Please enjoy this half hour “pondside” chat video with Courtney Gardner of AbsoluteTantra.com where we talk about male and female perspectives on the how and why of semen retention!
In this episode I’m sharing the audio from a recent video shoot I did with Courtney Garner where we discuss the how and why of semen retention as a follow up to our previous podcast:
It was great fun to be in each other’s presence and share enthusiasm for this vital and under-represented aspect of sexual health, wellness, and empowerment.
To work directly with Courtney please visit her website at:
I’m a fun-loving Practitioner who’s great at laying it out so you get it! Helping clients find practical ways to integrate the practice and make it work, is my priority. I frequently work with men on issues like porn addiction, sexual dysfunction, and disconnection. I’m also a huge meditation advocate, teaching kids and adults the foundation of a spiritual practice.
As a nurse, fitness advocate, and Tibetan 5 Element Healing Practitioner, I have a holistic view of health and an expanded approach to healing. Using my Western medical training and Eastern healing practices, I provide a fresh voice, for ancient practices that give results now. My mission is to support the growth of free minds; free from fear, judgment, pain… I work everyday to change the world, one mind at a time.
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Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin their beloveds welcome to Tantra Punk podcast episode number 145 I have a audio recording from a video shoot that I did recently with Courtney Garner of absolute Tantra. Calm and we did an episode a while back called the how and why of semen retention so I’m going to add to that with this episode where we extended dialogue in the in person discussion and we got some beautiful footage it’s also on my website under the videos Tab and so you can check that out and she is a amazing wonderful practitioner of Tibetan tantric Healing Arts and she offers a lot of amazing classes and meet ups and Retreats and really appreciate that you said working within a lineage that Devi Ward one of them I believe that the main superhero ends of the modern tantric healing movement they work together and they’re both are continuing a beautiful lineage so please definitely check out Davey Awards work as well with that said enjoy the show thanks so I I’m a coach that trains actually I teach them attention on so I’m a woman teaching men how to retainer Steven so Ben is actually packages himself and he’s a man so he’s going to give us more inside on inside on doing the practice how it feels how things have changed for your body how your sexuality has evolved because the practice so yes and I have my teacher also as well I have my own way of teaching everybody’s different so it’s beautiful to connect into also commiserate and what he no deal with the different challenges we all have to face and so yeah anyting what what what what do you feel like would be good for your students and fans to motivation for a man to want to learn some region that is a good question I’d say there’s a number of them so it’s hard to choose exactly the top but I would say probably first and foremost the jealousy and envy that I have over the level of ecstasy that women get to experience almost effortlessly the right amount of sustained attention is there you know where there’s from Steven pleasuring one’s self pleasuring yourself and having a deep ritual toys or crystals are Yoni eggs or Justino manually you really don’t expire there’s a fair for me is a man that sense of depletion after spilling my seed it’s like the party’s over and I feel like I’m a party pooper by myself or with with a woman and certainly wouldn’t have been able to discover the techniques to be able to rise up to the potential of what sort of out-of-the-box the female physiology can can can have just almost for free that’s it’s a lot of work but the payoff and the reward and that the motivation is that you do get to go into those really deep Altered States orgasmic trance states that last forever and ever and you know the next priority to that would be to be a better lover in to be not only for your own sake to have that experience but also to to actually meet the the the desire that a female partner has who is kind of boring multi-orgasmic if you can be there and I show up and man up and help deliver those experiences and it’s going to really improve and she won’t be faking it you know she won’t be it won’t be a struggle it won’t be that cuz the thing that makes it so frustrating and sort of unenjoyable and making love is the idea that would say the woman is thinking oh God I have to force myself to get to climax as fast as possible because his Chariot might turn into a pumpkin do you know any time and so I had to 7 minutes to be that guy she can relax more and experience more and go there and be fully fully sucking all of you in as a being when she doesn’t have to worry about oh God I got to hurry up and do my thing otherwise I’m going to miss out and then you as the man if you’re thinking oh god I’ve got to think about dirty socks or grandma or sports or whatever you’re doing a locker room buddies told you you’re not fully present to your potential pleasure so both of you are kind of checked out and you’re in this race and you’re not fully present so I see those are the two biggest that’s the sort of the the pleasure part of it but then there’s all the health benefits there’s all of the Dinos from of the Chinese perspective it’s really a practice of of preventive medicine and also has just so many subtle energetic benefits for just overall Health and Longevity and in their system you know it’s very clear that you have a declining amount of gene or Sexual Energy so you got to pace yourself and you know there’s different systems of measurement and there’s different intervals and some some schools and traditions you have different beliefs and opinions and and Medicine behind it but I say everybody’s an individual and you can find your sweet spot but certainly the it doesn’t come for free once you get a little bit older you know me when you’re in your teens and early twenties you can spill your seed multiple times in one evening and won’t even matter if she may not even know and sometimes you can stay even fully erect and release and stay erect and in that case you know you’re golden but that doesn’t last forever so use it wisely enjoy it while it lasts I mean you have to become more of a master of yourself and really pace yourself at this stage you know in my late thirties now I really understand how passion and purpose and drive is so intimately linked to the amount of energy that you’re cultivating and holding onto and cycling and circulating up into your heart record so using is like a furnace or you know the power plant to finance energetically this higher the higher chakras and ideally you want to plan your release and have strong intentions around it really make a magical ritual to manifest cuz when you do if you spill it accidentally that’s one thing but when you actually have a purpose for it and you’re offering as a sacrifice it’s an energetic sacrifice of your most precious magical you know biological elixirs