Spiritual First Aid for Sexual Assault Survivors with Alexandria Baker TPP177

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In this episode I’m joined again by Alexandria Baker, a southern California sex educator, Hatha yoga instructor, ethical luxurious natural beauty and skin care entrepreneur, model, and performance artist.

In our previous episode she shared all about her personal journey, background:
https://tantrapunk.com/sexy-mindfulness-in-lifestyle-and-livelihood-with-alexandria-baker-tpp149/

I was eager to learn of her recent world traveling adventures and sadly discovered in the course of the podcast that she had experienced sexual assault. She boldly shares about the experience, I do my best to apply comforting and empowering stories from my personal battles with surviving sexual trauma. We compare notes and agree that much more loving, care, safe space is needed culturally to seriously address the the plague of abuse.

Please visit her website and Youtube channel at:

https://www.fromalexandria.com/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcTemJEFn3GVpGuCbJnu6Yg

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Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin podcast episode number 177 I’m being rejoined by Alexandria Baker who is a Southern California sex educator Hatha Yoga instructor ethical luxurious natural beauty and skincare entrepreneur model and performance artists and we didn’t episode called sexy mindfulness in lifestyle and livelihood and that was supposed to number 149 so I encourage you to reference that and go back and check that out to get more of the origin story of Alexandria’s super heroic efforts in the world and we’re about to hear an update from from her recent Journeys have brought into studies and I’ve only been getting beautiful glimpses on Instagram here and there so this is going to be exciting exciting round of updates from who I hope will be a regular correspondent here on the 5 chest it was a pleasure last time and it is a pleasure now and yeah but when was that that was back in April so a lot has happened since then and we ended our last podcast on a bit of a teaser discussing the center for positive sexualities first conference that I was speaking at and that has come and gone and it has created this magical little nest in my heart of and something that I am now starting to really give birth and rice to riches giving more guided meditations and being able to present mindfulness with sexuality and these fears that perhaps might not have been acquainted with it before but what was so nice about that conference was that I was just one of a few people who actually brought up the topic of mindfulness and so it was a crowd that was someone acquainted with being Mindful and present having a sense of spirituality with the sexual and there are some who are very Green Cemetery need to it and others who were like yeah I do this all the time but it was a really Welcome Avenue for this mental and spiritual exploration and so to see people tuned in and then dial into themselves as I was talking about connecting with your sexy self in a spiritual way was just so awesome and beautiful and this is a great time to continue to develop them right to spread the seeds and let this let these eggs hatch into a beautiful birds that I can fly so that was the conference and since then I have been traveling to Europe and West Africa to meditation and yoga and it’s been a beautiful blessing and really really tough challenges well we can get into that yeah please do yeah I’m riveted knowing that you get to travel so much and and I’m all have questions but I love for you to just keep rolling in to give us like the the chronology you know and the itinerary and all that good stuff I was so I left in the middle of the end of July to go to Malta for a month and there it was really about developing my personal practice and it is very focused and driven and really into my body and inhabiting the space and what is a teeny tiny Island that’s below Sicily which is below the boot of Italy and there’s some things going on but at the same time it was also I felt very isolated and so it was a challenge to not have a bunch of friends around that I can just call and hang out if it was a time till I get my books in writing and really work on myself so there were parts of it ever really hard and lonely but also turning Inward and the connecting with the spiritual finding myself my core and from there I moved on to Madrid Spain and I was in the church for a few weeks and I started to do more of my performance training which is primarily with the Leroy which is a suspended suspended ring that was awesome and I have all the little there around southern Spain went back to Madrid from Madrid to Lisbon Portugal I was there for three nights then Portugal fluid to the car Senegal I was there for a few weeks and I went to The Gambia and kind of so this is a country that’s on the western side of Africa and north of that is a little sliver of a country The Gambia I was there for a week return to Senegal back to Lisbon for a little less than a week I was in Spain I want to travel to Barcelona and explore in North Eastern side of spade and go into the south of France and clear out in the mountains and come back down drove down there for a while continue to teach you take classes that was a journey of about four months of teaching and falling in love with myself and other people and practice medicine allowing myself to and it sometimes not allowing myself but just being totally gutted and exposed to the core and having these really intense experiences and I’m not really beautiful and some that were really hard but you’re all that I’m doing my best to slam girl from it took to be able to find gig type work I can sit around the world so I’m curious if you could elaborate on the the planning and forethought and design that went into kind of brought it sound, it sounds almost like you were you booked almost like a chore to do your teachings intimate in to provide your offerings and I’m wondering if that was something you did kind of in advance or if it was just you go to a place and you ask around and you put up with you know a sign and a window or I don’t know I’m so curious how you how you get to be blessed to the level of being able to just take a shower on the road and in not as so they have a booking agent or not yeah I have no idea of the sounds great. Sounds like a great way to have a vacation travel go to business totally that’s absolutely but it was and when it comes to travel I’m a bit of a wild woman I have an idea of the types of things that I would like to do or what I want to experience or maybe these I have a huge list of places that I want to see so I’ll think okay I want to go to this beach so how can I make it happen that’s not what happened for this trip my initial intention for going out to Spain which was Miley main point was to go to school but with the beautiful ways that FAFSA and other the economics of University goes it didn’t work out and instead of just like being super bummed about it or coming home early as I did come home early but I was planning on staying out there for a year I messaged one of my girlfriends who I am connected to through performance and asked her about I I I sent her a message and ask where should I go in Africa I’ve never been I want to experience that I want to explore maybe Morocco Egypt and I’m going to be in Senegal on these dates does this work out and it worked out perfectly and she has an organization the gambian marine and Environmental Conservation and initiative which is dedicated to protecting and preserving The Gambia