can slow down prevent the spread of diseases with that conscious awareness of okay I am getting into a situation that’s the heating up is feeling sexy I can either choose to be protected not have sex or run the risk of exposing myself and my partner’s to whatever it is that I carrier they carry and you know that with watching this you you’re you’re making yourself aware of this and I hope that you can continue this conversation so that we can break down the stigma of these conversations that might be awkward at this point but make him a little less awkward when talking to your friends about it talk to your family about it was that you who you can have these conversations within we can normalize it so that we can be healthier for ethical sexy people awesome yeah I feel like there’s this pattern of young guys in the locker room talking about getting the first base and second base third base and see if along that line of thinking is if it could be more more of the idea what to say that there is a hit if unprotected an unprotected is not as of the Food Lion has more positive sounding and unprotected sex like a scary and dangerous it invokes that that energy of fear but the I think we all know that it’s a hindrance to use condoms but there is a cost-benefit and a risk-reward algorithm you have to run in your mind the pros and cons with any person anytime and if if the real gift if the greater gift you could give to someone else is the gift of your body skin to skin contact all the way a hundred percent you know with the potential of conception being even there it’s it’s a that’s the real that the Deep this the greatest gift you can offer like you were saying if you’re going to share that it’s not going to be frivolous you’re going to guard that and really be measured about who you share that with and so it’s I guess the point I’m I’m feeling here is just that it’s a lower Stakes proposition to say to somebody that you might be interested and say hey I don’t know if I want to inherit all of your karma all of your jeans all of the diseases you may have that you know about or don’t know about so why don’t we start with having sex with a condom in to see how that goes for a while and then we can maybe shake hands if it doesn’t work out for a long-term thing or a family thing or whatever thing and then we won’t be having to either hide or explain something to the next person that we have that level of experimental kind of like a trial. You know I mean if your if you don’t if you had if you have casual sex with people and you’re looking for a long-term lover lover than basically you’re sampling the population in your having this little child. So if another reason to have like that at least temporary approach to consistent protect used to protection is it like this is how I kind of simplified is just that you know there are people there people who I love so much to where I would suffer with them by their side with whatever they were suffering with and the and it would be worth it to me and I would send I would feel good about an okay with it that even if we broke up later even if you know something we split apart and I’m like that for the rest of my life I carry a piece of them which happens to be some in a little bit of DNA code that’s a virus or something and I will carry out with me for the rest of their life and I will always look back and think about how the story of me having that was it I love this person so deeply that I wanted them to feel like inhibited to share themselves fully with me and I wasn’t like keeping them at a distance and that was like a beautiful thing and we shared that consciously as opposed to being like oh man I had this hit-and-run what states have a 7 do I don’t know their name I don’t even remember where they are and now I’ve got this thing I have to deal with and I’m going to feel like crap about it and I’m going to want to lie about it or hide it and not shiting you know that that’s the worst is to actually have something get it in a way that doesn’t feel healthy you know energetically and then cover it up and conceal it for however long and that that’s where the from a tantric respected the karmic consequences of Deceit you know it’s bad it’s is not just the physical test that you do know for all that so so what are some myths and misconceptions you’ve had to encounter as an educator and just in life you know think reasons why people are four ways that people are or not taking things slowly through I guess when I go to college campuses and I educate one of the most common things that was at first like really people think this is when we offer free condoms so so I don’t need that I don’t have any STDs but they’ve never been tested or if they don’t have a partner that they talk about this way or they think that just because they don’t have an STD then they they’re not going to come across someone who might so really even if that person that you’re getting to know smells great looks great has an awesome attitude seems really smart they may have an STD and STI that they’re not aware of her that they are aware of that they’re not sharing with you and so when you get into it sexual situation you’re exposing yourself to whatever they might and they can either share that willingly if they know about it or they can keep it a secret willingly or just be completely unaware so to have condom have Paw protection using oral barriers here just setting yourself up for having safe sex practices that allow you to continue to have great sex I hope have sex that doesn’t have that that shame that he might carry or that fear or just that thought of while maybe this is going to be the time that something happens and it’s I find it easier and it just more pleasurable when I’m not worried about worried about that I know that I’m keeping myself safe that’s just one thing that I that’s not on my mind when I want to be fully present in the moment with my chosen partner do that young and I think with another so a lot of people will try to get away with the bare minimum or something of the sort of a cop-out or some cognitive dissonance around it that only happens to Immortal people ordered on crustacean whatever it is like whatever like you said it’s kind of a a pretty weak system of logic to have its really self-defeating so another kind of myth that I think should be busted or explored at least it’s just the idea that all I get tested once a year you know so I’m fine when hey it’s really the best I mean that the best you can share with your that’s our answer for my perspective it’s a hypochondriac if you start out in the sexual risk exposure game with the assumption that everybody has everything and condoms pretty much prevent almost everything almost all the time and when used properly then you are not subject to anybody’s trickery or deceit or falsehood around that’s why I’m fine and I don’t need a condom for I get tested very regularly and same thing it’s it anytime you have exposure you could have been tested two weeks ago if you were exposed to someone since then and sometimes it takes a while for for your system to start to show signs that are detectable by STD STI tests that you that you have something so even if you were tested a month ago and we’re clean five months from now you might show that you’re positive for something it’s all good information to have believe me I looked like to know someone and someone has a working knowledge of the different STIs that are out there a difference between bacteria and viruses and by having the knowledge and knowing what to ask for knowing which which tests are often omitted fruits and let’s talk about making barrier sexy and what did I see after that because you need to put that in your your survival kit can I mean we can make putting on a condom a sexy thing it can be done with teething I gazes or really sencha Longs Drugs or it can be like that’s hard and dirty however you want it however you and your partner working together and so that’s more commonly used form of oral barrier when you’re giving someone head but we also have oral barriers for a vagina or for the anus and it’s something that’s maybe not used as often but I can also be a sexy thing where we have ones that are flavored ones that don’t have the complete XC taste so so how do you bring up the conversation about STDs and STIs with someone that you’re thinking of having sex with actually I devised a little graphical illustration that called a spiral of intimacy and it has a spectrum from low to high risk and low to high risk responsibilities of risk and responsibilities so starting with being separated and say meditating together or coming closer and dancing together