that your body produces so if you’re going to have the intention to form of life to create a baby you know that’s a powerful intention it can be ritualize and really blessed or if it’s to create something non-biological like a job promotion or creative inspiration or an album or something that’s the really intelligent and wise path of sacrificing in and really planning and making a SAT Word would say a semen party out of your your release in visualizing yourself in the last thing I’ll say on that is dead what I’ve noticed as I’ve aged a bit is that you really feel the difference like this almost like a hangover a post ejaculatory kind of hangover and I even I think I might have coin this term post ejaculatory nihilism where you start to actually go question what you’re doing with your life and you forget about your goals but when you build up that charge on like passionate if I holding my seed for a while I put so much passion and purpose into all the things I’m doing and of course you know it keeps you aroused and it keeps you horny and it keeps you excited and that whole post ejaculatory nihilism or when you know guys the withdrawal emotionally all these depressive chemicals can come out and so it’s good to cuddle afterwards too so you keep toxic close enough so those are just that’s just for me that’s with right on the tip of my tongue to share about that whole subject so no pun intended in a nutshell that’s my perspective do that I thought was really funny because special for guys who have never tried it so kind of like a totally different experience to a different idea of sexual energy of orgasm and that’s the whole point when you practically retention it does transform your relationship with orgasm with Sexual Energy with sexually as a whole and then in turn also helps you to have more compassion for women for the opposite sex to really be able to empathize with connect with them as humans because you’re not coming from them as I’m a man your woman it’s like hey where humans are tapped into myself emotionally I talked to my sexuality and I’m happy with it and because of that I can honor and see see yours and respect yours so it’s really a practice that holistic the transformational not just about having longer better sex or more I can orgasm definitely a wonderful part of it right but even just sex the reason we want to stay in that Union longer is to read higher levels right we’re not going to get too far in 5-10 minutes and orgasm but she probably won’t and then that’s outside I really understand why Ben says you feel like the party’s over if you do exactly too fast because it’s it’s snowing over for you but it’s over for her too and that lack of choice in the matter that you know bring some pipe in ballots to to the satisfaction so I’m really happy when men take him to that their responsibility to hone in on their sexual energy to have the desire great destruct self motivation to want more for themselves to be healthier to be happier cuz one of the things that I’ve learned attention is just talked to her in general I practice Tantra right so just the practice in general really empowering because it teaches you that you don’t have to suffer you don’t have to have low energy low libido you’ll have to be a slave to jacking off the corn and disconnecting yourself in your sexuality you can fix it there’s tools there’s people that know what they’re doing I could help you we’re here to help each other help each other. A better life on the earth that we share together I’m so always know that you have the power on if you don’t have the tools you can get them by the power is definitely inside you and for me I want to talk to you a little bit about me as a female practitioner working with men because it is a little different it has open me up personally to be understanding of men personal trauma that they have to deal with a drone set up negative conditioning that affects the dynamic of men and women write the patriarchal set up it’s a set of conditioning 7 trauma that men have to deal with Professor both be happy North Board of first album Mutual Mutual happy life here on Earth as a one minute it’s helping to open up two men not having the space to the emotional I didn’t know that right as it as when we kind of fall the same societal lines of men are aggressive and not too emotional that’s me know if there’s anything you don’t know how to express train in touch we are humans we both have emotions we both have the ability to get in touch with them and when we can do that when a man can’t do that dresses NACA wake it up you notice today or they just not might have been right heat and when we walk around with you got the key to the heart and so will you guys can learn from us is just tapping into that feminine energy that he that is a big man energy and what happens with are the way that we set up our men in society being hard being you know much or not having emotions as we take away turkey because you’re human but you can’t have a kid you don’t get to happen to it in an address your emotions and process them and feel heard but we’re changing that you guys were changing that going to give him space to heal we want them to be open and see retention is a practice that changes a man’s perspective it really expands it just from sexuality being a genital Center thing now it’s like six what is like part of my existence like how did I get here sexual energies what’s my most powerful force of creation Sexual Energy so are seeing retention Factor start and helps us to learn to harness the energy use it for transformation use it for healing music for happiness and pleasure and we all deserve back where you guys are a woman pleasure and orgasms and all that what are we going to do for the penis and happiness today if it is the Enigma you know how could it seems impossible right but how could you possibly control that how could you separate orgasm from ejaculation it’s like it’s like impossible but hey we got to split atoms and creep mass destruction weapons of mass destruction weapons of mass queuing and in love and miss you guys for skin intact if you make it easier to rise to the occasion and that’s a whole nother subject but that’s part of it so whether or not you have your cut or uncut you know you have a different road map for her progressing on this path and I’ll see you know as being uncut I have the blessing of having what you can call practice vagina because if it’s able to Passaic it doesn’t get shaved it doesn’t get sort of beating up throughout life do you know and it protects the sensitivity so I I do kill that family connection more grab my life and I’ve always felt that night I didn’t have to suffer that immediate trauma of just feeling butchered at Birth you know that’s really a tragic thing that we overlooked and it’s responsible for violence and culture is in Warrior Coulson just all of that is all that stuff so wherever you’re starting from with that you know the different world map like I said but it’s something to be honored and respected him and understood what are some of the ways that you get people started off I’m going to give you guys a few tips to just get started on reconnecting with your sexuality but this really what I seen your attention practice does so first thing I always