through immediate action and Community Development that I’m just so behind I love it I love watching her grow and seeing her journey and the things that she’s doing for for her country and I said okay how can I be a part of this what can I do and she’s a dance instructor so she has connections at Studios and with interested people who like to move back active and it was just a beautiful Snowball Effect of I connected with one studio and then I looked an air B&B to stay out for the week and then the hostess happened to go to a studio just their instructors left to go back home the week before so it was like why all of these things are happening in a really beautiful amazing way because I I just allowed things to happen not to say that I was 100% okay with school not working out and it wasn’t a bummer because in many ways it was but I moved past that move through that and thoughts okay what what can I do now what do I want to do I want to teach yoga I want to teach meditation I want surf I want to spend time on the beach I would like to do dance classes and I really really want to be a part of this organization and let every way that I can and we made it happen my friend’s name is yandere and she’s at our house Superwoman so a lot of the connections and West Africa came through her bikini is it there nice to have friends that’s what friends are for booking you on Amazing Adventures in elderly severe so what is that how does from what from what I understand you were on a trajectory of doing but what would you call it a kind of Orthodox medicine degree to be able to use that stuff is that still in the works or how does that affect that that life goal and my ultimate career goal is to be an osteopath so that’s why I would do the same things as a doctor but it’s a few more months of Hands-On training so that I can diagnose and treat with my hands so it’s more holistic and looking at the whole person then me not being in school during that time that I was in Europe in West Africa pushes through States up at least a year at this point because some other plans have changed but what was all so wonderful about that instead of going for credits just to increase like on The Bachelor level now I’m looking at getting my master’s degree in an exercise science so that I can have the prerequisites completed for medical school and now I have an additional degree and I’ll be able to be a way better yoga instructor with more information about how the Body Works in just whole body systems and more and more practice with that that’s what I love and I’m happy that I’ll be able to be at better practitioner and provider yeah I’ve always wish I had more time to well I guess I will say I’m looking forward to when I’m successful enough to wear certain certain responsibilities and precious in my life for our or minimize to where I can actually catch up to a lot of self-study that I wanted to do including anatomy and physiology and all the systems in and I was just fascinated in the the exposure that I had had in standard education I guess and certainly when it applies to healing in all of this super esoteric yoga guy actually have a book called esoteric systems of the body or something and esoteric anatomy of the body and it’s just I’m salivating too real to say two in it goes over all these esoteric traditions and but it has all these maps of the body in maps of different Energy Systems and I just can’t wait to see how they said the size it just so much beautiful scholarship and I would like to yeah I’d like to compare notes cuz you you move in that direction so is that something that you have already begun kind of studying on your own how would you say that like I’m curious if you could talk just about some of the things that excite you about that field some of the things that you’ve already discovered there and absolutely and before we get into that book sounds super yummy and I definitely want to have a good title of it again in the author so that I can get my hands on that and we will certainly pick up rhino but now that I’ve taken you years off of formal education in a university setting I am turning to my notorious and I trainers and teachers and really asking questions about okay when I do when you told me to do this particular movement on the pole where is that coming from to understand that it’s not just my ankle that’s attaching to this large metal rod it’s I’m the movements coming from my head been so when and how to stop move or shift my my abdomen and my shoulders like what positioning do I need to be internally make V to get the quality of the movement’s correct so that I can be safe and also look pretty while I’m doing it so to have a deeper understanding and a physical level is right now the intention that I’m holding when I go into my practice in my training so that I can not only do this well but I’ll be able to teach her that at a certain point unlevel so really leaning into the support that I have been doing as much as I can turn a too much for the others and dial-in on my health practices I I’m trying to consume as much as I can on my own and with the help of me awesome well me and all of the community here at Township on podcasts will be your Study Buddies cuz this is so stiff for everybody wants to up level the stuff and I actually this it makes me think a lot about the difference between more traditional modes of teaching a martial arts and Healing Arts and sexual Arts it’s it’s like they used to be understanding by students that there would be riddles and mysticism and levels of knowledge and you couldn’t just show up to meet up for free or for five bucks and just start picking the brain of the master pack all of their secrets and if they don’t give it to you in a timely manner you’re going to get him a bad Yelp review and so I feel like God now if ever teach anything I have to be armed with so much Western Scientific backup knowledge because people will want to interrogate you and know what if this interests but from a personal level I would say that most of my students have been very very humble and very very they’re interested they want to know where I get my information from for sure I mean some of them do others are just I can help me get into this meditative state so that I can go to sleep that’s all I want but I actually really enjoy the ones who are challenging me and they want more information and they want me to like be on my game and I’m young and there’s only so much knowledge that I contain in this vessel at this point so sometimes it’s the journey where we learn together and all that you know I might not know this now but I’ll look it up and then I’ll send him a message later and we’ll talk about it in the next class and that encourages me to see where my edges are Beyond it and have only had a couple I have had some private students but they were also my friends who were giving me a really more of a hard time about back to the scientific studies that they wanted proof about certain things I couldn’t give a solid example but yeah I’ve had to take deep breaths and okay well this is what I know at this point and we’re going to do this practice together and it’ll be as good as I can be in as good as we can be together and it’ll continue to get better but for now we both need a little bit of patience challenging well I appreciate your approach to that night I can often feel the same the same way that it’s it’s a it’s an artificial I just feel like there’s thanks to you the capitalist system that has broken himself into pieces we don’t have a way of learning we have opportunities to learn this important kind of fun public knowledge a lot of it would have been very public knowledge and