Best Practices for Male Sexual Healers with Charlie Glickman PhD TPP108

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Charlie Glickman picIn this episode I’m blessed to be joined by Charlie Glickman, an acclaimed sexuality educator, sexual healer, and much more. His insights into both the glory and peril of sexual healing are at times heart warming and at times deeply chilling. Of all the conversations I’ve had on and off the podcast about these issues, this is one of the most raw and real.  He graciously holds space for me to vent and seek his guidance and offers an exemplary demonstration of how he’s able to be a masterful healer of healers and a teacher of teachers.

About Charlie:

Charlie Glickman PhD is a sex & relationship coach, a certified sexuality educator, and an internationally-acclaimed speaker. He’s certified as a sexological bodyworker and has been working in this field for over 20 years. His areas of focus include sex & shame, sex-positivity, queer issues, masculinity & gender, communities of erotic affiliation, and many sexual & relationship practices. Charlie is also the co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners. Find out more about him on his website or on Twitter and Facebook. For Charlie’s sex coaching services, visit Make Sex Easy.

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Tantra Punk your guide to sexual Liberation healing and empowerment as a certified Tantra counselor and certified permaculture designer I’m here to help you grow spiritually sexually and ecologically my online and in-person counseling sessions and training programs are price to fit any budget I’m looking forward to helping you design and ever more Divine Life Path please send me an email to Ben at Tantra Punk. Com and our journey together will begin hello dear beloved welcome to Township Point podcast episode number 108 I’m very excited to be talking with Charlie Glickman he is a sex and relationship coach out of Seattle Washington and has an amazing blog I was checking on his website and seeing that to he also provides coaching services for sexuality Educators helping them to develop curricula and start your business and a whole lot more so I’m really excited that to know that there’s that kind of mentorship opportunity in the world and so looking forward to hearing all about it if you want to start a Charlie would you like to tell us about your personal life history and background that led up to your playing the roles that you play now in the sexuality education field I started off as a sex educator actually back in 1989 when I was in college I came out as queer and I started doing a campus Outreach LGBT Outreach for the other students and as a man doing this work especially in the years before we had any kind of treatment for HIV of course anytime I did an Outreach against somebody would ask me about safer sex or they would ask me about HIV so I figured okay I have to learn about this but when you are talking to people about safer sex well then you have to talk with them about a communication in negotiation and once you start doing that people start asking you how to give a better blow job or how do I tell my boyfriend how I want him to touch me and I realized with sexuality that everything is interconnected you really can’t just talk about one piece in isolation in for a number of years after that I worked volunteering at some different agencies in the San Francisco Bay Area I did say for sex Outreach I was a Rape Crisis counselor but it wasn’t until I got hired at goodbyes gracians which is be a premier women friendly sex positive toy store and I worked there for a number of years your while I was there I went back to grad school I thought I wanted to be a professor so I doubt a PhD in sex education and then realize that wasn’t what I wanted to do and when I left Good Vibrations in 2013 to go on tour for my book The Ultimate Guide to prostate pleasure that was when I stepped into coaching as a full-time thing you before that it had always been part of my work as an educator but that was when I stepped into it full-time and it’s been an amazing experience and I think a lot of my journey here I needed to grow into this I couldn’t have done this when I was younger now I’m not saying that other people can’t do it when they’re younger but for me on my trajectory I was 43 when I stepped into coaching so I’ve been a sex educator my entire adult life but the coaching is more recent and I find it incredibly fulfilling I I love helping individual couples polygroups learn how to overcome their sexual difficulties and I love knowing that right now at this very second somebody is having a better orgasm because of something that I taught them you know I and it makes me really happy to see how the field has grown in the last few years there when I started out you know in 1989 it was possible for one person to know everybody else in the field cuz there weren’t that many people and these days I meet people at conferences or workshops or when I travel and it’s amazing how many folks are doing this work in it and it’s about time because the world desperately needs healthy relationship to sexuality and this is one way how we we get there we are glad you like I guess it’s the last piece is that some of it for me is that I’m always exploring my own relationship to my sexuality and so working as a coach it gives me an additional motivation to take workshops or read books or do some research it’s it’s very much fuel my professional work is really fueled by my personal interests animals people in the field I think I could say the same thing about them yeah it’s very so diverse in its I guess it’s kind of like I was just at the auto shop with this family-owned auto shop that I’ve been going to for over 10 years and I asked him how do you guys keep up with all the changes in automobile automotive technology and they said we just luckily the guy YouTube now but you know they they just sort of figure it out so as all of the sexualities, Blossom and diversify into. Infinite forms it must be