say is slow down slow down is a big thing that not just sexually but everywhere we need to do right into practice slowing down because if you think about your going to take a walk through the garden you run through that Garden you’re not going to do any flowers Fountain was there just ran to the Garden but if you just slow down and take a walk through the garden you not only get to your destination with his which is orgasm we want that right but you’ll be able to really enjoy the pleasure all the way up to the orgasm flowers smell out of that so I invite you to slow down Savor your sex whether it’s with yourself or with another person favorite I’m just so much more pleasure to be had when you just be present in that moment I was just kind of rushing through it to this this instant gratification and that’s just part of our how we are these days this instant gratification is a big thing right B can Google anything to get information as soon as you want I’m communication we can pretty much contact anybody anytime you a lot until we are used to getting things very quickly so think about you orgasm your sexuality as something that is secret write something that you want to save her not to be so no rush through most of the other one just slow down the other two would be if you guys are using any outside sources of stimulation so so using foreign heavy visualisations I invite you to try and just bring that down bring your focus from your head or whatever religion is outward bring it in words I’ll try focusing on your body what do you feel how can you with your even your own hands make your body feel good what do you like so I invite you to try those things reconnect with your body with your pleasure and then see how that expands your sexual experiences with others or just expand your connections with your sexuality so you can you know you got quiet down to listen to something so this is just me telling you guys to be a little bit more quiet so you can hear what your body is saying do that let me know how it works. I love the idea that the heart chakra if you do put in effort to open at your kind of creating this magical magnetic Vortex that will suck the energy up so that feeling of your getting to the edge and you’re going to explode from the genitals actually if the Heart is Open it’s going to alleviate that pressure and it’s going to create a nice flow and it’s just going to naturally drawn up and into it and then if you can transmute it and bring it up and up and up into the third eye and Crown then you really do know cooking with grease you’re really because yeah we do want to connect a heart chakra with her sexual Kirby gray I’m going to connect those two I’m so yeah. When when you are riding to the top fires going to hot and ready to cool the fire down I think breathe in and out from the heart and that does it pulls the energy up to here and when you breathe from your heart it helps you just dissipate through the whole body so you’ll get that that Sexual grasmick Energy not just in your genitals but all over your heart your fingertips your feet so that Thing You Do arrive to that beautiful magical moment it’s a full body experience exactly any luck came to me is I’m going to step into my man I’m putting my manhood hat on right now and say For All You’ve machine heads and motor heads out there think of your heart as the radiator and your breath is the fan in that in that vehicle vehicle is trying to get you to the level of where your partner is at already you going to get in your hot rod and you’re going to fire that thing up and turn it on and you got to have if you don’t have a radiator what happens with the steam coming out of the engine you know what I mean is laughing YouTube Van running hot radiator and breathe add PVC I’m getting the tools to me sucking up and sipping up that hole for a Man Out say that you’re reeling them and Tom Sanskrit ligaments the word for penis and beans Wanda flight so it sounds really good right you guys want of light Sacred Space is the only so those are really pretty words that using your lingam as a straw to drop energy so you know if you were in Union with a woman you could sip her energy or Essence through your link up your body up your channel on your Center and then you can pretty much send that to your heart since your head at the man is really really aroused I used to tell him to pull it all the way up to his head and how to get the throttle body help from some situations keep it flowing everything you know this is all a replacement for our normal habit of holding our breath and so what we’re doing now instead of just like you know going to the orgasm for saying hey relax ride the wave ride the wave of orgasm cuz that’s what it should be like it should be something very relaxing something pleasurable something that you can just fall into a balloon we have sex now a lot of times it’s very picky coaster ride you can have a lot more pleasure beat have a lot more enjoyment feels like a nice sweetie right right a serf that don’t you think about what you think about something weird dirty thoughts are genetically and when you’re in your head you’re withdrawn energetically from your body is so we can feel that so if you’re if you’re with her and you guys are proven good and you’re about to come and you want to stop in your life we feel that break for severe able to kind of just take a breath. Up maybe to slow down or stop your your stroke but still keeping the moment these present in your body with her it’s a totally different experience to keep that connection going it’s not fixed this pause you have to take a nap to build back up your arousal connection and I’ll save him experience the more practice you have practice makes perfect of course you know you if you’ve been coached any sport or anything it’s like that it’s okay in The Mask you hyper masculine world I don’t want to call toxic with the hyper masculine world to say you expect that you’re going to be drilled by a coach and you’re going to be you know you’re going to have to practice over and over and over again no other aspect of self-mastery would you expect to Just Master out of the box but for some reason we’re so you know condition that we’re supposed to know everything and do everything right the first time and put as much effort into becoming a sexual artist and loving Artist as you would a martial artist or a sportsman or whatever so you know that here we have who else to inspire you to want to walk this so we do need more connection and we do need somewhere that’s emotionally available to talk about his feelings and I’ll be able to hear hers is one thing that happens with relationships as if you’re not emotionally connected in touch with your emotions and how the hell you going to hear mine and I know what I’m feeling right so do it for yourself and also do it for future relationships in order to have a really good connection in order to have intimacy you have to be able to do that with yourself and I know we have the stigma around anything self write in just the selfishness of self but really there’s no other there’s no other stores have to come for myself yeah Justin Moore’s the more you love yourself the more of a full overflowing container you can offer and share with other people so