a lot of I mean just imagine if everybody if you’ll go was if it was a yoga studio at every playground for recess and that that was part of a routine and so the cultures where meditation and mindfulness and spiritual practices that were I guess you could say more embodied than just sitting still and listening to someone yell at you or something more of those worn by the practices since they’re so lacking people are or seeking it out and discovering it later in life or maybe having only limited access and what not so it makes sense that I mean it gets the tragedy is that you as a as a certified instructor as someone who is basically gone through a sort of whatever however many hours of a crash course or bootcamp to digest the mythologies and the the Arts and Sciences of so many different competing modalities so many different conflicting modalities and to kind of trying to create these these humble and Valiant yet Valiant attempts to tube to package this material and take for us to individually transmitted to other people it’s a lot to ask and in certainly the older you get the more experience and and and I guess in some cases appropriate kind of seniority you would have in a meritocracy of life experience knowledge but but I do I do like your approach to softening that interrogator vibe in that way of saying let’s learn together because really we should have all learn together and a healthy way and and it gives me gives me some hope I’ve been are very interested to see how you been evolving and so yeah some of the things that we had Vibe down before was the sexuality education the sexual health and and wellness and also psychedelics sexual shamanic therapy treatments and all that good stuff but I spent some interesting developments in the end of General feel that I’m just curious where you’re where you’re at with all that stuff because that was something that we rushed upon as well yeah we did we did talk about that when we when we might but as far as recent developments I’ve been knot on top of what has been happening in the Psychedelic science field lately my focus has been in other direction but what’s happened but what can you tell us about that then I can give my opinion so much love and affection for Rick doblin of the multidisciplinary association of psychedelic studies maps the biggest non-profit pharmaceutical drug development company that’s really ever existed in that continues to just blow my mind with their integrity and their their duty of care rather than take an approach wear your pants during the government to release all restrictions on administering these these compounds to the masses however over the counter or through prescription rather than having that that huge liability and risk it it’s that there’s another way to do it which I had not considered in which they are totally dialing in right now and it makes so much sense and what that is is that rather than having an individual who is who who is in need of the therapeutic value of this of these medicines rather than having them take dosages in like a baggie with their little vial of their little canister and take that and then go out into the insanity of chaos of their existing home life and the existing world then that the idea is that the legal space for the for the administering and for the consumption of the medicine is in a is in a therapeutic context in a clinical setting that is conducted by trained facilitators who may or may not have various medical or academic therapeutic sort of state license credentials but who have at least done with maps is created which is their own custom curriculum for providers of various types types of back and then there’s a line out the door for people who want to get training to train who want to be the trainers if they want to train trainers and they want trainers to be able to go out and create clinics all over the place so that when they get the through the final phases of proving that for one MDMA is safe under certain conditions within certain dosage ranges and then say that but it’s not going to just be mass-marketed and cranked out on conveyor belts and that the drug store is going to be to have access to this medicine in a legal manner you will have to have it be it’ll be in a circumstance where your facilitator doctor therapist Shaman excetra invites you to a space where there are certain medical and procedural practices or protocols being observed very very strictly and then you receive the dosage and that’s putting an only in that setting you’re not giving more to take home and follow up and take two and call me in the morning so contain the containing that risk is so profound to me because that is what I believe is the appropriate way a ceremonial weigh-in modern clinical ceremony away if you will they’re doing their best to bring in the ceremonial and ritualistic element is best they can make they don’t have to do this in a hospital they can create their own clinics in that clinic Canby sacred geometry it can be modeled as it competes should have Ford Explorer texting water and see what I see you to bring the Shivering so that I think that kind of expresses my you know where it would I do so much more so many other amazing doors that have open for them and doors that they thought would have been slamming their face Network gently open to their shoes surprised and so I just encourage anybody to follow up listen to the research Rick doblin on psychedelic Salon podcast in and catch up to to his work but I feel like he is the exception of Bilbo Baggins see if it looks like a hobbit I just can’t get over it and he’s made it through all these years and hasn’t been embroiled in Scandal or controversy and you know I’ve I just think he’s a rare a rare as I don’t know him personally but I will say that Tim Might you know he’s going to benefit me and my colleagues and my fellow survivors and so I think that’s just really interesting and something that you’ve you might consider you know looking into at some point how because I guess I should say one more thing is that this training for specifically for my cats are male female double counselor or dynamic of being at NADA guide per se but being a sort of facilitator for for a treatment I study subject or a client as it were to to have a beautiful experience that is balanced by a masculine feminine energies and if those people are are trained in these certain protocols they developed but that once you have that training done then you were then free to riff off and create your own style to verdigre and also it will be very easy to extrapolate to other medicines other compounds and it’s it’s the container that they’re creating so with all I said I love to hear from you how you feel about what I said in and what comes to the to the surface and for you to react to yeah I really look that and Maps the multidisciplinary association for psychedelic studies is so near and dear to my heart. And mrs. Mason person I’ve only been passing but being around him and hearing how he has affected and touched so many lives and every beautiful positive way gives me so much respect for the work that he and his colleagues and everyone that has to do with our organization similar ones gives them so many pops and I really really appreciative for the work that they’re doing because some people have a sense of understanding of what these compounds are capable of as far as the benefit but now that there is not scientific backing of okay he’s this makes you feel better a week down the line because of this mechanism of action that happens within your system in your body that’s amazing that this is now proven like the proof is in the pudding and that pudding is