very exciting at to feel to have a professional budget to stay abreast with new identities and new practices and rediscovered ancient practices and it’s one of the challenges working in this field really anything having to do with sexuality is that we’ve lost so much information and it’ll be interesting to see what happens as the information age takes over but there have been sexologist and writers and researchers whose work has been destroyed and so we have to ReDiscover this over and over again and end so this is an interesting Arrow because we’re keeping this information in some ways more more thoroughly than we used to so is it what areas do you find most of Interest are you most passionate about I guess the prostate is one thing we can definitely go into cuz you just did that book but other brother are there areas that you feel that your top wheelhouse Shore kind of thing I do a lot of work with people who want to explore how to be more present in their bodies how to experience pleasure without dissociating or checking out how to tell a partner what they want me so much of my work is about how do I identify what you desire and how to talk about it with a partner so that you can get it again and it seems that seems like such an easy thing to say but I don’t know anybody in the world who hasn’t faced challenges with that at one point or another I also do a lot of work helping folks Explorer aspects of their sexuality that they didn’t know they were going to enjoy it so sometimes that might involve a G-spot clay or anal player prostate massage of those are some of my favorites because there are aspects of sexuality that people hear a lot about but they don’t necessarily know what to do and they’re also ways of having sex where a little information makes a huge difference in terms of your experience I love teaching people new ways to have orgasms read the last thing I’ve really been enjoying lately I have a workshop called somatic Sexual Healing where I take some of the somatic practice has been I’ve learned along the way and I adopted them to fit within the scope of practice that therapist use and so therapist can use them if their best can touch a client and they can do some of these exercises are therapists who choose not to can also died a couple through the exercise in and what I love about that is it’s one thing for me to tell you oh you know you should tell your partner how you want them to touch you it’s different when you have the experience of trying to put it into words and then talking about that and in real time so I love teaching therapist how to get better at supporting people sexualities it’s it’s long overdue I think absolutely and this is very important space to be developing in the policy and legality space to so do you have experience at all and I sort of political activism sensurround bringing more Consciousness and awareness around healing touch and professional full body healing what not fair it’s always a tricky dance because nobody workers are taught you know raping and looking away when the client is turning over and therapists are being told no touch at all and I understand the reasons for it but you know there’s therapist you won’t even shake their clients hands and we already live in such a touch phobic society that when you add that to it I think it creates even more disconnection the factor there is who is this touch for their what I’m doing somatic work with my clients to touch is for them not for me and I think that’s really the key to being clear in your ethics around it if it was this for what is the intention behind it if the intention behind an exercise is to satisfy my own desires well then that’s not ethical at all that’s not why my clients come to me but if the intention behind the touch is to help somebody learn something new about embodiment or learn something new about their erotic experience that’s a very different situation and I I would love to live in a world where more people understood the distinction between those two things well yeah I like the to recommend that people learn how to love themselves and others by trained professional lovers who that’s what they do all day everyday because they live up to your meme it seems like a no-brainer but we’re a long way from having sexual Arts be as is cherished and permitted is as martial arts but martial arts you know you sign a waiver that says you could be killed on professional who’s ethics are not always very clear either I actually think anybody who is doing Hands-On work would do well to take Betty Martin to work shop like a pro you can find it at Betty Martin. Org she is a sexological bodyworker and she has developed this amazing Workshop that helps practitioners understand how to be more clear in in the intention and I say that because I have heard too many stories from client students about teachers and practitioners who cross boundaries or push too fast or pressured somebody into doing something that they weren’t really ready for and that’s a real problem yeah so this is kind of a deep study of mine I’m in the process of developing a very novel practice and I have all of the the reaching out to mentors and elders and other practitioners that I’m kind of narrowed it down to just like a doctor wouldn’t want to be doing a breast exam without a nurse present you should you probably if you’re smart and you’re a man is mainly if your man you you should probably not want to be in a situation where there could ever be a possibility for a dispute or discrepancy and what was you know conducted the conduct and the agreements around the conduct and the response to feed back around what’s happening so we’re having very clear guidelines for the container of sexological Bodywork session all touch is one way from the practitioner to the client the practitioner stays fully clothed and other practitioner uses gloves for any genital or anal touch and and that also goes a long way towards making sure that the container is held really solidly because especially the one way Touch by touch and fully clothed that’s