that you’re not sucking energy away from them you’re not a vampire you’re not super needy and totally week sexually and spiritually if you love yourself and your overflowing abundant than you can you know it’s the misery loves company and happiness loves company to so so any other thoughts just to kind of give this teaser to get people excited about it for the guys out there no matter what age you are but know a lot of younger guys will say they like there’s nothing wrong with you and really does not yet but healthy Sexual Energy strong maybe if you have multiple orgasms but the natural process of Our Lives is overtime those things are going to change and so now you have the opportunity to get yourself to a certain level we’re in your younger days you’re on already at a good at a good place now you can just max that out at in your view that have the best experience that when you do get older they not deteriorating as if no Hazard normal to start to deteriorate and so like you said with the the Chinese wear jean runs out over the years so I should become older it’s hard to get back up to Baseline you’re going to be struggling to even feel like you have a strong sexual cheap I’m so now it’s like hey you can get not only hear FaceTime you can get above that and just stay here and that pretty much makes you invincible if you guys think about it like that means you’re you’re not as not susceptible to age muscle deterioration weakness brain cloudiness I’m always things are affected by our declining Sexual Energy I’m an excess ejaculation but think about your help for sure if you’re an older man understanding that you still have the apartment in the tools to have a strong Sexual Energy even if you have gone through the natural process of it declining where to get back up to that that since I was strong Mojo can still do it just takes diligence it takes practice and it takes this love for for your yourself look word be sexual energy that is your power if you don’t do it like that it’s just can’t really motivate yourself without heart heart right like you need hard so do it for yourself do it because you need it and also if you have any Hang-Ups around you know I don’t need to know anything like I know what I’m doing I know it was know everything you’re doing and you need to put seatrain we never were trained so there’s there’s a certain base light of knowledge that we were denied a shame. I love our whole lives so now you have it available to you so I encourage you to take that knowledge for yourself for a better world and also you can spread that to Future Generations we don’t have this passing on any more negative conditioning button help you have it at about semen retention and saving your seat holding onto your juice and so yeah it’s been it’s been grand and again you know there’s a percentage of the world who likes to learn these techniques through watching the videos that I put out online and but I think there’s a greater percentage of the population that would would probably rather do this work through the educational Works in materials and coaching of this beloved goddess here Courtney so please Avail yourself of her teachings and I’m always here for you too and yeah with that will close with the time to Kiss and Say Goodbye thank you for listening to the touch upon podcast please go to www.crunch.com and cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition to see me and improving the podcast your donations will help establish permaculture goddess temples every bite ecological employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email event at Tantra Punk. Com Thomas gay
In this episode I read an essay I originally wrote several years ago to document my study of Francesca Gentile’s Sex, Tantra, and Kama Sutra Podcast. After listening to every episode I felt compelled to summarize the highlights of what I learned and create a simple introductory practical guide to spiritually conscious sexual union. I recently revised it for publication at the Good Men Project, and I’ve recorded a spoken word version here.
Why Get Off When You Can Stay On and Get High?
Everyday we wake up with renewed sexual energy, and we’re driven by the need to do something with it. What does it want to do? It wants to connect with other consenting age-appropriate human beings in as free, open, loving, and wild a way possible. It wants to get us high, heal our bodies, blast us into hyperspace, take us for a trip across the astral plane, keep us peaceful, careful, loving, and kind, bind couples and communities together, drive procreation, and more.
Unfortunately the dominant culture has denied this energy, dammed its flow, and damned its spirit to hell. Virtually everyone in our culture is sexually dysfunctional, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The resulting sickness manifests subtly and overtly in all domains. Much of what is toxic, unsustainable, and harmful in modern civilization can be thought of as the physical manifestation of misdirected sexual energy. When we train our minds and bodies to embrace and cultivate this energy we can build more ethical economic systems, more sustainable infrastructure, and have more compassionate public policy and diplomacy. Instead of trashing the finite planet to build empires of ego, we can build palaces of transcendent pleasure in infinite spiritual realms, right from the comfort of our own bedrooms. Frustrated, angry sublimation can be transmuted to blissful flowing superlimation.
Here are some practical steps for men:
Without self love, most people are love deficient, they have a hole that they’re trying to fill, rather than an overflowing abundance that they’re eager to share.
For most of my life I lived without self love. I didn’t think it could be cultivated from within, I thought I needed it to be imported from the outside. Through serious pain, heart-break, and study I learned how and why to self-love. From compliments to the mirror, to medibation (masturbation + meditation), to getting fit, to eating right, to educating myself, I learned to take an active interest in myself so that when I hear the song “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode, I sing “All I ever wanted, all I ever needed…” to myself, “here in my arms”…me! Without that glowing self love, where you stand tall, with good posture, happy for no reason, content, calm, peaceful, energetic, you can’t attract what you really want. Attraction is a factor of energy. You can be skinny and be unattractive if you’re spirit is faded and you don’t love yourself. Conversely, you can be large and be an electro-magnet because you love yourself and it excites and turns people on. It’s not a matter of how tight the skin is to the bones, it’s a matter of how tight the spirit is to the flesh. The spirit’s food is love, feed it everyday with a life-long romance with yourself, your body, your mind. Your spirit will stay with you and turn heads for you. Crouch like a pretzel in the corner, let your spirit fade, and dwell in the shadow of negative self talk, and self-conceived ugliness, and you will not attract anyone, or whoever you do attract will be of like-vibration, you’ll attract another pain-bodied self-hating energy vampire and you’ll perpetually make life hell for each other.