being offered and it really important container and contacts as you were mentioning it really does just take one bad incident one person said I did this awful thing while I was on she said but while I was under the influence of psilocybin for the government to decide okay well now that’s not going on the road to perhaps legalizing it exciting but obviously it’s bad so we’re not going to and the way that Max is doing it and creating these safe spaces in containers and vetting process to make sure that the set and setting are all in line. They have their ducks in a row to then administer and go through the therapeutic process makes it so that we can understand what’s happening on a scientific level and get the benefits on that personal level and the people that their training I I I one day be able to experience this extensive training so that I may also be able to offer myself and not be as helpful as I can be in in this way because not only are they impacting the people that they encounter what’s in these clinical settings but they’re forever positively alternative I I did send a training so that I would be pure support and just be there for someone who is having any sort of difficult psychological and maybe even physical experience and Ice Festival setting but going beyond that I learned to just be there for people when they’re having something that’s challenging and the way that you talk to someone when they’re experiencing something that can be really difficult will make or break the moment and we don’t have to have trips that are just really horrible and bad and make us afraid of it because there’s a way to know strutting around it with that love and support and having an experienced person there to let you guys jerk you’re tripping understand whatever it is that you need to go through Southern even taking that knowledge outside of a psychedelic experience but with loss and with trauma were just having a bad day you don’t need someone to tell you what to do necessarily but just be there and that makes me really big difference so I learned some awesome life skills through an organization. Maps has created and I’ve learned a lot from maps and not to see what amazing things they’re doing is super cool right on so how do you feel evvie great to hear how you feel about where you where you want to what time will somebody said to me once find what breaks your heart the most and that’s your life purpose to devote yourself to be teach it to do to be in service so I’m curious now if you were travels have have fun how they’ve added to revolve your your sense of purpose in your sense of where you want to be what you want to be doing and where and how and why I’m sure you’ve had some it’s about dates to just your your whole meta-narrative whole framework of reality today really embracing the things that have totally gutted me is what I’ve been living through this month I’m going to be absolutely Frank and give a trigger warning because what I’m going to talk about has to do with sexual assault and Trauma but first blanket statement my trip was wonderful and beautiful in many ways and what happened at the end doesn’t detract from anything that was beneficial or amazing and I still continue to travel and do what I did but my second time around in Lisbon I was I entered into an agreement with someone who is a stranger but a friend of someone I trusted a friend of a friend so as we’re talkin meeting for the first time and learn that needs a massage therapist being a yoga instructor and Super Active I’m like all right what you give massage Let’s do an exchange I haven’t had a massage and a very long time I can totally sit so the time comes for his part of the exchange to happen and I’m receiving this massage and just loving the nice touches and I get into a nice meditative a sweetheart just like vibrating state of enjoyment like not even on this plane and what ends up happening is I get sexually assaulted and moving through that and just having my whole world shaking it was like I was a Snowman in this snow globe in all of this all of the snow off the bottom had been settled things were really chill it was fine I felt like I was in a good place and when that happened that Globe was shaken up and after I was assaulted I immediately felt with my throat get sore and like I started getting really bad head congestion and the physical manifestation of what just happened to me on a physical psychological spiritual level was wholly apparent in my mind and my body at without me really being able to saying like this is how I feel right now because of this some of that came up but it was like I was transported back to the processing level that I was at maybe when I was early twenties was a teenager even I was so out of my body and out of my element in a country where I didn’t speak the language and it was super hard that was I was off my I was off-balance felt horrible and I was just I felt like I was doing so much on my own and I didn’t really have anyone to turn to for support and even when I was talking to my mom about it or my family about it or some friends some people were good at just being a bit like sitting there with it and holding space and letting me processor letting me talk about it I needed and not telling you what to do not telling me how I should feel that just letting me move through it and kind of figure out this trip experience on my own but most of the time it was well you shouldn’t have been in the room with a stranger or as soon as this happened you should have done this or I would have done this or now you need to do X Y and Z like that’s it’s coming from a positive Place most of the time but it wasn’t helpful as I continue to feel better from it and have more Lucidity towards what happened in my emotions and my processing and recognizing that it was actually normal for me to have a day where I just wanted to be in bed and like randomly cry and not want to talk to strangers or wear sweaters when it’s hot outside I just don’t want my body exposed that’s a normal response to an abnormal situation and as I’m thinking what what would I have wanted the people around me to do for me what did I need what how how could if I was a friend how would I support her or him then that went through this experience what can I do better and we don’t I I really only know how to be there for someone who’s been assaulted and been through this trauma because I have and really the training that I received from xando the organization that’s where that part of maps to sit with someone and not guy not tell them what to do but just let them process and figure it out in the support of space I like learned that and I had to be taught that in a different kind of contacts to be there for someone who has been assaulted and we need more of this Hunter training that will help us be a better friend better advocated better cursing in relation to anyone who has been through this and cousin when it comes to a medical contacts that guy I am doing my best to be much more sensitive and much more caring so that I can not be an imposing figure out where someone who’s telling someone how they need to handle their life but just we we all have this innate deep wisdom into what we need to move through things and survive sometimes we need someone to say you got it you know what to do I’ll be here for you you’re not going to fall and if you trip I’ll help you get off it’s okay so with that learning in that understanding a bit more of an understanding its myself and what I needed I am there’s there’s something that certainly and development in love or text you create a container or more a different kind of sensitivity training that isn’t just