and then the the sort of familial kind of back massage and then I’m more of a sensual full-body massage then going to erotic massage and then the different degrees of being able to stimulate manually so there’s a whole appreciated area of getting to know someone sexually through masturbation and it’s like GSU would like to know what it’s like to have sex with you but I’d rather watch you have sex with yourself first so that I can observe your orgasmic cycle and I can know when you’re faking it then you’re too nice if that ever happens I like to remove the incentive for that to have to ever happen because it’s like it doesn’t have to be a you know that’s not the main goal about it the more it happened so just don’t worry about it so have you know the fundamentals and play split so bring it up it’s kind of like I mean a lot of times for meat lot of times women have tried to mount me without a condom and I had to say excuse me if you’re getting something and I forgive them because I know that I do deeply know in my heart of hearts that their Primal body is like please impregnate me while I’m in my Prime and I will jump from do to do to do to get that need met as of wimpy know and I respect that is powerful and so I don’t I don’t shame that went when it happens but I do say you know what season you know this is a formality that we cannot Overlook here but I feel like once you once you get Beyond The Shame of talking about sex in general it’s in New York when it gets to a point where it’s appropriate like it’s not creepy or not out of context to just start talking about the stuff I feel like it’s really there’s been nobody in my life and in recent years you kind of vibrating attract people obviously have like Consciousness but also it’s like a are any day is a good day to have this conversation I guess like it’s it’s that it doesn’t doesn’t feel awkward to me because I have been at a point where I’ve discovered with a partner getting tested oh no I haven’t been tested her if she hadn’t been tested and then we discover the cheese you know she has a lifelong infection you know that that is as yet not curable and so are adapting to that and having to be a good lover through that that’s challenging you know and there may be a day where the tables turn on me and that happens and you know I have to do and work through that so it’s I think it’s always it’s always rewarding to it to do it in and do it right have the conversation and just set up the plan and the more confident you are and your knowledge of yourself and where you’re coming from and you know you’re selling practices like if I was real shady about this stuff and I didn’t know and I was like doing a bunch of shady things and lying to people then I probably would never want to have a conversation so I think that’s a really that’s that’s something that I appreciate and I like and it would be great if that type of Mines that could be adopted by more people in that there are varying levels of intimacy and places that you know you’re going to get with someone puts that you wish you could get with someone please set you know you’re not going to be with someone and based on that you can have that conversation when you find it appropriate FaceTime like where you are End Zone here like a friends with benefits on this level of the pyramid you take a step up here and you’re kind of like maybe you’re given doing a little bit of mutual masturbation and then you go here and it’s kind of like okay barrier love making Anna. Sir to take the barriers off and now you’re doing sex magick and now you become God got us and you left off into the infinite eternity of the whole because whether you have all these different people you know who you shook hands when they didn’t want to go to the next level or you asked him to go to next time when I said I you know what I’m going to that level of somebody else and you still have people all of these different levels and then you have all these people still potentially coming in for the friendzone infinite infinite opportunities for education and the and I appreciate that you bring up fee the practice of mutual masturbation or solo masturbation and observing someone doing so that if she divorced me I love it I love it and it’s a great way to if you don’t have a condom if you don’t have a dental dam if you are not sure that you want to touch them or be touched by then but you still feel the sexual spark so you’re curious watch each other masturbated so it’s a great way to see someone really enjoy themselves fully friends don’t let friends show me your style show me show me my show you the flea mind kind of thing but now I think people are we really got to get in that direction because that wouldn’t that would release a lot of energy and and be totally safe and and I’ve I’ve had that thought and I feel like it shouldn’t be too much to ask you know it’s like it’s a lot to ask for someone to have sexual intercourse of any kind that’s a big big ass and it should stay that way but a lot of those things below that it should be we should be really so much more open and then we can explore homosexuality lot easier that way to you now it’s like you don’t have to go to the freakiest the freaky places to to know you know what what you want whether you like to or not but to never have any exposure you know and getting to know other people that can be part of that beginning practice that instead we’ll get there at some point so any last thoughts at 4 now I think I would say that this is just a very rainstorm any kind of introduction to the report or the Namek that we’re creating which is the model and demonstrate healthy fun conscious you know out-of-the-box thinking about these these treacherous things that are really just tiny little pesky things that we can control a manager for smart so more and more to come and this is just the beginning and so too cuz this one out do you have any last words you want to share for $10 ideas here so okay okay good ESO one of the reasons why I was an eye roller about dental dams even though I knew better and I understood that reason for their existence was because the the price for each one made me think about like how much the fun I want to have an amount of money I could afford to have that fun and it’s just going to make sure I so but now as I evolve my thinking and it had just been I don’t know where I learned it from but but it’s been I think of sex geek hacker thing to use Saran Wrap because it’s dirt-cheap literally and it said very very effective for that you’re almost never going to pierce it even with your teeth you know you would have to really try hard to try to damage and break that and also because it’s so abundant in the size compared to a dental dam you can roll out plenty of extra so we can kind of like create really tuck it in the crevices between the thighs and really get it so cuz I want to make a mess on both sides and I want to have a broad canvas and I want to be all over the place and I don’t want to worry about it sliding off or if I’m cuz in you know you just get you know your mind gets in the way so so we’re looking for sponsorship you know in a research Grant hear the trip to create massive rolls like the size of the wear house and rolls that are flavored Saran wrap that can be package and ship you know that also buy degradable cuz we don’t want the fish in the ocean to end up choking on our comrades email come on so much fun for anyone involved now we got to clean up the oceans and figured ecosexuals and crepe more Earth friendly Solutions on going so yeah that’s a good a good prayer clothes I would country kiss that we just practice no barriers needed thank you for listening to the touch upon podcast please go to www.crunch.com and cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition is to see me and improving the podcast your donations will help establish permaculture goddess temples up here by Tycho logical employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email fan at Township Park. Com Thomas gay

Overcoming Shame and Opening Up with Sex Blogger Zoe K TPP162

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Zoe K Pic

In this episode I’m joined by an deeply intriguing and empowering sex blogger Zoe K. She provides a very insightful glimpse into the lifestyle of an open relating, shame-free sex positive web-enabled literary voice of liberation.

Please visit her blog at:
https://sexismynewhobby.wordpress.com/about/

About Zoe:
By day, I’m a professional with an office-type job and academic leanings. Outside office hours, I’m a belly dance instructor, a sex/relationship blogger, and occasional creative. I’m also happily married.