not something that works for all modalities that’s not going to work necessarily for country has for example but that’s another way that right yeah well thank you for that definitely is nice to know that there’s reference points for best practices and what would you say then are some qualities maybe some dye self diagnostics are things that people are aspiring to be on this path or maybe they already have a practice and they’re listening to this and they kind of aren’t aren’t first or or contracted with the sexual logical bodyworker at the Cole protocol let’s say where I mean I’ve I’ve read some of the benefits of that those documents and they’re very solid and very strict and you know to hold that title in to represent that training you have to really be an Integrity policy against for example if if people were to with or without formal training or certification want to be a friend or a lover or someone who is if they if they couldn’t afford that kind of work but they know that well this something really magical happens when you massage a G-spot or prostate for you no more than a few seconds really with a certain quality of attention and magical things can happen that are very healing and in if people start to discover that that is one of many experiences to be explored in a therapeutic contest against the question will be how how would internally what process should have should a provider kind of go through you know staying focused breathing is are there are there I guess who would you say is like a habits to get into mental habits and physical habits to to really solidly bill that that that container in that quality of it being one directional in it and like you said who is the touch for just maintaining that no discipline I think there’s a couple of things one is I think it’s absolutely true that lovers and partners can provide some incredible healing touch but I think it’s also important for people who are are coming from that lover space to not to not overextend what they can do and what I mean by that is that if you’re if you’re somebody’s lover you can definitely bring the nurturing healing touch to your partner but it’s not going to be the same thing as if they were working with a practitioner not not better or worse it’s just different and I say that because when you’re when you’re with somebody who you have a personal relationship with it’s really easy for things to get money because your own personal desires are going to start coming into play one of the things that happens as folks go through their training at least many trainings is learning to set your own erotic energy aside or maybe not erotic energy but your own erotic and needs aside so that you can be in service and it’s very it’s not impossible but it’s very difficult to come from a place of genuine service when you have that kind of personal connection with someone write your own agenda shows up so that’s one thing I think another thing is getting really clear on how you talk about things and how you communicate about things because you can only take somebody as far as you’ve gone yourself and something I have learned about sexual communication is that almost everybody thinks that they’re better at it than they actually are there’s times when I don’t tell my partner what I want or I go along with something that I’m not really a fully yes to because I don’t feel like getting into it with you everybody does that sometimes but really didn’t clear on your where where is your shadow and where is your motivation and am I coming you are you coming at this experience because of some of your own shadow and it’s funny because your people often say that money changes everything and it gets in the way I got to say when I started working as a practitioner and getting paid to do some of this it actually made my personal relationships much cleaner because I was able to see the distinction between the equal exchange of lovers which is different from the equal exchange of practitioner client and if you’re my client all of my focus is on you it’s not about what I want is not about what I need if I need to get some emotional support around my experience I take that to one of my colleagues I’m because getting paid makes a clear Container makes for a clear boundary in a personal relationship it’s really easy to tell somebody oh you know I want to do this thing because I want to take care of you but there might also be a motivation in there of I want to get laid or I’m feeling lonely and I want some connection or I just read about this new thing and I’m really excited to show it off this this new technique it gets a little it gets a little muddy sometimes your partner with also be sort of most often feeling guilt or obligation to reciprocate you know did they might offer a friend to shoulder rub but really most of the time professional body workers will say hey maybe you should go be somebody else to get your frozen shoulder fixed because I would really like for this to not feel like work so it’s really important especially for the number of times I have heard a hoax of any gender but particularly women saying things like oh yeah so this guy I was dating he said that this was going to be you know what this healing experience but it really just felt creepy a lot of men do that and I think it’s important for us to shift out of that that’s important gas so that this it’s such a slits someone as one of my friends said sex is the slipperiest of slopes and it certainly is so yeah part I feel I’ve been in it I will consider myself an activist around this issue and so yeah you’re and I appreciate your insights in and being straightforward that’s really the the the the vibration of the energy or the experience that is the absolute polar opposite of the intention of making someone feel safe and supported in and healed and nurtured so I definitely want to Explore More of the what factors could be mitigated around that creepiness vibration and comes up and I guess took to launch that that inquiry I would say I had said I feel like it’s a guess but it’s it