for it professionals and certain contacts but for anyone who wants to be I support not sure what that looks like 100% but something has got to come out of this something good absolutely will one of the most dramatic results that I experienced at a very tender age was luckily I mean I was running screaming crying spitting gagging I’m glad to be alive but totally in shock and and just devastated and I ran for I don’t know a couple of miles it had to be at least two to go to where I thought I would find the one the one member of my street family gutter Punk tribe who is my the want the the the woman who I was so enamored with and who I will do I beg to take my virginity and and she was just my my queen goddess protector very thin how lucky I was that I found her and that she was there and she just let me curl up on her lap and and cry and like everybody else on the street had been through it and people would walk by and just be like oh yeah your cherry pop welcome to the life you know who you are you know and so and I you know I heard it was interesting just looking back at the the response of those of those folks and just kind of having my flashbacks you know a bit here in in and I would say that it was a blessing coz she she was just a spare changing where I thought you would be on the sidewalk and she just went up she just I was there curled up crying and just kind of nestle into her and she continue to we just were there until very late and we’re just doing what we used to doing what you do what you was doing and luckily she had a place that she was staying so she could have bring me there and let me take a shower and have me lay down and and seal from that point from the extreme of being literally having my life threatened and and being assaulted that’s a combination that is is extra debilitating the to go from being totally spleen out like that with the you know sort of near-death sexual assault experience surviving it escaping finding her and then being in her care for at least that night and those critical hours were I don’t know I don’t know if you know like if I would have gone straight into a squad car or something or straighten to email into it or just not had found her if she wasn’t there I would have gone so much further down into I can’t even imagine it from that cuz I was one of the first and most extreme circumstances I don’t know what is right for you and I don’t know what the most healing or best most appropriate thing is he for you now in this moment or you know there’s no judgment or no would have should have could have hindsight 20-20 I can just say what what what I’ve appreciate about what was helpful for me and how lucky I felt knowing that I guess relative to other people or other conditions where you know I would if I had woken up in a hospital and didn’t even barely remember what happened in only bits and pieces came back over time you notice all kinds of different scenario so I just want to I guess in this moment say thank you to the Angelic spirits that created the synchronicity so that my the pendulum from extreme trauma went to a pendulum of Me Bonding and getting closer with somebody who I feel most comfortable with and who I who could make it possible for me to in a way not hate myself forever and just be like yeah you know what there’s no escaping it there’s you or it was bound to happen and you’re lucky to be alive and we’re here for you and now now you’ll just have to be that much more Street Smart yeah I should have known better why didn’t I do this you know and then and then the and I had already been a martial artists and I’d already been in that was the it’s even more devastating when you think you’re a badass and you like yeah I know all my moves everything but then all it takes is someone to just let you be slightly relaxed and be within your your your inner Zone and then if they’re really have like 50 times as much muscular strength as you there’s not much that you can do no matter how much of a ninja you you tried to be and that that’s probably the biggest hardest thing is to like forget for me forgiving myself for being lured into a defenseless State okay well what if I wasn’t here to be a ring fighter a cage fighter I was here to be a sexual shamanic fight and that I had to have that that knock out that technical knockout had to happen for me to to redouble my efforts into know why I’m here what I would have to know their know their weaknesses and their pattern if I’m at war with this greater monsters entity that is the The Intergalactic Spirit of sexual abusers that is all about animated into some multi-headed monster well I’ve got to expect that that it’s going to knock me down a few times before I knock it down and so in that sense if it was the battle but not the war in it and in it and now all of the battles that I lost Stephanie now is that I feel like yeah you were low-level like a larval demonic perpetrators who who who took cheap shots at me when I was barely developed at all like there’s no sport there there’s no dignity for you there now when we go into the bigger Arena the triumphant attitude and vibe that I want to have it puts in a context of like will coup if you were a spider and you and you really got embarrassingly knocked out like in 2 seconds when the first punch in the ring and everyone laughed at you and it was the most shameful and images demoralizing thing you if if you didn’t notice till I get up and fight and win that round but if you quit your career and you walked off and you spent all your you know you if you built up so much of your life to be a career fighter and you just like fold after one loss then that would be the real tragedy but as long as you take that experience and you learn from it and you and you really study the mistakes and you really look at animals saying this to you like I’m not being paternalistic to you but I’m saying like a zit a sexual shamanic spiritual Warrior that’s what I’d the archetype I’m trying to build here let it go let it we let us all have nothing but winning streaks just because I had the shameful embarrassing sexual exploitation kind of Journey with being a warrior that doesn’t mean that I’m it actually is is is life-affirming and invigorating and I believe that we will we will be assembling teams that will make safety and numbers more more of an established more common kind of Paradigm where we just I mean I’ve even joke let’s just what I would love to just walk back to back for the rest of my life with and with other even it’s like two people you could be walking crab legging back-to-back everywhere you go to the SIP to the mall to the store you know to get on the bus to get anywhere just that level of a vigilance will be what my heart craves and then in a group of people you could all be shoulder-to-shoulder and walking in a circle and just linking arms and slowly moving to this treacherous reality and and I would love to have that that level of full-time Vigilant 24-hour rotating watches total perimeter Security on a rape freezone but right now we’re just going to win a world where if you were just in our loan bodysuits and we’re really for its everything is left to chance and Mercy by those who are willing to do to cheat yeah so I don’t know how you feel and there’s no obligation to respond and I just wanted to share with you what what I at this moment would I have what I feel is the most done revitalizing in in NC refund invigorating as this this work on full of so thank you for acknowledging what I had and we’re also sharing your own experience and I hate that that happened to you and that it happens to people and these creditors feel they can get away with certain things and