I had a number of challenges that came to a crisis point in early 2014 and spurred an intense period of personal growth. It was during this time that I serendipitously had an epiphany that then largely freed me from the sexual shame that I’d always struggled with. It was out of the recognition that my sex life was at a crossroads that my blog was born and I began what I believe to be the first authentic exploration of my sexual and sensual self.

At first, I expected that I’d simply write about my new adventures, which I’d conceived of (as it turns out) in fairly narrow terms. My topics have since expanded to include things that I might have been able to predict (e.g. BDSM), those that I hadn’t thought to write about (feminism, mental health, fiction, reviews), and those I didn’t even know about (ethical non-monogamy).

Inspired by another blogger, I also started my nude self-portrait project when I started blogging. I couldn’t have articulated my reasons for this project at the outset, and then I was pleased to discover after the fact that it had had a positive effect on my body image.

AI Generated Transcription:
(Want to help with corrections? Please contact me to learn about rewards for your efforts!)

Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin podcast episode number 162 I am being joined by Zooey K who is a prominent and celebrated sex blogger and about a year or so ago now I had I was doing a campaign to really reach out and Branch out beyond the world of Tantra and get more into the world of sex Educators and sex bloggers in all different varieties of people kind of pushing the edges of expression and sexual Liberation healing and what not and PK was at one of the people who did respond to me however we had kind of a I guess you can call it an email tag over a game of email tech for a while and it’s just better late than never were finally catching up and coming full circle to this interview so thank you so E4 for hanging in there and being persistent and I’m glad we got to get this arranged and I’m excited to learn about what you do as a sex blogger and I just actually was catching up a bit and I definitely want to applaud you for your stating that you would prefer to review products that have a sustainable and recyclable to call you to them so I’m very interested in your ecological ethics and maybe we can get into that later but just start off with do you want to talk about please how are you kind of evolved is it a sexual literary being sure will. Thanks for inviting me first of all yeah so I’ve been blogging now for a few years I started around Christmas time 2014 and I had come to that weight because I reached a point where I felt like my life is about to change or is in the middle of a change that’s going on in terms of my sexuality and sexual expression and not much had happened in the lead up to that point I felt like I was really at the beginning of something the reason why I had that feeling was because I had to experience what I referred to as my Epiphany and I have realized that a lot of the difficulty that I had had to throw my life up until that point in terms of sexuality was in relation to sexual shame beyond that the sexual shame that I was experiencing was not actually something that serve came out of my own life it wasn’t my own experience this was something that I had inherited I think primarily from my mother and her experiences with she had never spoken about and yet or attitudes toward sexuality and especially you know what that means being a woman and being sexual or not I can still pick that up without that ever being sort of explicitly stated so so yeah I was in a difficult situation in terms of where I was at just start if I guess in life generally I looking back I was probably depressed at that time and that had to do with a lot of difficulties relating to conflict that was both work and family related because I was working with family members and so there was sort of No Escape from that and and also you know where I might ordinarily safe to go for support or the difficulties that I was having like I didn’t have those those supports and so so that had spurred some serious introspection like even more than I usually do which is a considerable considerable amount and yeah a lot of personal gross and I was just sort of consuming everything I could to learn more about myself to learn more about the situation that I was in with that conflict on one hand and on the other hand with that depression that I I believe I was going through I had lost interest in a lot of things and I knew I I remember it having been interested in things but I couldn’t really remember what they were or or the things that I remember being interested in just didn’t grab my interest anymore and so I was sort of looking around for first things to have some sort of two to rekindle some interest or find something just to get to give it a sense of I don’t know interest in life I guess and and what caught my eye was I guess it was sex in a nutshell I don’t remember specifically what book it was it may have been Nancy Friday’s booked my secret garden about women’s fantasies and it was a bit of a Lifeline like okay this is something I’m interested in it’s the only thing that I seem to be interested in right now I need to explore that because I need to have some sort of Interest other than just getting through the day and end. So that sort of led to me educating myself some more and job and with the personal girls and the sexual gross that I was doing at the time just came came around to this sort of serendipitous discovery about that sexual shame that I’ve mentioned before and so yeah I had this discovery about myself and and I was right that you know everything sort of changed after that that’s that’s that’s basically my my backstory cool well that’s something I think a lot of people from the last several will ever until probably this last maybe one or two generations but maybe this the most recent generation seems to be the most gender non-binary gender fluid poly and I’ve never seen so much liberated Sexual Energy to do that just kind of Epsom and flows according to its own vicissitudes if its own nature and its really heartwarming to see that and I know it took the the sufferings of people like you and myself and many others to have to create a contact is more open and accepting so I feel like we’re sort of the if we survive or not Martyrs I guess but we’re definitely we need to have some statues made for the end of the people who have been the sexual Liberation Warriors in and what not so if you could so thank you for being a part of that data processing do you want to talk a little bit more about just some of the sort of mental architecture of shame that could be very personal or could just be Broad and in general but I think it’s it’s sometimes it feels like it’s it’s so obvious now you just point to certain religious Tendencies and what not but I feel like it’s good to to Really identify and if you get if you’d like to talk more about what that shame is felt like I had felt like and what what kind of thought patterns and Lube send reactions were you kind of stuck in because of it you mentioned about you know this generation and and the changes that we’re you know what’s happening at Leading Edge that Frontline and I have a feeling like I’m not just feeling my own issues I have to do sort of you know exploration into my own personal history and you know where do I come from how was I brought up what were my parents like when I was young and you know he’s attitude performing in the first place and so as I get curious about about myself and my roots you know. That takes me back to the Next Generation and I’m looking at okay well what happened in my parents lives that that created those issues for them and you know because your parents can only give you the gifts that they have themselves than you know it said it’s a challenge and and so I know that there are difficulties came from so then I’m looking for the what was it like for my grandparents how did these these problems start out and get passed down to me and so you know yeah in in healing myself I’m I’m I’m healing my own, as well as this trauma that I’ve that I’ve inherited for me personally I was raised atheist so I don’t have any specific you know religious issues aren’t you no issues coming out of religious teachings or anything but that said I mean I certainly grew up and and in this culture which is very Christian Protestant and so has come through you know in society without necessarily being taught by your parents so you know I didn’t I didn’t have that particular set of issues to deal with so you know perhaps my my journey is a little bit more idiosyncratic in that way I know that that you know my mom had experienced some abuse when she was