The simplest way I can put it is to use the cultural construct of the “dream man” or “dream woman”. At one point I said to myself, wait a minute, if I’m this toxic mess of deprivation and clingy, needy desire, and I want some angelic princess to come along and rescue me and make me happy, and be perfect, and never upset me, or change, well, only change to be exactly the way I want her of course…isn’t something missing from the picture? That’s an ugly picture, beauty and the beast! I realized that, the dream love I wanted was a two way street. I had to love myself just as much, I had to be my dream self, or at least know what that was and be working towards it. So I built the vision in my mind of my dream self, and without waiting for someone to rescue me, I went to work, broke out of my shell of self-pity and started to build the dream me. I’ll never be done, because as I grow I want to grow more, but as long as I’m growing, I’m not dying and the mirror gets more and more forgiving and loving. Not just because of physical work, but because of spiritual, intellectual, and emotional work.
In this heart-broken and self-esteem broken society, the mirror is your worst enemy but it can become your best friend no matter what anyone else says about your appearance. It can be a tool to develop a relationship with yourself, your first and only truly life-long relationship. You can go through a million partners, but you’ll always have to face yourself, sleep with yourself, argue with yourself, put up with yourself. The mirror can be a tool for building that abundance of love, from the inside out that you can share with the world.
By training I mostly mean masturbation, or preferably medibation (masturbation + meditation). For men, if you’re not “getting laid” you better be staying in shape by masturbating not just to get off and get on with life, but rather to make love to yourself with similar time, focus, and attention, as you’d give to the act of love with a partner. Not only is it necessary to maintain “stamina” by mastering the art of riding the edge of climax and drawing the energy through the body with breath and self massage, but it’s necessary to keep your body lit up with erotic energy.
If you’re not in a partnership where sex is shared regularly, maintaining a healthy regular loving relationship with yourself keeps your wiring and gears from rusting and locking up.
Also the power to do sex magic is as potent (though perhaps not as powerful) alone as with a partner. Think about it, when stimulating yourself you’re raising all of this energy into and through your system, whatever thoughts/visions/ideas/desires are in your mind can and should be energized as well. Whether you need to psyche yourself out to remember the study questions for the mid-term, of you’re trying to manifest a new job, or a new lover, why waste the energy by just consuming porn or fantasizing about some cover-girl?
The Love of a Lover
I think you can have great sex with strangers, it’s not very safe, fulfilling, or sustainable, and it can’t get you as high as with a true lover. Developing love first is always a better way to go in my opinion because there can be trust, comfort, relaxation, safety and other ingredients listed below.
So here are few notes on the love of a lover. It’s actually easier to love oneself it seems because you’re in total control of your decisions (unless you’re dominated by addictive behavior, then you’re basically in a toxic relationship with yourself). In relationships, a tension builds over time around all the resentment over little things, the disagreements, power struggles, compromises, annoyances, etc. If that energy isn’t carefully managed and flushed properly, it can back up into the bedroom and toxify the sexual environment. Even worse, sex can be manipulated as a weapon to seek justice or revenge for problems in other domains of the relationship. It can be withheld, or faked, or just done without passion or spirit and be lame. Either partner can find ways to poison the sacred union both intentionally and unintentionally.
In my experience and study, there are a few key patterns in relationships that have to be carefully guarded against. And there are a few practices that have to be religiously maintained in order for healthy, ecstatic sex to be shared.
First I want to describe the typical love curve. For most couples, high states of ecstasy are easily achieved early on because the love is fresh, exciting, and new. There is heightened curiosity, passion, romance, and both partners are on their best behavior, they haven’t yet fought, their lives aren’t yet entangled, they haven’t had to work through issues or compromise on much. This “Cloud 9” high, is great, but it doesn’t last. It’s a true neuro-chemical drug-induced state that sooner or later you “come down” from and reality comes crashing back in. True mastery of love would be to know how to re-access these chemical states and actually enhance them over time as the relationship grows. The difference after the initial free high wares off, is that you have to give more energy and attention to sustain it, and consistently purify the relationship with fun, adventure, novelty, creativity, and most importantly, open hearted communication.
In our culture of instant gratification, cheap thrills, and no work ethic, most people stay perpetually stuck in the “thrill of the chase” stage where you play “the game” of building up a flirtatious and seductive fling. You’re getting high on the excitement of pursuit, there’s uncertainty and the possibility for failure which keeps you on your toes. You play the game and once you win, that is, once you actually hook up, have sex, and start hanging out, the excitement disappears. It becomes easy, mundane, expected, the chase is over, the thrill is gone. So what do you do, you trail off in communications, you stop being responsive, you fade away and begin again with another prey. Men and women do this all the time, usually leaving a broken-hearted victim.