they know that they can because he do live in a society that is permissive to a lot of behaviors and a lot of things are just so underground that I think they like it’s so outside of everything around for many people that they don’t even believe this these types of experiences that we experienced happen or they find a way to to blame the Survivor because that just makes it make more sense to them like I don’t know it couldn’t have been this other person’s fault but it does and I I wish we could all be so hyper-vigilant for each other that this would eradicate all of me demonic slugs how you speak of but what has been super powerful for me healing and tough as well as speaking about it talking about it letting if I’ve taken a few weeks off of my Instagram social media because things have been not very easy another ways my grandmother passed away but I had the next day after it happened happened on October 23rd and so on October 24th I just wrote it all out and I let it be something that I opened the floor to questions into dialogue and it’s so much more powerful for me this time around because I have been able to control the narrative I have been able to control what I’m putting out in the world in this in this way I was violated but now it’s up to me to shift things in a direction where I have some control again because this hardest thing about this assault wasn’t the violating act in and of itself it was feeling so alone like after I kind of I wasn’t I didn’t outright tell my buddy who’s friend had assaulted me like your friend assaulted me but I said yeah he made me really uncomfortable and appropriate your friends and asshole and I’m going to leave for a while so I went and took myself to dinner and I came back to an empty apartment and I didn’t see him until the following evening I’m already in a country where I’m alone and I wasn’t expecting to we’re we’re not romantic with each other at all or just friends but I wasn’t expecting to not have a friend not have anyone there like he doesn’t have any necessary operation to me but it was really hard and I wasn’t until many many many days after the assault happened that I was able to snuggle up to a person I felt comfortable with just being and cry and let myself be sad and but myself start to emotionally process this because after it happened it was just kind of like Warrior mode and okay I let my defenses down I thought I could trust someone out and now I have to just be as hyper Vigilant as I can on my own because I’m on my own for weeks now it’s just up to me and what this brings to mind is I read it fucking High School part of the trilogy by KISS Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Guardian Salter and list of characters such a warrior amazing badass and she takes her revenge in a way that’s also why I finally beautiful brutal and not that that’s what I want to do I wear that’s what I feel I need to feel any sort of Vengeance but it’s me now taking charge of the narrative while letting people know that you can I’ve been an athlete my whole life I’m a strong person pretty emotionally strong I have traveled around the world for the most part really safely and intelligently just doing things on my own but it still happened and you can be really tough and really smart and your defenses go down and words someone abuses whatever crack say find in your armor and it happens it doesn’t it doesn’t say anything about you as a person that doesn’t mean you’re weak doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough it doesn’t mean you’re stupid it just means that this person isn’t a squirrel and they took advantage and they did something that is written wrong and it’s so sad and horrible at this happens it’s something that happened and I think that I didn’t even to talk about it put it out that way and I know because people have have talked to me after I was just really open about it and saying that I don’t feel like I have to beat myself at 4 having that last drink with someone that I felt that was my friend and then getting assaulted by them it wasn’t my fault this person did this to me it wasn’t my fault that I was in this area with I’m protected in some way it’s a set of circumstances that led to this horrible event but this. Other person the person who acted on me made the decision not me the victims not to blame and that’s something that I’m really just trying to emphasize with people who were like I certainly had mostly mostly men say you should have fought him off you should have screamed you shouldn’t have been there in the first place and it’s just repetitive if you can’t equate what happened to me because it was a situation where maybe you would have felt sexually charged being in a room by yourself with a woman you can’t make someone compared me to or compare the situation truck by like if I leave my bike on a busy Corner unlocked and someone takes it like that’s my fault so you being in a room with someone where you’re getting a massage and he’s a man or a woman you sent it is you putting on steak out on the table for a hungry dog like of course this happens like no you when you’re a professional you don’t go into this profession to assault people hopefully you going through it to heal people and if you’re claiming that you’re a Healer and doing something that’s the office that you’re a bad person and it’s not your clients fault that you’re a Apple I think that out of that and hoping to shine a different kind of night on this thing that happened to me I hope has been helpful in some way to other people because at least been helpful for me I’m glad you have a positive attitude and everything you say I’m totally aligned with in some days are easier than others today is a good day yeah I guess I would ask if you comfortable sharing since the the the date of the incident how would you describe the just the like as if you were mine you know I guess what I’m going to I’m wondering is the emotive expressive did you feel like you wanted to do something cathartic in a form of art or expression or did you if you felt like a total void in your creativity or how has how has the more subconscious send more energetic flow and effects been just cuz I feel like that’s doesn’t everybody wants to fix the problem specially man you know they want to get it over with or did you go to treatment are you in therapy now you know who are you dating again whatever and it’s like that’s on the surface of what you think about this order from the cerebral like I want to feel more expensive what coping strategies that you have developed on an energetic level or just you know how your dreams how are your how do you how are you sleeping to the colors of like seem to ebenflow from grayscale you know there’s just the more you poetry of surviving an experience to those are the things those are the guess the neglected aspects of the Arc of violence is like the those unknown language bull currents that that are flowing deeply so I don’t know if you can put words to that or maybe you will put song to that or dancer expressive movement or something to spend the most healing for me has been r y favorite mode is with the written language I write a lot I create a tree and I have investigated my mind and my heart and my spirit and my soul and my past present and future with word reading it for myself I had a cleansing ritual this past weekend where I wrote all nine different pieces of paper something that was holding me past that I wanted to let go of and from letting go what what I want to welcome in something in the present that was not serving that I wanted to release and welcomed something in its place and something that an image of the future that was