it’s maybe it’s an assumption but in my experience it’s it’s been spot-on and I feel like it’s protected me but to have if you were male having a female nurse out-of-sorts if not a nurse practitioner by training a person with experience in a modality where they have the they have an awareness of what’s Happening they know what to expect and how to respond and they’re being a very much especially if you’re a man and you’re doing Hands-On pelvic touch work your focus is in that realm and you’re queuing into that so deeply so you wouldn’t even know what the facial expressions are happening on the person you wouldn’t maybe even here if they’re murmuring things that are reason you no red flags to back off and so to not have somebody there to relay information into be doing the the Care at at the top half of the body either way I see it I think it’s a real other just it to Institute that is as a as a policy or is a best practice seems like it would eliminate a lot of even amongst things lovers in in in addition to practitioners and clients but just that the I’m curious if you have if you have any case studies or anecdotal knowledge about how yeah but the people that I don’t know another reason why the practitioner client relationship is different than the love of relationship because you’re absolutely right in my personal life if I’m having sex with somebody there are times when I’ll be so focused on my experience that I might miss some of that important information but when I’m in practitioner mode tracking what my hands are doing I’m tracking their body the breathing what they’re saying what they’re energetic field is doing and it’s because my erotic energy is not getting in the way the same way that giving somebody a backrub because you’re a trained massage provider you’re paying attention to things in a very different way than giving some of the backrub because you know you’re trying to seduce them so maybe that’s part of the two so when you when you were saying that women have reported to you when lovers or infatuated friends or whatever the dynamic is when they come across as that you know what someone just said this to me recently A friend of mine who is a in the transformational festival movement and consider yourself part of the you no more conscious radical left and green sort of movement where there’s a lot of new age spiritual type people but she basically said you have people these guys are scary some of these spiritual guys are scarier than the the jocks and the bad boys out in the mainstream because at least you know what to expect from those guys but the spiritual guys will come up an inch in her where she said they try to you know get their use their woohoo to get in her womb you know so I think if somebody is is going to try to offer sexual healing for free I’m very skeptical of it I’m skeptical of it because it actually requires a deep level of training and it requires a really solid ethical container and honestly you know if somebody said to me you know oh well you have a you know you have a back injury I’ll spend two hours working on your shoulder and your back for free I would wonder what they were getting out of it and I think when I think there’s a lot of before I know that there’s a lot of men who will say oh you know I just love doing this I don’t need anything from it and I’ve known one or two guys were that’s been true but the majority of the cases that I know of there’s actually an agenda there and and unfortunately that makes it much harder for everybody because now it decreases trust and it means that somebody might be less likely to contact me or one of my colleagues because they’ve had this experience with some random dude at a festival dominates the Integrity of the whole field already of a provider relationship is it fine to keep since cleaner reminds me of one other thing that I think anybody who does this work or if he’s thinking about doing this work should also be familiar with is a how to deal with trauma because so many people are dealing with sexual trauma people of all genders and if you’re not ready to hold space for somebody moving through healing from trauma are not ready to do this one I unfortunately I find it I just assumed that everybody is a trauma Survivor because I’m wrong less often this is getting really deep in in in powerful yeah I am I guess I want to ask you now because these are if I just I just interviewed this woman he’s got a blood clot sluttygirlproblems and I’ve heard about just these cultural cliches pretty girl problems and pornstar girl problems instead of and it’s what we’re talking about is male sexual heater problems to sort of lament a little bit if you will open up a little bit and now there is a flip side to the dynamic that that we were just talking about which is the sort of stereotypical creepy woo Predator you know Festival guy who wants to use healing has a ruse to be a sex junkie you know her and sort of a telling a woman whatever she wants to hear or sort of using this social engineering pick up Artistry that is creepy because it’s manipulative in it’s not truly transparent and there’s a shadow of how many times this week the same lines were used it were used to know you’re the goddess of you know the perversion of of that divinization that Tantra is going for but you know so we have basically we’re pretty well-versed in understanding that you had a higher advanced level of being practitioners or or doing the stuff you know how to say as a way of life and then just even the common way people give young people though if they have any intuition they will sense that and hopefully be repulsed by it and hopefully have good friends around them to protect them especially if they’re on substances at a festival but having sort of covered that I would say now here’s the other flip side of that which is it there if you are a whatever whatever gender but we’ll just say mail for now for the purposes conversation it’s another issue to be outspoken as a Healer with whatever you know professional hat that you’re wearing or whatever