It makes sense in a way because once that 2 week to 2 month easy high wears off, building a lasting love requires disciplined effort, and all of the ugliness of each person starts to creep out. It makes perfect sense, but it also keeps people in perpetual immaturity. Why do people get stuck in the addictive “chase” cycle, because they lack the patience and discipline to really apply themselves to build real love. The lack of true love, and shallowness of constant flings means ultimate lack of fulfillment and unhappiness, and often the inability to experience the highest states of ecstasy.
I’ve basically tried to establish this phenomenon of the love curve. We’re all some where along it. The goal I think should be to understand it, and find ways to healthily work through it so that it’s more evenly spaced. For example, in a long term relationship, when the initial spike drops, expect it, be aware of it, and don’t think that the love is dead, just know that like a garden, it will die if not properly maintained with TLC. So many couples are sexless for decades, then shell out thousands of dollars to therapists just so they can re-ignite that initial romantic passion. The next time you fall in love, keep a dairy together and take good notes on what felt the best so you’ll have a bread crumb trail to follow when times get tough.
Every person has certain stimuli that make them feel loved the most. It could be a word, a voice tonality, a touch, a place to visit, whatever it may be, the point is we need to know things like this about ourselves and our lovers, and we need to upkeep the practice of making one another feel loved. And we need to learn how to clear emotional space so that passion can be kept alive.
Again, like a garden, if you don’t properly bury the weeds and their seeds in sheet mulch, all the nutrients will be robbed and your crops will be grown over and buried alive. It’s easy to get lazy and let the weeds grow in relationships, so that you can’t even see what you originally planted. If you’re lucky it’s still there, but it’s going to be a hard job to clear it up and bring it into full production if you’ve let it go for a while. That’s why simple, steady, low-level maintenance is so important in love. Going back to the self love component, the more inner prep work you’ve done while alone, the less weeds will sprout in the garden of your love with a partner. With the right amount of preparation and maintenance you’ll be spending more time smelling each others flowers and tasting each others fruits than pulling each others weeds.
Just try to set the intention with yourself and your lover to keep a burning desire for each other alive, and make sure to have combustible chemistry always. It’s not easy, don’t blame yourself or your partner if it fades. The dropping off of the curve is natural, accept it and put effort into pushing it up to ever-higher levels! I great formula for sustaining healthy long-term relationships that I’ve learned and practiced is: daily affection, weekly date-nights, and monthly romantic adventures. I’ve added a couple bonuses: on demand 5-10 minute cuddle breaks and on demand spontaneous dance breaks.
Your sex partner should be someone with whom you share similar life goals. The more aligned your ambitions are the more stable and fruitful the relationship will be. Falling in lust and building a relationship without a foundation of purpose can often be a recipe for disaster. Co-creative synergy should be as important in selecting a mate as sexual chemistry and physical attractiveness.
Prayer and Intent
Before love making verbalize a shared intention, it could be to honor each other as divine beings, to deepen the love, or to achieve a specific outcome such as manifesting a promotion at work. Sacred sexuality involves sexualizing prayer and overcoming religious shame of carnal pleasure. Whatever names you use to call upon your God(s)/Goddess(es) of choice, addressing them in your love making ritual is essential. Many people exclaim “Oh My God” unconsciously throughout the act. In my experience, sexual energy is an amplifier of your prayers. If you want your prayers to make it to the top of the stack, state them clearly and believe fully that whatever request you make will be best received when packaged in a container of pure loving grace.
This is very subjective and variable. But to be safe, my experience and study tells me that for intercourse itself, 30 minutes or more is the optimal range for the magic to really happen. There are so many energetic and chemical currents, some raging, some very subtle, but they’re all epic in their development. The more time they have to flow, the more merging of consciousness can occur so that you become one unified vessel of blissful consciousness able to soar through higher dimensions.
Sacred Set and Setting
Creating a magical altar, lighting candles, burning incense, playing music, wearing sensual clothing, etc. can anchor a sacred mindset and on a metaphysical level, serve to disinfect the environment. Ritualizing the build up to union creates an atmosphere where consciousness is focused, attention is undivided, and the body has the cues it needs for juices to flow and for arousal to occur gradually from a deeper level of being. You may choose to burn sage and call in by name whatever spiritual allies you are close to and command that all things that don’t serve the highest good be banished, be they negative emotions, energies, or entities. If this sounds too occult or hippie-ish, it’s easy enough to simply verbalize that you intend to create a field of pure love where nothing but the truth of bliss is welcome.
Bathing is one of the most sensual activities you can share together. It’s always recommended from a sexual health and hygiene perspective, beyond that it effectively sets up the “take turns” approach to giving and receiving pleasure.
Energy comes from proper eating habits, hydration, regular exercise, rest and the right attitude. Poor diet, dehydration, lack of movement, sleep deprivation and a negative attitude will rob you of energy. Huge meals before love making can obviously sap energy. Light meals at least a couple of our before love making is recommended and trays of fresh fruit, berries, nuts, chocolate, and other healthy sensual foods to snack on throughout a love making session are quite nice and help sustain energy levels.
Dancing is the art of making love before or without having sex. If you haven’t danced with someone, how can you trust them with your heart and your sexual health? Dancing is an essential part of maximizing the potential of foreplay. It’s what starts all of the engines in the charka system. It gets the blood flowing, detoxifies the lymph system, and gets you energetically prepared for long lasting, full bodied, transcendent orgasms. It also creates a field within which only blissful emotion can survive, it makes the past dissolve, and allows smiles to bubble to the surface uncontrollably.