a child and I really don’t know any more than that but there’s there’s some sort of TVs diode in terms of what what my experience is and what it looks like and what it feels like and and where those problems might have come from assertive you know made some educated guesses along with you know some of the reading that I’ve done on on various topics so it’s it’s all very much a work-in-progress and you know in terms of in terms of the shame of what I had believed up until that point up until the Epiphany was just you know you’re generally that sex was bad somehow it was difficult to you know much more of a label on it but now I did find myself sort of leaning on Christian definitions of you know sin and virtue because that seemed to be relevant somehow although I couldn’t really connect it directly to my own life but you know that this basic premise that sex is I think I think a lot of Christian doctrine teaches that sex is inherently sinful unless you’re married and and Mary just said the only way out to make it less bad you know some groups are are more sex-positive than that but I think you know that’s some as a non-Christian speaking about about Christianity that’s my impression of it and so you know here I am in a long-term relationship and I’m married and that didn’t magically make anything better so obviously the the roots of that if she went went deeper than just those sort of definitions I just seen the I have I did I was not raised in a strict religious environment myself either but I definitely picked up the memes they sort of spread whether or not you were going to church or not the kind of you know it spread everywhere and it’s interesting I’m really curious how you have explored or interacted with just the yeah the notion that to keep people especially women sexuality very limited and very finite kind of some people say put in a box it just sort of its sit facilitates and Industrial Paradigm of a world where were if we were to be freely exploring our pleasure and freely relating with others then we probably wouldn’t feel as compelled to go punch a clock and sit in a cubicle and work in a factory assembly line and that’s it that’s it there seems to be a very even they call it the Protestant work ethic and in these things were there sits where I’m at with all this stuff is it it’s it’s the moralistic sin kind of that whole Boogeyman story or that whole sort of wizard behind the man behind the curtain Wizard of Oz story it really is kind of the fronts for a more Insidious I don’t want to call it conspiracy theory but it seems like historical fact if you lose if you just look at how sexuality has been has been limited it seems to be kind of in lockstep with industrial so-called progress I’m just curious if that’s any thoughts of you explore your blogger that you know sporting in communication or just what you might your what will be a working theory on your part of why that shame really has been so institutionalized across atheist den and religious sectors of society as I mentioned earlier and that’s as you mentioned as well that you just because you’re raised in a particular way in your family of origin doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t get ideas creeping in from the larger culture and I definitely see that a lot I don’t see that that particular phenomenon as being necessarily the major except the issues that I’ve dealt with personally but that said I mean I do you know why I read about this stuff and I I think about it and I like to know where things come from and that’s part of the reason why I’m so interested in my personal history I I like to know okay why is why is this thing the way it is and there’s definitely controlling sexuality is really powerful it’s you know it’s it just it effects how how people behave and how they think and there’s this self-monitoring that happens to self-policing there’s policing by others in the group and and you see that with women in this culture in particular that women sexuality is governed much more strictly than men sexuality is women also policing at so you know such a many things like that where you know there’s you know whether that’s a massage me is the best term for that and and I I see a connection with with agriculture I guess I’m looking maybe a little bit earlier in history that you know you get Agriculture and you get land ownership you have ownership of of abandoned objects it’s you know I wasn’t really so important when you’ve got people in a forging lifestyle so then when you have when you’ve got property you’ve got concerns about inheritance and descent and if you thought the property that is vested in men rather than women then you’ve got this issue of well okay so whose kid is who’s going to get the stuff you know she’s got a lineal culture you always know who the mother is so you don’t have those same issues arising about his property to send so so that’s that’s a connection that I see yes thank you so much for bringing that up that’s that’s so important to deconstruct these things in and really I’ve been I was an anarcho primitivism even back in my college days and was really just looking at all forms of Oppression coming from the so-called Neolithic Revolution and just well if in from Eco feminist perspective the thesis is basically women animals and nature has been oppressed for five to ten thousand years as city states and empires have grown to control more more resources and build military is in that hole that anthropologically it’s very it’s kind of like a textbook 101 the first paragraph We Know It says things like agriculture there was an essay like to go to the worst mistake Humanity ever made like I can’t remember who and Marvin Harrison Jarrett at one of the one of the Anthropologist it was looking at this stuff over the last few decades and so that you had that connecting that fuses with where all the sexual shame and and sort of sexual marriage the the origins of that more limited forms of that yes this is very very interesting conversation that I’m I’m excited to have and I feel like it needs to be explored much more often so have you done that unitive awareness that you just expressed how did you come to discover that did you hit the anthropology books or did you read maybe 6 at Don or have you just through conversation how did you arrive at that that groundbreaking thesis that Don that I got that from and that was something that just made a lot of sense to me it’s something that I would like to learn more about because I know you know one book is not the be-all-and-end-all list of research so I got seems like a really interesting entry point to it but you know and that was sounds like you’ve read that book and if any of the listeners are familiar with it that that it’s there’s quite a lot of assertive prologue setting the scene and in that book where they talking about you know what it was what it was like and serve earlier human history in order to find out what is normal or what is natural and and so it was I found that very interesting and quite persuasive and and the and also interesting to see if you know where they went Ian. In terms of okay so if if sex isn’t it’s not from the things that we usually say that it’s for you know that it’s not strictly for procreation then what is it for and and what are we doing and how do we know that we’re at we’re doing things in the way that is most positive and beneficial right now how would you say you then your experience of state-sponsored or state-sanctioned sexuality education what was your experience of that like cuz I think a lot of those types that will also take Justin with when people become sexually desirous then you’re pretty much capped and frustrated through all of your teams and then you’re only really loud like you said to be to have less sinful sex under the within within marriage and stuff so yeah what was your experience besides what came of the shame come in your family what is you feel like in the the government regulated sort of sexuality education experience well it certainly didn’t help anything you know my my sex education experience was not awful I don’t think that I was told anything that was outright lies or his you know incorrect but it was very much a focus on you know pregnancy and how to avoid getting pregnant how to avoid getting STIs and you know very much the how do I get an AIDs that was a big scare and and so it didn’t it didn’t do me any good in terms of you learning anything positive or you know getting any kind of inputs that that was any different from what I had already shot so you know you’re talkin about truth is feeling repression you know from from outside and yet I most of my refresh and I think was internal because I had absorbed it so young and so I was I would sell for pressing you very early on and and so I don’t think