boundaries or compensation schemes you might have within having let’s just say women want want to think they are the ones with the agenda there if they come up and say I just want to Healing I don’t want to be your to I don’t want to take you away from your work or put you into a monogamous relationship with guilt in and trap you with emotional manipulation so that I can parade around with you and you be my my man there’s also the shadow of the secrets of healing in an inappropriate manner where it’s it’s a it’s not the guy using the healing to get in the women’s pants it’s the woman using her trauma to get in the men’s in the man’s pants or in the man’s hands or in the man’s life and I’m wondering if that obviously this is could sound very anti-feminist or something but really it’s I want to be safe and protecting and understanding everybody so do you have any thoughts on that variation of that I’ve experienced more is when somebody is wanting wanting that kind of deep healing experience and rather than being willing to approach me as a provider you know they’ll flirt with me or the piano and and gets money that’s not it’s really muddy and I think there’s a lot of reasons for that and I hope that didn’t sound like oh yeah I’m so sexy these women are putting their that’s not what I mean but it’s happened a few times where somebody will try to engage me on a personal level when was there really wanting is my Professional Services and when I noticed that happening I’ve just developed a very easy response which is a hey you know so it sounds like what you’re looking for is search semi-professional offerings on I’d be happy to talk with you about that here’s my business card right because this festival or this party you know maybe one of us is Trunk or not sober in some other way or there’s no confidentiality because there’s people all around why don’t we schedule a Skype call to talk about what’s going on and how I can help because I do think you’re right there’s this new in the way that there are men who will present themselves as offering healing in order to get laid there are some women who will offer some kind of erotic energy in order to get the key you know this this isn’t restricted to that particular gender Dynamic but I see that’s most often in that way right so this is his sister sticky sticky territory so this isn’t until the next the next level of complexity of this conundrum really and I think you’ve already laid out good best practices of boundaries and everything you’re saying is just back to an important distinction and and holding up your your boundaries in in your professional Ethics in all circumstances and that’s commendable so you know I’ve definitely had times when I was not as practiced with it as I am now there’s not a lot of folks who are practitioners who were struggling with this and just know that everybody struggles with this to I mean your wisdom comes from experience and experience comes from messing up yeah and we can stand on the backs of giants who has fallen many times with her stumble but hopefully you’re not falling so so here’s the next level where he did it just gets even more tragically comedic fortunately but I’m sure we’ll find the Glorious way ship to navigate through so it’s a if I if I can piece this together it would be so when you become a highly skilled practitioner or experience than again not to say that in a egotistical way but it’s just a fact you know if you were you know I like to use the martial arts analogies I mean if you were if you were a black belt you should not be street fighting because you could seriously hurt people and they don’t even know what they’re up against they don’t know it’s not an equal match so you have to use your skill two of you don’t you just stop going to the bars so you know you just in the chits it’s so interesting me the curve of the better you are at violence if it’s in a traditional martial arts training contacts the less violence you will encounter in life because you have respect for the human body and mind Spirit soul excetera and there’s an interesting what I’m observing just personally in my own journey and what I’m observing certainly watching other people make these mistakes and just you know wincing sing oh I’m so glad I’m avoiding those those those negative circumstances so what that all that is to say that the level of discipline and sort of self vigilance that you have to have carrying yourself kind of holding onto the sacred you could if you believe it it’s sacred healing Divine energy or if it’s just methodical you know mechanical procedures with the hands and you know that whichever way you look at it the fact is you are a a a powerful healing force to be reckoned with by anybody’s heart anybody’s ego in anybody’s way of getting in you know how to getting into relationships or getting or hooking up for getting it on so being so in this world now the problem is you can’t just date people from this disability and mainstream are pornstars calls mainstream non adult performers civilians because they’re in a sort of separate now you know subculture secret society almost where they’re very open and not super neurotic about you know being naked in a lot of things kind of evaporate that you know change their Dynamic so this not to have it be a dating ever love line dating advice kind of show but I mean what what issues do you encounter and what wisdom and intelligence do you have around okay well how do you adjust date and how do you find two people as civilians I often tell people in the field right that it’s very difficult to date models because you’ve gotten to it a certain point in your own trajectory you is hard to find people who you can meet as equals and its importance to do that for your own safety yeah I’ve seen a lot of folks try to get involved with somebody who is more towards the muzzle end of the spectrum and and it’s difficult to coach your partner I have to admit I find so I often describe myself as a sex geek and the people who I resonate best live in my personal life as if my sexual partners