You can roll on top of each other at midnight after you click off the TV, knowing you have to get up at 6:00am, and the love making will most likely leave much to be desired. A better approach would be to shut off the TV a couple hours earlier and pretend you and your lover are the TV stars, act out and role play your own script, be your own entertainment, and make it a dancing musical while you’re at it!
Relaxation with Massage
When people rush to sex, they’re not taking the time to shed the energetic tension of the day. Massage is an exquisite means to bring the body to a state of complete and total relaxation. If lovers gave each other even a five minute coconut oil massage before intercourse, they’d experience exponentially more pleasure and satisfaction.
Full Attention and Presence with Meditation
Meditation is the key to focusing your full attention and into the body and the present moment. It can be as simple as closing your eyes and focusing your attention on deep breaths. There are infinite ancient and modern techniques from all over the world. It’s best to try a variety and decide what works best for you and your partner. Whether you’re sitting still, stretching, or dancing, the goal should be to quiet the mind.
Breathing, and Conscious Energy Circulation
Breathing techniques are extremely important. There are all kinds that should be studied and experimented with. According to Tantric and Taoist traditions, the breath can be the most powerful tool to circulate energy. It’s critical that the men master breathing techniques so that the high voltage sexual energy can be drawn up from genitals and circulate internally throughout the body, and externally when with a partner. There are many detailed diagrams of energy flow within an individual’s sexual energetic circuitry and the same for couples. I won’t describe these in detail here, but it’s enough to know that when shared sexual energy is built in a couple, it has to go somewhere. For many men who don’t consciously circulate their sexual energy with breathing, meditation, and visualization techniques, premature ejaculation is a lifelong curse.
If the energy is not consciously cycled within the individual or couple, it will get jammed in the genital area and eventually explode in the form of a fleeting orgasm. But when circulated, it can result in waves of multiple orgasm for both the female and the male, and thus push the couples unified consciousness into ever higher and deeper altered states of ecstasy.
Warning: breath and energy circulation techniques should be practiced only with the guidance master. Extremely powerful waves of energy can be released that require advanced methods of preparation to be able to safely endure.
Eye gazing, or sustained eye contact is one of the most intense forms of intimacy. It comes easily in the early stages of love and when practiced regularly during sex can play an important role in sustaining true love. Having sex in the dark or with eyes closed, or astray, allows the mind to wander. Consciousness can leave the moment, whether it’s to fantasize about someone else, or go over the shopping list, without eye contact, there’s no guarantee that quality attention is shared. It doesn’t have to be constant, but it should be regular, and it should be what starts the sexual session.
It’s not desirable to be fettered with all kinds of formal procedures, or to keep count of this or that, the point is to train in these things so that they become effortless and automatic. It’s just like martial arts, you train to learn the skill and eventually like magic the skill performs for you without arduous effort. Your consciousness is free to just be fully present in the experience as your body dances with the energy using the tools and techniques you taught it.
Basic Anatomy and Stimulation
Developing an understanding of female anatomy is so important. The dominant culture has trained men to believe that 100% of a woman’s pleasure is a direct result of his size when in fact the majority of erogenous tissue is in and around the clitoris. And only certain positions actually allow the penis to reach the G-Spot.
Sadly, porn cinematography favors the visually dramatic deep thrusting pattern which is typically the least pleasurable for the woman, and the most overstimulating for the man. The key is to balance the stimulation, so excitement builds steadily for both partners. Keep the thrusting pattern at a ratio that favors shallow over deep. This will protect you from overstimulation and keep her in a positive feedback loop of building anticipation and reward.
Another vital strategy to prevent premature ejaculation is to do what boxers do when they get exhausted. You know how they burrrow themselves into each other as though to hide from their opponents punches by limiting their range and velocity? Well you can achieve the same effect by thrusting all the way in and holding on tight with a bear hug so that the range of thrusting motion is limited and your stimulation is decreased. You’ll discover that being in deep for longer periods of time actually benefits your partner because she’ll be happy to grind on your public bone while you whimper and pant while regaining your strength for continued thrusting action.
Direct manual clitoral stimulation should not be done immediately, rather, slow caressing of the pelvic area should be gradually built up. Packed in the clitoris are as many nerves as the entire penis, and there’s a “circuit overload” phenomenon that can be quite uncomfortable and inhibit arousal.Direct manual clitoral stimulation should not be done immediately, rather, slow caressing of the pelvic area should be gradually built up. Packed in the clitoris are as many nerves as the entire penis, and there’s a “circuit overload” phenomenon that can be quite uncomfortable and inhibit arousal.
There is also the G-Spot, which is just behind the pubic bone in the inner vaginal wall. Insert one or two fingers and do the “come hither” motion to put pressure on the dense sponge-like tissue. Once you and your partner have located it with fingers and she can identify the sensation, experiment with various positions of intercourse and become more conscious of how to stimulate it with the penis.
The male anatomy is pretty self-explanatory, however most straight folk are unaware of the male G-Spot, which is the prostate. It’s about the size of a dried apricot and it can be stimulated from the outside by applying pressure between the testicles and the anus, or for the slightly more adventurous, from within via insertion of body parts/objects of your choice into the anus.
Everyone is different, everyone’s wiring is different; that is what’s fun about getting to know someone sexually. For someone to share with you what makes them unique and for them to train you to play them like a musical instrument can be a true joy.