that the you-know-who public sex education units made things any worse in that respect because the damage was already done earlier than well okay so then you won’t talk about how as you kind of came out of your shell and had these epiphanies and were able to are discover your own your own source of sexual freedom and power that you yeah what’s it been like what what do you what will people be finding on your blog and what have you been kind of gravitating towards as far as the content that you should write about in the personal narratives and what not to eat here well I guess probably the single biggest project on the blog is the nude self-portraits that I’ve been doing and that’s that’s only a project in retrospect that was something that I served I started into I was inspired by another blogger and I didn’t know why I was doing it it didn’t make a lot of sense to put new photos of myself on the internet I had had specific advice from my family not to do that which was really odd it was in a really strange contacts but so so it wasn’t you know I thought about it as much as I could and in rational terms and I couldn’t figure out what it was that I know why I felt driven to do that but I knew that I did feel a Colt to do that and so I just I went ahead and did it after doing sir to my due diligence to make sure that I wasn’t going to I wasn’t you know opening myself up to you know an unreasonable amount of risk and and then you know so I went went through that and on the other side I feel like I got connected with a couple of body positive memes and not that I think was a really huge part of it that Not only was I taking these photos and learning to see myself in a kind way that also that if I ever had feedback from from any readers of the blog it was pretty much uniformly positive feedback and so I I got you no different perspective on on my body and my appearance that was enough being positive was not something that I was ever used to having had before and and so yeah so it ended up turning into this body positivity in a positive body image project that I hadn’t intended I had no idea but that’s what that’s what it turned out to be so that was that’s that’s a major element of the blog aside from that it’s more yesterday was just exploring that the things that that seem to catch my attention one thing that I do find is that you know my desired tends to remain fairly low and I think I have a significant amount of that has to do with depression and and the antidepressant said I’ve been on fortunately no longer depressed and no longer on my medication for that but that’s still having an effect and and so I’m exploring and and looking for signs of interests one of the things that I have often thought about is asking myself the question what do I like and what do I want to seem like very basic questions and they are but it’s those are questions that I have always struggled to answer and and someone doing better at that now you know I keep asking myself the questions I keep you know trying to experience things and say okay well you know do I enjoy this does this touch my attention having tried it do I still like it do I want more of that do I want Les do I want something else to be different do I want something that’s related to that and so it’s some it’s this project of exploration and also I guess another thing that that you’ll find a bit on the blog is some discussion about ethical non-monogamy and specifically polyamory through the block I ended up meeting somebody who has since become my partner in addition to my husband so I can whisper for many many years and so so that relationship is long distance like very very long distance where about I think that’s the traveling time is something like 24 hours from from door to door so we don’t get to see each other very often but you know how do we negotiate an emotional relationship how do we negotiate a physical relationship and antiserum integrating that into my life because I really do not have a template for for that sort of relationship okay well so well thank you for sharing all that so do you are you functionally polyamorous now that you’re married or do you how do you count how have you all if you care to share just I’m sure you said it’s on your blog as well but what year what you were sort of fan inside sorry about reconciling and reconfiguring if if your if your kind of trying to go that route or place that path if you will right well I did something that you’re not supposed to do with polyamory which is you know how have the beginnings of a relationship and and then I asked my my husband and you know about the possibility of opening up I know that the way you’re supposed to do it is to have discussion before there’s you know anyone waiting in the wings so you can have rational discussions as much as it’s possible to get to be rational about something that can be so emotional but I don’t know that I would have done it any other way even even knowing that that is sort of Hino best practice because my husband is very very introverted he’s you know I’m I’m his only major relationship things ever had in his life we’ve been together for half of our Lives you know so this is a very well-established very long-term relationship he he would not be looking for anybody else and I didn’t expect to be an actually didn’t even start out that way for me what happened was I had discovered this person who’s also a blogger as it happened and and I started reading his blog and it caught my attention and it wasn’t so much the things that he was writing about you know the details that he was writing about it although it was more the the reading between the lines about his politics and you know I’ll call him a feminist I don’t know if he would claim the term 7 is because he’s you know he’s he knows enough about that sit to not go away cleaning the term for himself too readily so you know we share a lot of DeSoto a lot of interest a lot of attitudes you know the sorts of things that are important to me and so what happened was I read his blog from start to finish and at that point it was I think it was three years worth of almost Daily Post so there was a lot of material but yeah if you want to get yeah yeah yeah and it was because I didn’t know it was what it was going to look like but I I knew that I wanted to know him as a person and and I you know if you would ask me at the time I would have said you know I have no idea you know my mind certainly no definitely went in certain directions of x given another the nature of of his blog and that he was writing it sex is well so I can’t say that that thought didn’t cross my mind but it was more that I was I identify this person as sort of my people and I knew that I wanted to have some kind of a connection and I didn’t know what it was going to look like but I was open to just seeing what happened you know like the worst that could happen is I could say you know hey I read your blog I enjoy that and you know I’d like to get to know you better and you know he would say not interested or not even respond so you know they’re there wasn’t much investment I would have been disappointed but you know would have been a big deal and I so I couldn’t have predicted at that time you know when things are starting out what direction this is going to go buy it I I always try to let it just be what it was going to be and and so that it was it was a discovery for me to just find out you know what that relationship is going to look like my student so you now they these two fellows are aware of each other and they you coordinate the sort of dynamics of balancing the tension in the energy flows and all that stuff is at am I understanding correctly or something but they have met in person and and yeah they’re both very aware of each other so you know in my sort of everyday routine I’ve got looks like a phone appointment at we talk on FaceTime dots that happens twice a week and we’ve been doing that now for 00 couple of years anyway I guess it’s getting almost two to three years since we last it’s been over three years since we first spoke and it’s it’s almost three years that we got into that routine of talking you know on a regular you know like weekly or semi-weekly basis of the day-to-day routine and I’m in touch with him often throughout the day by text although there’s there’s quite a time difference so we have to Wrangle with the unit being in different time zones as well and then occasionally you know when I’m able to I I travel to visit him and you know my husband is at home minding the fort and and I have you had a couple of vacations with with my partner and and so that’s that’s how it looks for us well it’s cool so did this is your living the dream with the flow and and you know this is really moving towards what I feel this the did the most stem well