are also sex games they don’t need to be a professional sex Geeks but they need to be sexy when I talk about sex Geeks the best comparison I have is you sex Geeks are to sex what food is our to food like the people who like to eat out of that food and where did this come from in this interesting combination in this new technique I learned I find for myself bed and if somebody isn’t operating at that on that plane out at that level then we we have a nun if relationship having said that at least in the professional sexy geek Circle and I see this also in Tantra circles are you looking specifically at male female dating there are more women looking for men than there are men looking for women so there is a gender imbalance there that can often be I can also be tricky and so you know I’ve known a number of female practitioners who have basically found Partners who had a lot of promise when they met and they had some coaching Dynamic to sort of get the guy fully up to speed and and again I don’t want that to sound arrogant but when you spend you know when you spend a few years thinking and talking about sex all the time you know if it becomes very difficult to then go back to what it was like before right yeah you really have to find people who can play at your level or you have to be willing to train somebody to that point I mean that’s the same if you are a tennis player right you’re going to have more fun playing with someone who’s at your level very similar so now here okay now if it couldn’t that then I appreciate all that good that’s and I under a lot of women who are evolving rapidly discovering their anatomy and having a deep relationship and using the Yoni eggs and the mirrors and doing Yoni steam baths and having Circles of work emitz it’s unbelievable how rapid the the cat is coming out of the bag with female sexual empowerment and how far back in the Dark Ages the masculine Paradigm is so there’s plenty of grow it’s a growth industry for men who are making producing the higher vibrational higher conscious higher-performing more heart and genital connected and mine connected men so that those the growing numbers of the oven light and sexually like women are able to actually solve that problem of finding equals as well so yeah this is a great time to be alive so now he then I guess I would say is if you don’t mind that I’m sort of hijacking this to make it into a coaching session for my own you know I think it’ll benefit everybody thanks yes so I’ve been thinking about me not basically since I’ve been on this path I have been almost completely celibate and there’s been very few times where I have felt safe that the energy that I’ve cultivated will be used wisely and respectfully and understood properly and not hoarded and and I’m sort of I mean it’s sad to say but if you end up becoming a woman’s God a woman’s father and daddy that she never had the first man to ever give her an orgasm or any form of really sustained sexual pleasure and and to Enlighten them to the experience of Eternal multi-orgasmic tantric Bliss the first visual snapshots with third eye of the Divine Realms that’s a big shoe for the next guy you know so it’s understandable and that’s not being egotistical but that is what you’re supposed to be able to bring to the bedroom you know or to the table of sex work session and healing work session so did the trouble the 10th of the male sexual healer problems trouble that I have been avoiding you know for years is just that when I discover that there is is an addictive tendency that is not matured through through lots of work you know you can’t expect that if you done a bunch of discipline work you know that you work hard to achieve and you just want to say cast your pearls among swine that would be you know mixing metaphors that I don’t want to evoke necessarily but there is some truth to that discernment and in a word with so now the way that I’ve had two I guess conceived of not because I do not want to be a celibate monk I mean in so yes I’m doing you know Outreach to people more on my level and if it that can be what’s the word and another one of my bread with no problem for me is it I don’t really like the Marquis De Sade dungeon aesthetic that comes from Nazi Germany and other forms of I mean I don’t want to I don’t want to discredit or put anyone down but it just is not my cup of tea to be in in the in the sort of stereotypical BDSM Kink dungeon environment where it’s probably better that I go there then I go to a singles bar to get connected with people having attracted to it’s probably cuz they will be sex Geeks they would be interested in ecstatic experiences and they’ve probably been pretty I know I’ve been through all this but my the women who come into my life who I am attracted to who feel like they they would have been there like messiah’s of the goddess or there is sort of you know the synchronicity around it is somehow blessed and a higher level than just you know me hitting on them or something you know that gets a friend is recommended there’s a there’s a magical process of of of courtship that you know there’s different degrees of how how house how she for how sloppy meeting the for the first time was vs. if you meet in a really complex constellation of synergy and in synchronicity then there’s more Merit and I kind of have this hierarchy of of women in my life where yeah that was the one that I wasn’t chasing because I was really horny for her that was the one that came in a totally blessed and sacred sort of pathway so I’m just kind of venting a little bit but that but what what all of these all of this Peril has sort of boiled down to is is miss my sense that I feel like and this is where becomes a question for you is it this in it kind of a kind of breaks the pattern of everything we set up to this point and that the agreement that I have with you so it’ll be a gift to to get this feedback so it’s it’s it’s like this because I do not want to take on the karma and baggage of an unhealed non practitioner woman I am going to insist that before we have