I won’t go into detail about positions, oral techniques, thrusting patterns, etc. here, just study, experiment and keep in mind the principles of spontaneity and diversity.
Consider how when you put your clothes on, your body registers the sensation, but once it’s registered, it doesn’t keep sending you the same signals. There’s a trailing off of sensation once your body gets used to something so the changing of position, rate, depth, patterns, etc. often keeps the body guessing and the signals are more intense.
So how does the average American male understand his sexual energy and its application with a sex partner? Generally, like most things in patriarchal culture, it’s understood within a construct of goal oriented sports. Hence the metaphors, “Did you score?, “No, I only got to third base,”… Guys are culturally taught that the objective is to score, first by getting a woman in bed, second by performing athletically so that she reaches climax during or before his climax. No surprise that the locker-room wisdom for guys to keep from ejaculating prematurely is to “think of a sport where you haven’t shot the ball yet…”
The primary goal of simply having sex is far more rewarded and tallied in the locker room than the secondary goal which is to perform in a way the satisfies one’s partner. So although all men know they’re supposed to be able to “go all night long” most don’t bother to learn how. The average American married couple’s sex lasts for 3-5 minutes.
This tragedy is one of the main reasons why countless American women have never had an orgasm during intercourse, and if shamed away from masturbation, have never had an orgasm at all.
So what’s really going on here? There’s an orgasmic economy that’s very unequal. The untrained man is quickly overwhelmed by stimulation while his female partner is consistently underwhelmed. The man gets off and passes out leaving the woman teased and dissatisfied. This cycle repeats again and again until they cheat, divorce, or die.
Balancing sexual energy requires increasing duration and can be achieved with a variety of trained/practiced techniques and fundamental understandings.
For sexual union to bring both male and female partners into altered states of ecstasy, this balance has to be achieved.
Because of the physiological differences between women and men, it’s easy for a man to simply get aroused physically whereas a woman’s arousal originates from a deeper place physically and spiritually. It’s like building a camp fire, it has to be done according to certain principles. If you light a match and drop a log on it, it won’t burn, you have to take the time to make the perfect little nest of tinder, build a perfect cone of kindling, and in stages build up to a roaring fire.
The problem with most men is that we’re not aware of this because, it’s not required for us to climax. A minimum 30 minutes of intercourse is a lot to ask as many men can’t survive the intensity of stimulation more than a few minutes. Or if they can last for 30 minutes or longer, if their heart isn’t present, they’re not going to bring their partner to climax, hence the faked female orgasm.
Without becoming distracted or anxious by having a goal to perform perfectly, couples can work over time towards the ability to increase duration and heartful presence.
The real goal should be to focus full attention on your partner and the pleasure itself, it’s only with this full presence that the doors to higher dimensions open. However many men regularly project their attention elsewhere and thus never let their full energy, spirit, and consciousness fill up in the moment. That’s truly what builds female arousal, the physical aspect is secondary to this primary need.
With the understanding that in order to “satisfy” a woman, a man must last longer, what can he do? One way to visualize male physiology is to imagine a circuit breaker. When the circuit is overloaded it breaks and the lights go out. Ever plug in too many appliances at once, and everything shuts off and you’re standing there like a fool in the dark? Welcome to the bedrooms of millions of couples across America.
A man has to learn to distribute the high-voltage current throughout his whole body, this is the only way he can survive the intensity. First he must know that it’s possible to withhold ejaculation yet have multiple and continuous full body orgasms. Many men haven’t ever been introduced to this idea. In many cases, masturbation in adolescence was done quickly, secretly, and in a state of shallow rapid breathing under the stress and fear of being caught. That doesn’t set up a good neuro-physiological template for long, relaxed, sacred love making later in life.
Once the idea is learned, the art and science has to be studied, practiced, and mastered. There are many books, websites, videos, classes, etc. on ejaculation control, or as some people like to say ejaculation “choice”. Just Google multiple male orgasms, Taoist Sexual Kung Fu, and Tantric Cobra breath.
Another training technique that both men and women should do on a regular basis is kegel exercises where you repeatedly contract the “PC” (pubococcygeus) muscles on the pelvic floor in various intervals. They’re the same muscles used to stop the flow of urination. If you haven’t identified them, next time you urinate, do what you normally would to stop the flow and you’ve found them. When men regularly contract these muscles, they condition the ability to withhold ejaculation by contracting them as the urge to ejaculate arises. For women, the main application of conditioned PC muscles is to create more tightness and muscle control during intercourse.
Going back to the sports analogy, if the man is distracted and caught up just trying to make the woman climax, he’s not fully present, not fully being in the experience. If a woman is feeling anxiety because she wants to force herself to climax so she can make the man feel like he’s not a failure, and protect his fragile ego, she’s not fully present and enjoying the experience. Yes the climax of both partners is desirable, but as long as there’s mutual effort put in by both parties to develop the skills to have a general equality of climax over time, it won’t be the end of the world if the male either loses an erection, or prematurely ejaculates during one session. So the goal should be to not have a goal and to just feel as freely as possible, but to have done the homework to make disappointment the exception not the rule.
Have fun, be safe, be sacred. You are already a God, you just need to train and condition your sexual Godhood so that you can rise to the built in potential of your Goddess.