pervasive in my mind that I wanted to release and replace with something different and it was a day where it was raining gray I had been feeling really bad that we can do is just a depressed not feeling productive for positive about the Future III all type of week now and I wrote These nine different things from three different time Ingles and I have a metal offend I put frankincense and copal resin and I let each paper away fire from The Stick of Palo Santo after I read it out loud and I dropped it in and I did that nine times until I was through with my stack of paper when I let it burn and I stood in this amazingly scented smoke and just let it swirl around me until it wasn’t that it was a smoking so much anymore and I put it out to Washed by the rain and I just stood there I felt like I was letting go of some of the things that we’re really holding me back and I as much meditation as I can do it as much time as I can spend on my yoga mat I was still getting these Cyclospora palliative thoughts of things that were harmful and things that would come up in dreams that were scary and I had the chance to face it speak out loud say it is no longer welcome here not replacing it the things that are positive and from that point forward I have felt a burden lifted and a light in my life shining that has been missing since this happened and also feeling like it sucks to not have someone who I can really turn to on a on a person-to-person level III not to say that I haven’t had friends who are being fully supportive because I have butt not someone that I feel really gets it and it was something we’re finally felt okay I didn’t feel like I was broken or damaged for not having that and I could be a support to Myself lyrics and I could State myself and enjoying my body for the sake of bringing about pleasure and I could and and I hadn’t danced in a while I think yeah I’ve been pretty sporadic that I had really been embodied in movement and all this week has been back in the studio feeling like I can’t get in my body again in a way that’s awesome Tech and not shaking from something scary that happened but just like okay I’m coming back so I have been welcoming myself back with movement and I released everything with word and I’m looking forward to seeing what else I can create what else will come from this what else someone might be inspired to bring forth through this all right I love collaborations and experiments and just exploring these beautiful artistic Realms with others and I’m sure that I will love what comes from this wise words so often you hear the trait kind of Silver Lining glass half-full kiss kind of from nuages and Isabel positive thinking and informations and appreciate the sincerity in in the way that you feel the way that you have it’s it’s it’s a very deep and Redemptive where do you express this in I want to applaud you for having this I hope you can applied yourself for having been that it’s it’s basic knowledge that what your what your your level of clarity and level of purposefulness and and healthy response I is it’s weird because the temptation to cool and sink deep into an abyss that’s that’s really how they beat us you know that’s really what they want and if we stand up to the after effects and we don’t fold in and I keep telling myself on my dude don’t let this triggering moment crush you like a tin can and and if you just don’t let anything crush you like a tin can you you help other people there’s so many canned responses to on all sides of these events in whether they are often ways to just hide from deeper truths or to avoid through formalities just avoid a deeper responsibility of care and I would say that what I pray for for all of us and all the survivors in the past and future survivors that will be is that the culture that will the human culture gets to a point where we we have Survivor leave from work from school from all of their duties that we have do we have families and parents have budget set aside for if these things happen so that a buffer can be created from any financial responsibility for any any give me the time that it takes I I just all I care about for myself as like I would consider a high level of success and wealth just to just to be able to press a button hypothetical button or a magical imaginary button when I need it’s like okay no one needs to know exactly what I’m going through in this moment but it could take a few days or a few weeks or a few months I don’t know but I want to always be able to put everybody and everything on on a on an elegant pause An Elegant hold and don’t worry about me I’m not going to kill myself I just want to go on to cannabis, and meta bait alone somewhere and in the worst thing is is it to me the worst thing is that Guillotine always coming down on my head of when the bills are due how much money is available to me and so is his chronic that hamster wheel ism is it safe to have sex with your sexual abuse trauma Survivor is like you’re on a hamster wheel of razor blades you know it’s it’s not pleasant and it’s not easy to go through the motions of traffic and stress and workload it’s all mostly bulshit anyway you know what I mean even if it’s for a good cause it’s still so wrapped up in 8 hour work days and deadlines and being on your you know responding to emails in like no one wants to get an auto reply that says PTSD meltdown see you whenever by and I certainly haven’t been able to only a few cases only a few chapters in my life have I been blessed to be able to actually sink into the Stillness to actually retrieve the Stihl Parts cuz they’re just right there you know but you’ll never will never be able to slow down enough I mean I don’t want to say the never hear it the way that they’ve rigged this whole reality is it like oh you got you were bolitas and you were bullied and on the playground or well you’ll never have time to actually deeply consider how that affects you because she hears the next thing to do on your to-do list on your pile of things to do at your desk with her to school or work or whatever or you or or becoming a parent and just seeing that I know parents who were trying to recover from all kinds of abuse and Trauma and and it’s beautiful that they have this vicarious Joy A New Hope full refreshing view of a potential for a more safe and Morris Saints I’d life for people care in her present but even that is still takes they still need a vacation to be able to really sink in and it just has hamster wheel Rat Race even if you’re not aspiring to be the most richest most famous most Fast Company fast money entrepreneur and you just are going kind of with the flow that flow is not designed to give us any real deep space time abundance to two kind of connect a bunch of dots and rinses reflects so I just been praying that what if we don’t single-handedly wipe out all demonic parasitic sex demons on Earth in our lifetime that it very least we change the Paradigm of people knowing that okay this this this disgusting disease perversion of mostly male Egos and male sexual sexuality is is not going to go away maybe not go away really anytime soon but our cultural adaptive strategies to it existing can be a lot more intelligent and they can be a lot more and it can be precluded to mean the way that we the way that we can quarantine Ebola we can quarantine this as a culture but it takes it takes a way more in enlightened approach to what we’re going to need to do to to not only prevent possible circumstances and I even would say that something that this is not a game this is about by no means to to for either of us as survivors or to anyone else who are survivors if it’s not too along that line of thinking of