unbridled wild passionate intercourse that either me or someone else has got to do to take out the trash so to speak from all of her previous relationships all of her daddy issues and if we gets if we get through enough of that perhaps some family curses and past life issues and that’s where it gets more esoteric and more you know what’s the word the clinical Medical Science doesn’t doesn’t drive with all that terminology but that you know where I’m at with this stuff so I feel like what it what do you what would it what comes to your mind on the ethics of a man who says because I know that I don’t want to absorb all of this negative karmic energy that’s embedded in you you know I’m going to insist that the healing the sexual healing work is a prerequisite before we can fuck you know you see what you’re saying is part of what you’re saying is you are not wanting to take on if that’s not wanting to take somebody else’s healing work on it as part of a personal relationship but it doesn’t have to be me who does it just has to it’s just a job that has to be done you know it’s you can’t just jump on my lap and start fucking me because I wouldn’t be fucking you I’d be fucking in 20 I have your last boyfriends and your father I think the way that I would approach that it would be more around asking somebody you know so tell me a little bit about your own Sexual Healing Journey tell me a little bit about you know how you got to where you are what what are some of the things you’ve done to explore this cuz yeah everybody has everybody is baggage it’s really just a question of what is your relationship to it and if it feels to you like somebody is is not ready right if it feels to like it’s new just where where they are in their trajectory isn’t a good match for you you I think a good way to say that would be you know it so it sounds like you and I are in some pretty different places in our life right now and I don’t think we’re a good fit that’s that. The other flavor of that is you know it’s really it’s because of the work that I do you know I’m constantly I’m always doing my own learning my own growth around this and it’s really important for me that anybody in my life or anybody who I’m in a relationship with is also doing the same so if this is going to be more than a casual thing you know it’s important from me or I would feel more comfortable if you were on your own Sexual Healing how far you had a therapist or usual you know we’re doing a meditation practice or whatever it is and you know and the reason for that is that you know I’m a tantra guys right there in my my website right I’d like to go deep and that means that we need a really solid container and sometimes that means having some back up cuz I thought that might be more how I would personally approaching but that’s that’s just my style my communication style beans in that direction in the way I was characterizing my unfiltered sentiment was communicated in the moment so I appreciate you exactly filtering it in and that was those are very good dimensions and what I would have actually been doing as a practice is saying referring women out to female tantricas who if they can afford it or they can even if any of them if they can work out some arrangement of apprenticeship or a paid client practitioner relationship it’s basically in order to enter my body in order to access the offerings of my body Temple you will have to get a stamp of approval from my sort of Council of priestesses who are working to protect me from political disaster I like to operate at a really intent in a really intense way and the best way to do that safely is to have a support structure yeah and like you said because we have to assume her or it will I’m going to I’m going to add that level of urgency to it that yeah we should assume that too if a person hasn’t has not experienced physical sexual violation as a child there’s still Trauma from unsatisfactory sexual experiences that cause contraction in the body usually virginity is not a high sophistical probability of being very well designed as it as a ceremony and just walking out into the world and being assaulted by Billboards were just in a soup of trauma so the the responsibility to when you open someone up with your blasting them with really high quality purified loving energy and you have the sexual stamina to get it where it needs to go all throughout the astral body then you’re going to cause these fractures and those pain parts of the solar going to finally get released and that can really discombobulated somebody so that they can’t go back to the cubicle on Monday morning know so do you want to talk a bit about Aftercare and what to best practices are for people who are getting into this trauma healing territory just making sure that the things feel safe and complete and one of the things that I think is relevant there is that when we have a big expansion of any kind of sexual emotional in a whatever it is sometimes afterwards we have a contraction and it’s it’s no different if it’s no different than a fundamental level between waking up after a really big workout or going for a long hike and feeling a little bit sore but I call it a shame over it’s like a hangover but it can it can but it can really feel like it’s this process and so one of the things that you can do is part about your character is checking to see you is my partner having a shame over or do they need any care is there anything I can do to support them through this because you know if you’re going to do something for somebody has a big expansion and you’re not taking steps to take care of the contraction that might happen after that then you’re not taking care of them and if you’re not taking care of your partner then let’s just admit that you’re not doing it because you are taking care of them but you’re doing it for your own reasons then that’s where we get back to the creepy thing cuz now as you’re saying this time I’m literally visualizing the pattern of these creepy Encounters of a woo woo guys at festivals let’s say where is probably