I guess it the next level you have getting Beyond once you’re less shameful about sex in general then part of coming out of the closet as somebody who has desire you know I think most of us most of us are still in the closet about having desires that don’t match the the framework that were eliminated by and so the people who there’s huge risks and consequences specially for families and you know you can have your kids taken away if people feel like you’re in some sort of unconventional Arrangement and whatnot so yeah I’ve heard so I guess I’m just any anytime I I hear of a harmonious kind of stable ongoing success story that that’s always music to my ears and I’m always curious just some of the things are working to that so it is one of the things that I’ll mention about that is that my my husband and I have such a good relationship like it’s it’s always been good and you know from the beginning and I know you hear like relationships take work and and that sort of thing and it it never felt like work for us like we do know is that was I think that was good luck on our parts that that we’re such a good match you know around that time you know things when I had met you know the person who became my partner there was also other stuff going on my husband was living overseas working on a eye doctor at the time so you know we were apart and I was very difficult for both of us she also was having some health difficulties at the time so it ended up being a very very stressful. And and that was when the work came in and and you know did take work on the relationship but you know we’re just we’ve always been on each other’s team and you know knowing that that was as reliable as anything can be in life you know made made the rest of it possible I wouldn’t have tried it if you know if we were on Shaky Ground that would not have worked to introduce another person into the equation you know so a lot of it goes to the strength of that relationship with my husband and it’s interesting because you know I’m sort of how we’ve negotiated what’s okay and what isn’t over those few years has changed a little bit but assertive you know the sky didn’t fall and everything is fine and you know this other relationship and I have is is good for me I got a lot of emotional support from from my partner my other partner as well and Jab so it’s just you know it’s easier to build on the success and and I think that my relationship with my husband is now stronger than it ever has been before because we’ve also had you know some challenges and you know that we tested the relationship in a in a very sturdy safe and cautious way for us and and just came out stronger after all of that read between the lines here and there’s a lot of I’m picking up on a lot of really I really positive and healthy and constructive language and things that I just want to turn into a little bit and yeah yeah I’m just I’m just thrilled to hear about this stuff is really except it’s always so exciting to get to get behind-the-scenes if this different working so we know when you said use the word equation and I I think about I kind of got it a giggle out of that because I feel so much of this he know that it is much as we feel like an emotional left brain kind of even childish Tendencies can’t really be rationally computador really can’t be like you can’t you can’t really apply mathematical theories counting metrics to these sorts of supposed to be immeasurable things but I feel like we need it went when I look at it this kind of stuff mathematically it really comes down to how do you how do you distribute the the another kind of logical framework is that I’ve heard it said by wise folks so I look up to in the same similar conversation is like your love is infinite and people who are more naive and their goals and aspirations with polyamory or open relating another kind of naively just sort of prance around feeling that love is infinite so anything goes and we should just be free and do all this but then what isn’t infinite as of yet his is time so you have to be have discretion you have to be able to to really be a good Steward of your time and energy to share with other people and to kind of negotiate the distribution of that infinite love but then how it’s limited by time and space so you have to because it is an equation it is and so to get that to get it to function properly wear two different people have different needs at different times and so it just sit it requires more time it really requires a lot of fun Eng sort of sortino’s things out you can’t even just kind of winging it are you can even speak in just kind of broad terms but have you have you been able to sort of have those conversations in and get to mutual agreements where you’re having the kind of cycles of regular maintenance of certain agreements happening so that everybody feels included and I’m bored and you know all that good stuff just sort of a handbook you know you had a design it a handbook for operating manual for the three of you and you know it analytical person and you know I mean I tend to intellectualize things and that’s that’s my usual approach you know these days I’m I’m working more from my garden and tuning into my gut because that’s something that I realized that I hadn’t been taught and so I was needing to to teach myself how to do that but no I don’t I don’t have a handbook or anything in terms of I guess the bottom line with with these relationships is that you know I’m here in my husband is here and my partner is there and it has always been like that there’s always been that you know almost insurmountable distance and so about is you know while that’s really not fun that’s it’s normal for us and you know you serve work around as you can it takes time and and you know because we’re so far apart it takes money which is not necessarily a concern in the same way as if you were in the same city with all of your partners so you know it’s like there’s practical considerations and you know I have to figure out okay well you know when am I busy with work such that I wouldn’t be able to you know take off on a on a vacation for a few weeks and is so you know that should be kind of frustrating I visited my partner we went on a trip to Europe together and that was in March and April of this year we were traveling together for about three weeks and at this point it’s looking like we’re not going to see each other again until maybe February of next year so you know that’s that’s really less-than-ideal but you know we still have our our regular calls twice a week you know you talking about energy and time not being infinite and you know that’s that’s definitely a factor that I can see up play with myself and my husband my husband doesn’t have the mental energy for anybody else in his life and I’m sorry integral to his life is so there’s there’s only so long I I can be away before it starts to cause my husband problems and for me you know I I guess I’ve got room for for one more because you know like one plus one has where I’m at right now I’m not looking for anybody else because you know this is a lot of emotional investment and and energy and I I tend to go deep rather than broad so I have a few friends rather than a bunch of acquaintances and not to say that it would be impossible but I I struggle to see how how that you know how I could add anybody else into my life in that way and so I’m not looking but sad but I want to have more people in my life that are just you know my people I have the feeling that you know I have always felt like an outsider and I have never had many close friends at any given time and so now I’m sort of looking for that. Reaction you know that I really connect with this person and so I’m you know when I identified that I’m going to work to have that person in my life but you know maybe as a close friend or something I’m not necessarily in inside of a romantic or sexual way this is great stuff too because another another man just kind of seeing a future where where this lifestyle is it’s not even considered an alternative is not considered French it’s just that if if we feel like we’re at a time now where we still is as if it was just barely the beginning of a civil rights movement and people were pretty much comfortable in the status quo of the the Dominator culture with the United States segregation and all of everything that was taken for granted that that’s kind of how I feel where we’re at now of of the resistance to monogamy and the resistance to even just whether it’s gay marriage or or multiple lover marriage or custom contracts for liability responsibility for child care and all these things all of the very limited or these limited Frameworks that we’re stuck in their sent to me I see the similar to The Limited Frameworks of segregation in Liberty Frameworks of all