of like you’re saying about well that the cliche is asking for it by whatever means that by whatever measure but what I would say is that I would say we are all asking for it when we do not create social sexual containers were there are there are referees for overseeing all every single sexual act that happens between two people because this Cult of private and idea that who’s in order to enter if I want to have sex with this woman I can’t let her know that and some appropriate sort of dance of a way I have to intoxicate her kind of push her into the night late at night so I know when the buses stop running I know when she’s going to have to rely on me for a ride wherever I’m going and it’s like that is the whole modus operandi is that people are not comfortable being sexual in groups therefore they lose the buddy system when when they get aroused and it’s like no you need the buddy system more in bed than you do crossing the fucking Street everybody that we need to be able to say oh yeah naked stuff sure butts grabbed 10 people to hang out and enjoy it with us and then you will be 10 million times less inclined to see what you can get away with because no one can hear the screams or no wonder we’re too far away from you know the light or whatever those those files circumstances are that these that these mostly men are there rape artists and II when I first heard that term I was shocked and mortified and Intrigue they don’t know what they don’t know about how sweeter and better and more gratifying it is to actually earn the affection that you still desire and earn the the the touch that you would like to have or that you would like to share with someone else so it’s going to be a long road ahead for sure and and I’ve got your back and I’m glad that others do and I will say that those are the best and kindest words and most invigorating words that I can come up with an LSA that at this point in our conversation I want to give it back to you to share all of the thoughts and feelings that you feel called too and to also please do if you’d like to share some just words directed at our listeners who will be looking to engage with your work and connect with you online and enough so hopefully offer support and various ways to your ongoing projects and interview going through these These Times of healing and yeah oh you it is it is all you know where some share and hearing I’ve got your back is powerful and invigorating an absolutely kind listening really hot outside what you have gained from this as positive I know it was it was probably pretty tough to hear some of it for many of you and thank you for I can threaten listening I I can turn out no matter what it is your experience think you’re not alone if you want to reach out to me at any time I am accessible yet my social channels on Instagram I’ve got an email on my website and and if you want to throw this up somewhere where your listeners can take away those magical channels please that would be great I am performing around Los Angeles for the next few months until I complete my next. So that I can come back and teach people to teach other people continue to spread this wonderful yummy yogurt business and I’ll be hosting several workshops in the coming months so throw that up on Instagram when dates are finalized but I’m super excited about it and I hope that you are too because it high going to be as authentic as I can make it and really becoming more fully embodied with whatever it is we’re experiencing and yeah I’m I’m here for you I need some of you see this I look forward to it be awesome shoot me a line and I thank you again for having me back thank you yes always welcome anytime and wishing you absolutely the best for you homecoming adventures and now I hope our iPads cross and lsbn touch the name of the book that I mentioned earlier esoteric anatomy of the body is consciousness by Bruce Berger so now more than ever I feel compelled to redouble my studies and my understanding of how to how to move blockages and move yeah move move foreign objects that get lodged in our energy field through these whether they were I’m just getting a visual right now that I guess I want to I want to throw in at the very end of here I’m seeing now like a medical kind of schematic drawing that shows how when it could even be just sexual harassment verbally it’s just like when when an attack or assault happens to to a person’s energy field it’s it’s like there is a a wound surface abrasion it can be just like you know affecting the astral body in a similar way is that they have you no First Responders would know okay is it a burn is an abrasion is it a contusion is it a puncture is it an impalement and these are all terms you know you learn what tools to apply in a first aid situation and to identify them and in all cases if there is a breaching of the outer barrier of the skin the protective layer that key sir organs in our blood and all of our precious vulnerable cellular material however the breach occurs whatever the nature of the breach is it becomes a moment of opportunity for opportunistic organisms to infect that that area and so when I think about the emotional body that he has to about the delicate sexual body the these levels of our being set when when when we get wounded in these ways it’s an opportunity a tragic opportunity for dormant dormant material dormant pathogenic material in other parts of our astral body to sniff that out and to go and try to reactivate themselves it’s an opportunity for just whatever was in the room at the time to jump in I’m bored and to be a stowaway on your ship of your being and there is the introduction of exactly what was a particulate matter of the perpetrator themselves and that can be transmitted to sound waves from their words the creepiness the there’s multiple different categories of infectious material that opportunistically takes advantage of these the weakening of that of of the immune system of our of our total of all these levels are being so I feel like the the duty that we have talking about healing talking about psychedelics talking about orgasm talking about touch and movement as it’s it’s what we’re constantly doing is fighting off these infections and some of them are deeply lives with us and get get stirred up by new trama and some of them are just all around us all the time circling all of us on the subway and on the dance floor and it’s at the bar and say the the Heart and souls of the work that were talking about it were hoping to exude I believe is that were going to just create more and more robust and resilient systems that can be ever purified and will purify the culture and purify ourselves and you know will come back and be reincarnated and do this again and again and again and and just create those light tendrils and let them be less hindered and let the harmonies of our yeah what the harmonies really be sweet and and and beautiful and let this this really vile ugliness kind of get more quarantined in eventually composted yeah absolutely alright then where you have a wonderful night and then just want to put it out there feel free to Lean on Me call text last Christ high fives you’ll be hearing from me all right you have a wonderful deep restful nursing sleep then is going to be late so have a good night thank you for listening to the touch of Time Podcast please go to www.crunch.com and cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition of sustaining and improving the podcast your donations will help establish permaculture goddess Temple after bite ecological employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 818-275-1593 or email band at Tantra Punk. Com Thomas Day