where the where the most it’s like the wild west of sexual energetic boundary violation and transgression that’s actually you know extremely traumatizing and I’m hearing about it more and more and it said and it all goes back to the The Summer of Love then you know things default into debauchery if you have pretty quickly on Haight Street at that time unfortunately because the drugs changed but you know that’s a whole other Vibe with you on about what you just said is it on so the if we have this Aftercare Ark the sexual healing experience Ark that involves after care and it’s not just this Spike of a penetrative intercourse exchange that last 4 minutes or or can last for hours whatever you know it’s it but the thing is if a man is behavior is it’s a very stereotypical sort of cliche thing is like oh he he was sweet-talking me and get filling me with pillow-talk for however long it took to get laid and have sex and then she disappeared and he wouldn’t even look at me or talk to me and that was so hurtful and harmful and that is in violation of the sense of understanding that when you open the door of orgasm and you bring love and you know pleasure and passion there you’re just beginning a journey with their soul really in so if you don’t take responsibility for the Aftercare and in a manner that you’re describing and and having that sense then that’s probably the the thing to watch out for so may I ask the one about the about this the other day and she said I said what what what could make it better at what would how would you improve these guys who are doing the stuff in and she’s like well I would like them to to tell me what their expectations for follow-up are you know what is it going to mean afterwards and how what can I expect from you and if what can I expect from you is nothing right people will say they’ll follow up or they’ll do something and then they won’t do it because they don’t want to be honest about the fact that they’re just in it to get laid and and don’t get me wrong I’ve got no problem with folks having casual sex if that’s what they want to have but at least be honest about what you are looking for you know I end up having said that even with a casual partner you can still send them a text message the next day and say hey how are you doing I had a great time last night still have Aftercare in a in a casual situation I’m a big believer in you know putting your toys away in as good condition as they were when you found them I just think that’s important beautiful yeah but we have covered some some very amazing deep intense territory and I and I just got to thank you so much again for allowing me to both event and also gets some access to some really important wisdom that you cultivate and to be fair with your energy exchange with me and to to be a good Steward of this container I want to say please do whatever you would like to promote your service and get people to your website and let’s get you some some reciprocity for all of this gifting that you’ve been giving so Facebook and Twitter and FetLife and all those other websites it’s traffic like men are all one word and then my my website is make sex easy.com I’m also at Charlie Glickman. she is my coaching page and I do coaching both are you at home in Seattle as well as when I’m on the road but I also do a lot of coaching over Skype so if anybody knew if you’re interested in exploring back further I offer a free 30-minute get-acquainted call to find out what’s going on am I the Right fit and if I’m not the right person for you I’ll do my best to find somebody who would be a better match so get in touch anytime I would love to hear from you awesome thanks so much yes please access to services and also do you want to talk a bit more specifically about the two offerings as a sexuality educator coach and consultant cuz I was howling at that for people who are I in the field who are wanting to develop workshops or curricula I have a lot of experience design and workshops and I can help you I create a more Dynamic experience that will get rate for views from your participant and because sexuality professionals often struggle to find professional support who’s up to their speed it can be hard to find a therapist or a food you understand what it’s like to work in this field I have a sliding scale for sexuality professionals looking for coaching so feel free to get in touch around that too and thank you for the reminder then we I wanted to Tootie’s that out of all things because it was it stood out it’s so outstanding to me and just through the process of kind of Talking Shop we ended up really bringing out and I think you were able to do a live demo tied around some of the stuff so U U of M definitely impressed me to be able to you know advice on some of these extremely complex matters and especially the ones that really break taboos and also push the envelope of our vocabulary around spirituality and sexuality that’s s such an important skill to be able to to be tuned in and to be able to walk between the worlds of the clinical Western Medical Paradigm and the shamanic Sexual Healing spiritual you know. I’m so I think you are absolutely cool what’s the do you have any final words or advice or anything else you want to share with four we call it a day let’s see ya breathe more drink more water and have really really good sex whatever that means for you thank you that I look forward to after the next time we’ll definitely all right so hopefully we’ll have some exciting new adventures to explore and I hope that I can get you some some really qualified leads through promoting this podcast so we’ll be in touch all right take care of Central Park. Calm and cook on the Donate button to help support the show in addition is to see me and improving the podcast for donations will help establish permaculture goddess Temple ever by Kika logical employment for single mothers Please Subscribe and share your favorite episodes if you have questions or comments feel free to leave a voicemail at 8 18275 593 oreimo bad I kontrapunkt. Com Thomas Day