of the backward policies stemming from slavery now that’s what I’m seeing when you’re talking now about how your band Venus and you’re sort of thresholds and and limits and I’m honestly thinking seeing that what what this is evolving tours in a more liberated sense and you can share your thoughts on this as well is is that if you were to be ultimately the CEO of your own sexual intimate emotional Enterprise you know in the end of the mission statement or the sort of prime directive of your of you as an entity is to maximize your sexual potential and have as much diversity and in pleasure and even paying any chance that should be enough but to have that sovereignty as the CEO of this Enterprise wear and you could also have as as that kind of prize have a board of directors who kind of help steer you and you have questions so it’s not like you’re just completely without guidance or completely without any sort of Elders to provide wisdom but in that scenario then you would have a list of openings and in in in in roles did for people to play and some of them will be at the highest ranks and get the most reward from that level the deepest intimacy and some of them will be just people who come by and massage your feet once a week but if you had it if it wasn’t just this binary thing if I go if you’re if you’re the man in my life you have to pretty much measure up to all of these different skills and it’s like if you corporate office environment you’re going to have people with different gifts and talents and training and the person who is very unskilled or or skilled in an area that’s kind of general and doesn’t require you know I’m saying like you so you have the freedom if you had the freedom to to literally and I’m going to do this with clients from now on is just like okay pretend that none of the ad paradigms that you’ve come to know exist and imagine what a sexual lifestyle for you how many people would it take to satisfy your every desire and if you had the you know the ability to to just put that offer out there and have people show up and what they get paid in is the Divine nectar that you need your love is the currency that they get paid any you know that they want they want to have your attention your love and your affection and some people will show up and all they want from to tell they want from you is to give you a foot massage you know some of them they would want to have they want to be the father of your child but when men can get along and accept it stay play different roles in a whole bunch of different other woman’s lies then everybody can kind of get sorted and you can have multiple overlapping Moonlighting gigs you know the system so of lovers so insecure in in their position and they’re not worried that you know somebody else is going to knock them out as you know there’s only one spot and then it’s this attitude of I think a lot comes to in a binary thinking and hierarchy that it’s just it’s a very limited way of of thinking you know you limit your choices and in the possibilities right from the outset just by the framework that you’re using so you know I mean my my parents were married a divorced and they’re now host remarried but you know like very ordinary familiar nuclear family nothing especially unusual there except for a I will note that my parents didn’t fit into standard like traditional gender roles so you know I’ve got different ideas and expectations about you know what what women do and and what you know what is what women’s roles can be and what men do and what men’s rules can be like basically I don’t jobs. You know that old handbook that says well men do this when you do that and that’s the way it is going to be more flexibility in negotiating like well you know these are the things that I like to do I mean I’m going to do the laundry you do the cooking and we’ll work it out you know however it is and you know I think I don’t know maybe that’s that’s part of where my flexibility and thinking comes from but yeah I mean it’s been just me and my husband for a long time and yeah there you know there are things that you know I don’t satisfy but for him or the he doesn’t satisfy for me you know although I’m an introvert I’m still more social than he is and so if I’m relying on him for all of my social activities I’m going to be disappointed so you know just for a really simple example if I want to go out to see a band or or something I’ll go on my own because that’s that’s not a thing that he especially enjoys doing he will do it he won’t like it but he does his best to support me and everything that I do and then vice versa but but yeah like not everybody can can meet every need. But there is an I don’t know that I really look at it from the perspective of okay here are the needs and and I’m going to go out and you know interview to fill this position and probably a little bit more like okay you’re somebody that I want on my team what can I get them to do and you know so I’m just sort of found that I waited a couple of other platonic relationships in the last couple of years since I start of you know become a little bit more open-minded and in my thinking about relationships and and so you know I was pleasantly surprised to discover there was a little bit more there than you know standard laconic relationship but the relationship so I’m thinking of her are both with men who I’ve known for a long time one of them I had dated in high school and and the other one I’ve known almost as long as that and you know so there’s different different possibilities even with people who are already on the team I guess you could say I like the language you’re using in this approach and yes or no he said it will be it will be you have to be more and more delicate recruit Angus recruitment so if we could be free to recruit as needed and to just be free and open to allow that I feel like this is all all moving in in a great Direction so on your blog do you get your you cataloging these the sort of them relations as they come up I’m how much how much detail do you typically share just on your blog I guess I use the blog will start it out more as a kind of therapy I suppose I heard is analogy after I’d already been doing this for quite a while that you know you put the ideas out there and it’s a little bit like group therapy that you’re getting feedback from other people and probably people who have some kind of affinity for what you’re going through and so what I like to do you know when I figure something out that’s when I’ll write about it or you know as I’m I’m exploring a particular issue that’s that’s got my attention and I don’t know that I have those catalogued in any particular way it’s it’s more destructive as I go you know this is what’s in my head today so so you get what you get on any given day so what would you say that’s like if you win these relations or decisions they come up there there’s a sort of thumb Peppard in the your life history that you share a gas if it’s kind of a yeah just ongoing kind of Journal journaling ISM of everything was a project where I had Revisited all of my previous relationships this is you know like when I was a teenager in dating looking back from where I am right now I am surprised at how young I was at the time by the time I ended up with my husband I know I felt so worldly and wise and the end I wasn’t I was still I was just you know pretty much coming out of adolescence really noticed that I had the way I saw it about to all of those previous relationships was mostly not not not in very positive terms and so I just went back with my you know my newer insights and Revisited all of those relationships and like okay so you know what happened here and did I learn anything then can I learn anything now from these things and that series of post was called the Dark Ages because it really felt like that you know that that you know those were the Dark Ages and then I had a Renaissance and and different stuff happening in different ways of thinking about it that’s a beautiful art yeah I think a lot of people can relate to that I certainly can you know it’s it’s more peppered through I think the Epiphany is really where the Blog start since and so you know I’m not sure if I have it tagged if you if you search on my site for Epiphany you will definitely find it it’s it’s one of the very first post when I talk about you know my relationships I will. I’ll tag those according to you know who the relationship was with is with so you know I got pseudonyms for for all of my ex-boyfriend’s this is going back a long time so I don’t think that anybody would necessarily recognize themselves hold onto the block but medium you know the post that deal with my husband will be tagged with with his pseudonym and and likewise with my partner there was a little bit more I think there’s more stuff talking about my partner because that was a new relationship and my relationship with my husband was established and and very comfortable and very you know satisfying for a long time and into this new relationship was actually the first time I felt like I was entering a romantic relationship as an adult like sort of knowing who I was and having a clue of you know what’s actually important to me Beyond well the guys interested in me so I guess that’s a good thing so they don’t suppose sir are all tagged with his pseudonym as well also well then I think there’s plenty of yet we’ve recovered a lot of it in those listening please do go and check out the blog and because something that will save me some what you’re saying now is it it’s it takes a brave partner lover husband to to be associated with if it’s expired or even by sudha Minnesota just makes me miss AC think I actually it’s a good idea to be a sex blogger if if you are if everyone had a sex Blog then there will be so much less of you sand and miss you send drama and Madness in the world because everybody would know that they were going to be you know Sunday news Morning News Drive Time news on the Block if they step out of line they’re going to be you’re going to be publicly shamed it even even buy a pseudonym and or celebrated really in Maytag made a positive example of you know that’s the reason to step up to the other side of that is it if you were to be associated with someone who’s who’s even anonymously but still out there out in that way you would want to do right and and be on your best behavior and it’s it’s it’s not impossible you know if you have a habit of being on your best behavior it’s it could become the rule and not the exception to be to be doing right so I can say that you know I’m not but that’s building out of our relationship which is already strong and and and he has seen a complete confidence in me and he knows that nobody knows who he is and so you know that’s not a big deal but I might my personal code of ethics I guess is that I don’t want either my husband or my new partner to be finding out anything you know anything that I have a problem with for the first time in text on my blog because that just seems rude to me if I’ve got a problem you know and it’s it’s not all perfect if there’s something that’s going wrong that I have an issue with I am going to talk to you to them about it first before I’m writing about it and and also that goes to how I like to write which is I want to I generally want to write things when I figured them out because that’s something that’s interesting to use is to say okay with this is confusing before and now I figured this out and and this is what was going on so if I’m in the middle of of being you know sad about something I probably not gotten to the end of that. Processive of figuring out what’s going on it’s you know that should have been natural resolution to it that when things are are resolved and and passed out but that’s the point when I would want to write about it anyway so it’s it’s no hardship but yeah I well that’s really cool yeah that’s that’s really cool to I appreciate you put that out there and that’s another dimension of just seeing the internet be either 4 hours for helping people mature and grow in their communication skills or having a b a place that holds people back and I really I really kind of juvenile the shadow of being a juvenile State of Consciousness so that’s really that’s really awesome so cuz I think a lot of people who they use the internet and the platform and getting feedback and getting likes and getting commiseration and all that and it can be very shadowy the way it just kind of instantly gratifies that need to have Vengeance against someone who you love or you know when you have a falling out for you have whatever you’re fighting or you’re breaking up or whatever and then all this all these gory details are disclosed to try to him went to try to win over some position against them and what not Inn what that meant a joke that everybody would you end up right back with that when you’re trying to figure out your ex and you trying to do and it’s like now and you know you so doing I appreciate that you have that that diligence that are processed a where you’re going to not use it to just sort of augment and amplify black magic against your own partner you know if you are actually solving issues and Reporting it back in and that’s some and yet it seems like there will be a place for a healthy kind of here’s the situation what do you think before I take action or something you could get advice but but not try to throw people under the bus so I’m not sure I know that’s just my style I feel really uncomfortable with that I guess I guess that’s the empathy I can’t turn it off and and that’s fine by me that you know I like what I want somebody to do that no and it’s you know I’m I’m putting stuff out as I feel comfortable with it if you know so when it goes on the internet I know that that’s it it’s out there and you know you never going to get that back into the Genie’s bottle kind of thing but it’s just yeah I think empathy is the biggest key there that I treating my people the way I you know I would want to be treated you know you mentioned with communication and it’s such such an important saying one of the things that I did want to mention it when I was growing up I did not learn communication I didn’t say I was never encouraged him to really talk about things or express myself and and so that that’s basically sort of an underlying theme of this blog is no actually expressing myself is good and valuable and and it’s a skill that I’ve learned you know I’m self-taught in this and the analogy that I use is that that scene early on in The Matrix where Neo has been arrested by agent Smith and he says you know he’s not going to put up with this. Oh crap I want my phone call and and the responses you know what good is a phone call that you can’t speak and it starts to melt close and that’s how I felt like I had that feeling like there was one of my boyfriend’s I don’t even remember what the issue was that was a problem in the relationship and it was so hard to just get the words out it felt almost impossible and then later on with my husband I had experience you know difficult emotional things and I’m happy to report that that gets better with practice so I definitely encourage that you know if it’s if it’s true it’s true and it’s kind and it’s necessary as they say in a spit it out I totally agree with this is been just it a gift to having your time and having you share this it’s it’s so much more lovely beautiful and revelatory gems are yielded lots of gold came from this conversation I’m just thrilled that we we got to explore these things and I feel like yeah this is Stephanie I don’t know yet I don’t know I hope that you that you write books and will you get you that mention that actually is coming full circle do you want to talk about just where people can find your website and I didn’t know you said that earlier that you do have some some books coming out is that right wordpress.com I’ve got a couple of short pieces published in the erotic on Anthology so erotic on is an annual convention for think they say like 4 for a sexual and erotic created so it’s primarily writing but also photography it’s I think it’s usually in March and this is in London and they’ve done an anthology for the past two years which happens to be the years that I’ve attended so that this the first one is called identity and erotic on Anthology and the other one is called Truth and erotic on Anthology and those are both available on Amazon and you can find I got a piece in both of those and there’s lots of other bloggers who have have pieces in there you can also find some some other great writers through those through those books awesome those sound like all great resources definitely hope folks check it out and ya feel free anytime if you feel compelled you’re welcome to share any thoughts of Revelations or new chapters are in the show I’m I’m always interested in keeping up with people who are who are on The Cutting Edge of all this is good stuff so if you have any final words to close with all means them and I’ll just say again thank you so much and it was great speaking with you tonight not a lot of people that I’m out to in the real world so it’s nice to have a chat with somebody about this stuff or I will always here for you and will definitely be in touch in the future sounds good thanks so much. Calm and cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition is sustaining and improving the podcast for donations will help establish permaculture goddess Temple every bite ecological employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email said at the park. Com Thomas Day